Monday, February 12, 2007
Here's my guts
I am gregarious, loud, opinionated, flighty, hot and cold, often indecisive, controlling, confrontational at times, and many more negative things. I am an incredible starter, horrible finisher. I get bored quickly, I change my mind a lot and I HATE being stuck in the house. There are some things to my personality that really need sanctifying so I pray a lot! I could use the next paragraph to tell you all of the positive things about my personality but that just seems a bit too confident. And I am not confident! Well, I guess I am confident enough to begin a sentence with the word "and". Many people will tell you to never begin a sentence with that word but my English teacher in 6th grade said it is totally acceptable! So there's a little a bit of confidence! Why am I revealing all of these negative things about myself? Well I will explain.

When I was in High School I dreamt of being married. I did not want to go to college at all. In fact, I hated school. The only thing I wanted to do was get married and be a mom. The other thing I dreamt of being was a singer. I thought I would move to Nashville, wait tables and try to become either a country singer or Christian singer. The next Martina McBride or the next Susan Ashton, those were my dreams! Well I never moved to Nashville. Instead I enrolled in college because everyone else I knew was in college and what else could I do! My parents told me that if I wanted to go to school that I would have to pay for it myself or get a scholarship. I received a little bit of a scholarship to go to Dallas Baptist University but there was no way I would have the money to pay for the rest and I did not qualify for a student loan. I did not have parents that threatened me with college so it never seemed to be something I thought I could do but I went anyway, for a while. I began Junior college and hated every second of it. Not too far into it, I dropped all of my classes and got a real job. Then a few years later I decided to try the college thing again ONLY because I was dating a Youth Pastor that told me I would never be respected in the ministry if I did not have a college degree (I totally disagree now). I then enrolled at The University Of North Texas. I didn't make it past the first semester before dropping out. During this time, I continued singing and was a part of some incredible things as a vocalist. The only thing I cared about was singing on a big stage. I was blessed and got to sing in front of about six thousand people every weekend. Music was always there, singing was always a part of my life but it wasn't paying the bills and it soon went from ministry to nothing but competition. Finally I got an incredible job for someone my age and was making $30,000 a year. It may not sound like a lot but it was a lot for a single gal. Then one day I got tired of working for an ultra conservative Christian organization and I quit. Seriously, I went in one day to work and decided while I was there to QUIT! So I walked into my boss's office and said, "I am leaving and I will not be back." Here I was, twenty four years old living in an expensive, one bedroom apartment in a very nice part of town with no job waiting for me and I quit. Two days later I decided that I was going to go to beauty school. I loved fashion, hair, makeup and all that fun stuff so I knew that this had to be the perfect fit for me. One month later I was enrolled in the best beauty school in the metroplex and some family friends had decided that I could live with them rent free while going to school. Finally at twenty four years old, I was doing something for my future. A three year relationship with my boyfriend had ended and I had given up on the marriage/children dream.

Two weeks after being in beauty school, I met Jeremy. Not long after that, I knew I was going to marry Jeremy. We both knew. He told me that he did not want me to finish beauty school because he felt like it was a waste of time. There were many reasons as to why we came to this conclusion. Deep down I knew I did not want to be a hair stylist. I wanted to be a wife and a Mom and I wanted to minister with my voice. Jeremy told me that those dreams were the ones I needed to chase. Of course meeting Jeremy was a dream come true already!

I have said it many times before that Jeremy brought stability to my life and so did motherhood. Marriage and Motherhood has made me steadfast, something I needed. My kids are on schedules, they have routines and my home has order. For someone like me, that is a huge accomplishment. I may get tired of being in the house but I don't get bored with motherhood. It feeds me, it replenishes me, it challenges me, excites me and at times it frustrates the heck out of me. I'm in it for the long haul, I can't quit. I won't quit. I need these people just as much as they need me! But until these people entered into my life, I was wishy washy, and unsure about so many things. At times I still am. I have learned that my personality will always have certain struggles. I don't read to the kids as much as I should. We don't take trips to museums or aquariums (yet), we don't go to the library consistently, I sometimes yell, I have the TV on a lot (of course I do have a four week old in the house) and I mess up ALL THE TIME and I feel guilty about all of the above. Every day I am trying to learn to be content with who I am and what God has created me to be.

