Monday, May 07, 2007
Take me higher
Well, I am sitting here with a hot cup of coffee, listening to Lincoln Brewster and enjoying my last day of freedom. The kids have been with grandparents since Friday morning. We are leaving for Dallas tonight, actually Fort Worth this time, to go get the kids from Mom's house. While I have enjoyed a nice break, I miss them terribly.
The silence has been too weird. But I must admit that watching two movies in a row with my husband yesterday was very nice. We only hit pause once when the phone rang. If the kids were here, I don't think we would be watching one movie and two would be impossible! Yesterday I slept until 10am and today I slept until 9am. I would have slept longer but my husband called to tell me something and woke me up. He laughs at me because he knows how much I love to sleep and he is never able to sleep until 10am or 9am or even 8am. Since we have been married, there has never been a time we did not go to bed together. We always go to bed together and Jeremy told me early on in our marriage that he did not want that to change. So what I do is go to bed with him, watch TV until he goes to sleep and then I get up and blog or watch my tivoed shows. Seriously, that's what I do! Sometimes he will wake up and holler, "Babe. Come to bed!" Anyway, you get the point. We are so different when it comes to sleeping!
This morning I woke up missing Ava Beth crawling up in bed with me and snuggling. When she gets in bed with me, she has to be touching me. Sometimes she will go back to sleep but usually she starts talking. She's always talking. "Mama, I wuv you." Or "Mama, wake up. I want strawbey milk." Other times I have opened my eyes to see her laying next to me, staring into my eyes. I love that! When Josiah wakes up, he skips the mushy stuff. He usually did what Ava Beth does but not so much anymore. In fact, since we have moved to this house, he's grown up a lot. Instead of crawling in bed with me, he opens the door and says, "Mommy, let's go downstairs and have breakfast." And the day has officially begun when Zeke wakes up! Oh and he is just precious in the morning. He wakes up smiling and laughing and he curls up like a little ball in my arms. Just thinking about it makes me miss them soooooooooo much! It's nice to get time away because it makes you realize what blessings those little ones are! Time away is so bitter-sweet. Needed but hard at the same time.
Okay so I know everyone is probably tired of hearing it but please say a prayer for me as we travel back to the Metroplex. Right now I don't feel ready to travel to that area. Luckily we are not going to be close to our house, which is not on the market yet, and that's good because I couldn't handle it. I wasn't sure whether or not I wanted to talk about all of this but I have found that I find freedom in putting my pride to the side and sharing the real stuff. So here goes some of it.
We have our Bankruptcy meeting tomorrow with the Trustees and our attorney. It will only take about twenty minutes but thinking about it is really hard right now. For some reason I am really struggling with knowing that we are about to truly have our name with an big X over it when it comes to credit reports. When we bought our last house (which was too much), our credit was perfect. Seriously, it was perfect. Our interest rate was incredible but we went over our heads. Also, we are about to turn in a way too expensive SUV that we just can't pay for anymore. We could try to keep it but, it would be stupid. I am fighting that flesh so bad right now. I want the mini-van or the SUV or the Mommy car so bad. But cars are really not that important! (Thank you Ruth for your talk with me.) I am about to be without a vehicle until we save up enough money to do something. We can't get anything until the bankruptcy is discharged in July or August. In the mean time, Jeremy has thought about me just driving his truck (it's a four door) and him buying a cheap clunker for $1000. And there is NOTHING wrong with that. We are really hoping the house will not be foreclosed and that we are able to do a "quick sale" which is a little better than foreclosure. But we will not know what we are allowed to do until tomorrow. Even if we would have stayed in Dallas and Jeremy would have kept his job, we still would have been housebroke and there is NOTHING worse than being housebroke.
So here we are in Austin, living a brand new home that has never been lived in. It's bigger, it's nicer, it's twenty years newer and it's $500.00 cheaper a month!! AND the investor that owns it has said I can paint! Well, that's what I am going to do! We have a beautiful backyard, a huge covered patio, a game room, an awesome kitchen with appliances that usually come in a custom home and so much more. But for some stupid reason, I miss my house in Dallas! I think part of the problem I am having with adjusting is the fact that there is so much unresolved stuff back home. I feel like I have one foot there and one foot here and that is not very comfortable!
