Monday, June 04, 2007
Don't worry, the sun is coming out!
Over the past couple of weeks there have been some questions raised about my blog. Nothing bad, just questions asked. Who am I trying to reach? Am I only writing to minister to "Seasoned Christians"? Should I change what I write so it would be more appealing to non-believers? It's something I have thought long and hard about. I've been having conversations with God about this a lot. The more I pray to find out the purpose of this blog, the more I feel like the Lord is showing me that my purpose is the same. When I started this blog almost two years ago it was to share the things God is showing me in my own life. By doing that, I knew that the Lord would use it to speak to other women like myself. Before I knew what a blog was, I wrote devotions. It all started one day when I was writing them on email and sending them out to every single person I knew. I was twenty years old and attended a gigantic church in the Dallas area. One of my friends was the sports pastor at the church and had been reading my devotion emails. He asked me if I would be able to write sports oriented devotions for all of the basketball games and flag football games. Of course I agreed and began writing a new devotion every single week. The devotions became a hit and it was then I realized that God spoke to me in an incredible way where others could relate.

A friend of mine has a cake/cookie business and one day she told me that I should write my devotions on a blog. I did not know what a blog was but she showed me her blog and I decided I would try it. And that's how my blogging story goes! I may not always write in a devotion format but I know I am serving my purpose by sharing the things I do. Sometimes it's big. Sometimes it's my guts. Sometimes it's just random crap! But whatever it is I am sharing, it's the real me and for some reason this is the ONE place I don't feel bad or disgusted with who the real me is. Blogging has been a powerful tool in my life, a healing balm. Some have said I share too much. Some have said that I should filter more or be more careful how I package things. I tend to disagree with that because I am being ME on this blog with a clean heart.

One of my biggest struggles in life is trying to change who I am. In the Dr.Phil world that we live in, some might think changing yourself is a good thing. Bad habits, yes. Destructive behavior, yes. But, that's not my issue. My issue is me wishing I was more quiet. Me wishing I was less emotional. Me wishing I wasn't so much a talker. Me wishing I was more quiet. Yes, I know I wrote that twice. There is a reason for that. My insecurities are real and I know there is no way on earth I am the only woman in this world that has them so, why not share them?!

Who am I trying to reach through this blog? It's funny because I never really thought about it. I just always felt like God was leading me to share. I never really put anyone in a category or tried to figure out WHO or WHAT kind of person. I use a lot of scripture and talk about Christian living a lot so my blog probably would be for a Christian woman. Again, I never really thought of it that way but I guess it makes sense. Would non-believers or seekers be totally freaked out by my writing? I know what I think but I am sure there are many ways to look at that.

Last week I seriously considered changing my blog. I asked God to show me what I needed to do. For several days I sat on it, thought about it constantly and asked Him to show me anything I might be missing. I know, I know, it's just a blog! Who cares! Right? Finally after about four days, I knew what God wanted me to do. Leave it! The title may change or the appearance may change, but the content, the tone, those two will remain. Do you know how great it would be if I could just get on here and write out recipes or tell you stories about my kids? Or I know I can be funny so I why not get on here to make people laugh? That would be much more enjoyable in my opinion and those kinds of bloggers get "Blogging Awards". Who wants to read about a horrible childhood and struggles with marriage and difficulty in loving yourself?! Many times I have sat down at my computer to begin typing something, only to delete because the Holy Spirit is leading me to write something else.

A couple of weeks ago I was on the phone with my friend Janna. She said something to me that keeps coming back to me. Usually I don't process things for that long but her comment has been something I can't quit thinking about. I am paraphrasing but I will try to type what she said. "I've known you for a long time and you haven't changed. The stuff you talk about now, you were talking about then. I always knew I could come to you for the real life stuff. Despite all of your family issues, you remained steady. You didn't change." Tonight I have decided that what she said is probably the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. I spend so much time in self condemnation and struggling with who I am that I forget how far I have come. I forget the odds I have beaten and the past that I have found victory over. My best friend, Rebecca, tells me all the time "You don't give yourself any credit. You never have." She is right. I don't. But, I am realizing how much I need to. Somewhere in my life, someone taught me that I wasn't good enough. I was too loud, talked too much, asked too many questions and pissed too many people off, that I am shocked when someone thinks I am awesome. I really want to believe in myself but I am not sure how.

Yep. This is a pretty revealing blog and it's the kind I will wake up to in the morning and want to delete! My motivation is not for your praise and it's not for your comments. This was totally for me. And maybe, just maybe, someone will understand because they can relate to those guts of mine! That's what it's all about. That's why I blog!

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  posted at 11:29 PM

At 1:52 AM, Blogger Jennisa said...

