Thursday, October 26, 2006
Back in the saddle again!
One of my all time favorite chick flix has to be Sleepless in Seattle. The biggest reason has to be the music. I love music, I am obsessed with music. My husband is astounded by my ability to remember movies because of particular songs. Well that's why I remember Sleepless in Seattle, the music! While Tom Hanks is preparing to begin his dating journey for the first time after loosing his wife, a classic Gene Autry song accompanies the scene.

I'm back in the saddle again
Out where a friend is a friend
Where the longhorn cattle feed
On the lowly gypsum weed
Back in the saddle again.

Ridin' the range once more
Totin' my old .44
Where you sleep out every night
And the only law is right
Back in the saddle again.

Rockin` to and fro
Back in the saddle again
I go my way
Back in the saddle again.

Well folks, it's been a few weeks of not feeling like myself. I've been trudging for days, trying to figure out what the heck is wrong with me. Sometimes I thought it was pregnancy and the gorgeous hormones that tag along with it. Then I thought maybe there was something I needed to make right in my spiritual walk or something in one of my relationships. I prayed, I cried, I felt lonely, I felt fearful. Actually, I felt a whole lot a junk during this funk. But sometime yesterday,the cloud began to lift, the sun began to come out so I called out for my horse and got back on! And now I sigh a big, huge sigh of relief. Whoopi-ty-aye-oh!!!

A little over a year ago I had an experience with God that was defining. If I was handed a piece of paper with my timeline charted out, I would know that last September really was a defining moment in my life. My faith began to change, my character began to change, everything about me began to change. It's kind of strange to think about because I know that I am so different now than I used to be. I find myself considering things I would never have considered before. I find that I am feeling a little more settled and content, not always trying to look ahead for the events in life. Usually I have extreme highs and lows but not so much anymore. Honestly, I'm proud at who I am becoming. It seems I am settling in this skin God gave me but it took me realizing how much Christ loves me FIRST. Since I was saved at five years old, I have never questioned God. I really haven't doubted Him or even allowed myself to. My family, friends and Pastors know that I have always remained on the road, never left, just kept going. But there was so much I wasn't tapping into. I could not get a grasp of my purpose. I needed to question. I needed to even doubt a little but I was afraid to. Until, one night last September in 2005, I began to "get" it. I began to ask questions and I began to understand so much about my past and who I was becoming.

I was sitting in my home with a group of people. We had been visiting a very large church in a city neighboring ours and attended Sunday School. The Sunday School department began a new program, something we were familiar with, home groups. Since our Sunday School Class was large, the Director decided to hand pick each group. Once the groups were chosen, we were asked to sign up to be a host home so we did. The very first meeting was at our house. I cleaned, made snacks, coffee and tea and waited for everyone to arrive. I had no idea what to expect. We had purposely put ourselves in a Sunday School Class with people much older than us, some old enough to be our parents. It's what we needed at that time but I felt a little intimidated so I remained quite during the study. I had no idea what was on the agenda, I just figured some sort of bible study. The leader handed me a DVD and asked if I would put it in. He said that the DVD we were about to watch was our lesson and after watching, we would discuss. This video, this eleven minute film changed my life. I have posted it before on my blog. Some of you may have watched it, but it wouldn't hurt to watch again.

Before you finish reading my post, watch this. It's a short, 11 minute film entitled RAIN. Don't watch the clip, watch the film.

When the video ended, people began to share. I knew some of the stories already in the room but I did not know the actual pain. In the room at my house was a woman who had just found out her husband was cheating on her. He had an affair, sexual, everything. Then there was another woman that carried a lot of pain from her Dad who had abused her. There was a Man that had just graduated from Seminary but unable to find a job because he had been divorced many years ago after his wife cheated on him. Churches did not want to hire him because of his past divorce. Another man was a Father of an adult that was not willing to accept Christ and the same man had a wife that was grieving daily over her dad that just died. Then there was me. I was in the midst of so much. We had just moved, just left a church we adored and the leaving was not a happy one. I felt unliked, unloved, hated, and so much more. I did not realize my pain was so deep until that pain caused so many unresolved things in my life to resurface from my past. That evening my living room truly was Holy Ground in so many ways. Men felt comfortable sharing in front of women, some even showing tears and women felt safe in just all out crying. This was a group of conservative Southern Baptists, these people usually hold it together! But the emotion, the pain, it ran deep that night so we decided to go with the flow and allow the Holy Spirit to work.