Since we have moved here, I have called my pastor/friend (Kyle) a few times for some reassurance. I really take comfort in what he tells me because he KNOWS me. He knows my personality, he knows my struggles and he knows my strengths. I also know that he prays for me so his words help me a lot. When I see God working in his life, it reminds me that God is working in my own. It's funny because I thought about calling Kyle today and asking for him to pray about this trip to the bankruptcy meeting and to pray about this horrible feeling of defeat I feel. But, I have a feeling he already has been praying for us. Anyway, Kyle reminds me of why we are here and it gets me excited to get through this crap and actually PLANT my freakin' feet here! I want to so bad!
This morning has been awesome. I have been worshipping so much. I have raised my hands, sang to the top of my lungs and cried a lot. The tears have not been because of sadness but excitement from knowing that I serve such an incredible God. I love him so much and I know He is doing so much right now that all I can do is worship Him. I have been singing all morning "Take Me Higher" by Lincoln Brewster. The song is very symbolic to me because the very first time I sang it was at my old church, Kyle was the Executive Pastor there. It was one of my favorite songs to sing and I specifically remember practicing it in the car one day before church and asking God to truly take me higher than I had ever been before. I can't help but think that God was preparing us then to be with Kyle and Erika. It is so amazing how God works. So look around at what's going on in your life today and thank Him for it because you have no idea how it may connect later on down the road.
So much going on but so much to be thankful for and so much to be excited about! God is working in my life and as He presses in, I KNOW he is creating SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL! I am learning that the beautiful part DOES NOT come from fancy highlights in my hair, trendy clothes and shoes, accessories and a nice "Mommy of three vehicle" but it truly comes from what God has changed. This is a tough place to get to and a tough place to be at but I know that I know that I know that I don't want to go back.
I could not find Take Me Higher on MySpace but I found one of the best Lincoln Brewster songs ever! Go here and listen to it.
The silence has been too weird. But I must admit that watching two movies in a row with my husband yesterday was very nice. We only hit pause once when the phone rang. If the kids were here, I don't think we would be watching one movie and two would be impossible! Yesterday I slept until 10am and today I slept until 9am. I would have slept longer but my husband called to tell me something and woke me up. He laughs at me because he knows how much I love to sleep and he is never able to sleep until 10am or 9am or even 8am. Since we have been married, there has never been a time we did not go to bed together. We always go to bed together and Jeremy told me early on in our marriage that he did not want that to change. So what I do is go to bed with him, watch TV until he goes to sleep and then I get up and blog or watch my tivoed shows. Seriously, that's what I do! Sometimes he will wake up and holler, "Babe. Come to bed!" Anyway, you get the point. We are so different when it comes to sleeping!
This morning I woke up missing Ava Beth crawling up in bed with me and snuggling. When she gets in bed with me, she has to be touching me. Sometimes she will go back to sleep but usually she starts talking. She's always talking. "Mama, I wuv you." Or "Mama, wake up. I want strawbey milk." Other times I have opened my eyes to see her laying next to me, staring into my eyes. I love that! When Josiah wakes up, he skips the mushy stuff. He usually did what Ava Beth does but not so much anymore. In fact, since we have moved to this house, he's grown up a lot. Instead of crawling in bed with me, he opens the door and says, "Mommy, let's go downstairs and have breakfast." And the day has officially begun when Zeke wakes up! Oh and he is just precious in the morning. He wakes up smiling and laughing and he curls up like a little ball in my arms. Just thinking about it makes me miss them soooooooooo much! It's nice to get time away because it makes you realize what blessings those little ones are! Time away is so bitter-sweet. Needed but hard at the same time.
Okay so I know everyone is probably tired of hearing it but please say a prayer for me as we travel back to the Metroplex. Right now I don't feel ready to travel to that area. Luckily we are not going to be close to our house, which is not on the market yet, and that's good because I couldn't handle it. I wasn't sure whether or not I wanted to talk about all of this but I have found that I find freedom in putting my pride to the side and sharing the real stuff. So here goes some of it.
