Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Just a note
In case my slide show below makes you think my life is perfect and happy all the time, let me share the TRUTH.
I'm in a funk. A big one. I am pretty sure that the pain in my chest and the lump in my throat that I struggled with back in February was stress, just like the doctor told me in the emergency room. After running every test in the book, I am told that I am healthy but depressed and stressed. I never understood that because I did not feel depressed but apparently my body thought otherwise. Now I KNOW the doctor was right because my chest has pain again and my throat constantly has a lump in the back where it feels like I am going to cry at any moment.
But this time it's different. My mind is so clouded right now that I can't even answer simple questions about how I'm feeling. My very good friend, Tiffany, tried to get to the bottom of it this morning and for the first time ever in my life, I could not even find the words to explain.
The date night? Well, you see happy pictures from the date night in the slide show. Those pictures were truly happy moments but it ended on a very sour note. I was sharing a dream of mine with my husband while we sat in the Irish Pub on 6th street in Austin. But what he said after I finished totally crushed me. It killed me! In fact, I cried right then and cried the whole way home and most of the night because I couldn't sleep. Our husbands can say something to make us melt or they can say something to make us fall to our knees in pain. The thing he said to me that night was pretty rough.
This depression I am experiencing is not one where my kids aren't safe or anything like that. And it has nothing to do with me not being safe either. But it is something where I am crying a lot and feeling very alone. I'm sure many moms and wives have gotten to this place, I know they have. I just never thought I would end up there too. Being a wife and a mom is my career. It's everything! So what happens when you feel totally tapped out? Even the reserves are empty! How do I get out of this depression and start enjoying puzzles, coloring, playing? How to I get control of my schedule, my house and my attitude towards my husband? I'm praying and reading God's word but I have hit a wall and feel like I can't go any further.
If those of you that are reading this could pray for me, that would be great. It took a lot for me to put this out there. I do have some pride issues going on. Yes, I am pretty open and honest about my life on here but I would ask you to not type a comment out of haste. Respect the fact that I am just needing someone to fill my tank a little and someone that can say, "You are normal. Give yourself a break." Not quite sure I can handle tough love right now or as my husband likes to say, "You need to buckle down and do what you gotta do." Nope, that doesn't help!
But I did feel like I needed to be honest and not let those pictures deceive any of you that may be struggling. We have happy times but also tough ones too.
I'm in a funk. A big one. I am pretty sure that the pain in my chest and the lump in my throat that I struggled with back in February was stress, just like the doctor told me in the emergency room. After running every test in the book, I am told that I am healthy but depressed and stressed. I never understood that because I did not feel depressed but apparently my body thought otherwise. Now I KNOW the doctor was right because my chest has pain again and my throat constantly has a lump in the back where it feels like I am going to cry at any moment.
But this time it's different. My mind is so clouded right now that I can't even answer simple questions about how I'm feeling. My very good friend, Tiffany, tried to get to the bottom of it this morning and for the first time ever in my life, I could not even find the words to explain.
The date night? Well, you see happy pictures from the date night in the slide show. Those pictures were truly happy moments but it ended on a very sour note. I was sharing a dream of mine with my husband while we sat in the Irish Pub on 6th street in Austin. But what he said after I finished totally crushed me. It killed me! In fact, I cried right then and cried the whole way home and most of the night because I couldn't sleep. Our husbands can say something to make us melt or they can say something to make us fall to our knees in pain. The thing he said to me that night was pretty rough.
This depression I am experiencing is not one where my kids aren't safe or anything like that. And it has nothing to do with me not being safe either. But it is something where I am crying a lot and feeling very alone. I'm sure many moms and wives have gotten to this place, I know they have. I just never thought I would end up there too. Being a wife and a mom is my career. It's everything! So what happens when you feel totally tapped out? Even the reserves are empty! How do I get out of this depression and start enjoying puzzles, coloring, playing? How to I get control of my schedule, my house and my attitude towards my husband? I'm praying and reading God's word but I have hit a wall and feel like I can't go any further.
If those of you that are reading this could pray for me, that would be great. It took a lot for me to put this out there. I do have some pride issues going on. Yes, I am pretty open and honest about my life on here but I would ask you to not type a comment out of haste. Respect the fact that I am just needing someone to fill my tank a little and someone that can say, "You are normal. Give yourself a break." Not quite sure I can handle tough love right now or as my husband likes to say, "You need to buckle down and do what you gotta do." Nope, that doesn't help!
But I did feel like I needed to be honest and not let those pictures deceive any of you that may be struggling. We have happy times but also tough ones too.
Labels: tough times
