Monday, June 04, 2007
It's raining today. Again.
It's finally caught up with me. I've been doing everything possible to avoid it and everything possible to keep myself from admitting it. For the first time during my life as a blogger, I am scared to type what I am about to type. Fear runs through my veins because I know somewhere out there, someone is waiting to judge me, correct me or fill my inbox or comment box with unwanted advice. But, if I don't confess, if I don't come clean and admit what I am dealing with, I am afraid I will only get worse.
I am depressed.
As I type this post, I hear loud rolls of thunder outside the windows. For some reason I usually find comfort in the storm. It makes me feel cozy and warm. Something about seeing the dark, cloudy sky reminds me that this is the time to stay inside all nestled up. The storms always make me want to curl up on the couch and sleep or shut all of the blinds and watch a movie in the dark. Lately I have heard a lot of people say how much they enjoy the Summer. But for me, I enjoy the cold winter. The winter just makes me feel safer for some reason.
Before moving two months ago, my husband left at 7:15am in the morning and arrived home at anytime between 5:30pm and 7pm. Most days it was around 6pm. He had just gotten to a place in his job where his schedule was predictable and with three kids, it was nice knowing when Daddy would be home. Every Friday night or every other Friday night, we had a date. It was a given! Friday nights were ours and other nights too, if we wanted. Grandparents were within a few miles and rarely did they say no if they were needed. Now, he leaves at 5:30am and doesn't get home until 7pm or 8pm or 9pm or 9:30pm. And the Grandparents? Well, they are all pretty busy. A few of them don't even have time to come visit and the ones that do have to hurry back. It's not their fault, they are just busy and we live three hours away. Some family, since we have moved, don't even call. And as time goes by, our kids forget about who we left behind and I am beginning to understand why.
Friends were something I had too. I did not have a lot but I had a few that were constant sources in my life. If I wanted to spend time with them, if I needed them, they were there. We knew each other so well that there was no time I had to spend getting to know them. There weren't any questions in my mind as to whether or not they truly loved me. It was a given. We had something granted to us that was a wonderful gift, time. Time had made our friendship strong, time had showed us that no matter what, our friendship would remain. And I find that to be a very comforting and wonderful thing.
Today, I am depressed. Maybe it's the rain, maybe it's the fact that I have had sick kids for a solid week or maybe it's the fact that my old friends are busy with life three hours away that we don't talk as much. Maybe it's the fact that my new friends are still learning me and I am still learning them and we don't talk on the phone or see each other as much as old friends. I'm lonely, I am sad and my parenting is at an all time LOW. I've yelled, I've spanked, I've cried. And in six years of marriage, I have never felt so disconnected from my husband as I do now.
I'm not sure what I need to do. Maybe I need medicine. I've been on it before for anxiety and I think it worked. But, our insurance does not kick in for two more months at the new job. Maybe I need a date night with my husband. But that is probably not going to happen for a few more weeks and my pride doesn't want one because that means I will have to plan it. He doesn't plan dates. Right now, I am feeling selfish. I want it to be about me. I want to hear what an incredible amazing woman I am or mom I am or wife I am. But, I am going to have to rely on the Lord to fill me up because no one else is.
When I was single, I remember being very lonely. When I got married, that was resolved instantly. But today, that same haunting feeling has returned and I am a little confused about everything right now.
Thankfully, I know where to go. I know who to turn to. So I am asking Jesus to help me today. I sure need it! I'm in the midst of a storm and usually I find comfort in staying in and drawing close to the Lord. But today, the storm is a little scary. I need some sunshine.
A friend of mine told me before we moved that we were leaving our Egypt. Well, I am afraid I know why those Israelites took so long to get to their destination because right now Egypt sounds pretty damn good.
I am depressed.
As I type this post, I hear loud rolls of thunder outside the windows. For some reason I usually find comfort in the storm. It makes me feel cozy and warm. Something about seeing the dark, cloudy sky reminds me that this is the time to stay inside all nestled up. The storms always make me want to curl up on the couch and sleep or shut all of the blinds and watch a movie in the dark. Lately I have heard a lot of people say how much they enjoy the Summer. But for me, I enjoy the cold winter. The winter just makes me feel safer for some reason.
Before moving two months ago, my husband left at 7:15am in the morning and arrived home at anytime between 5:30pm and 7pm. Most days it was around 6pm. He had just gotten to a place in his job where his schedule was predictable and with three kids, it was nice knowing when Daddy would be home. Every Friday night or every other Friday night, we had a date. It was a given! Friday nights were ours and other nights too, if we wanted. Grandparents were within a few miles and rarely did they say no if they were needed. Now, he leaves at 5:30am and doesn't get home until 7pm or 8pm or 9pm or 9:30pm. And the Grandparents? Well, they are all pretty busy. A few of them don't even have time to come visit and the ones that do have to hurry back. It's not their fault, they are just busy and we live three hours away. Some family, since we have moved, don't even call. And as time goes by, our kids forget about who we left behind and I am beginning to understand why.
