Monday, June 04, 2007
Don't worry, the sun is coming out!
Over the past couple of weeks there have been some questions raised about my blog. Nothing bad, just questions asked. Who am I trying to reach? Am I only writing to minister to "Seasoned Christians"? Should I change what I write so it would be more appealing to non-believers? It's something I have thought long and hard about. I've been having conversations with God about this a lot. The more I pray to find out the purpose of this blog, the more I feel like the Lord is showing me that my purpose is the same. When I started this blog almost two years ago it was to share the things God is showing me in my own life. By doing that, I knew that the Lord would use it to speak to other women like myself. Before I knew what a blog was, I wrote devotions. It all started one day when I was writing them on email and sending them out to every single person I knew. I was twenty years old and attended a gigantic church in the Dallas area. One of my friends was the sports pastor at the church and had been reading my devotion emails. He asked me if I would be able to write sports oriented devotions for all of the basketball games and flag football games. Of course I agreed and began writing a new devotion every single week. The devotions became a hit and it was then I realized that God spoke to me in an incredible way where others could relate.
A friend of mine has a cake/cookie business and one day she told me that I should write my devotions on a blog. I did not know what a blog was but she showed me her blog and I decided I would try it. And that's how my blogging story goes! I may not always write in a devotion format but I know I am serving my purpose by sharing the things I do. Sometimes it's big. Sometimes it's my guts. Sometimes it's just random crap! But whatever it is I am sharing, it's the real me and for some reason this is the ONE place I don't feel bad or disgusted with who the real me is. Blogging has been a powerful tool in my life, a healing balm. Some have said I share too much. Some have said that I should filter more or be more careful how I package things. I tend to disagree with that because I am being ME on this blog with a clean heart.
One of my biggest struggles in life is trying to change who I am. In the Dr.Phil world that we live in, some might think changing yourself is a good thing. Bad habits, yes. Destructive behavior, yes. But, that's not my issue. My issue is me wishing I was more quiet. Me wishing I was less emotional. Me wishing I wasn't so much a talker. Me wishing I was more quiet. Yes, I know I wrote that twice. There is a reason for that. My insecurities are real and I know there is no way on earth I am the only woman in this world that has them so, why not share them?!
Who am I trying to reach through this blog? It's funny because I never really thought about it. I just always felt like God was leading me to share. I never really put anyone in a category or tried to figure out WHO or WHAT kind of person. I use a lot of scripture and talk about Christian living a lot so my blog probably would be for a Christian woman. Again, I never really thought of it that way but I guess it makes sense. Would non-believers or seekers be totally freaked out by my writing? I know what I think but I am sure there are many ways to look at that.
Last week I seriously considered changing my blog. I asked God to show me what I needed to do. For several days I sat on it, thought about it constantly and asked Him to show me anything I might be missing. I know, I know, it's just a blog! Who cares! Right? Finally after about four days, I knew what God wanted me to do. Leave it! The title may change or the appearance may change, but the content, the tone, those two will remain. Do you know how great it would be if I could just get on here and write out recipes or tell you stories about my kids? Or I know I can be funny so I why not get on here to make people laugh? That would be much more enjoyable in my opinion and those kinds of bloggers get "Blogging Awards". Who wants to read about a horrible childhood and struggles with marriage and difficulty in loving yourself?! Many times I have sat down at my computer to begin typing something, only to delete because the Holy Spirit is leading me to write something else.
A couple of weeks ago I was on the phone with my friend Janna. She said something to me that keeps coming back to me. Usually I don't process things for that long but her comment has been something I can't quit thinking about. I am paraphrasing but I will try to type what she said. "I've known you for a long time and you haven't changed. The stuff you talk about now, you were talking about then. I always knew I could come to you for the real life stuff. Despite all of your family issues, you remained steady. You didn't change." Tonight I have decided that what she said is probably the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. I spend so much time in self condemnation and struggling with who I am that I forget how far I have come. I forget the odds I have beaten and the past that I have found victory over. My best friend, Rebecca, tells me all the time "You don't give yourself any credit. You never have." She is right. I don't. But, I am realizing how much I need to. Somewhere in my life, someone taught me that I wasn't good enough. I was too loud, talked too much, asked too many questions and pissed too many people off, that I am shocked when someone thinks I am awesome. I really want to believe in myself but I am not sure how.
