Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Just a note
In case my slide show below makes you think my life is perfect and happy all the time, let me share the TRUTH.

I'm in a funk. A big one. I am pretty sure that the pain in my chest and the lump in my throat that I struggled with back in February was stress, just like the doctor told me in the emergency room. After running every test in the book, I am told that I am healthy but depressed and stressed. I never understood that because I did not feel depressed but apparently my body thought otherwise. Now I KNOW the doctor was right because my chest has pain again and my throat constantly has a lump in the back where it feels like I am going to cry at any moment.

But this time it's different. My mind is so clouded right now that I can't even answer simple questions about how I'm feeling. My very good friend, Tiffany, tried to get to the bottom of it this morning and for the first time ever in my life, I could not even find the words to explain.

The date night? Well, you see happy pictures from the date night in the slide show. Those pictures were truly happy moments but it ended on a very sour note. I was sharing a dream of mine with my husband while we sat in the Irish Pub on 6th street in Austin. But what he said after I finished totally crushed me. It killed me! In fact, I cried right then and cried the whole way home and most of the night because I couldn't sleep. Our husbands can say something to make us melt or they can say something to make us fall to our knees in pain. The thing he said to me that night was pretty rough.

This depression I am experiencing is not one where my kids aren't safe or anything like that. And it has nothing to do with me not being safe either. But it is something where I am crying a lot and feeling very alone. I'm sure many moms and wives have gotten to this place, I know they have. I just never thought I would end up there too. Being a wife and a mom is my career. It's everything! So what happens when you feel totally tapped out? Even the reserves are empty! How do I get out of this depression and start enjoying puzzles, coloring, playing? How to I get control of my schedule, my house and my attitude towards my husband? I'm praying and reading God's word but I have hit a wall and feel like I can't go any further.

If those of you that are reading this could pray for me, that would be great. It took a lot for me to put this out there. I do have some pride issues going on. Yes, I am pretty open and honest about my life on here but I would ask you to not type a comment out of haste. Respect the fact that I am just needing someone to fill my tank a little and someone that can say, "You are normal. Give yourself a break." Not quite sure I can handle tough love right now or as my husband likes to say, "You need to buckle down and do what you gotta do." Nope, that doesn't help!

But I did feel like I needed to be honest and not let those pictures deceive any of you that may be struggling. We have happy times but also tough ones too.


  posted at 2:19 PM

At 12:44 PM, Anonymous Kelly Ann said...

Sweet Friend! Know that you are not alone! You ARE normal...and thank you for being honest about where you are at right now. Know that I love you and that I am praying for you.

I love & miss you TONS!!
Kelly Ann

At 1:06 PM, Blogger Amy said...

I've been there...a lot. Thank you for sharing and making us all feel more normal. Saying a prayer for you...


At 1:18 PM, Blogger Brenda said...

(((hugs)))YOU are completely normal, Girl! I love your guts (can I say that?!) I love the photos and I love your note of truth!! You are a FUN and normal girl! :)

Father God, thank You for Amanda and her faith in You. Thank You for her being willing to be used by You and be so honest on her blog. Hold her close to You and fill her to overflowing w/ Your love, hope, peace, and joy. Renew her within and clear her mind... help her to focus on You. Thank You, Lord, that You are w/ her now and that You are carrying her through. In Jesus' name, Amen

At 1:46 PM, Blogger Kili @ Live Each Moment said...

I've been there....although right now mine is the ups and downs of pregnancy hormones I'm trying to lasso into control!

At 5:35 PM, Anonymous Tiffany said...

I love you, Amanda.

Your honesty ALWAYS helps me and I KNOW that it helps others to not feel alone.

You expressed yourself perfectly today...your heart said it all.

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express." (Romans 8:26)

I love you, friend...
Tiff ;)

At 6:01 PM, Blogger V. said...

Oh sweetie,

Just be who you CAN be, IN THIS MOMENT. Not the person you think you should. Not the person you wish you were. Just be what you CAN be right now and God will use you there, he will replenish you there, he will sanctify you THERE.
Love and hugs,


At 6:18 PM, Blogger Kelly said...

You are totally normal! being a mom is SO HARD!!! It is wonderful, of course, but that doesn't mean it doesn't also leave you feeling drained and exhausted and alone and overwhelmed. You are so brave to voice your true feelings and not hide behind that perfect mommy mask we so desperately try to keep on...I am praying that you will feel moments of joy and peace that will lift you up and carry you through these really hard days.
It does get easier as they are more independent and you start to feel more like yourself again. You are normal even if noone else is honest... they are feeling the same things you are!

Keep your focus on God and He will pull you through.

At 7:01 PM, Anonymous janna said...

sending love and prayers your way. amanda, you are a really great mom, wife, and friend. i am so proud of who you are and what you've become. cut yourself some slack if you can and call me if you can't. :)

At 7:35 PM, Blogger Liz said...

I am praying for you tonight. I have been there before...felt so alone and empty and feeling like every one has taken all, and nothing is left to give. My heart goes out to you. Thank you again for your honesty...it takes courage to lay your heart on the line. Please know though that you are so normal. Being a mom and a wife is hard.

You are doing everything right. Keep your eyes above...I love how when we feel unable stand anymore He can pick us up and set us on our feet again.(Ezekiel 2:1-2)

I am praying!
A sister in Christ,

At 3:11 AM, Blogger Christina said...

I will echo all the other comments and say that YOU ARE SOOOO NORMAL! Being a mom is so hard. You will get out of this funk, promise.

I always tell people....Before I had kids I was the perfect mom. LOL It's so true.


At 7:20 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks for being honest ;o))
looks like many have said it - but I will too - you are not alone - There is no perfect marriage.....

At 10:07 AM, Blogger Wendy said...

Praying for you here too. I've been there too. I like what Christina said, "before I had kids I was the perfect mom", so true. So thankful that God gives us grace and His mercies are new each day.

Tomorrow is a new day!

At 12:01 PM, Blogger Munchkin Land said...

Oh man... I can totally relate to this post. (See my most recent entry.) Agh! Please know that I'm praying for you.

I'd so send you for a beauty day, while watching the kids if I could!! =)

At 12:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Amanda-
I love your realness in your post and I would like to share something with you. I do struggle with getting into a funk and for me it comes at a certain time of the year but I just wanted to throw this out on the table an you can do with it what you want... Could it be that your life has been such a whirlwind since Ezekial's birth that you you are now just kinda coming down from it? Usually the baby blues have already come and gone, but you haven't had alot of time to decompress. Sometimes its okay to say "yup, this is where I'm at, I need prayer" and let it be.
praying for you and I know God will carry you through-


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Mommy, Mama, Mandi, Amanda, Babe and whatever else you want to call me! How do I have time to blog with three kids under the age of four? I'm up until midnight and usually later!

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