Thursday, June 14, 2007
I found myself in You
Something happened this morning that gave me a new perspective. It's pretty amazing how magical the moment was. But first let me share this.
Last night before I went to bed I prayed that the Lord would clearly show me whether or not to call my doctor back in Grapevine and ask for a zoloft prescription. Late yesterday afternoon I had pretty much come to the conclusion that I was depressed, maybe delayed post partum or something. In fact, I felt relieved just being able to say that my problem was depression. For me it's always nice to be able to put a name to something. I guess that way I feel like I'm not crazy. Yesterday was a breaking point. Most of the day was spent crying. Thankfully I had friends calling me on the phone trying to help me through it. Two of those friends prayed for me out loud over the phone and I just got down on my knees, put my head on the ottoman and sobbed while they prayed. One of them, that is ten years older than me and who I have known since I was twenty years old, told me that God would heal me. "You don't need medicine this time. God can heal you Mandi." Something about hearing, "Mandi" made me realize that God was truly speaking to me through her. And from that moment on, things began to shift.
My husband arrived home before 6pm and took all of us out to dinner at Chili's. I cannot even begin to express how badly I needed that. It wasn't so much the fact that I did not have to cook, it was just sitting across the table from my boys and Jeremy and having Ava Beth sitting next to me as we had a calm dinner. The kids behaved, we laughed. we connected. It was a moment that I knew God gave to me as a gift.
After we got home, we sat on the couch and watched two episodes of a TV show we have been watching on DVD. The kids behaved, Jeremy and I sat together and we enjoyed the evening. Bedtime wasn't stressful, it was a good evening.
Ezekiel woke up this morning at 1:30am, 3:30am and then again at 5:30am. He usually sleeps all night but the past couple of weeks the teething has interrupted his sleep and my sleep. But when he woke up at 5:30am, I decided to stay awake. Jeremy did not have to leave the house this morning until 6:30am (that's late for him) so I fed Zeke, put him back to bed and cleaned the kitchen, did some laundry and read my Bible. My accountability group is reading Genesis (which I am very excited about) so I started my reading today out on my back porch with a hot cup of coffee. As I sat there reading I was a little distracted by the birds singing. Seriously, there were tons of birds landing on my fence singing. I find that to be kind of strange in a neighborhood of new construction and backyards with no trees, but there were birds everywhere. But through those birds, I knew God was speaking.
There is just something about getting up early before everyone else does to start my day. Instead of the day controlling me, I get to control the day. Just hearing the sound of the dishwasher running, the washer and dryer running and the coffee pot dripping, while everyone else is sleeping makes me feel like I'm doing my job and giving it my all. I think about my old blog, Far More Than Rubies. The Lord gave me that title when I was studying Proverbs 31. I struggle so much to find my worth in this world and I tend to always loose perspective when I forget that the only one that can show me that my worth is far more than rubies is Jesus. He's the only one. I know that we hear and read about the Lady of Virtue a lot. I have read several blogs that are named after a verse in that passage, just like mine was. It's obvious that women are wanting to find their place, find their worth and seek Him in their daily life. I believe that is why we are drawn to that passage in Proverbs 31. I've tried to be that woman many times and I wonder quite often how she found the strength to do all that is written about her. But the biggest thing in that passage that stands out to me is that "She gets up while it is still dark." Something about that early morning hour have her the solitude she needed, the time she needed to refocus and commit that day to the Lord so that she could be the woman God created her to be.
Yesterday I was convinced that what I have been going through was depression. I'm not against medicine, I think it is a great tool in helping with depression. If that is what God wants me to do, I will do it. Jeremy, my husband, does not feel that this is depression. He truly feels that I have been attacked spiritually and that God is trying to press in and show me something. Reading the book of Genesis reminds me that right now I am in the midst of a new beginning. God is creating so many new things in my life right now and it requires me to commune with Him like never before. This morning I felt the cloud lift. I can see, I can talk, I can feel. It's not foggy like it was. The weight has been lifted. And the only thing I did was pray that God would heal my mind and heal my body. I prayed that He would give me a fresh start. He gave me strength this morning to get up and I feel renewed. I truly believe that I serve a God that heals and I am going to pray that He continues to heal me.