We have our Bankruptcy meeting tomorrow with the Trustees and our attorney. It will only take about twenty minutes but thinking about it is really hard right now. For some reason I am really struggling with knowing that we are about to truly have our name with an big X over it when it comes to credit reports. When we bought our last house (which was too much), our credit was perfect. Seriously, it was perfect. Our interest rate was incredible but we went over our heads. Also, we are about to turn in a way too expensive SUV that we just can't pay for anymore. We could try to keep it but, it would be stupid. I am fighting that flesh so bad right now. I want the mini-van or the SUV or the Mommy car so bad. But cars are really not that important! (Thank you Ruth for your talk with me.) I am about to be without a vehicle until we save up enough money to do something. We can't get anything until the bankruptcy is discharged in July or August. In the mean time, Jeremy has thought about me just driving his truck (it's a four door) and him buying a cheap clunker for $1000. And there is NOTHING wrong with that. We are really hoping the house will not be foreclosed and that we are able to do a "quick sale" which is a little better than foreclosure. But we will not know what we are allowed to do until tomorrow. Even if we would have stayed in Dallas and Jeremy would have kept his job, we still would have been housebroke and there is NOTHING worse than being housebroke.
So here we are in Austin, living a brand new home that has never been lived in. It's bigger, it's nicer, it's twenty years newer and it's $500.00 cheaper a month!! AND the investor that owns it has said I can paint! Well, that's what I am going to do! We have a beautiful backyard, a huge covered patio, a game room, an awesome kitchen with appliances that usually come in a custom home and so much more. But for some stupid reason, I miss my house in Dallas! I think part of the problem I am having with adjusting is the fact that there is so much unresolved stuff back home. I feel like I have one foot there and one foot here and that is not very comfortable!
Since we have moved here, I have called my pastor/friend (Kyle) a few times for some reassurance. I really take comfort in what he tells me because he KNOWS me. He knows my personality, he knows my struggles and he knows my strengths. I also know that he prays for me so his words help me a lot. When I see God working in his life, it reminds me that God is working in my own. It's funny because I thought about calling Kyle today and asking for him to pray about this trip to the bankruptcy meeting and to pray about this horrible feeling of defeat I feel. But, I have a feeling he already has been praying for us. Anyway, Kyle reminds me of why we are here and it gets me excited to get through this crap and actually PLANT my freakin' feet here! I want to so bad!
This morning has been awesome. I have been worshipping so much. I have raised my hands, sang to the top of my lungs and cried a lot. The tears have not been because of sadness but excitement from knowing that I serve such an incredible God. I love him so much and I know He is doing so much right now that all I can do is worship Him. I have been singing all morning "Take Me Higher" by Lincoln Brewster. The song is very symbolic to me because the very first time I sang it was at my old church, Kyle was the Executive Pastor there. It was one of my favorite songs to sing and I specifically remember practicing it in the car one day before church and asking God to truly take me higher than I had ever been before. I can't help but think that God was preparing us then to be with Kyle and Erika. It is so amazing how God works. So look around at what's going on in your life today and thank Him for it because you have no idea how it may connect later on down the road.
So much going on but so much to be thankful for and so much to be excited about! God is working in my life and as He presses in, I KNOW he is creating SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL! I am learning that the beautiful part DOES NOT come from fancy highlights in my hair, trendy clothes and shoes, accessories and a nice "Mommy of three vehicle" but it truly comes from what God has changed. This is a tough place to get to and a tough place to be at but I know that I know that I know that I don't want to go back.
Take not Your Spirit from me
Lord lead me to Your peace
For my one desire is to be with You
Come cleanse my life and make me pure
Won't you wrap me up in Your arms and
CHORUS
Take me higher and draw me closer
And pull me deeper than I've ever been
Hide not Your face from me
Lord set my spirit free
FOr my one desire is to be with You
Come cleanse my life and make me pure
Won't You wrap me up in Your arms and
(Repeat chorus 2 times)
BRIDGE
Take me higher
Won't You draw me closer
Tkae me higher than I've ever been
Next to You is where I wanna be
Take me higher than I've ever been
Take not your Spirit from me
Take me
Take me higher than I've ever been before
(Repeat chorus 2 times)
I could not find Take Me Higher on MySpace but I found one of the best Lincoln Brewster songs ever! Go here and listen to it.
