Wednesday, May 02, 2007
Decieved
This is what happens when you are downstairs watching American Idol with your husband and your two year old is upstairs supposedly watching Cinderella. Yes, I have red sharpie on my flat screen, on the expensive side, monitor and the two year old has red sharpie on her legs, her stomach and I think a few places on her arms. And you ask, "Why would you have sharpies in a place a two year old could find?" Well, if you are NOT asking, my husband did! So you see it goes likes this. The computer is in the game room inside a armoire type of thing that closes and the tv and dvd player that the kids use are top. We use it as a tv stand too!Ava Beth did not open the doors in the past but now she does and she did not ever climb either but now she does. So she opened up the computer desk, climbed on a chair and found a red sharpie that I had hidden behind computer paper! Well, let's just say that Ezekiel's social security card came in the mail soon after he was born and I placed it on top of the computer desk and she found it and colored the entire thing with the same red sharpie! That's why it is hidden! My husband even said, "It sure is quiet up there." I said, "She's fine. She is obsessed with Cinderella right now so I am sure she is just glued to the tv." WRONG!!! And since we do not have extra money right now to spend on computer stuff, I will just have to type and read through the red sharpie. Plus if I did have extra money I would not spend it on a computer screen, I would buy shoes!
The truth is, this new look on my computer screen is just a simple reminder that this is how life is. It's not perfect, far from it. Last night I kept trying to remove the scribbling from the screen with all different kinds of things. The more I tried to remove it, the more frustrated I became. Finally I just decided to read through it, type through it and not let it get to me. However, I can't pretend it's not there. It's way too noticeable. There is no way to clearly view pictures anymore on this screen. With every word that I type, I see red sharpie. I constantly have the urge to try and wipe it off but it's just not possible!
There is a constant struggle I face every single day. The struggle lies within myself and I am constantly dealing with self condemnation. I second guess myself, question myself, doubt myself and sometimes I just plain dislike myself. The more and more I talk with women, the more I realize that this is something we all face. Some are not willing to admit it, some can. But, it's something we all struggle with. Women can be easily deceived and I think Eve in the Garden reminds us of how easily it can happen sometimes. Remember the serpent's question? “Did God really say you must not eat the fruit from any of the trees in the garden?” (Now realize this is my interpretation, this is what the Holy Spirit has revealed to me when I read this passage.) In Genesis chapter 3:6 it says that the woman was convinced. She was convinced that what the serpent was telling her was truth. It wasn't though. Far from it! So in verse 13, God asks Eve why she ate the fruit and she says, "The serpent deceived me. That's why I ate it." We all know what Adam said. He blamed the woman! I will save my interpretation of that for another blog! Anyway, the point is that as a woman I sometimes struggle with being deceived by the things going in in my mind. I struggle to find the TRUTH, instead of what I am hearing from the serpent. That's just an analogy but, for me it really is true.
Spending time with women and learning different personalities, reminds me that we all are so different from one another. Our insecurities are different, our abilities are different, our struggles are different. But one thing is the same no matter who you are, our minds deceive us. With age and growth in the Lord I do believe that it gets better and we learn to be able to discern things and figure out when our minds are going into overdrive. That helps! If we don't get control of what's going on inside our minds, relationships can be ruined, marriages can be difficult and we can become so caught up in what we "think" is going on that we actually create our worst fears.
For example. If you feel like someone doesn't like you, you begin to tell yourself they don't like you, tell others they don't like you and then you begin acting like they don't like you. All of the sudden, the "thought" happens, they really do not like you! People will treat you how you treat yourself and if you act like no one likes you, no one is going to like you. It's pretty simple. I cannot tell you how many times I have struggled with this. Thank you Jesus, I have seen HUGE victory in this area of my life because I recognize the trap and I know what triggers those feelings. But in the past and still every once in a while I will find myself going down that road.
