Thursday, June 14, 2007
I found myself in You
Something happened this morning that gave me a new perspective. It's pretty amazing how magical the moment was. But first let me share this.

Last night before I went to bed I prayed that the Lord would clearly show me whether or not to call my doctor back in Grapevine and ask for a zoloft prescription. Late yesterday afternoon I had pretty much come to the conclusion that I was depressed, maybe delayed post partum or something. In fact, I felt relieved just being able to say that my problem was depression. For me it's always nice to be able to put a name to something. I guess that way I feel like I'm not crazy. Yesterday was a breaking point. Most of the day was spent crying. Thankfully I had friends calling me on the phone trying to help me through it. Two of those friends prayed for me out loud over the phone and I just got down on my knees, put my head on the ottoman and sobbed while they prayed. One of them, that is ten years older than me and who I have known since I was twenty years old, told me that God would heal me. "You don't need medicine this time. God can heal you Mandi." Something about hearing, "Mandi" made me realize that God was truly speaking to me through her. And from that moment on, things began to shift.

My husband arrived home before 6pm and took all of us out to dinner at Chili's. I cannot even begin to express how badly I needed that. It wasn't so much the fact that I did not have to cook, it was just sitting across the table from my boys and Jeremy and having Ava Beth sitting next to me as we had a calm dinner. The kids behaved, we laughed. we connected. It was a moment that I knew God gave to me as a gift.

After we got home, we sat on the couch and watched two episodes of a TV show we have been watching on DVD. The kids behaved, Jeremy and I sat together and we enjoyed the evening. Bedtime wasn't stressful, it was a good evening.

Ezekiel woke up this morning at 1:30am, 3:30am and then again at 5:30am. He usually sleeps all night but the past couple of weeks the teething has interrupted his sleep and my sleep. But when he woke up at 5:30am, I decided to stay awake. Jeremy did not have to leave the house this morning until 6:30am (that's late for him) so I fed Zeke, put him back to bed and cleaned the kitchen, did some laundry and read my Bible. My accountability group is reading Genesis (which I am very excited about) so I started my reading today out on my back porch with a hot cup of coffee. As I sat there reading I was a little distracted by the birds singing. Seriously, there were tons of birds landing on my fence singing. I find that to be kind of strange in a neighborhood of new construction and backyards with no trees, but there were birds everywhere. But through those birds, I knew God was speaking.

There is just something about getting up early before everyone else does to start my day. Instead of the day controlling me, I get to control the day. Just hearing the sound of the dishwasher running, the washer and dryer running and the coffee pot dripping, while everyone else is sleeping makes me feel like I'm doing my job and giving it my all. I think about my old blog, Far More Than Rubies. The Lord gave me that title when I was studying Proverbs 31. I struggle so much to find my worth in this world and I tend to always loose perspective when I forget that the only one that can show me that my worth is far more than rubies is Jesus. He's the only one. I know that we hear and read about the Lady of Virtue a lot. I have read several blogs that are named after a verse in that passage, just like mine was. It's obvious that women are wanting to find their place, find their worth and seek Him in their daily life. I believe that is why we are drawn to that passage in Proverbs 31. I've tried to be that woman many times and I wonder quite often how she found the strength to do all that is written about her. But the biggest thing in that passage that stands out to me is that "She gets up while it is still dark." Something about that early morning hour have her the solitude she needed, the time she needed to refocus and commit that day to the Lord so that she could be the woman God created her to be.

Yesterday I was convinced that what I have been going through was depression. I'm not against medicine, I think it is a great tool in helping with depression. If that is what God wants me to do, I will do it. Jeremy, my husband, does not feel that this is depression. He truly feels that I have been attacked spiritually and that God is trying to press in and show me something. Reading the book of Genesis reminds me that right now I am in the midst of a new beginning. God is creating so many new things in my life right now and it requires me to commune with Him like never before. This morning I felt the cloud lift. I can see, I can talk, I can feel. It's not foggy like it was. The weight has been lifted. And the only thing I did was pray that God would heal my mind and heal my body. I prayed that He would give me a fresh start. He gave me strength this morning to get up and I feel renewed. I truly believe that I serve a God that heals and I am going to pray that He continues to heal me.