Labels: dying to self, Living for his glory
I Live For Your Glory
Tonight I have been trying to spend some time in worship. There is nothing sweeter for me than to worship Jesus, my Savior, through music. I have posted a song that means so much to me. This song is special for so many reasons and when I sing it, God knows why. He knows what was going on in my life the very first time I heard it and he knows what was going on in my life when I first sang it.
I don't want to say that I am hurting but I am really, really struggling internally with all the change taking place in my life. Today I had the opportunity to talk about it with my husband. As we walked the aisles of WalMart, we talked. We were in the dairy section when Jeremy voiced out loud what he was seeing in me. He said everything I was feeling. I knew that Jeremy had been talking to God about me and that brought comfort. There is no one better to pray for me than my husband. I know his prayers have fire behind them! I have a lot of fear right now and I am trying to figure out how to work through it and truly let go.
When Jeremy and I were dating, His relationship with God was such an encouragement to me. I had been saved a long time but Jeremy had been saved for only a year when I met him. His passion for the Lord was what made me fall head over heels for him. That and the incredible smile and gorgeous olive skin! Deep down I think I knew we would make GORGEOUS babies! And we did. No really, his passion for the Lord was amazing. I remember one Sunday at the end of the service, he took me down to the alter and we knelt down and he prayed for me out loud. Yes, we met at church so obviously I knew He was trying to live for the Lord. But, I had always dated church guys and sometimes they are the worst kind to date. Jeremy was different though. He truly worshiped God in all that he did. There was another time I remember looking over at him during worship at church and he had his eyes closed with his hands lifted high in the air. He was truly in the midst of worship. I loved that about him, I still love that about him. Jeremy has one of the sweetest relationships with the Lord that I have ever seen.
Jeremy's Dad left when he was around six years old and he hasn't seen him since. If you look at pictures of his dad, it's crazy how much they look alike. Their expression, their toned forearms that show their hard work ethic, their hands, everything. But now I see how much Jeremy has taken on the ways of his Heavenly Father. He really is the sweetest, most warm guy you will ever meet. He would give you the shirt off of his back and when no one wants to do the hard work, he will be the last one standing. He worked for a company for thirteen years and called in sick TWICE. He is a man of integrity and I love the example he lives daily for our children. I am so proud of my husband.
Today I realized some reasons I am struggling but, the most important thing I realized was how much I can trust my husband. God is wanting me to look to Jeremy right now and to follow his lead. Others may not understand but God knows why. God knows the struggles I have had in my marriage and He has brought us here to do so much in and through us. So I am going to do what the Lord has told me to do. "Fall back into your husband's arms. Let him hold you. Follow his lead and as you do, you will be following me. You will be worshipping me by trusting your husband."
I hope you enjoy the song I have posted tonight. It's one of my favorite worship songs and the words mean a lot to me. God knows when I sing this song what it really means. He knows my heart, He knows my every thought and this song really gets me to that place with Him that I long to be.
Lord Jesus, thank you for all the things you are doing in my life. I could not do this without you. You have changed my life and you are my rock. Thank you Jesus for being that friend I can always pour my heart out to . I say this to you all the time but I will say it again. THANK YOU for saving me when I was only five years old! You knew how much I would need a Savior and I am so thankful that I learned to go to you with everything. Lord, please continue to show me and teach me how I can show your love to my children. I want Josiah, Ava Beth and Ezekiel to know you soon. I pray that they can accept you and know you as children. Father, help me to show them YOUR ways and YOUR love. Each night as I lay my hands on them and pray, I pray that they will truly make the connection from their heads to their hearts and KNOW you as their Savior like I did when I was just a little girl. Thank you for my babies. They are the most incredible gifts and I feel you loving me through them. Thank you for Jeremy. Thank you for giving me a husband that adores me so much and that takes care of us. God, I pray that you will bless him for working so hard. When he has to miss out on things going on with church, I pray that you will bless him immeasurably more for being such a hard worker and man of integrity. Thank you for giving me a husband like him. I am so blessed!! And Lord thank you for allowing me to hear your voice and thank you for giving me the gift to discern so many things. I love you Lord. I'm living for your glory Lord!!!
