Monday, June 04, 2007
Don't worry, the sun is coming out!
Over the past couple of weeks there have been some questions raised about my blog. Nothing bad, just questions asked. Who am I trying to reach? Am I only writing to minister to "Seasoned Christians"? Should I change what I write so it would be more appealing to non-believers? It's something I have thought long and hard about. I've been having conversations with God about this a lot. The more I pray to find out the purpose of this blog, the more I feel like the Lord is showing me that my purpose is the same. When I started this blog almost two years ago it was to share the things God is showing me in my own life. By doing that, I knew that the Lord would use it to speak to other women like myself. Before I knew what a blog was, I wrote devotions. It all started one day when I was writing them on email and sending them out to every single person I knew. I was twenty years old and attended a gigantic church in the Dallas area. One of my friends was the sports pastor at the church and had been reading my devotion emails. He asked me if I would be able to write sports oriented devotions for all of the basketball games and flag football games. Of course I agreed and began writing a new devotion every single week. The devotions became a hit and it was then I realized that God spoke to me in an incredible way where others could relate.
A friend of mine has a cake/cookie business and one day she told me that I should write my devotions on a blog. I did not know what a blog was but she showed me her blog and I decided I would try it. And that's how my blogging story goes! I may not always write in a devotion format but I know I am serving my purpose by sharing the things I do. Sometimes it's big. Sometimes it's my guts. Sometimes it's just random crap! But whatever it is I am sharing, it's the real me and for some reason this is the ONE place I don't feel bad or disgusted with who the real me is. Blogging has been a powerful tool in my life, a healing balm. Some have said I share too much. Some have said that I should filter more or be more careful how I package things. I tend to disagree with that because I am being ME on this blog with a clean heart.
One of my biggest struggles in life is trying to change who I am. In the Dr.Phil world that we live in, some might think changing yourself is a good thing. Bad habits, yes. Destructive behavior, yes. But, that's not my issue. My issue is me wishing I was more quiet. Me wishing I was less emotional. Me wishing I wasn't so much a talker. Me wishing I was more quiet. Yes, I know I wrote that twice. There is a reason for that. My insecurities are real and I know there is no way on earth I am the only woman in this world that has them so, why not share them?!
Who am I trying to reach through this blog? It's funny because I never really thought about it. I just always felt like God was leading me to share. I never really put anyone in a category or tried to figure out WHO or WHAT kind of person. I use a lot of scripture and talk about Christian living a lot so my blog probably would be for a Christian woman. Again, I never really thought of it that way but I guess it makes sense. Would non-believers or seekers be totally freaked out by my writing? I know what I think but I am sure there are many ways to look at that.
Last week I seriously considered changing my blog. I asked God to show me what I needed to do. For several days I sat on it, thought about it constantly and asked Him to show me anything I might be missing. I know, I know, it's just a blog! Who cares! Right? Finally after about four days, I knew what God wanted me to do. Leave it! The title may change or the appearance may change, but the content, the tone, those two will remain. Do you know how great it would be if I could just get on here and write out recipes or tell you stories about my kids? Or I know I can be funny so I why not get on here to make people laugh? That would be much more enjoyable in my opinion and those kinds of bloggers get "Blogging Awards". Who wants to read about a horrible childhood and struggles with marriage and difficulty in loving yourself?! Many times I have sat down at my computer to begin typing something, only to delete because the Holy Spirit is leading me to write something else.
A couple of weeks ago I was on the phone with my friend Janna. She said something to me that keeps coming back to me. Usually I don't process things for that long but her comment has been something I can't quit thinking about. I am paraphrasing but I will try to type what she said. "I've known you for a long time and you haven't changed. The stuff you talk about now, you were talking about then. I always knew I could come to you for the real life stuff. Despite all of your family issues, you remained steady. You didn't change." Tonight I have decided that what she said is probably the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. I spend so much time in self condemnation and struggling with who I am that I forget how far I have come. I forget the odds I have beaten and the past that I have found victory over. My best friend, Rebecca, tells me all the time "You don't give yourself any credit. You never have." She is right. I don't. But, I am realizing how much I need to. Somewhere in my life, someone taught me that I wasn't good enough. I was too loud, talked too much, asked too many questions and pissed too many people off, that I am shocked when someone thinks I am awesome. I really want to believe in myself but I am not sure how.
Yep. This is a pretty revealing blog and it's the kind I will wake up to in the morning and want to delete! My motivation is not for your praise and it's not for your comments. This was totally for me. And maybe, just maybe, someone will understand because they can relate to those guts of mine! That's what it's all about. That's why I blog!
A friend of mine has a cake/cookie business and one day she told me that I should write my devotions on a blog. I did not know what a blog was but she showed me her blog and I decided I would try it. And that's how my blogging story goes! I may not always write in a devotion format but I know I am serving my purpose by sharing the things I do. Sometimes it's big. Sometimes it's my guts. Sometimes it's just random crap! But whatever it is I am sharing, it's the real me and for some reason this is the ONE place I don't feel bad or disgusted with who the real me is. Blogging has been a powerful tool in my life, a healing balm. Some have said I share too much. Some have said that I should filter more or be more careful how I package things. I tend to disagree with that because I am being ME on this blog with a clean heart.