After looking at all of these things I struggle with and realizing how much I question myself in so many areas of my life, I think I may be crazy but I have decided that I want to homeschool my children. I can't even believe that I feel that way or that I have just typed those words. I am the mom that said I will NEVER homeschool. I am the Mom that said I would rather meet friends for tennis and lunch than be at home all day long for the next two decades! How can someone like me homeschool? I am not very educated, I struggle with being disciplined and I have quit everything else I have done in life. So what makes me think I can do this? Well that's just it! I don't think I can do it but I feel very strongly that I am supposed to do it. I have been wrestling with this for months. Josiah will not be five until next January but I think and pray about this every single day. There are about one hundred reasons why I feel I am supposed to do this but I won't list them here. I never want to sound like someone against public schools because I live in a great school district, a well known school district. In fact, our decision will be tough because we know the schools are good here. But my reasons have nothing to do with whether or not the schools are capable of giving my children a good education. I believe they are more than capable. My reasons are totally based on the kind of world we live in today and I would do anything to protect my children. I do not wish to shelter them, I wish to protect. And since I feel that God has called me to protect them, I feel that me homeschooling is a part of that "protection plan".

I am not confident, I am scared. My home, my children, they are my ministry right now. They are the only ones on my radar screen and I have to use this time to do what is best for them. I write all of this not so much to get opinions but encouragement. I know there are moms out there that have my personality and homeschool their kids. I am not a quiet, reserved, disciplined, lover of books kind of gal. That is not who I am at all. I guess I have felt that those were the only kind of moms cut out to homeschool. I have no formal education either. This will definitely be an area of my life and my children's life that I have to totally and completely rely on my Heavenly Father to show me the way. I feel like those that know me will think I am crazy, I even feel like people are trying to talk me out of it. I hear this negative voice in my head, my own, that says "Amanda, are you crazy? You are not cut out to homeschool. You are not smart enough." And a huge part of me wants to prove that voice wrong!

I have to admit though, I am scared. I am very scared. So I keep praying and praying and praying.

  posted at 11:59 AM

At 11:29 AM, Blogger mommyofangels said...

With God's help you can do anything.

"I am the LORD the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?" Jeremiah 32:27

At 12:22 PM, Anonymous J said...

That is great news! I would encourage you to continue to follow God's leadings and promptings. If He has called you to homeschool and given you the passion, the peace and the desire then He will help you through it.

Prayer is powerful!! I have found that as I homeschool my two kids, I need to rely on God daily and yield to Him. One of my daily prayers is that He would fill me with His Holy Spirit and help me to show HIS CHARACTER of Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Gentleness, Faithfulness and Self Control. Do I get it right always? NO, but God is changing me to be more like Him as I surrender to Him and seek Him daily.

Praise God for you and your following His will for your life.
You are going to do GREAT!

At 12:22 PM, Blogger Kelli in the Mirror said...

I left a comment before, but I think blogger ate it.

I was just going to say how awesome it is for you to obey the calling even when it's scary.

And also that you can totally do this! Look at all the things your kids know how to do- you taught them that right? Colors, shapes, singing, the Godly values you're working on... all of that. This will just be a continuation. And you can always say, "I don't know, but let's go look it up together!"

At 1:10 PM, Blogger V. said...

You're right...! You CAN'T do this. You need God's help.

If you approach every day with that attitude you will be just fine.

Those children are God's. Commit them and commit each day to Him and He will be sure to give you all that they need and enable you with all that you will need.



At 1:26 PM, Blogger Wendy said...

One of the things I love about homeschooling is their is no one right way to do it, no one perfect curriculum for everyone. Every child is different and every family too. Still there are the stereotypes that we think of. I don't fit very many of those, so I didn't know if I could really do it. But I can and YOU CAN! In fact, you've already been doing it, just not calling it that. You know your child(ren) better than anyone.

I have so much more to say. We need to talk soon. Love ya!

At 1:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You'll do a wonderful job. Homeschooling is something I am thinking of as well since we are military and with all the moving, this would give my kids some additional stability. My oldest will be 3 soon so I guess it's not something in my immediate future but we have already decided to do preschool at home. Anyway, I NEVER considered homeschool until about 6 months ago when I came across homeschool blogger. There are all sorts of moms (and dads) there and it helped me to see homeschooling in a different light than what I had pictured. Stand firm in the way the Lord is leading you. Congrats on this big decision.

At 2:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are my hero!!!
You can do this!!!!!
Most importantly, God will do this in you!!

I just want to encourage you to do exactly what you and Jer feel called to with those babes of yours!!

Oh, and we have a very similar personality (no surprise) and we had planned to homeschool but since have changed our minds...or should I say felt called to something different.
It's all about the goal - we all have the same goal, and we just get there differently.

Bless you!!

At 2:45 PM, Blogger Munchkin Land said...

I will be praying that God continues to give you peace when it comes to this decision!! I say "right on" and I think you'll do a wonderful job with your children. God will give you the strength and determination to see it through...

At 2:55 PM, Blogger ~Betty~ @ On the Journey to Victory said...

Good luck.

In my prayer journal I was just expressing to the Lord that there are certain things in my life that I need Him and His power to make it. Same thought you were expressing, just a different situation.