I don't want to say that I am hurting but I am really, really struggling internally with all the change taking place in my life. Today I had the opportunity to talk about it with my husband. As we walked the aisles of WalMart, we talked. We were in the dairy section when Jeremy voiced out loud what he was seeing in me. He said everything I was feeling. I knew that Jeremy had been talking to God about me and that brought comfort. There is no one better to pray for me than my husband. I know his prayers have fire behind them! I have a lot of fear right now and I am trying to figure out how to work through it and truly let go.
When Jeremy and I were dating, His relationship with God was such an encouragement to me. I had been saved a long time but Jeremy had been saved for only a year when I met him. His passion for the Lord was what made me fall head over heels for him. That and the incredible smile and gorgeous olive skin! Deep down I think I knew we would make GORGEOUS babies! And we did. No really, his passion for the Lord was amazing. I remember one Sunday at the end of the service, he took me down to the alter and we knelt down and he prayed for me out loud. Yes, we met at church so obviously I knew He was trying to live for the Lord. But, I had always dated church guys and sometimes they are the worst kind to date. Jeremy was different though. He truly worshiped God in all that he did. There was another time I remember looking over at him during worship at church and he had his eyes closed with his hands lifted high in the air. He was truly in the midst of worship. I loved that about him, I still love that about him. Jeremy has one of the sweetest relationships with the Lord that I have ever seen.
Jeremy's Dad left when he was around six years old and he hasn't seen him since. If you look at pictures of his dad, it's crazy how much they look alike. Their expression, their toned forearms that show their hard work ethic, their hands, everything. But now I see how much Jeremy has taken on the ways of his Heavenly Father. He really is the sweetest, most warm guy you will ever meet. He would give you the shirt off of his back and when no one wants to do the hard work, he will be the last one standing. He worked for a company for thirteen years and called in sick TWICE. He is a man of integrity and I love the example he lives daily for our children. I am so proud of my husband.
Today I realized some reasons I am struggling but, the most important thing I realized was how much I can trust my husband. God is wanting me to look to Jeremy right now and to follow his lead. Others may not understand but God knows why. God knows the struggles I have had in my marriage and He has brought us here to do so much in and through us. So I am going to do what the Lord has told me to do. "Fall back into your husband's arms. Let him hold you. Follow his lead and as you do, you will be following me. You will be worshipping me by trusting your husband."
I hope you enjoy the song I have posted tonight. It's one of my favorite worship songs and the words mean a lot to me. God knows when I sing this song what it really means. He knows my heart, He knows my every thought and this song really gets me to that place with Him that I long to be.
Lord Jesus, thank you for all the things you are doing in my life. I could not do this without you. You have changed my life and you are my rock. Thank you Jesus for being that friend I can always pour my heart out to . I say this to you all the time but I will say it again. THANK YOU for saving me when I was only five years old! You knew how much I would need a Savior and I am so thankful that I learned to go to you with everything. Lord, please continue to show me and teach me how I can show your love to my children. I want Josiah, Ava Beth and Ezekiel to know you soon. I pray that they can accept you and know you as children. Father, help me to show them YOUR ways and YOUR love. Each night as I lay my hands on them and pray, I pray that they will truly make the connection from their heads to their hearts and KNOW you as their Savior like I did when I was just a little girl. Thank you for my babies. They are the most incredible gifts and I feel you loving me through them. Thank you for Jeremy. Thank you for giving me a husband that adores me so much and that takes care of us. God, I pray that you will bless him for working so hard. When he has to miss out on things going on with church, I pray that you will bless him immeasurably more for being such a hard worker and man of integrity. Thank you for giving me a husband like him. I am so blessed!! And Lord thank you for allowing me to hear your voice and thank you for giving me the gift to discern so many things. I love you Lord. I'm living for your glory Lord!!!
Labels: He is holy, Living for his glory