Getting up early won't be easy but I know it's what the Lord wants me to do. I've done it before and then having the third baby kind of threw me off, understandably. It's going to take some accountability (okay A.F.??) and discipline but I truly believe that this is how the Lord wants me to start my day. Please pray for me as I make this commitment. Oh and I must say that seeing Jeremy come down the stairs this morning smiling at me for being up early, made my day! I walked him out the door with his waffles and Dr. Pepper. And that was worth all of it!

Because when I seek Him and seek Him with all of my heart, I will find Him. And this morning I was seeking.
(Jeremiah 29:13)

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  posted at 8:11 AM

At 6:22 AM, Blogger Marc and Charity said...

Hi, I'm de-lurking here. I've read your blog for a while, but was always scared to comment. It's strange to me to write when I don't even know you! Anyway, I just wanted to say that I think you are really growing and being stretched. I've experienced a lot of things you have written since you moved to Austin. We are from Carrollton TX but are living overseas now. Our first 3 yrs. were so hard and such a struggle for me, but I learned so much. Being out of your comfort zone, heck, even Dallas! will cause you to see many things and realize there is so much more to life. Anyway, be encouraged today. Your God sees you and knows your struggles. I know you know all of this, but I just wanted to say it anyway.


PS- I'm currently also trying to get up early before my girls (2.5 yrs. and 12 months old) and feel so much better when I do, but it's a constant struggle for me. Thanks for being real.

At 6:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Amanda, it's good to hear you are feeling better! I used to get up early (5:30) every morning and spend and hour or more on praying and reading my Bible, but for the last few months I have slacked from that and especially the last couple of months it's almost impossible to get me out of bed before 8 or 8:30. That is so not like me!

Just like you I have felt the call to begin getting up early again. This has been going on for about two weeks and I've tried a couple of times but have failed most of the time! Today was 8:15. I need to get back to spending time in the word, I used to love my early time with God so much.

I will be praying for you to be able to stay committed to getting up early. Can you pray for me for the same? Maybe we can hold each other accountable..... :)


At 8:33 AM, Blogger V. said...



At 9:30 AM, Blogger Wendy said...

This made me cry. I love the verse you shared at the end. I have been praying for you, friend. Wish we lived closer.

At 11:49 AM, Blogger Munchkin Land said...

Oh Amanda! Thank you! Thank you! I think this is exactly what I've been looking for and I think I'm going to join you in this endeavor. I'm already anticipating the things God is going to teach me when I arise early and spend my mornings with Him. I can't wait...

Want to hold me accountable?! Thanks again!

At 12:08 PM, Blogger Gina said...

I'm so proud of you and this is such encouragement for me in regards to the "power of prayer". I've been praying for you and for our friendship! I am REALLY seeing how God is working in my life and those around me...
I love you! :o)

At 1:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh mandi, You have no idea how much i needed this post, and this feeling of knowing that I am not the only one. I truly felt like I needed to up my meds. I was drowning way down deep into that pit again. You could probably tell when I called you the other night...i mean I was blowing everything out of proportion. Finding yourself is so hard to do, when you are a mommy. For so long, i thought that was my one and only attribute, however, it is soo much more clearer now that what I have been going through emotionally and mentally these past couple of weeks is God making me seek him. Thank you so much for your inspriration. You know that you will always be my guide to mommy-hood. "I need to call and ask Mandi", is always in the back of my head. You truly are a fantabulous mommy! I mean , 3 kids and a stay at home mom. I am in awe of you! I love you to pieces, and I am sooo coming to see you! Mark my words!


At 2:54 PM, Blogger Amanda said...

Thank you. All of you! Thank you so much.


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Location: Austin, Texas

Mommy, Mama, Mandi, Amanda, Babe and whatever else you want to call me! How do I have time to blog with three kids under the age of four? I'm up until midnight and usually later!

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