How many times have you been in situations when someone has not responded to you, said hi to you or made conversation with you and later find yourself at home "thinking" all sorts of insane crap? "Well, I don't think she likes me because when I said this, she did not smile. She must think I am bad for saying that." There are so many scenarios I could give. A ton! And if you are spending time with an immature group of women, this will happen a lot between all of them. Yuck, yuck, yuck! I don't like admitting this, but since I share my guts, I have to be honest. Three years ago I was in this type of setting. This was going on so much that I began to HATE group settings. I began to hate spending time with women and it wasn't all their fault by any means. I played a huge role and that's the part I don't like to admit! If only I could have been mature enough, if only those other women could have been mature enough to realize, we are not fighting ONE ANOTHER, this is the enemy. He is relentless and he will do anything and everything to plant seeds of doubt, self condemnation, self hate and all types of insecurities in order to keep you at home, away from Christian women that you need and who also need you!
I can always tell when this type of self condemning spirit is coming my way. See my computer screen? Do you see the red sharpie? That is how I feel! No matter what i do, everything is cloudy and my mind takes me places it should never go. When this happens, I feel like I can't see clearly. My vision is so distorted because I have chosen to listen to the enemy and be deceived. My spiritual eyes are total mush because my mind has been caught up in heavy duty, STINKIN THINKIN!
Your circle of women is the most important circle you have. Yes, your family comes first but I mean your circle of support, encouragement and rest comes from your gal pals! When my girlfriends pour into me, I am on top of the world. Watch out world, I am going to conquer all kinds of things when my friends lift me up! My marriage will be stronger, my parenting will be stronger and I will even like myself better. This is what our friends do! So what would Satan love to do? He would love to come in and plant all kinds of doubt in your mind to keep you from trusting your friends. The enemy is not sneaky to me anymore, I can see him coming a mile away. Sometimes I can see him coming a hundred miles away. Self doubt makes me pull back from friends. Insecurity makes me pull back from friends! Jealousy, envy, you name it, those things keep us from operating in love and we operate in fear instead.
I am thankful for my little Ava Beth coloring my computer screen because it reminds me that I cannot be deceived by what goes on in my mind. When my mind is feeling yucky (and you know what I am talking about ladies), it's time to pray that God can help me see past all the crap in my mind and see the TRUTH.
More than anything, I pray that each of you that read this will begin praying just that. Pray that the Lord can help you find the truth in every situation. Beat the enemy at his game and recognize the signs before your mind goes too far. May we be truth tellers, truth seekers and truth dwellers.
Father, help me dwell in your TRUTH.
Labels: praying for truth, walking in the spirit
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
a new section of my timeline
History was a subject I hated with a passion. Especially when I had to memorize a time line. My teacher would hand out a blank time line where the students had to fill in the blanks. My Senior year in High School was one of those years where I had a History Final Exam I was dreading and as soon as the exam started, I knew why I had been dreading it so much! On my desk, for my final exam was a BLANK time line. Oh how I hated those kids that filled them out within five minutes and got to leave! Not me. I took my time because I did not want to see that horrible time line ever again. I was not about to come back for a re-take! So usually I was the last to leave. In case you are wondering, I did pass the final exam. Not too sure what the final grade was. The only thing I cared about was passing and I did.
I've written about my own time line many times on this blog and on my old blog, Far More Than Rubies. I truly believe with all of my heart that we all have our very own personal time line of our walk with Christ. I can write out my time line pretty well. I can tell you all about it and share with you the key moments in my life when God was working. Mine started at five years old when I accepted Christ as my Savior. Things were happening in my life back then that were painful, it's on my time line. Another major section of my time line was when my grandfather died, it's there too. My Dad becoming an alcoholic, it's there. The horrible, horrible things I experienced as a child, it's ALL there. Then my parents divorce and so on and so on. I have written about those details in previous blogs so I won't do it again today. But something that all of the things on my time line have in common is this. Every single growth spurt I have experienced in the Lord has involved pain. Every one of them! I truly believe with all of my heart that the times we grow the most and the times we truly learn to trust Jesus with our lives is when we are struggling.