Getting up early won't be easy but I know it's what the Lord wants me to do. I've done it before and then having the third baby kind of threw me off, understandably. It's going to take some accountability (okay A.F.??) and discipline but I truly believe that this is how the Lord wants me to start my day. Please pray for me as I make this commitment. Oh and I must say that seeing Jeremy come down the stairs this morning smiling at me for being up early, made my day! I walked him out the door with his waffles and Dr. Pepper. And that was worth all of it!
Because when I seek Him and seek Him with all of my heart, I will find Him. And this morning I was seeking.
(Jeremiah 29:13)
Last night before I went to bed I prayed that the Lord would clearly show me whether or not to call my doctor back in Grapevine and ask for a zoloft prescription. Late yesterday afternoon I had pretty much come to the conclusion that I was depressed, maybe delayed post partum or something. In fact, I felt relieved just being able to say that my problem was depression. For me it's always nice to be able to put a name to something. I guess that way I feel like I'm not crazy. Yesterday was a breaking point. Most of the day was spent crying. Thankfully I had friends calling me on the phone trying to help me through it. Two of those friends prayed for me out loud over the phone and I just got down on my knees, put my head on the ottoman and sobbed while they prayed. One of them, that is ten years older than me and who I have known since I was twenty years old, told me that God would heal me. "You don't need medicine this time. God can heal you Mandi." Something about hearing, "Mandi" made me realize that God was truly speaking to me through her. And from that moment on, things began to shift.
My husband arrived home before 6pm and took all of us out to dinner at Chili's. I cannot even begin to express how badly I needed that. It wasn't so much the fact that I did not have to cook, it was just sitting across the table from my boys and Jeremy and having Ava Beth sitting next to me as we had a calm dinner. The kids behaved, we laughed. we connected. It was a moment that I knew God gave to me as a gift.
After we got home, we sat on the couch and watched two episodes of a TV show we have been watching on DVD. The kids behaved, Jeremy and I sat together and we enjoyed the evening. Bedtime wasn't stressful, it was a good evening.
Ezekiel woke up this morning at 1:30am, 3:30am and then again at 5:30am. He usually sleeps all night but the past couple of weeks the teething has interrupted his sleep and my sleep. But when he woke up at 5:30am, I decided to stay awake. Jeremy did not have to leave the house this morning until 6:30am (that's late for him) so I fed Zeke, put him back to bed and cleaned the kitchen, did some laundry and read my Bible. My accountability group is reading Genesis (which I am very excited about) so I started my reading today out on my back porch with a hot cup of coffee. As I sat there reading I was a little distracted by the birds singing. Seriously, there were tons of birds landing on my fence singing. I find that to be kind of strange in a neighborhood of new construction and backyards with no trees, but there were birds everywhere. But through those birds, I knew God was speaking.
There is just something about getting up early before everyone else does to start my day. Instead of the day controlling me, I get to control the day. Just hearing the sound of the dishwasher running, the washer and dryer running and the coffee pot dripping, while everyone else is sleeping makes me feel like I'm doing my job and giving it my all. I think about my old blog, Far More Than Rubies. The Lord gave me that title when I was studying Proverbs 31. I struggle so much to find my worth in this world and I tend to always loose perspective when I forget that the only one that can show me that my worth is far more than rubies is Jesus. He's the only one. I know that we hear and read about the Lady of Virtue a lot. I have read several blogs that are named after a verse in that passage, just like mine was. It's obvious that women are wanting to find their place, find their worth and seek Him in their daily life. I believe that is why we are drawn to that passage in Proverbs 31. I've tried to be that woman many times and I wonder quite often how she found the strength to do all that is written about her. But the biggest thing in that passage that stands out to me is that "She gets up while it is still dark." Something about that early morning hour have her the solitude she needed, the time she needed to refocus and commit that day to the Lord so that she could be the woman God created her to be.
