Tuesday, November 14, 2006
I've been choosing anger
Okay this is my second post today but I can't help it, I've got to come clean. So here it goes!
I'm really, really struggling right now. Last week was a very tough week and some of the stuff that went on is spilling over into this week. It's not so much the conflict that was going on, it's the aftermath. I can't shake the anger, I can't shake the hurt, I just can't shake this off. This morning my almost four year old came into my bedroom where I was cleaning and asked me to do something for him. His request irritated me, BIG TIME. It wasn't that I did not want to help him, it was how he asked for help. There is something that really sends me over the edge and sends me there pretty quickly. Whining! I cannot stand it! What mother can? Quickly I reminded him that I could not hear him. "Josiah, I cannot hear your voice when you whine. So change your tone, then ask." For some reason, he could not do it. He was stuck in that mode and could not find his way out. I got down on my knees and looked him straight in the eye. "Josiah, you can do this. Shake it off. Shake that body. Shake that whining off!" It was really kind of cute because when he started to shake all around, he started to laugh. Then I said, "Okay take a big, deep breath. Now let it out." We did this together. "Okay Josiah, ask me now. But remember I need you to ask like a big boy, a four year old, not a baby." And he asked without the whining! He got what he wanted, I felt better and I believe he learned a lesson and I think I did too. Soon after, the Holy Spirit reminded me of some things I need to shake off. There are some things that have really been sticking to me. No doubt, I have been stuck! Like Josiah sometimes falls into that whining mode, I often do the same. For some reason it is easier to be mad, it's easier to want justice to be served, it is easier to burn a bridge than to build one. In fact, I have some friends that have a saying they use often. "Build a bridge and get over it." Well sometimes I don't want to get over it. Sometimes I just want to be mad, complain and cast blame. And that my friends is something I must to shake off!
Anger will keep me out of God's Word. It will keep me from communing with Him and spending time with him. I know that anger does not match up with God's will for my life so while I am in the midst of it, I miss out on many blessings. I know as soon as I drop to my knees or as soon as I open my Bible, the anger will have to be checked at the door. But as I said before, sometimes I just want to be mad and take the anger with me wherever I go. I'd rather fulfill my flesh! This is especially easy to do when I know I haven't done anything wrong. When I know that I am being accused or treated unfairly, I want to lash out. The Lord has given me many tests over the past year. He has allowed me to be in situations where I was falsely accused. Situations where my reputation was on the line and situations where I have been done dirty, really dirty. From false accusations to all of my maternity clothes and crib bedding being thrown in the trash or not returned. And every single time I think I have forgiven, every single time I think I no longer hurt, it comes back. The pain resurfaces, it regenerates, it screams at me to be angry again. Too often I choose to be angry instead of choosing to let it go.
The past month has been a huge struggle for me spiritually. A lot of things have distracted me and I have allowed them to do so. I have not been in the Word like I need to be. I have not been in that attitude of worship and I have no one to blame but myself. Today I got in my Bible and read. The very first thing I read was in Proverbs 14. "A wise woman builds her house; a foolish woman tears hers down with her own hands. " Then in verse eleven it says, "The house of the wicked will perish, but the tent of the godly will flourish." So what am I doing to build my house? Anger and unforgiveness in my heart will eventually cause me to tear my own house down. Not only my physical house that I live in but my temple, my body. Instead of anger, I need peace, a calmness, forbearance. Otherwise, anger will infiltrate through every part of my life. I desire this tent to flourish! It can't when there is anger, it's impossible. I have to shake it off or, my family, myself, my tent will suffer. Anger and unforgiveness can even cause my health to even decline, I loose sleep, I loose everything. All the ground I have gained in this life by overcoming challenges will mean nothing if I let anger poison me. I have to make the choice to not CHOOSE anger.
So there it is, there's my confession. I need your prayers right now. I have been angry and much of the time I have chosen to be angry. The things that happened last week within my family have really hurt me and I am having a very difficult time letting go. Also I am still dealing with some unforgiveness from the church situation we came from. Even though it has now been a year and a half, some things were said and done that still really hurts. I have had a bad attitude about it. I have wanted others to pay for what they have done and I know that type of attitude is not GODLY. While I have grown leaps and bounds and have been able to find a lot of resolve, I am still not where I need to be.
Thank you for your prayers.
I'm really, really struggling right now. Last week was a very tough week and some of the stuff that went on is spilling over into this week. It's not so much the conflict that was going on, it's the aftermath. I can't shake the anger, I can't shake the hurt, I just can't shake this off. This morning my almost four year old came into my bedroom where I was cleaning and asked me to do something for him. His request irritated me, BIG TIME. It wasn't that I did not want to help him, it was how he asked for help. There is something that really sends me over the edge and sends me there pretty quickly. Whining! I cannot stand it! What mother can? Quickly I reminded him that I could not hear him. "Josiah, I cannot hear your voice when you whine. So change your tone, then ask." For some reason, he could not do it. He was stuck in that mode and could not find his way out. I got down on my knees and looked him straight in the eye. "Josiah, you can do this. Shake it off. Shake that body. Shake that whining off!" It was really kind of cute because when he started to shake all around, he started to laugh. Then I said, "Okay take a big, deep breath. Now let it out." We did this together. "Okay Josiah, ask me now. But remember I need you to ask like a big boy, a four year old, not a baby." And he asked without the whining! He got what he wanted, I felt better and I believe he learned a lesson and I think I did too. Soon after, the Holy Spirit reminded me of some things I need to shake off. There are some things that have really been sticking to me. No doubt, I have been stuck! Like Josiah sometimes falls into that whining mode, I often do the same. For some reason it is easier to be mad, it's easier to want justice to be served, it is easier to burn a bridge than to build one. In fact, I have some friends that have a saying they use often. "Build a bridge and get over it." Well sometimes I don't want to get over it. Sometimes I just want to be mad, complain and cast blame. And that my friends is something I must to shake off!