Don't delete it! It's so great to read how far you've come and how God has used you. I'm glad you're keeping "Something Beautiful", and I look forward to seeing how you jazz it up! Blessings from another imperfect momma...

At 5:08 AM, Blogger Christina said...

The reason why I come here to read your blog everyday is because you are real. I love that about you! ((HUGS))

At 5:19 AM, Blogger Kelly said...

I'm so glad you are going to continue to be you, and true to who God made you. Your heart is truly "something beautiful" and I love the way you share it without an agenda... instead of trying to "reach" a certain group of people you just share what God has laid on your heart, and share your own struggles. This is the authenticity I believe God has called us to... not trying to edit ourselves so we don't offend the seeker, or being pious so we don't offend the "churched"... but the real, God changing, mistake making, repenting, and most of all proud to be God loving Christians we are.
You are wonderful just the way you are, and I have to say, from reading your blog this last year, you have impacted my life. I often think of you and am encouraged in my own daily life. I'm sorry so many people feel the need to question you and what you do, making you doubt yourself, but I hope it is encouraging that people wouldn't be so critical if what you did and said wasn't impacting them. When God uses us and we are obedient... people get upset. But, the good news is that as long as you are following His Word, and seeking HIm (NOT being perfect!!), He is rejoicing in Heaven, and that is the great reward.
God bless you- you are a precious person and I am praying for your encouragement and strength in your daily life.

At 5:37 AM, Blogger Paula said...

Many times, especially women, we get caught up in people pleasing and others opinions. I think it is one struggle that is hard to over come. You are getting there.
This blog is all about you and what God is doing for you. That should never change. God WILL and IS using you. He WILL and IS bringing the believers and non-believers alike. You just continue to be the vessel and let God do the work. He will give the reader the messgae they need to hear at the appropriate time.
Blogging is kinda like TV shows. If people don't like it, they will change the channel. The faithful ones will be back week after week.
But in the end, this is your relection time and you need it. That is ALL that matters.

At 5:37 AM, Blogger Dee @ All the While said...

Regarding Christina's comment - I second that! Your honesty and "guts" are what I love about you! You are who you are - there are NO questions about that! Keep doing what you're doing! As much as you need to share - I am sure I speak for many when I say WE NEED TO READ IT! We are encouraged, inspired and often humbled by your words and I personally have dug deeper into the scripture simply because of things you've said...if that isn't God working, and you involved in ministry...... :)

I love ya!

At 5:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

from mom

Never compromise! God really did create "something beautiful" in you. He gave you the name for your blog. Your blog was birthed from a very long gestational period. You can't give up your baby! There is no safe place to leave it. Keep it! Nurture it! Grow it!

I love you.

At 5:48 AM, Blogger Karen said...

I just love you!!! You blog your guts, girl! You are such an encouragement to me to be real. Thank you for sharing all of you - guts and all. :-)

Blessings and ((Hugs))~

At 6:30 AM, Blogger Lolly said...

I love what you say, that you are sharing your guts. That is exactly what you are doing. You are being vulnerable. Vulnerabilty + Acceptance = Intimacy. You are throwing yourself out there. When you feel total acceptance from others, you will have the intimacy with others that you are looking for. You have done your part!

At 6:45 AM, Blogger Gwen said...

You are awesome! Just like so many have said it is because you are real and you share your guts that I come to read! You have inspired me and my walk in soooo many ways you will never understand! Love ya...even if I won't be getting my recipes!!! LOL!!! (I'm just kidding!)

At 7:02 AM, Anonymous Lela said...

You asked, "Who wants to read about my struggles and difficulties?" I Do! I have related to you many times and have been thankful that you share your guts. Because your difficulties sometimes relate to my difficulties, I have realized that I am not the only way that things happen to. I know, I know, everyone has troubles. But sometimes, others need to hear that and see how others deal with it. That's uplifting for me.

At 7:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can only speak for me - for sure, but I think those of us that read your blog daily really do appriciate the real you - raw and emotional and mood changing! It makes me feel ok and real at times when I feel that way - I have even gone back to Far more than Rubies some days looking for a blog you posted that I had already read that I knew if I re-read it - I would think ok - I am not alone in this! I admire your writing! i hope it stays this way ;o))

At 7:53 AM, Blogger Liz said...

I am sure I am just repeating what everyone else said...I love your blog and getting to see your heart. Honesty is something that is so needed. It's refreshing to come here and know that I will get it like it is...and I can so relate. We all need that, someone who understands the hardships of life and doesn't fluff it up and pretend it's something it isn't.

Thanks for being real! You are a blessing.

At 9:19 AM, Blogger Amanda said...

Thank you all so much for your words! WOW!

No one has asked me to change my blog, so don't worry. I just had some questions shot my way and I am glad because it has made me refocus on what the purpose of it really is!


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