Yesterday I was convinced that what I have been going through was depression. I'm not against medicine, I think it is a great tool in helping with depression. If that is what God wants me to do, I will do it. Jeremy, my husband, does not feel that this is depression. He truly feels that I have been attacked spiritually and that God is trying to press in and show me something. Reading the book of Genesis reminds me that right now I am in the midst of a new beginning. God is creating so many new things in my life right now and it requires me to commune with Him like never before. This morning I felt the cloud lift. I can see, I can talk, I can feel. It's not foggy like it was. The weight has been lifted. And the only thing I did was pray that God would heal my mind and heal my body. I prayed that He would give me a fresh start. He gave me strength this morning to get up and I feel renewed. I truly believe that I serve a God that heals and I am going to pray that He continues to heal me.
Getting up early won't be easy but I know it's what the Lord wants me to do. I've done it before and then having the third baby kind of threw me off, understandably. It's going to take some accountability (okay A.F.??) and discipline but I truly believe that this is how the Lord wants me to start my day. Please pray for me as I make this commitment. Oh and I must say that seeing Jeremy come down the stairs this morning smiling at me for being up early, made my day! I walked him out the door with his waffles and Dr. Pepper. And that was worth all of it!
Because when I seek Him and seek Him with all of my heart, I will find Him. And this morning I was seeking.
(Jeremiah 29:13)
Labels: prayers answered, praying for truth
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
Decieved
This is what happens when you are downstairs watching American Idol with your husband and your two year old is upstairs supposedly watching Cinderella. Yes, I have red sharpie on my flat screen, on the expensive side, monitor and the two year old has red sharpie on her legs, her stomach and I think a few places on her arms. And you ask, "Why would you have sharpies in a place a two year old could find?" Well, if you are NOT asking, my husband did! So you see it goes likes this. The computer is in the game room inside a armoire type of thing that closes and the tv and dvd player that the kids use are top. We use it as a tv stand too!Ava Beth did not open the doors in the past but now she does and she did not ever climb either but now she does. So she opened up the computer desk, climbed on a chair and found a red sharpie that I had hidden behind computer paper! Well, let's just say that Ezekiel's social security card came in the mail soon after he was born and I placed it on top of the computer desk and she found it and colored the entire thing with the same red sharpie! That's why it is hidden! My husband even said, "It sure is quiet up there." I said, "She's fine. She is obsessed with Cinderella right now so I am sure she is just glued to the tv." WRONG!!! And since we do not have extra money right now to spend on computer stuff, I will just have to type and read through the red sharpie. Plus if I did have extra money I would not spend it on a computer screen, I would buy shoes!
The truth is, this new look on my computer screen is just a simple reminder that this is how life is. It's not perfect, far from it. Last night I kept trying to remove the scribbling from the screen with all different kinds of things. The more I tried to remove it, the more frustrated I became. Finally I just decided to read through it, type through it and not let it get to me. However, I can't pretend it's not there. It's way too noticeable. There is no way to clearly view pictures anymore on this screen. With every word that I type, I see red sharpie. I constantly have the urge to try and wipe it off but it's just not possible!
There is a constant struggle I face every single day. The struggle lies within myself and I am constantly dealing with self condemnation. I second guess myself, question myself, doubt myself and sometimes I just plain dislike myself. The more and more I talk with women, the more I realize that this is something we all face. Some are not willing to admit it, some can. But, it's something we all struggle with. Women can be easily deceived and I think Eve in the Garden reminds us of how easily it can happen sometimes. Remember the serpent's question? “Did God really say you must not eat the fruit from any of the trees in the garden?” (Now realize this is my interpretation, this is what the Holy Spirit has revealed to me when I read this passage.) In Genesis chapter 3:6 it says that the woman was convinced. She was convinced that what the serpent was telling her was truth. It wasn't though. Far from it! So in verse 13, God asks Eve why she ate the fruit and she says, "The serpent deceived me. That's why I ate it." We all know what Adam said. He blamed the woman! I will save my interpretation of that for another blog! Anyway, the point is that as a woman I sometimes struggle with being deceived by the things going in in my mind. I struggle to find the TRUTH, instead of what I am hearing from the serpent. That's just an analogy but, for me it really is true.