Anger will keep me out of God's Word. It will keep me from communing with Him and spending time with him. I know that anger does not match up with God's will for my life so while I am in the midst of it, I miss out on many blessings. I know as soon as I drop to my knees or as soon as I open my Bible, the anger will have to be checked at the door. But as I said before, sometimes I just want to be mad and take the anger with me wherever I go. I'd rather fulfill my flesh! This is especially easy to do when I know I haven't done anything wrong. When I know that I am being accused or treated unfairly, I want to lash out. The Lord has given me many tests over the past year. He has allowed me to be in situations where I was falsely accused. Situations where my reputation was on the line and situations where I have been done dirty, really dirty. From false accusations to all of my maternity clothes and crib bedding being thrown in the trash or not returned. And every single time I think I have forgiven, every single time I think I no longer hurt, it comes back. The pain resurfaces, it regenerates, it screams at me to be angry again. Too often I choose to be angry instead of choosing to let it go.
The past month has been a huge struggle for me spiritually. A lot of things have distracted me and I have allowed them to do so. I have not been in the Word like I need to be. I have not been in that attitude of worship and I have no one to blame but myself. Today I got in my Bible and read. The very first thing I read was in Proverbs 14. "A wise woman builds her house; a foolish woman tears hers down with her own hands. " Then in verse eleven it says, "The house of the wicked will perish, but the tent of the godly will flourish." So what am I doing to build my house? Anger and unforgiveness in my heart will eventually cause me to tear my own house down. Not only my physical house that I live in but my temple, my body. Instead of anger, I need peace, a calmness, forbearance. Otherwise, anger will infiltrate through every part of my life. I desire this tent to flourish! It can't when there is anger, it's impossible. I have to shake it off or, my family, myself, my tent will suffer. Anger and unforgiveness can even cause my health to even decline, I loose sleep, I loose everything. All the ground I have gained in this life by overcoming challenges will mean nothing if I let anger poison me. I have to make the choice to not CHOOSE anger.
So there it is, there's my confession. I need your prayers right now. I have been angry and much of the time I have chosen to be angry. The things that happened last week within my family have really hurt me and I am having a very difficult time letting go. Also I am still dealing with some unforgiveness from the church situation we came from. Even though it has now been a year and a half, some things were said and done that still really hurts. I have had a bad attitude about it. I have wanted others to pay for what they have done and I know that type of attitude is not GODLY. While I have grown leaps and bounds and have been able to find a lot of resolve, I am still not where I need to be.
Thank you for your prayers.
Lord, the unforgiveness in my life towards those that have hurt me has hit me like a ton of bricks this week. I often think that I have dealt with things when I really haven't. It would be so much easier to be hurt by stangers instead of family members and friends that you love so much. I pray that you will use this pain to remind me of how to treat others. I never want to be someone that someone else is having a hard time forgiving because of pain I have caused. Father, help me to love and to love those that have hurt me. Right now I am having a hard time forgiving and I can't love until I forgive. Thank you for always forgiving me. Thank you for speaking through my Josiah this morning. Help me Lord, help me to truly SHAKE it off! I am tired of the whining my flesh is doing! And Lord please forgive me for the anger I have been choosing to hold onto this week.
8 Comments:
oooh, anger/resentment is a tricky one for me sometimes. There are times I also think, I want to be mad. I want to pout and give myself a pity party. I quickly feel the Lord telling me "No, my child." So I understand a bit. I will pray that it will pass. That somehow you will come to peace with it. What I have learned is that when one hangs onto the anger, we are the only ones who suffer. The other person tends not to care. That just makes me mad too! I often think "WHY DO I CARE SO MUCH??" God made us this way for a reason.
Praying for you, my sweet friend. Tomorrow is a new day!
I went through this too... just couldn't shake the anger... spent seasons in and out of it. Still have to catch myself.
I will be praying for you in this.
Blessings (and hugs)
Karla
I'm right there with you Sister! Hang in there!! I've been learning some valuable lessons in this department this past week and you've played a huge part in these lessons. (Pride, something I just have to learn how to swallow!) =) I'm thinking of you...
Oh Amanda - you have preached a sermon I needed!! I have been convicted this past weekend and on into this week about some anger I thought I didn't hold onto, but apparently did. Paula is SO right in the fact that those we harbor anger at are NOT hurt by it, but rather it tears us down. I thank you for the scripture references - I plan to use them tonight as well as the others I've chosen to face my battle with. It's by far easier to pout and stay angry (sometimes even when you think you aren't) but oh my how it hurts us - and I am not even speaking to you - but about my own experience!!!!!
I love the example you shared - how wonderful was the timing on that lesson?!?!
Prayers and Love!
Mandi, Sometimes it feels good to get angry after all it is an emotion and after I let it out I feel better. I think we have a right to be angry. But...His mercies are new each morning. I would be angry also and sometimes I feel that we have a right to be angry. We don't have to be a pushover just because we are Godly women....and let people take advantage. I think it is ok to be mad/angry sometimes. It is bad to let it stay and ruin our life but for a season, I think it is good. I hate to be Cold, but we need winter for several reasons. May not be very spiritual but I like it.
just checking in... hopefully, you are just busy getting ready for your baking orders???
Hang in there!
Blessings,
Karla
Hi-
It is very late and I was about to get off the computer and go to bed when I felt God tugging at my heart to come by and say hello and let you know I was thinking of you. Praying and just wanting you to know I care! I hope you are doing well and feeling better! Have a blessed holiday!
Post a Comment
<< Home