I remember being five years old at a slumber party once and having this sick feeling in my gut and lump in my throat. The feeling of homesickness is like no other. It's a feeling that overtakes you, especially when you are five years old and you want to go home to Mom and Dad. Unfortunately I was one of those children that never seem to get past that feeling. Just about every single time I went to a friend's house to spend the night, I called my Dad and asked him to come get me. He never made me stick it out, he always came and got me. He always picked me up. Always.

I often struggle with things being stable. I fight it. That's why moving and making huge life changes are not too hard for me but sustaining those things can be quite a challenge. Thank God for Jeremy, my stable, steady Eddie husband! Today I have had to deal with some challenges. I knew it was coming but I did not expect it to come so fast. I felt homesick. My eyes are swollen from crying and I am trying to figure out what the heck we have just done! Despite my emotions, I still believe this is exactly where God wants us to be. I do not doubt that, I do not wish to go back. I know by now that my emotions will not help keep commitments, they will do the opposite. I also know that I will have more days like this but I will also have great ones. The truth is, I miss my Dad a lot. I am homesick for him. When I was a kid staying the night away, I always missed Daddy. It wasn't anything against my Mom, it was just a little girl craving her Daddy's arms. I have always worried about him and even though I no longer have to, I still do. I don't want him to be lonely, I don't want him to be sad. We have been through a lot together and experienced huge victory in our relationship over the last two years. I liked having him only a mile away from my house. Now, I am three hours away. For the first time in my marriage, it is truly just me and Jeremy. This is a great thing, I know. But it is also hard at the same time.

My emotions are pretty raw today. I miss everything about where I was, I miss being comfortable. Now I have to step out, be challenged, build relationships and I am just not sure how that's all going to work. I am worn out from three kids. Having a four year old, two year old and three month old is the hardest thing in the entire world. Today I have felt like that little girl at the slumber party crying to go home. I can't explain it, it's just hitting me that we have MOVED. I can't believe it! One of my best friends told me something that I have thought a lot about today. Let me try and quote her because it's good stuff. "This is your Egypt Amanda and your leaving it. You are headed for the promise land." And I agree.

Everything I am feeling today is a part of that raging, flooded Jordan river. My feet have physically stepped in that water and now it's time for my heart to do the same. Once I do, the raging waters will stop and I will truly be free to cross over.

I continue to pray that God will help me truly "get" here. It's only been a week and I have already been so blessed by new friendships and I know there are more to come. But it's been a hard day. That's it, just a hard day. And the fact that I know it's just a hard day and I am not questioning our decision, lets me know I am in the center of God's will. I have peace even in the midst of raw emotion, I have peace and no doubts.

Yes, I am homesick but I know my Heavenly FATHER will pick me up. He won't make me stick it out. He will pick me up. He always has, He always will. Always.

This really ministered to me today and I love this version.

Romans 8:15-17 (The Message) This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?" God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children. And we know we are going to get what's coming to us—an unbelievable inheritance! We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with him, then we're certainly going to go through the good times with him!

Labels: sharing my guts