Spending time with women and learning different personalities, reminds me that we all are so different from one another. Our insecurities are different, our abilities are different, our struggles are different. But one thing is the same no matter who you are, our minds deceive us. With age and growth in the Lord I do believe that it gets better and we learn to be able to discern things and figure out when our minds are going into overdrive. That helps! If we don't get control of what's going on inside our minds, relationships can be ruined, marriages can be difficult and we can become so caught up in what we "think" is going on that we actually create our worst fears.
For example. If you feel like someone doesn't like you, you begin to tell yourself they don't like you, tell others they don't like you and then you begin acting like they don't like you. All of the sudden, the "thought" happens, they really do not like you! People will treat you how you treat yourself and if you act like no one likes you, no one is going to like you. It's pretty simple. I cannot tell you how many times I have struggled with this. Thank you Jesus, I have seen HUGE victory in this area of my life because I recognize the trap and I know what triggers those feelings. But in the past and still every once in a while I will find myself going down that road.
How many times have you been in situations when someone has not responded to you, said hi to you or made conversation with you and later find yourself at home "thinking" all sorts of insane crap? "Well, I don't think she likes me because when I said this, she did not smile. She must think I am bad for saying that." There are so many scenarios I could give. A ton! And if you are spending time with an immature group of women, this will happen a lot between all of them. Yuck, yuck, yuck! I don't like admitting this, but since I share my guts, I have to be honest. Three years ago I was in this type of setting. This was going on so much that I began to HATE group settings. I began to hate spending time with women and it wasn't all their fault by any means. I played a huge role and that's the part I don't like to admit! If only I could have been mature enough, if only those other women could have been mature enough to realize, we are not fighting ONE ANOTHER, this is the enemy. He is relentless and he will do anything and everything to plant seeds of doubt, self condemnation, self hate and all types of insecurities in order to keep you at home, away from Christian women that you need and who also need you!
I can always tell when this type of self condemning spirit is coming my way. See my computer screen? Do you see the red sharpie? That is how I feel! No matter what i do, everything is cloudy and my mind takes me places it should never go. When this happens, I feel like I can't see clearly. My vision is so distorted because I have chosen to listen to the enemy and be deceived. My spiritual eyes are total mush because my mind has been caught up in heavy duty, STINKIN THINKIN!
Your circle of women is the most important circle you have. Yes, your family comes first but I mean your circle of support, encouragement and rest comes from your gal pals! When my girlfriends pour into me, I am on top of the world. Watch out world, I am going to conquer all kinds of things when my friends lift me up! My marriage will be stronger, my parenting will be stronger and I will even like myself better. This is what our friends do! So what would Satan love to do? He would love to come in and plant all kinds of doubt in your mind to keep you from trusting your friends. The enemy is not sneaky to me anymore, I can see him coming a mile away. Sometimes I can see him coming a hundred miles away. Self doubt makes me pull back from friends. Insecurity makes me pull back from friends! Jealousy, envy, you name it, those things keep us from operating in love and we operate in fear instead.
I am thankful for my little Ava Beth coloring my computer screen because it reminds me that I cannot be deceived by what goes on in my mind. When my mind is feeling yucky (and you know what I am talking about ladies), it's time to pray that God can help me see past all the crap in my mind and see the TRUTH.
More than anything, I pray that each of you that read this will begin praying just that. Pray that the Lord can help you find the truth in every situation. Beat the enemy at his game and recognize the signs before your mind goes too far. May we be truth tellers, truth seekers and truth dwellers.
Father, help me dwell in your TRUTH.
Labels: praying for truth, walking in the spirit