I will pray for you Amanda.


At 3:02 PM, Blogger Borbe Bunch said...

HI Amanda!!!
I am smiling...completely HAPPY for you and how God has brought you to this decision!!!
We seem a lot alike :) I want to ENCOURAGE you and will try to write you an email...let me just say, that I LOVE homeschooling and Amanda you ARE homeschooling your kiddos...every day you teach them, simply by teaching them as you "walk about..." LIFE itself is a "classroom" :)
My mind is racing with what I want to write to you, but have to go and feed my hungry Owen :)
Praying for you...
Your sister in Christ,

At 3:25 PM, Blogger Paula said...

Praise God that you want to be obedient to His calling. It is good that you are scared. It just requires you to rely more on God. He will get you and your family through this choice. You have many many many friends loving, supporting and praying for you as well.

AS everyone already has said, you are already teaching your children. I hear you on the phone. You are a great mom. They are learning so much. I am proud of Josiah. He "shakes" off the whining and ask you a question like a big boy. You are doing FANTASTIC!

At 6:07 PM, Blogger Dee said...

Oh my friend - allow me to join your cheerleaders and say GO AMANDA!!! :) It's so awesome to hear of another Child of God following His calling!! But you're right - you can't do this, BUT you and God CAN do this. (Phil. 4:13) Don't you let ANYONE convince you this isn't the thing for you - I think very often we are called to "missions" way outside our comfort zone.. that's how He helps us develop ourselves! I've no doubt you've prayerfully considered this and are committed to His calling -- and my friend I cheer you on and will commit to pray with and for you!

While I have no HS advice or experiences to share with you -- I can pray!! :)


At 6:49 PM, Blogger Kili @ Live Each Moment said...

OH MY WORD! You might not see this but in so many ways we are the same. I hated school, same college story as you, same thing about my parents and college...and my wanting to be a mom and wife, and even the singing. I too am struggling with the homeschool issue.......

At 8:22 PM, Blogger Christy said...

Girl I won't repeat what everyone else has already said! I just want you to pray for me b/c I have already began praying about this. With Jeremy traveling as an evangelist full time it will be hard to do public/christian school and we would not be with him SO much! I knew having a baby we'd have alot of major decisions to make. Pray for me please b/c I have to make a decision about going back to work in the next week. If I go back I will be away from Piercen while someone else raises him 40hrs a week - Jeremy traveling so some weeks he wouldn't see Jeremy at all! No little boy should be away from mommy and daddy that much. If I quit we can travel with him. On the other hand, I give up health isurance UNLESS I can get a major medical policy... this post is so long so don't post it girl if you don't wanna ;) but I had to comment b/c so much of what you deal with I am right in your foot steps.... it is like God put you in my life so I have someone who has went ahead of me and delt with things I have in my future..... I have been worrying SO much my teeth have been chattering from nerves. I am so scared of doing the wrong thing about my job! I am going to call you... tomorrow we have drs appt so I will shoot for mid morning wed! love you girl!

At 12:04 PM, Blogger Gwen said...

Good for you!

I homeschooled Hope for a while all preschool and then 2 1/2 years of elementary before she entered public school. It is an awesome journey. I miss it sometimes with the hustle and bustle of life. I think you will do an awesome job and I look forward to hearing about your adventures!

At 4:22 PM, Anonymous Lela said...

As parents, there is no one that has our children's best interests at heart more than us. As parents, we are our children's best teachers. With your prayerfulness and all the love that you have for your little ones, you will be embarking on an adventure. Make some wonderful memories.

At 6:08 PM, Blogger Kelly said...

I am praying for you. I read your last post and I will lift you up... I know what it is like when your mind runs wild with worry and you look online at all the medical websites- terrifying and satan has a field day. I just want you to know that I am praying for you and feel so strongly that you just need to let others lift you up so you can rest in the loving embrace of your Heavenly Father... let His peace just overwhelm you- he wants to astonish you and amaze you with His grace and comfort. I am so sorry for all that you are facing.

In the precious name of Jesus I lift Amanda up to You, oh Heavenly Father. You know her heart, and you know her pain. Please lift these burdens from her and give her peace. Lord, You are a God of peace and wholeness, please bless her physical body in this suffering, and help the doctors to diagnose her and treat her. Please touch her spirit and calm her fears. Please restore her joy and let her delight in her family and each great blessing from above. You are mighty oh Father God. In Jesus Name, Amen

At 6:55 PM, Anonymous J said...

I was not able to leave a comment on your last post. I wanted to let you know that I am praying for you too!


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Location: Austin, Texas

Mommy, Mama, Mandi, Amanda, Babe and whatever else you want to call me! How do I have time to blog with three kids under the age of four? I'm up until midnight and usually later!

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