Tuesday, November 07, 2006
my space has been invaded
About a year ago I heard a very famous Christian speaker interviewed. This woman is known for her boldness and her ability to spread the gospel by sharing her past. Her past is ugly to say the least. There is nothing she has to say about her childhood that is pretty. She doesn't have any good memories growing up. Instead her adult life has been focused on the pursuit of total and complete healing from her past. I can relate.

This woman was abused by her father over and over again. It was verbal, physical, emotional and sexual abuse. Her father is now a man that is very close to his dying day. She has spoken with him countless times about what happened to her and he has never taken any responsibility. In fact she shared that it is often very difficult to find healing when the other party is denial or unwilling to own up to what they have done. I am not sure how but she explained that she was finally able to be in the same room with him. It took many years, many years but it happened. During the years of her ministry she has suffered a lot of verbal attacks from her family members. They didn't understand the purpose in her sharing her own personal timeline. They have even said things to her like,"It's not fair for you to share with the world what happened to you. Not everyone needs to know." Some have even questioned her and said that she was lying about her childhood because their memory isn't quite up to par with the TRUTH. Regardless, she has written books, spoken to millions of people and her story has been told. All of the pain and torture she went through was meant for evil but God has allowed her timeline to bring people to Jesus and it has given a hurting world so much hope because she decided to share the ugly part of her life. She has ministered to me, she has given me hope and I pray that she continues to share her story, her pain, with the rest of us. We need to hear it! Her pain became her greatest treasure in life.

George W. Bush is my president and I support him 100%. I pray for him, I honor him. Since 911, he has come under massive attacks from the media to the White House and even the Dixie Chicks. I am not saying that every single decision he has made is right. I am not saying that I agree with everything he says but I respect him, I voted for him and I am thankful that he is in office. One thing about him that makes me very sad is what will be said about him in the future. Every thing he has done will either be praised or shunned. I hope it's the first but I know we live in a very unforgiving world and I am afraid he will be slaughtered. I know what is said about George Washington, I have read it in the History books. I know what is said about Abraham Lincoln and so does my three year old. Just ask him about the honest president, he will tell you all about Honest Abe! I also know what will be said about Bill Clinton, I lived through his presidency! Every choice, every decision, every move our president makes will eventually be written about. Every man leaves a legacy and though not all men are written about in books for our children to read about later, every man leaves a legacy, an impression and it's not always good. Parents know this first hand. We all know that every single decision or choice we make will affect our children. It may not show up right away but eventually our good choices or bad choices will make a mark on their lives. Will my children say, "My Mom was a praying woman. She was such a godly woman." Or will they say, "My Mom had a lot of anger. I saw her slam doors a lot. I heard her yell at my Dad." What will they say? I can choose NOW to leave a good legacy or a bad one. Whatever I leave, it will be talked about, it will affect others. So I choose now to work hard on becoming the most healthy and stable adult I can be. My children will have a story to tell about the woman I am today and the woman I will be and that's enough to inspire me to live a life worth following.

My blog has been discovered by a family member that does not agree with my method of healing. My space has been invaded to say the least. Blogs are constantly criticized for people being too honest or revealing too much. I can say this and mean it with every single fiber of my being. I DO NOT CARE. I am not slandering, I am not bashing, I am not lying or even stretching the truth (which means the same thing). Instead I embrace my timeline. I embrace the pain that I endured as a child. If I ever write a book, if I ever stand before women someday as a minister, I plan on being boldly honest about my past. An impression has been made, a legacy has been left and through it all, I have been deeply wounded. In order for me to find healing from my past, I have to share. The truth is, somedays I wake up and I don't feel so good about myself. I feel insecure, ugly, messed up and so much more. The only way I can deal with it is by being honest with myself and honest with the world around me. Obviously if things were great in my family, if things were healed, if things have truly changed, I would not be writing about it. One thing that has changed through all of this is ME. I am proud of who I am becoming, I am proud to be someone that has gone through the pain I have. I have said it before, I will say it again. THIS IS WHO I AM and I will embrace it. I am not going to wait for someone to die and be off of this earth before I feel safe in writing or telling my story. Family members have told me recently that I need to "get over it" and move on. Those of you that know me, know that I am not walking around on the verge of slitting my wrists. I am not depressed and I am not being ruled by my past. Instead, I am living a wonderful, God filled, spirit filled, joy filled, fearless life. I am a good wife, a good mom and a good friend. Daily I am experiencing healing from my past so I will continue to share my timeline. It may be hard for some to handle but they don't have to read it. Anyone's reaction to this blog isn't my problem so I won't carry that burden.