Yep. This is a pretty revealing blog and it's the kind I will wake up to in the morning and want to delete! My motivation is not for your praise and it's not for your comments. This was totally for me. And maybe, just maybe, someone will understand because they can relate to those guts of mine! That's what it's all about. That's why I blog!
A friend of mine has a cake/cookie business and one day she told me that I should write my devotions on a blog. I did not know what a blog was but she showed me her blog and I decided I would try it. And that's how my blogging story goes! I may not always write in a devotion format but I know I am serving my purpose by sharing the things I do. Sometimes it's big. Sometimes it's my guts. Sometimes it's just random crap! But whatever it is I am sharing, it's the real me and for some reason this is the ONE place I don't feel bad or disgusted with who the real me is. Blogging has been a powerful tool in my life, a healing balm. Some have said I share too much. Some have said that I should filter more or be more careful how I package things. I tend to disagree with that because I am being ME on this blog with a clean heart.
One of my biggest struggles in life is trying to change who I am. In the Dr.Phil world that we live in, some might think changing yourself is a good thing. Bad habits, yes. Destructive behavior, yes. But, that's not my issue. My issue is me wishing I was more quiet. Me wishing I was less emotional. Me wishing I wasn't so much a talker. Me wishing I was more quiet. Yes, I know I wrote that twice. There is a reason for that. My insecurities are real and I know there is no way on earth I am the only woman in this world that has them so, why not share them?!
Who am I trying to reach through this blog? It's funny because I never really thought about it. I just always felt like God was leading me to share. I never really put anyone in a category or tried to figure out WHO or WHAT kind of person. I use a lot of scripture and talk about Christian living a lot so my blog probably would be for a Christian woman. Again, I never really thought of it that way but I guess it makes sense. Would non-believers or seekers be totally freaked out by my writing? I know what I think but I am sure there are many ways to look at that.
Last week I seriously considered changing my blog. I asked God to show me what I needed to do. For several days I sat on it, thought about it constantly and asked Him to show me anything I might be missing. I know, I know, it's just a blog! Who cares! Right? Finally after about four days, I knew what God wanted me to do. Leave it! The title may change or the appearance may change, but the content, the tone, those two will remain. Do you know how great it would be if I could just get on here and write out recipes or tell you stories about my kids? Or I know I can be funny so I why not get on here to make people laugh? That would be much more enjoyable in my opinion and those kinds of bloggers get "Blogging Awards". Who wants to read about a horrible childhood and struggles with marriage and difficulty in loving yourself?! Many times I have sat down at my computer to begin typing something, only to delete because the Holy Spirit is leading me to write something else.
A couple of weeks ago I was on the phone with my friend Janna. She said something to me that keeps coming back to me. Usually I don't process things for that long but her comment has been something I can't quit thinking about. I am paraphrasing but I will try to type what she said. "I've known you for a long time and you haven't changed. The stuff you talk about now, you were talking about then. I always knew I could come to you for the real life stuff. Despite all of your family issues, you remained steady. You didn't change." Tonight I have decided that what she said is probably the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. I spend so much time in self condemnation and struggling with who I am that I forget how far I have come. I forget the odds I have beaten and the past that I have found victory over. My best friend, Rebecca, tells me all the time "You don't give yourself any credit. You never have." She is right. I don't. But, I am realizing how much I need to. Somewhere in my life, someone taught me that I wasn't good enough. I was too loud, talked too much, asked too many questions and pissed too many people off, that I am shocked when someone thinks I am awesome. I really want to believe in myself but I am not sure how.
Yep. This is a pretty revealing blog and it's the kind I will wake up to in the morning and want to delete! My motivation is not for your praise and it's not for your comments. This was totally for me. And maybe, just maybe, someone will understand because they can relate to those guts of mine! That's what it's all about. That's why I blog!
Friday, May 11, 2007
A sucky attitude
Somewhere along the way, I lost perspective on what really matters. Today I decided it's time to spend some serious time in chapter 6 of Ecclesiastes, followed by Proverbs 31. I need to be reminded of what REALLY matters. Since I have been in Austin, I am learning that there is so much, so much that needs to be stripped away.