Friends were something I had too. I did not have a lot but I had a few that were constant sources in my life. If I wanted to spend time with them, if I needed them, they were there. We knew each other so well that there was no time I had to spend getting to know them. There weren't any questions in my mind as to whether or not they truly loved me. It was a given. We had something granted to us that was a wonderful gift, time. Time had made our friendship strong, time had showed us that no matter what, our friendship would remain. And I find that to be a very comforting and wonderful thing.
Today, I am depressed. Maybe it's the rain, maybe it's the fact that I have had sick kids for a solid week or maybe it's the fact that my old friends are busy with life three hours away that we don't talk as much. Maybe it's the fact that my new friends are still learning me and I am still learning them and we don't talk on the phone or see each other as much as old friends. I'm lonely, I am sad and my parenting is at an all time LOW. I've yelled, I've spanked, I've cried. And in six years of marriage, I have never felt so disconnected from my husband as I do now.
I'm not sure what I need to do. Maybe I need medicine. I've been on it before for anxiety and I think it worked. But, our insurance does not kick in for two more months at the new job. Maybe I need a date night with my husband. But that is probably not going to happen for a few more weeks and my pride doesn't want one because that means I will have to plan it. He doesn't plan dates. Right now, I am feeling selfish. I want it to be about me. I want to hear what an incredible amazing woman I am or mom I am or wife I am. But, I am going to have to rely on the Lord to fill me up because no one else is.
When I was single, I remember being very lonely. When I got married, that was resolved instantly. But today, that same haunting feeling has returned and I am a little confused about everything right now.
Thankfully, I know where to go. I know who to turn to. So I am asking Jesus to help me today. I sure need it! I'm in the midst of a storm and usually I find comfort in staying in and drawing close to the Lord. But today, the storm is a little scary. I need some sunshine.
A friend of mine told me before we moved that we were leaving our Egypt. Well, I am afraid I know why those Israelites took so long to get to their destination because right now Egypt sounds pretty damn good.
6 Comments:
I miss you dearly, my sweet friend! I hope you have your special magnet on your fridge to remind you how much I love you!!
I ran to Target last night to get out of the house for a bit (I'm battling the "blues" myself). Out of habit I dialed your number to meet me to see what kind of awesome sales we could find. Even though I am 3 hours away, I think of you every day. I miss you tons!!
Love you!!
Kelly Ann
You don't know me, Amanda, though i often read your blog and have been inspired so much by your faith in our Lord. I just wanted to tell you that I'm praying for you, and I KNOW that your trust in Him will not fail you!
God bless you, and please pray for me!
~Margaret Ryland
Dear sweet Amanda. My heart goes out to you.
Honestly, I have no good advice. I do know that God is One that hears, loves and heals.
Seek and you shall find.
Knock and the door shall open.
I will be praying for this season. Amanda. That is what it is....a season. Thank God seasons come and go.
Love, Paula
PS~I will send you some pictures soon. Promise.
Sweet Amanda -
You shouldn't fear what you share, though I can see why you might. You have opened your heart to us time and again, you have inspired and uplifted us time and again. I am praying! I can say I have been where you are (and yep - mine was with a move and a new baby and a new job for hubby). It's not a comfy place to be - but I agree with Paula - it's a season! I learned much in my season of depression. I don't desire to go back, but I sure did come out stronger. Medication, dates, friends --- they are all great and if they work, there is NOTHING wrong with them... but keep on praying! NEVER stop that! He is the only one who can comfort you the way you need comforting!
I love you and am here... no judgment or advice, even, as each person is different. Except, keep on praying and sink yourself in the Psalms. How often David cried out in the Psalms......
Praying ---
Praying for you sweet girl!
Jennifer R.
from mom:
Don't beat yourself up! Change almost always brings on a form of depression. Depression, in and of itself, is not really a bad thing. Sometimes it draws us into ourselves for reflection. The harm is staying "in ourselves" too long. Your real defining moments in life will come from this. This time will build character in you that you never knew you had. No one likes change. There are 5 of you going through change right now. However, you are the only one in the five that really knows what you are all feeling. The other 4 are depending on solely on YOU to get them through. Even Ezekiel feels it. It will all be OK. You are doing exactly what you need to be doing about it. You are in the WORD, you are praying and you are talking and staying active. Keep pressing on -- you have to.
I love you and I miss you.
mom
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