The Rob Bell DVD was truly a life changing event for me. For the first time in my life I was able to THANK God for the storm. I was grateful for it. I was so excited to know that I have been carried by Him so many times and our walks in the storm have been amazing. The times when I am drenched, soaking wet and unsure of so many things, He's carrying me. Wow.

Last night I decided to watch that DVD again. Instantly I was reminded of how God is working in my life and how much He loves me. Walking through the rain is not always fun, but it is so beneficial. The sun does come up, and the memory of the walk in the storm will changes you forever. It has me.

It's nice to be singing today!

Rockin` to and fro
Back in the saddle again
I go my way
Back in the saddle again.

Father, thank you. Thank you for wrapping me up in your arms and helping me find my way out. I am learning that it's not so bad to be wandering for a while. It's in those moments that I feel your hand the most. Thank you for your son Jesus. Thank you for changing my life and making me a strong, courageous woman. I love you. I really love you. That WALK, I wouldn't trade it for anything. My pain, the years of taking care of an alcoholic father, the years of never feeling loved, I would not trade it for anything. Thank you Lord, thank you for that WALK. Wow. Thank you Lord.

  posted at 9:36 AM

At 11:17 AM, Blogger Dee said...

Amanda -

I am so glad to hear you are coming out of your FUNK! :) It IS ok to be wandering and I am still learning that. I am often reminded of the Israelites when I think of my own journey... how much they grew and learned in those 40 years of wandering. Now - there were some DUMB things they chose to do - but looking back, me too! It's a matter of staying on the road (or even for some, straying and coming back) and following Him. He gives us choices, some of our choices cause us heartache, but He is always there with open arms.

You have shared this movie (or site) before, as I started to watch, I remembered it. AWESOME!

Thanks for sharing how experiences make us stronger and how one can grow closer to Him through darkened times! :)

Oh Amanda, how I love you!

At 12:13 PM, Blogger Christina said...

Thank you for sharing. I really enjoyed the video. God is so good!

At 12:16 PM, Blogger Munchkin Land said...

I am SO glad that you seem to be coming out of your funk. I know that I find myself going through them too. (I do, however, blame mine on hormones!) =) That was a beautiful, moving story and I thank you for sharing... A great reminder that we all must weather storms because its according to His great plan.

At 12:39 PM, Blogger Kili @ Live Each Moment said...

I did not watch it last time you posted it, but I did today (part of it) and realized they showed it in our old Sunday School class. What a wonderful reminder of the storms we go through. When he was talking about how there are many storms in the Bible, it made me think of the disciples on the boat, while Jesus was asleep they were afraid of the storm in their midst. Yet Jesus calmed that storm. It made me think about the times taht we are right there, in the middle of the storm, some horrifying trial in our life, and we know God is there but forget to trust in Him. He has the power to calm our storms!

Thank you Lord for our storms when we have them!

At 3:51 PM, Blogger Paula said...

I am so glad to call you my friend. It doesn't matter that we haven't actually met. We have something better than that. A spiritual friendship created by God.
I love to read your blogs and see how god is growing as a mother, wife and woman. Thank you for sharing. It helps and encourages so many of us.

At 3:55 PM, Blogger V. said...

I loved that video too.

I think it was the best of the whole series. There was just something so pinpointed about God's love for us.

hearing this father say "I got you buddy" was a God-Moment. Who wouldn't love that feeling of absolute care and concern and love, and to be completely worry free because "Daddy has you"

thanks for sharing - I finally got an update posted, and plan to be a better blogger soon!


At 10:39 PM, Blogger Kool River said...

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head...since everybody said nice things about're such a spaz!
What's up with the yippe-ti-oh -yee-haw! If the hormones are going to kick in why did it have ot be Cowboy "b" movie hormones? Poor Jeremy (lol) Why couldn't it be Kenny G or something? Seriously, thanks for the heart and message. Sometimes God calms the storm adn then sometimes he calms the spirit of the one in the blessed kiddo! Oh yeah, David Trostle called me today...he said "Hi"

At 8:50 AM, Blogger Kate said...

What a beautiful post. Just like you. I am so glad we spoke (even if it was for a few min.). SO much more to say so I will just try to call you this weekend since I really want to chat more. My kids are all screaming right now - chaos broke out - so I'll have to write my comment later!

At 3:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a great reminder to be thankful even in the storms of life. I know those are the times I grow the most.

At 3:01 PM, Anonymous Wendy said...

What a great reminder to be thankful even in the storms of life. Those are the times I have grown the most.


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Mommy, Mama, Mandi, Amanda, Babe and whatever else you want to call me! How do I have time to blog with three kids under the age of four? I'm up until midnight and usually later!

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