I don't know how it happened. I grew up very simple. When I was in elementary school, I was not allowed to be in dance, cheerleading or anything else because I was constantly told, "We don't have the money." We always lived in apartments and then a mobile home. I can't say that we did without but we did not have anything fancy. Our cars were simple, our home was simple and I remember feeling like all of the girls that wore Espirit clothing or Jaboe jeans, were rich. I will never forget a pair of Guess jeans that a neighbor gave me once. I think I wore them every single day. At Christmas time during 6th grade, all the girls got Guess Overalls for Christmas and Units. Remember the Units stores? Good grief those were ugly but so popular! Oh how I envied those girls with the name brands clothes. Even back in 5th grade I can remember wanting a pair of white Keds because everyone was wearing them. Some girls had all colors and stacked their socks in different colors when wearing them. I had one pair and just wearing those ugly white sneakers with the bright blue box on the very back of the heel that said, Keds, was heaven. This taste for wanting the most popular fashion carried me into high school and now tends to overtake me at times, even at thirty-one years old.
When we sat in our attorney's office for our first initial meeting regarding our Chapter 7 bankruptcy, he made us aware of debt counseling we were required to go through. So included in our cost to pay the attorney and file for bankruptcy, was also the cost for Dave Ramsay's debt counseling. We have already began some of it but have lots to finish up via the Internet over the next forty-five days. I don't think I was prepared for the lifestyle change that Dave Ramsay says must be inforced in order to live debt free. But my husband is totally on board and that means I have to be. It is the hardest thing ever for me to adjust to.
I used to have a friend that drove a pretty awful mini-van. She hated that thing with a passion. It was awful because it did not go in reverse. Every single time I think about us loading all of our kids up in that van, I laugh. We always had to park really far out to make sure we had a space where we could just pull forward. Sometimes we got lucky and found one at the front of the parking lot but that was rare. Every once in a while she would get herself in a position where she had to be pushed. And you know the sound some cars make when you leave the keys in the ignition and you open a door. You know the constant dinging? Well, her's did that while we were just driving down the road. Even now I am laughing because it truly was hilarious. But guess what? The van was free! No car payments, nothing! I don't know how much they paid for it but it couldn't have been much. Despite all of it's issues, it worked and it was paid for. My friend was embarrassed by it but I always thought it was a great way to keep a beautiful woman like herself feeling humble. When she finally got rid of it, she was thrilled to have a new vehicle that actually went in reverse. Wouldn't you?
In order to do things Dave Ramsay's way and GOD'S way, we are having to make some drastic changes. So one of the hardest things we have done is not sign the reaffirmation agreement on our Ford that has THREE rows of seats and is only a year and a half old. We are turning it back in. There is no way we can justify paying for it and even if Jeremy still had the salary he had at UPS, we would still be STUPID to keep it. Jeremy decided this week to make me start driving his truck so I will get accustom to having the three kids in a smaller, older vehicle. Thankfully it is four door but it does not have near the room or the bells and whistles mine does. While I am driving the truck, he is planning on buying a little clunker to drive to and from work . Today I got very frustrated with all the change going on. The kids and I went to Old Navy and were planning on going to Target until I realized what a chore it was to get them in and out of that truck. My attitude went down the drain when I started thinking about the Texas heat that will arrive soon and how sweaty I will get trying to get my stroller shoved in the FRONT seat with me and getting all the kids shoved in the back seat. Josiah can no longer take his seat belt off himself while in the booster seat because the seats are so close together. Today I felt like saying a million cuss words as I tried to get everyone loaded and the stereo/cd player in his truck sucks! See, don't I have a good attitude!
But on a brighter note, I bought some stuff for me and the kids at Old Navy today and that was wonderful. It's been a LONG time. We have not had credit cards in over a year but even so, my buying clothes every single time I went into to Target or Old Navy or Wal Mart has had to stop. Yes, I know. I sound like a spoiled brat but this is a new phase for me. And good grief Charlie Brown, it is TOUGH! I realize that this post may sound pretty dumb compared to all the things going on in our world. There are people with cancer, brain tumors, mom's who have sons serving in Iraq, etc. This really means nothing and that is what I am trying to focus on.
Right now, my friend's mini-van sounds like a Cadillac to me! I would take it in a heart beat! Clothes, shoes, cars, it really means nothing but it sure makes this life a lot more fun for us girls, don't it?!
Okay so I am off to get a better attitude and thank God for all the incredible blessings I have!
NO CAR PAYMENTS! That's worth it and that's a HUGE blessing!
