One of my very best friends back from Junior High, Janna, used to always say in our passed notes in the hallway, "I love your guts!" It stuck with me. We have all heard people say, "I hate your guts" but I love your guts isn't something you usually hear. So I say it to my Mom, I say it to Janna and I say it to Kelly Ann. And if I tell you that I love your guts, I really mean I love your guts. It sounds silly, but it's powerful. At least I think so! So for my friends that love me just as I am, guts and all, here is a blog you won't mind reading because once again, I share my guts!

My husband worked a twelve hour day today. Twelve hours! This also means I worked a twelve hour day. No breaks! I remember when I just had one child and napped every single day when he did. Actually having a newborn was tough in the beginning, especially since he was my first but after a few months, I got a lot of sleep. Then came baby number two twenty-three months later. It was tough in the beginning but Ava Beth began sleeping through the night at eleven weeks and through the help of the Baby Wise book, I managed to get the kids on a similar schedule. I was blessed indeed because they BOTH took three hour naps at the same exact time every single day until about four months ago when Josiah, my four year old, dropped naps. Twenty-four months after Ava Beth was born, Ezekiel was born. Josiah no longer naps but he is pretty easy, Ava Beth still takes a three hour nap every day and Zeke naps too. But, having three is without a doubt, 100%, the hardest thing EVER! Don't get me wrong. One is hard and two is hard but I have to tell you that THREE is harder. All of you moms out there that have more than three, I truly believe you are AMAZING. Praise the Lord, my three month old sleeps all night but I am still exhausted. Actually, I am beyond exhausted.

I knew it would be hard living three hours away from my Mom and three and a half hours away from my in-laws and Dad. My Dad came over just about every other day and I was able to run out to go tan, run an errand or just take a bath. Sometimes he would just play with the kids outside while I made dinner. It was nice knowing he was down the road if I needed him. The same with Jeremy's parents, they were close and often kept them over night. My Mom would sometimes keep them one or two nights at a time since she was a little further. People told me all the time how blessed I was to have grandparents so close and I knew I was but now I really understand what a blessing it was.

So this is where I am trying to find the balance. I am one of ten billion other moms out there struggling in this area. A good friend of mine once told me, "It's not your decade." She is a mother of four so I think I understand what she means! I am reminded of how much these babies have to come first. Motherhood is hard, yes. But, sometimes I just need to suck it up and do my job. Today I have complained a lot. I have whined a lot and been angry that I can't get a moment alone. Then I am reminded that I have the best life ever. I prayed for this. I am living my dream and they are my FIRST priority. If things are not flowing well in my home or I can't find joy in my day to day routine, nothing else is going to work.

I need a better attitude. There has been a lot of change lately and I feel like I have a lot of eyes on me right now. We have family watching and probably reading to see how we are handling it. We have people that thought we should have stayed where we were instead of moving because of our family being so young, etc. They are waiting for us to screw up, at least that's what I feel. Then I feel that our team probably wonders how we are going to manage, wondering if we are the real deal or wondering if we will be able to handle the challenge of church planting while raising a young family. How will our marriage be? How will we be in our relationships? How much time will we be able to give? Are we going to get burn out? Are we going to keep commitments? Are we going to be miserable away from our families? And so on and so on and so on. It's a lot! It's a lot to be on our plate but no matter what, we aint goin' anywhere! This is where God put us, this is where God wanted us. It's tough. I miss my friends, I miss staying at home every single night without ANYTHING on the calender. I miss a lot of things. But, God is ready for us to get up off the couch and do something!

Two years ago I was operating at a very intense level in my relationships. I am not able to do that anymore. At least, not right now. The Lord has changed me sooooooooo much. He has changed me so much that I am still trying to figure out who I am at this new place. Everyone expects me to be outgoing and a non-stop talker (and I still am sometimes). Two years ago that's how I was ALL THE TIME and I wanted everyone to like me. I wanted everyone to need me. I wanted everyone to know me. Now? Not so much. This past weekend when I sang as a guest at a church, I felt so uncomfortable. I did not feel like I used to feel on stage. I felt different. A part of me wanted to hide and not be seen. I did not think my uncomfortableness was obvious until my friend Erika said, "You looked different. You did not seem like the old Amanda I know who sings up on stage. You looked uncomfortable." She did not mean it in a bad way, but she saw the change. Her statement actually brought confirmation to me in a huge way. Two years ago I needed that stage, I craved it and it gave me so much affirmation. Today, I am not sure if I even want that or need that anymore. Oh sure I will always be a singer but it's different now, it's just completely different.

In the past I have not allowed things to develop naturally, including my relationships. It's always been all or nothing. And when I operate at that level, I get hurt. Today I realized that I can't please everyone. I have been scared that I will disappoint those on my team or do or say the wrongs things. I have felt like I have to prove something. It's NOTHING anyone has put on me, it's what I have put on myself. We moved away from EVERYTHING we loved, I don't think I need to worry about proving anything. I think our actions and our obedience says enough.

So today I made a commitment to myself and to the Lord. I have to take care of me first. If I don't take care of myself first, i can't develop relationships, I can't be a nurturing and loving mother and wife or anything else. I'm going to go slow, take my time and do things at my own pace. I have to. Sometimes I feel like saying yes, sometimes I feel like saying no. I can't be flexible with other people until I am flexible with myself and since I am my worst critic, I have got to learn to give myself a break. I have to "chillax"!!

I've been worried about what I say on my blog, what I say at a meeting, what I say during one on ones, what I say during trainings, what I say to new people, what I say in emails. I've been laying in bed at night beating myself up for so many things. I have not done in this in so long because I have been in this place where I don't have to put myself out there. We didn't go to church, we didn't make new friends, we just maintained what we already had. It was safe. And the Lord showed me today that if I continue to worry about what everyone thinks about ME, I can't be used. I just can't! Instead, I have to be me and be okay with being me. And if someone doesn't like me, doesn't understand me, oh well. Kyle, who is now my pastor, told me something over three years ago that I will NEVER forget. "Quit caring so much about what THEY think. Give yourself permission now to QUIT caring. It does not matter what they think about you."

Today I was so frustrated with myself. I was feeling all kinds of things that I have not felt in a long time. But I know that the Lord wants me to put myself out there again. As I try to get my feet wet, I do feel a little scared. I want to be excited, I really do. Right now I am at HIS feet, trusting that He will help me because I can't do this alone. We've got lots of team stuff coming up that will be fun so that's what I'm going to do! I'm going to have fun having all these new people in my life! What a blessing! What a blessing to have these people on the front row of my life. I sure need 'em!

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