My childhood is my testimony. My childhood is a huge part of who I am today and huge part of who I am trying to change. My childhood was painful, horrible and even gruesome at times. The Lord has placed a calling on my life to help others find freedom in Christ. We live in a world where we are all taught to put a smile on, sweep things under the rug and talk about the weather. Well, I am going against the grain because God has called me to be ME and ME has been called to be bold, honest and self aware. I have lots of crap I have to work on, lots of stuff I need to get over, that's exactly what I am doing. Daily I am trying to figure out how to honor those in my life that have hurt me so badly while sharing my story at the same time. I don't know if it's possible. I won't apologize for the things I have written about my childhood because it is TRUTH. It may not be someone else's truth or someone else's story but it's mine and I am going to share it! I will not be a woman that does nothing but try to paint a pretty little picture of her life. I will not be fake, I will not pretend. While I wrote a wonderful little post yesterday about my husband, I can tell you that our relationship needs work constantly. I don't spend time with people pretending, I spend time with people that are real so that's who I am choosing to be too. I have shared my guts on this blog, I will continue.

Today I have learned that God has set me apart in many ways. Being set apart is not always easy and it will often make others very uncomfortable. This also shows me how much I need covering from Him and how badly I need to run to Him to find shelter. What God meant for good, the enemy has tried to destroy. This is my blog and I won't let that happen.

Genesis 50:20 You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.

  posted at 2:11 PM
  13 comments



13 Comments:
At 1:49 PM, Blogger Shelley said...

Amen.

 
At 2:14 PM, Blogger Stacey said...

Ummm, can I just give you a HUGE {{{HUG}}}} right here??!!!!???!?!?!?!?!

You ROCK MY WORLD with your vulnerability and your honesty. You are so courageous and I LOVE THAT ABOUT YOU!!!

You are being true to what God has called you to do - and just because we aren't in a hotel ballroom listening to you while we eat overbaked chicken, doesn't mean you are not ministering to BUNCHES of us!!!!

I didn't have a horrible childhood but I completely agree that our timelines should be embraced. I have never gotten the impression from you that you are wallowing in self-pity or "not over it" - you seem well along the path of healing and extremely stable.

If this weren't a family-friendly blogging arena I would say "&%$# them!!!!" - and, sorry, although not very graceful, that is my "protective" nature coming out. You are too sweet to be attacked in this way. And it breaks my heart for you that you suffered such a terrible ordeal as a child to begin with. You are in my prayers.

Okay, also, I agree with you about Bush - I love the man!

And, very interesting point about our own legacy. I will be taking that to prayer.

Finally, how is the Sugar & Spice coming? How do you feel? I am keeping that intention in prayer for you!!

 
At 2:22 PM, Blogger Munchkin Land said...

I am so sorry that your home and privacy has been invaded in that way. I understand completely where you're coming from and I think you have EVERY right to lay claim to your story, your timeline.

I so desperately want to share my family's story, it is not pretty, with ugly moments, but God is victorious in the end. However, my mom and some sisters are very hesitant to share it with the world. Instead of viewing it as a victorious story, they are too worried about what others will think. Someday, I hope someday.

Hang in there! This is about YOU, your lessons in life, and not about THEM.

 
At 3:18 PM, Blogger Amanda said...