Right now I can see my time line clear as day and there is a new section. It says, "Austin". There are some major things I am struggling with right now and I am not sure if I have ever, in my life, wrestled with God this much. Thankfully, I know that it is okay to wrestle. I find comfort in knowing that I am allowed to ask "why?" and I am allowed to wonder "what on earth have we just done?"! I'm allowed to miss my friends and take my time making news ones here. I am allowed to be cautious, I am allowed to set boundaries because right now I am not sure why we are here. Today I don't want to be here. I want to go back to my old house, to my old friends, and I even want Jeremy to have his old job. I want my huge shade tree in my front yard, I want my flagstone patio, I want my Dad a mile away and I want to be able to see my Mom whenever I want to see her and I want to grill out with my in-laws and watch the Maverick's game tonight with my Father-in-law! I want to stay at home during the week and not have any responsibilities except for my family because that's a lot in itself! I don't want to network, I don't want to build relationships, I don't want to plant a church. But thank God, that is my flesh and not my spirit. For I know that the spirit inside of me wants to do the TOTAL opposite of what my flesh wants to do. Hey, at least I have that much figured out! I know that this is a growth spurt. Struggling, wrestling, battling the mind, ALL equals growth spurt.
The Holy Spirit has been reminding me all day long that my flesh is kicking my butt right now. My mind is listening to the flesh way more than to the spirit. But this is where I can change HISTORY! This time in my life does not have to go down as a gut wrenching one. It can go down as a powerful one where I trusted Christ, trusted others, loved others and more. I am reminded of a scripture that I learned back in Sunday School as a little girl. In fact, this is one of the first scriptures Josiah memorized and still quotes when he is afraid to sleep in his own bed. Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I know myself well enough by now to know when I am doing things on my own. If I am not walking in the spirit, I operate in fear and when I operate in fear, I tend to choose FLIGHT in the whole fight or flight scenario. Did I have doubts about our decision last week? No. Do I this week? Yes. Will I act on this and start freaking out? No. Would I have acted on it in the past and freaked out and begged Jeremy to take me back to Dallas? Yes. Thankfully the Lord has been doing a lot of stuff over the past two years that I know there are some things he is wanting me to see through. My flesh is not willing and I don't think it ever will be. Nothing bad has happened, I'm just feeling a little fickle and I know that when I am fickle and I am fearful. The two go hand in hand! I know God has called me to ministry, I know that. I know that I desire to work with women and teach them how to find victory over their past, I know that. Is that going to be here? I don't know and I don't know if that is what I want here or not. I don't know why God has me here. Actually I don't see it at all. I see why my husband is here and for the first time ever I feel like doing nothing but sitting back and letting him take the lead. In fact, that is the only way I am going to do this. I will not do it any other way. When I see him take risks, step out, become vulnerable, I will follow. Right now I just want to follow what God is wanting me to do and I think He is wanting me to serve Jeremy before I serve anyone else. For me, that's the hardest person to serve.
So here I am again. I am at a new place on the time line. The things going on in our world right now will be documented. Every single decision George W. Bush makes will be in the History books. I love him but his stubbornness will be documented and it won't be something people rave about. The same goes for me. I want to "get" what God is trying to teach me. I DO NOT want to re-take the exam!
I'm getting ready to paint our house. I can't stand white walls. First I thought about doing my living room in a slate blue and chocolate brown again. Quickly I changed my mind. I want something new! This house will be different from my old. New colors, new style, new decor and new attitudes. It's a lot of work to paint a house and it's a lot of work to change this person that I am sometimes. But it sure is worth it! For I can do ALL things through CHRIST who strengthens me!
I've written about my own time line many times on this blog and on my old blog, Far More Than Rubies. I truly believe with all of my heart that we all have our very own personal time line of our walk with Christ. I can write out my time line pretty well. I can tell you all about it and share with you the key moments in my life when God was working. Mine started at five years old when I accepted Christ as my Savior. Things were happening in my life back then that were painful, it's on my time line. Another major section of my time line was when my grandfather died, it's there too. My Dad becoming an alcoholic, it's there. The horrible, horrible things I experienced as a child, it's ALL there. Then my parents divorce and so on and so on. I have written about those details in previous blogs so I won't do it again today. But something that all of the things on my time line have in common is this. Every single growth spurt I have experienced in the Lord has involved pain. Every one of them! I truly believe with all of my heart that the times we grow the most and the times we truly learn to trust Jesus with our lives is when we are struggling.