(P.S. If you think you don't struggle with this stuff, if you can't be honest with yourself and others, don't comment. REAL life comments are allowed, nothing else. Thank you very much.)
I don't know how it happened. I grew up very simple. When I was in elementary school, I was not allowed to be in dance, cheerleading or anything else because I was constantly told, "We don't have the money." We always lived in apartments and then a mobile home. I can't say that we did without but we did not have anything fancy. Our cars were simple, our home was simple and I remember feeling like all of the girls that wore Espirit clothing or Jaboe jeans, were rich. I will never forget a pair of Guess jeans that a neighbor gave me once. I think I wore them every single day. At Christmas time during 6th grade, all the girls got Guess Overalls for Christmas and Units. Remember the Units stores? Good grief those were ugly but so popular! Oh how I envied those girls with the name brands clothes. Even back in 5th grade I can remember wanting a pair of white Keds because everyone was wearing them. Some girls had all colors and stacked their socks in different colors when wearing them. I had one pair and just wearing those ugly white sneakers with the bright blue box on the very back of the heel that said, Keds, was heaven. This taste for wanting the most popular fashion carried me into high school and now tends to overtake me at times, even at thirty-one years old.
When we sat in our attorney's office for our first initial meeting regarding our Chapter 7 bankruptcy, he made us aware of debt counseling we were required to go through. So included in our cost to pay the attorney and file for bankruptcy, was also the cost for Dave Ramsay's debt counseling. We have already began some of it but have lots to finish up via the Internet over the next forty-five days. I don't think I was prepared for the lifestyle change that Dave Ramsay says must be inforced in order to live debt free. But my husband is totally on board and that means I have to be. It is the hardest thing ever for me to adjust to.
I used to have a friend that drove a pretty awful mini-van. She hated that thing with a passion. It was awful because it did not go in reverse. Every single time I think about us loading all of our kids up in that van, I laugh. We always had to park really far out to make sure we had a space where we could just pull forward. Sometimes we got lucky and found one at the front of the parking lot but that was rare. Every once in a while she would get herself in a position where she had to be pushed. And you know the sound some cars make when you leave the keys in the ignition and you open a door. You know the constant dinging? Well, her's did that while we were just driving down the road. Even now I am laughing because it truly was hilarious. But guess what? The van was free! No car payments, nothing! I don't know how much they paid for it but it couldn't have been much. Despite all of it's issues, it worked and it was paid for. My friend was embarrassed by it but I always thought it was a great way to keep a beautiful woman like herself feeling humble. When she finally got rid of it, she was thrilled to have a new vehicle that actually went in reverse. Wouldn't you?
In order to do things Dave Ramsay's way and GOD'S way, we are having to make some drastic changes. So one of the hardest things we have done is not sign the reaffirmation agreement on our Ford that has THREE rows of seats and is only a year and a half old. We are turning it back in. There is no way we can justify paying for it and even if Jeremy still had the salary he had at UPS, we would still be STUPID to keep it. Jeremy decided this week to make me start driving his truck so I will get accustom to having the three kids in a smaller, older vehicle. Thankfully it is four door but it does not have near the room or the bells and whistles mine does. While I am driving the truck, he is planning on buying a little clunker to drive to and from work . Today I got very frustrated with all the change going on. The kids and I went to Old Navy and were planning on going to Target until I realized what a chore it was to get them in and out of that truck. My attitude went down the drain when I started thinking about the Texas heat that will arrive soon and how sweaty I will get trying to get my stroller shoved in the FRONT seat with me and getting all the kids shoved in the back seat. Josiah can no longer take his seat belt off himself while in the booster seat because the seats are so close together. Today I felt like saying a million cuss words as I tried to get everyone loaded and the stereo/cd player in his truck sucks! See, don't I have a good attitude!
But on a brighter note, I bought some stuff for me and the kids at Old Navy today and that was wonderful. It's been a LONG time. We have not had credit cards in over a year but even so, my buying clothes every single time I went into to Target or Old Navy or Wal Mart has had to stop. Yes, I know. I sound like a spoiled brat but this is a new phase for me. And good grief Charlie Brown, it is TOUGH! I realize that this post may sound pretty dumb compared to all the things going on in our world. There are people with cancer, brain tumors, mom's who have sons serving in Iraq, etc. This really means nothing and that is what I am trying to focus on.
