Tuesday, November 14, 2006
refusing fear
A good friend emailed me yesterday to tell me to pray for her good friend that just lost a baby. She was seven months pregnant and due the exact same time as me. While she was at a doctor's visit, they were unable to find a heartbeat. The next day she had a c-section where she delivered a still born baby. They had just painted the nursery and her baby shower was planned for tonight. As soon as I heard this news, I wished that my friend had not told me this. I know that I can't be driven by fear and I can't allow other people's tragedies to paralyze me with fear of the same happening during my pregnancy. But sometimes you can't help those feelings from coming. That's when I have to cover my own self in prayer and meditate on His Word.

When I was pregnant with Josiah, I worked with another woman who was pregnant and due just a few weeks after me. We talked non-stop about our pregnancies and it was a first for both of us. One day I showed her the stuff I had picked out for the nursery. I was about twenty weeks pregnant at the time. After showing her all the stuff I had picked out, I asked her if she knew what she was doing in her nursery. She explained that her and her husband were not going to buy or plan anything until the baby was here, in her hands and healthy. I was shocked! She went on to tell me that she has heard too many stories of bad things happening and in her culture, it was bad luck to buy things before the baby came. It was obvious to me that her pregnancy was driven by fear. I resigned my position at twenty-five weeks so I could enjoy being home before the baby came. We lost contact and I am not sure how the rest of her pregnancy went but I do know she delivered a healthy baby girl. But the entire time we worked together while pregnant, she was fearful. If the baby did not move, she freaked. If she didn't throw up one day, she panicked. She called the doctor for everything. Instead of being happy that the morning sickness had ceased, she feared that the baby had died and that's why she was no longer having symptoms. While I drank my daily Dr. Pepper, she told me I was putting my baby in danger for having any caffeine. And then there was the fetal monitor that went with her every where she went. At times I would worry about myself just because of the fear she had. During that time I could not help but think, "Why would God want me to worry for nine months when I should be happy about the prayer he has answered?"

When Josiah was fifteen months old, I had a miscarriage. It was one of the most difficult times in my life. But, I didn't stay down in that depressed pit for long. I was determined to find joy and I did. During that time of grief, I learned how sweet the comfort of the Holy Spirit is. I am grateful for that time. Three months later, I was pregnant with Ava Beth. When I was pregnant those first few months with her, I was tempted to be afraid many times. I took a pregnancy test, saw that I was pregnant and was so excited then a few days later, I was fearful. I lived from sonogram to sonogram, heartbeat to heartbeat, doctor's appointment to doctor's appointment. Then I realized how much I was sinning by being so worried about the pregnancy. I spent a lot of time in prayer, a lot of time. While doing so I realized that God wants to bless me. He longs to make my dreams come true. He wants to give me the desires of my heart. It is in HIS will for me to be a Mommy. But worrying so much was taking the gift away that He was giving me. One afternoon when I was about fifteen weeks with Ava Beth, I wrote a letter to myself that I believe was from the Lord. I could sense the Holy Spirit speaking to me, calling my name so I began to write. I still have that letter. I still have all that He whispered into my ear that day (Jeremiah 33:3). Every now and then I read it to remind myself that God wants to bring blessings to my life. It doesn't mean that bad things won't happen, they will. But I don't have to live in fear of them. My childhood taught me to fear when things were going well. I learned to question things when I was feeling happy or fulfilled. I had the mindset that if things were going smooth, I better look out for trouble to come. I learned to function in fear and chaos, that's what I did best. It was very difficult for me to learn to be content, happy and free from fear. However, my pregnancy with AB changed me in many ways. It was during those nine months that I finally felt like I had permission to be happy.