One of my biggest struggles in life is trying to change who I am. In the Dr.Phil world that we live in, some might think changing yourself is a good thing. Bad habits, yes. Destructive behavior, yes. But, that's not my issue. My issue is me wishing I was more quiet. Me wishing I was less emotional. Me wishing I wasn't so much a talker. Me wishing I was more quiet. Yes, I know I wrote that twice. There is a reason for that. My insecurities are real and I know there is no way on earth I am the only woman in this world that has them so, why not share them?!
Who am I trying to reach through this blog? It's funny because I never really thought about it. I just always felt like God was leading me to share. I never really put anyone in a category or tried to figure out WHO or WHAT kind of person. I use a lot of scripture and talk about Christian living a lot so my blog probably would be for a Christian woman. Again, I never really thought of it that way but I guess it makes sense. Would non-believers or seekers be totally freaked out by my writing? I know what I think but I am sure there are many ways to look at that.
Last week I seriously considered changing my blog. I asked God to show me what I needed to do. For several days I sat on it, thought about it constantly and asked Him to show me anything I might be missing. I know, I know, it's just a blog! Who cares! Right? Finally after about four days, I knew what God wanted me to do. Leave it! The title may change or the appearance may change, but the content, the tone, those two will remain. Do you know how great it would be if I could just get on here and write out recipes or tell you stories about my kids? Or I know I can be funny so I why not get on here to make people laugh? That would be much more enjoyable in my opinion and those kinds of bloggers get "Blogging Awards". Who wants to read about a horrible childhood and struggles with marriage and difficulty in loving yourself?! Many times I have sat down at my computer to begin typing something, only to delete because the Holy Spirit is leading me to write something else.
A couple of weeks ago I was on the phone with my friend Janna. She said something to me that keeps coming back to me. Usually I don't process things for that long but her comment has been something I can't quit thinking about. I am paraphrasing but I will try to type what she said. "I've known you for a long time and you haven't changed. The stuff you talk about now, you were talking about then. I always knew I could come to you for the real life stuff. Despite all of your family issues, you remained steady. You didn't change." Tonight I have decided that what she said is probably the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. I spend so much time in self condemnation and struggling with who I am that I forget how far I have come. I forget the odds I have beaten and the past that I have found victory over. My best friend, Rebecca, tells me all the time "You don't give yourself any credit. You never have." She is right. I don't. But, I am realizing how much I need to. Somewhere in my life, someone taught me that I wasn't good enough. I was too loud, talked too much, asked too many questions and pissed too many people off, that I am shocked when someone thinks I am awesome. I really want to believe in myself but I am not sure how.
Yep. This is a pretty revealing blog and it's the kind I will wake up to in the morning and want to delete! My motivation is not for your praise and it's not for your comments. This was totally for me. And maybe, just maybe, someone will understand because they can relate to those guts of mine! That's what it's all about. That's why I blog!
It's raining today. Again.
It's finally caught up with me. I've been doing everything possible to avoid it and everything possible to keep myself from admitting it. For the first time during my life as a blogger, I am scared to type what I am about to type. Fear runs through my veins because I know somewhere out there, someone is waiting to judge me, correct me or fill my inbox or comment box with unwanted advice. But, if I don't confess, if I don't come clean and admit what I am dealing with, I am afraid I will only get worse.
I am depressed.
As I type this post, I hear loud rolls of thunder outside the windows. For some reason I usually find comfort in the storm. It makes me feel cozy and warm. Something about seeing the dark, cloudy sky reminds me that this is the time to stay inside all nestled up. The storms always make me want to curl up on the couch and sleep or shut all of the blinds and watch a movie in the dark. Lately I have heard a lot of people say how much they enjoy the Summer. But for me, I enjoy the cold winter. The winter just makes me feel safer for some reason.
Before moving two months ago, my husband left at 7:15am in the morning and arrived home at anytime between 5:30pm and 7pm. Most days it was around 6pm. He had just gotten to a place in his job where his schedule was predictable and with three kids, it was nice knowing when Daddy would be home. Every Friday night or every other Friday night, we had a date. It was a given! Friday nights were ours and other nights too, if we wanted. Grandparents were within a few miles and rarely did they say no if they were needed. Now, he leaves at 5:30am and doesn't get home until 7pm or 8pm or 9pm or 9:30pm. And the Grandparents? Well, they are all pretty busy. A few of them don't even have time to come visit and the ones that do have to hurry back. It's not their fault, they are just busy and we live three hours away. Some family, since we have moved, don't even call. And as time goes by, our kids forget about who we left behind and I am beginning to understand why.