Right now, my friend's mini-van sounds like a Cadillac to me! I would take it in a heart beat! Clothes, shoes, cars, it really means nothing but it sure makes this life a lot more fun for us girls, don't it?!
Okay so I am off to get a better attitude and thank God for all the incredible blessings I have!
NO CAR PAYMENTS! That's worth it and that's a HUGE blessing!
(P.S. If you think you don't struggle with this stuff, if you can't be honest with yourself and others, don't comment. REAL life comments are allowed, nothing else. Thank you very much.)
Labels: a new beginning, a new chapter, adjusting, wrestling
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Those dang expectations!
Christmas in my house is usually overboard. Well, actually it's always overboard. It is by far my most favorite time of the year. I've written about it many times before but for those of you that don't remember, I begin playing Christmas music the first week in November and my house is decorated for Christmas the weekend before Thanksgiving. That time of year is magical for me because I get to live out many dreams by creating traditions with my children. We did not really have any traditions when I was growing up so I probably over do it with making ones for my own kids. I go crazy with baking, decorating, shopping, Christmas music, Christmas lights, taking the kids to do Christmas things, the kids always have matching Christmas shirts, Christmas pajamas (that I always buy the day after Thanksgiving) and we always send out Christmas card pictures. In fact, I have already started getting excited about decorating this year in a new house and I know that I bought some Christmas stuff last year the week after Christmas that I can't wait to get out and use! At Christmas time, you can call me Clark because that's pretty much who I become.
Jeremy told me the year before last that I need to chill out at Christmas time. "You have all these expectations for Christmas and if they don't happen, you freak out." It's so true! He was right. So last year I really tried to not freak out when we couldn't take Josiah to North Park Mall in Dallas to see the train Exhibit. And when I realized I did not have enough time to bake SANTA homemade Christmas cookies to put on our Santa plate, I was okay with store bought. Well, kind of. I beat myself up on the inside. Expectations! They get me every single time! I also felt like crap when I did not make Ava Beth's birthday cake last year or Josiah's birthday cupcakes. But Jeremy talked me into giving myself a break since I was nine months pregnant for both birthdays! I won't lie though, I still felt like I was breaking my birthday cake tradition. The kids did not put that expectation on me, I did. It seems I often set a standard for myself that I just can't keep up with and i can't imagine how that makes others feel. I can't keep up with myself so I sure don't want others thinking they have to. You know what I mean?
So here I am again with all of these expectations that just don't seem very realistic. I felt before we moved that we were being obedient to what God called us to do. I still feel this way. It has not changed. The problem I am having, the wrestling I am doing has to do with what I "thought" it would be like. Our life back in Dallas was missing something huge. Fellowship. It was missing encouragement, accountability and much more. For some reason I had these visions of going walking or running every night or morning because my husband would be home more. That is not happening. I pictured me sitting in coffee shops with the girls after the kids were in bed, not happening. I pictured us sitting down to eat dinner at 5:30pm every night instead of 7, 8 or 9pm! I pictured a lot of stuff that just aint' happening. I pictured more time with my husband. Instead I am getting less. My expectations have failed me.
If God would have told me all of this, we would not have moved. Obviously. But God, was asking us to take a step in FAITH. Faith requires me to do something even when I have no idea what lies ahead. A few of you have asked if Kyle and Erika ask us to move to help them. They did not ask us to come to Austin. Sometimes I wish they would have. I think it would be easier in a way. But what we did came straight out of prayer. We were blind, totally blind. A career change, a house change, an everything change. There is not one thing about this that is COMFORTABLE.
A few of my family members lurk on this blog and they have shared that I don't seem happy. They have even started voicing their concerns about not having older people mentoring us, etc. They have said, "I thought Jeremy would not be working as much. I thought y'all would have more money to spend." And the list goes on and on and on. Even writing this is a risk because I know that family members will think we made a mistake because we are struggling. Which makes me think they may not fully understand what FAITH truly is. That comment may offend but this is my blog and I am fed up with having to say, "EVERYTHING IS GREAT" so they won't think we are failing.
My struggle is not in thinking we made a mistake. I do not believe that for one second. My struggle is with what God is asking of me. He is wanting me to trust Him right now despite what I see and my flesh is putting up the biggest fight ever! I honestly cannot remember a time where my spiritual battle was ever as tough as this. A church plant needs strong people that have their life in order and can give time to invest in the community. No, it doesn't need perfect people but the core group needs to be able to overcome. I feel like every single time I struggle or every single time we have to say no, that I am failing RC and failing myself. Yes, I KNOW it's only been a month but again, my expectations set me up!