Right now I can see my time line clear as day and there is a new section. It says, "Austin". There are some major things I am struggling with right now and I am not sure if I have ever, in my life, wrestled with God this much. Thankfully, I know that it is okay to wrestle. I find comfort in knowing that I am allowed to ask "why?" and I am allowed to wonder "what on earth have we just done?"! I'm allowed to miss my friends and take my time making news ones here. I am allowed to be cautious, I am allowed to set boundaries because right now I am not sure why we are here. Today I don't want to be here. I want to go back to my old house, to my old friends, and I even want Jeremy to have his old job. I want my huge shade tree in my front yard, I want my flagstone patio, I want my Dad a mile away and I want to be able to see my Mom whenever I want to see her and I want to grill out with my in-laws and watch the Maverick's game tonight with my Father-in-law! I want to stay at home during the week and not have any responsibilities except for my family because that's a lot in itself! I don't want to network, I don't want to build relationships, I don't want to plant a church. But thank God, that is my flesh and not my spirit. For I know that the spirit inside of me wants to do the TOTAL opposite of what my flesh wants to do. Hey, at least I have that much figured out! I know that this is a growth spurt. Struggling, wrestling, battling the mind, ALL equals growth spurt.
The Holy Spirit has been reminding me all day long that my flesh is kicking my butt right now. My mind is listening to the flesh way more than to the spirit. But this is where I can change HISTORY! This time in my life does not have to go down as a gut wrenching one. It can go down as a powerful one where I trusted Christ, trusted others, loved others and more. I am reminded of a scripture that I learned back in Sunday School as a little girl. In fact, this is one of the first scriptures Josiah memorized and still quotes when he is afraid to sleep in his own bed. Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I know myself well enough by now to know when I am doing things on my own. If I am not walking in the spirit, I operate in fear and when I operate in fear, I tend to choose FLIGHT in the whole fight or flight scenario. Did I have doubts about our decision last week? No. Do I this week? Yes. Will I act on this and start freaking out? No. Would I have acted on it in the past and freaked out and begged Jeremy to take me back to Dallas? Yes. Thankfully the Lord has been doing a lot of stuff over the past two years that I know there are some things he is wanting me to see through. My flesh is not willing and I don't think it ever will be. Nothing bad has happened, I'm just feeling a little fickle and I know that when I am fickle and I am fearful. The two go hand in hand! I know God has called me to ministry, I know that. I know that I desire to work with women and teach them how to find victory over their past, I know that. Is that going to be here? I don't know and I don't know if that is what I want here or not. I don't know why God has me here. Actually I don't see it at all. I see why my husband is here and for the first time ever I feel like doing nothing but sitting back and letting him take the lead. In fact, that is the only way I am going to do this. I will not do it any other way. When I see him take risks, step out, become vulnerable, I will follow. Right now I just want to follow what God is wanting me to do and I think He is wanting me to serve Jeremy before I serve anyone else. For me, that's the hardest person to serve.
So here I am again. I am at a new place on the time line. The things going on in our world right now will be documented. Every single decision George W. Bush makes will be in the History books. I love him but his stubbornness will be documented and it won't be something people rave about. The same goes for me. I want to "get" what God is trying to teach me. I DO NOT want to re-take the exam!
I'm getting ready to paint our house. I can't stand white walls. First I thought about doing my living room in a slate blue and chocolate brown again. Quickly I changed my mind. I want something new! This house will be different from my old. New colors, new style, new decor and new attitudes. It's a lot of work to paint a house and it's a lot of work to change this person that I am sometimes. But it sure is worth it! For I can do ALL things through CHRIST who strengthens me!
James 1: 2 Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. 3 For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. 4 So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. 5 If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. 6 But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. 7 Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8 Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do. 9 Believers who are poor have something to boast about, for God has honored them. 10 And those who are rich should boast that God has humbled them. They will fade away like a little flower in the field. 11 The hot sun rises and the grass withers; the little flower droops and falls, and its beauty fades away. In the same way, the rich will fade away with all of their achievements. 12 God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him
Labels: Faith, walking in the spirit