Okay Stacey, if I am ever blessed enough to get to "SPEAK" to women in person, I will make SURE you are in the audience on the very front row. Thank you for your energy. You rock my world! I love you girlfriend!

 
At 4:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good for you! It is your testimony and yours to share as God lays it upon your heart! I'm glad they haven't shut you down!

 
At 5:11 PM, Blogger Dee said...

AMEN!! AMEN!! AMEN!!!

Girl - Stacey said it all when she said, "Just because we aren't in a hotel ballroom listening to you while we eat overbaked chicken, doesn't mean you aren't ministering to BUNCHES of us!!!" I am one of those - I admire your faith, your boldness, and your ability to overcome.

I have always appreciated your honesty and in each phone conversation with you - I have come away with a new outlook on things. You give everything a fresh perspective - maybe not always the one I want - but nonetheless - you toss a new spin on it and make me think.


You are an annointed lady - that is annointed by God. It shows from deep within your spirit - there is nothing fake about you. Bragging about your husband, sweet as it was, in no way painted a picture of perfection for me, just one of love. You are Amanda - a born again Child of God - not perfect, but forgiven and that is ALL you have ever claimed to be.

I am thrilled to know that you are going to continue your ministry and not back down just because you might offend those who unfairly have invaded and attacked you. This is YOUR space - YOURS to do with as you please; however you are giving it over to God and allowing Him to have His way - so you are covered in LOVE!

I am sure I speak for all those who love and care for you when I say continue to share AND embrace your timeline - it has molded you into the wonderful woman you are.

I love you!!

 
At 5:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I apprieciate and admire your honesty. I read your blog every day and I really do appriciate you being real.

It takes guts to do what you do!

Nancy

 
At 6:15 PM, Blogger Christina said...

I don't know you personally, I have just recently come across your blog and I hope you don't mind me always commenting but I have to say YOU GO GIRL!

This is your safe place, don't let anyone take it away from you. You ARE ministering to US right here, right now.

I love how open and real you are. Never change, never stop.

 
At 7:51 PM, Blogger Christy said...

Something Beautiful was created for a purpose, a God called purpose. Any time you try and do what God has asked you to the enemy will try to kill and destroy. Be strong and he will give you strength! I love you and I am praying for you! You have a story to tell, a song in your heart that only YOU can sing --- don't let the enemy create a hush!

 
At 6:04 AM, Blogger V. said...

I can say that through all your stories, it is evidently clear that you LOVE and CHERISH your family members because you know that is what you are called to do.

I don't think you have dishonored them by telling your stories, I think you have SHOWN honor by sharing your struggles.

Keep on Amanda - God loves you!

V.

 
At 6:05 AM, Blogger Jeff Dowdle said...

Good for you...

 
At 10:38 AM, Blogger Paula said...

Amanda, I am so glad you have continued to blog and share your timeline. I prayed for you last night. I prayed you would not let the enemy destroy what was made for good. You are ministering every time you post. Lives are being changed and affected. You are not the only woman out there wit ha horrible past and women need to hear that. They need the comfort of "Hey, I am not alone."
Amanda, God is the TRUE
FATHER-Isa 9:6; Matt5:16
a shelter from the storm-Isa 28:6
God of peace-1 Thess5:23
my Comforter in sorrow-Jer8:18
my hope-Ps25:5
Lord who heals you-Ex 15:26
The strength of my heart-Ps73:26
the God who sees me-Gen 16:13
the God who saves me-Ps88:1

All of these and so much more. You are loved by the most High. He is here and now!! Embrace that. Hang on to that. Know that. When satan tries to creep back into your thoughts...in Jesus' name kick him out.

Love you and our God ordained friendship. Someday I will be there with you on stage! Or maybe the front row!:)))

 
At 7:43 PM, Blogger Kili @ Live Each Moment said...

I figure each person's blog is there own personal journal that they have the right to write whatever they want. So...write what you want....

...those of us who decide to read it don't really have any say on how you choose to blog...

 

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