I've got to quit operating in fear. I am struggling so much right now with seeing through the clouds instead of spending so much time grieving those expectations!
(Please keep in mind that this is an online journal. I share a lot of stuff and I don't expect everyone to hear my tone of voice or understand me, especially when most of you don't know me. I am not sitting in my house crying or freaking out. I'm just typing what I feel. I am not depressed, I am not doubting. I'm not unhappy. I'm just in the middle of a huge growth spurt and I am trying to remain positive when I feel like bitching instead.)
Jeremy told me the year before last that I need to chill out at Christmas time. "You have all these expectations for Christmas and if they don't happen, you freak out." It's so true! He was right. So last year I really tried to not freak out when we couldn't take Josiah to North Park Mall in Dallas to see the train Exhibit. And when I realized I did not have enough time to bake SANTA homemade Christmas cookies to put on our Santa plate, I was okay with store bought. Well, kind of. I beat myself up on the inside. Expectations! They get me every single time! I also felt like crap when I did not make Ava Beth's birthday cake last year or Josiah's birthday cupcakes. But Jeremy talked me into giving myself a break since I was nine months pregnant for both birthdays! I won't lie though, I still felt like I was breaking my birthday cake tradition. The kids did not put that expectation on me, I did. It seems I often set a standard for myself that I just can't keep up with and i can't imagine how that makes others feel. I can't keep up with myself so I sure don't want others thinking they have to. You know what I mean?
So here I am again with all of these expectations that just don't seem very realistic. I felt before we moved that we were being obedient to what God called us to do. I still feel this way. It has not changed. The problem I am having, the wrestling I am doing has to do with what I "thought" it would be like. Our life back in Dallas was missing something huge. Fellowship. It was missing encouragement, accountability and much more. For some reason I had these visions of going walking or running every night or morning because my husband would be home more. That is not happening. I pictured me sitting in coffee shops with the girls after the kids were in bed, not happening. I pictured us sitting down to eat dinner at 5:30pm every night instead of 7, 8 or 9pm! I pictured a lot of stuff that just aint' happening. I pictured more time with my husband. Instead I am getting less. My expectations have failed me.
If God would have told me all of this, we would not have moved. Obviously. But God, was asking us to take a step in FAITH. Faith requires me to do something even when I have no idea what lies ahead. A few of you have asked if Kyle and Erika ask us to move to help them. They did not ask us to come to Austin. Sometimes I wish they would have. I think it would be easier in a way. But what we did came straight out of prayer. We were blind, totally blind. A career change, a house change, an everything change. There is not one thing about this that is COMFORTABLE.
A few of my family members lurk on this blog and they have shared that I don't seem happy. They have even started voicing their concerns about not having older people mentoring us, etc. They have said, "I thought Jeremy would not be working as much. I thought y'all would have more money to spend." And the list goes on and on and on. Even writing this is a risk because I know that family members will think we made a mistake because we are struggling. Which makes me think they may not fully understand what FAITH truly is. That comment may offend but this is my blog and I am fed up with having to say, "EVERYTHING IS GREAT" so they won't think we are failing.
My struggle is not in thinking we made a mistake. I do not believe that for one second. My struggle is with what God is asking of me. He is wanting me to trust Him right now despite what I see and my flesh is putting up the biggest fight ever! I honestly cannot remember a time where my spiritual battle was ever as tough as this. A church plant needs strong people that have their life in order and can give time to invest in the community. No, it doesn't need perfect people but the core group needs to be able to overcome. I feel like every single time I struggle or every single time we have to say no, that I am failing RC and failing myself. Yes, I KNOW it's only been a month but again, my expectations set me up!
I've got to quit operating in fear. I am struggling so much right now with seeing through the clouds instead of spending so much time grieving those expectations!
(Please keep in mind that this is an online journal. I share a lot of stuff and I don't expect everyone to hear my tone of voice or understand me, especially when most of you don't know me. I am not sitting in my house crying or freaking out. I'm just typing what I feel. I am not depressed, I am not doubting. I'm not unhappy. I'm just in the middle of a huge growth spurt and I am trying to remain positive when I feel like bitching instead.)
Labels: dying to self, wrestling