This pregnancy has been totally different from the others. From the moment I took the pregnancy test, I have felt at peace. Of course I was nervous the first few Doctor's visits, that's to be expected. But something has been absent from this pregnancy, fear. Not a day goes by that I don't think about how special this baby is. The other two, including the miscarriage was a planned pregnancy. We have been so blessed to be able to get pregnant just by thinking about it, we have never had to try and I don't take that for granted. I know what a blessing that is for women. This baby was not planned. We knew we wanted another one, we knew we wanted to try in August or September. We already have a December baby and a January baby so we wanted to wait and make sure this baby was after the holidays and after the other two kid's birthdays. But, the Lord decided something different. Obviously I knew there was a chance I could get pregnant on that night of conception and I told my husband it would probably happen and it did. So much for planning! We will have a December baby and two January babies! With the absence of fear, this pregnancy has been so much fun. It hasn't been as hard as the other two, it's been easier. My body hurts and yes I am uncomfortable but I am not anxious, I am not counting down the days. I am truly enjoying every single moment and it makes me sad to think about it being over. Of course I am thrilled about meeting Ezekiel, my baby boy, but I am loving every kick, roll and hiccup that I am feeling right this very moment. My hormones aren't going crazy and I feel good. My mom says sometimes she forgets I am pregnant because I am so different than I used to be. I can think of many reasons why this pregnancy has been so awesome (not that the other two haven't). Our geographic location ( we moved closer to family and Jeremy's job), the people in our lives, the place we are at spiritually and so much more. But I think the biggest thing is how much I have changed. I don't want to live in fear, I refuse to.

That's the key! We have to refuse fear when it comes our way! Watching the news, reading the paper, hearing stories, even reading blogs about tragedies or reading blogs about children born with medical issues, too much of it can bring fear. There is nothing wrong with being aware or helping carry the burdens of others but we have to be careful to not take it on as our own. Yesterday, after hearing about the precious woman who lost her baby, I allowed myself to get carried away. So I had to think through it and realize that yes, this could happen to me. I could also get cancer, die in a car accident or even loose my husband, a child or my mom or dad. It's hard to say those things, it's hard to even think about them. These are the things that no one understands and things that we wish God would not allow. But it happens. And when and if it does, what are we going to believe? I know by now that God will always sit on the throne. I know by now that no matter what happens, He will hold me in the palm of his hands. I know by now that no matter what, I will serve Him. How about you?

This is what I have to do. This is the place I have to go to remind myself that I can't be ruled by fear. Instead I have to enjoy every second and sometimes sit back and soak up all that God has done and is doing in my life and the life of my family. I choose to live my life without fear. It's hard sometimes but I have to refuse it when it comes my way. That's the only way to live, the only way. Otherwise, we are wasting our time and I believe we are wasting God's time. We can't be used if we are trapped in fear. So for all of you pregnant ladies and all my pregnant friends, ENJOY THIS TIME. Sit back, relax and take it all in because God has answered your prayers.

Please be in prayer for D'Ann and Troy, the parents who just lost their unborn baby. They need all of us to hold them up in prayer.

"Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful." John 14:27

"No evil will befall you, nor will any plague come near your tent. For He will give His angels charge concerning you, to guard you in all your ways." Psalm 91:10-11

"For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7

  posted at 11:18 AM

At 10:14 AM, Blogger Paula said...

Great post. You need to go see that movie Facing The Giants. You can't live in fear. It will take away the blessing God has instore.
I will continue to pray for Ezekial and you.

At 11:08 AM, Blogger {Karla} said...

wonderful posts!

I've been in this place often -- where I was faced with something and could choose fear or peace. Sometimes it's easy to choose peace... other times I have to pray deeply about it...

Glad you are enjoying your pregnancy. I loved all of my pregnancies too!


At 11:25 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing this...it touched me deeply.

I would like to email you privately about something regarding this post, will you drop me a line at stacey_chik@yahoo.com

and I will reply with my comment.


At 7:39 PM, Anonymous Wendy said...

I am glad you are enjoying this pregnancy so much. I loved being pregnant too. Praying for all of you!

At 9:57 AM, Blogger Munchkin Land said...

Did you write this for me?! =) It was an excellently written post and I thank you for sharing. I'm reminding myself every day that NOTHING happens outside of God's will; that both I and this baby are in good hands. Thanks for the reminder!

PS My heart goes out to that family. They will be in my prayers!


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