Friends were something I had too. I did not have a lot but I had a few that were constant sources in my life. If I wanted to spend time with them, if I needed them, they were there. We knew each other so well that there was no time I had to spend getting to know them. There weren't any questions in my mind as to whether or not they truly loved me. It was a given. We had something granted to us that was a wonderful gift, time. Time had made our friendship strong, time had showed us that no matter what, our friendship would remain. And I find that to be a very comforting and wonderful thing.
Today, I am depressed. Maybe it's the rain, maybe it's the fact that I have had sick kids for a solid week or maybe it's the fact that my old friends are busy with life three hours away that we don't talk as much. Maybe it's the fact that my new friends are still learning me and I am still learning them and we don't talk on the phone or see each other as much as old friends. I'm lonely, I am sad and my parenting is at an all time LOW. I've yelled, I've spanked, I've cried. And in six years of marriage, I have never felt so disconnected from my husband as I do now.
I'm not sure what I need to do. Maybe I need medicine. I've been on it before for anxiety and I think it worked. But, our insurance does not kick in for two more months at the new job. Maybe I need a date night with my husband. But that is probably not going to happen for a few more weeks and my pride doesn't want one because that means I will have to plan it. He doesn't plan dates. Right now, I am feeling selfish. I want it to be about me. I want to hear what an incredible amazing woman I am or mom I am or wife I am. But, I am going to have to rely on the Lord to fill me up because no one else is.
When I was single, I remember being very lonely. When I got married, that was resolved instantly. But today, that same haunting feeling has returned and I am a little confused about everything right now.
Thankfully, I know where to go. I know who to turn to. So I am asking Jesus to help me today. I sure need it! I'm in the midst of a storm and usually I find comfort in staying in and drawing close to the Lord. But today, the storm is a little scary. I need some sunshine.
A friend of mine told me before we moved that we were leaving our Egypt. Well, I am afraid I know why those Israelites took so long to get to their destination because right now Egypt sounds pretty damn good.
I am depressed.
As I type this post, I hear loud rolls of thunder outside the windows. For some reason I usually find comfort in the storm. It makes me feel cozy and warm. Something about seeing the dark, cloudy sky reminds me that this is the time to stay inside all nestled up. The storms always make me want to curl up on the couch and sleep or shut all of the blinds and watch a movie in the dark. Lately I have heard a lot of people say how much they enjoy the Summer. But for me, I enjoy the cold winter. The winter just makes me feel safer for some reason.
Before moving two months ago, my husband left at 7:15am in the morning and arrived home at anytime between 5:30pm and 7pm. Most days it was around 6pm. He had just gotten to a place in his job where his schedule was predictable and with three kids, it was nice knowing when Daddy would be home. Every Friday night or every other Friday night, we had a date. It was a given! Friday nights were ours and other nights too, if we wanted. Grandparents were within a few miles and rarely did they say no if they were needed. Now, he leaves at 5:30am and doesn't get home until 7pm or 8pm or 9pm or 9:30pm. And the Grandparents? Well, they are all pretty busy. A few of them don't even have time to come visit and the ones that do have to hurry back. It's not their fault, they are just busy and we live three hours away. Some family, since we have moved, don't even call. And as time goes by, our kids forget about who we left behind and I am beginning to understand why.
Friends were something I had too. I did not have a lot but I had a few that were constant sources in my life. If I wanted to spend time with them, if I needed them, they were there. We knew each other so well that there was no time I had to spend getting to know them. There weren't any questions in my mind as to whether or not they truly loved me. It was a given. We had something granted to us that was a wonderful gift, time. Time had made our friendship strong, time had showed us that no matter what, our friendship would remain. And I find that to be a very comforting and wonderful thing.
Today, I am depressed. Maybe it's the rain, maybe it's the fact that I have had sick kids for a solid week or maybe it's the fact that my old friends are busy with life three hours away that we don't talk as much. Maybe it's the fact that my new friends are still learning me and I am still learning them and we don't talk on the phone or see each other as much as old friends. I'm lonely, I am sad and my parenting is at an all time LOW. I've yelled, I've spanked, I've cried. And in six years of marriage, I have never felt so disconnected from my husband as I do now.
I'm not sure what I need to do. Maybe I need medicine. I've been on it before for anxiety and I think it worked. But, our insurance does not kick in for two more months at the new job. Maybe I need a date night with my husband. But that is probably not going to happen for a few more weeks and my pride doesn't want one because that means I will have to plan it. He doesn't plan dates. Right now, I am feeling selfish. I want it to be about me. I want to hear what an incredible amazing woman I am or mom I am or wife I am. But, I am going to have to rely on the Lord to fill me up because no one else is.
When I was single, I remember being very lonely. When I got married, that was resolved instantly. But today, that same haunting feeling has returned and I am a little confused about everything right now.
Thankfully, I know where to go. I know who to turn to. So I am asking Jesus to help me today. I sure need it! I'm in the midst of a storm and usually I find comfort in staying in and drawing close to the Lord. But today, the storm is a little scary. I need some sunshine.
A friend of mine told me before we moved that we were leaving our Egypt. Well, I am afraid I know why those Israelites took so long to get to their destination because right now Egypt sounds pretty damn good.
