Thursday, January 11, 2007
Side effects
I was all set to take this fabulous pill to help me sleep last night. Unfortunately I began to read about the side effects and the warnings about taking it with other medicines. One of the things it clearly stated was to make sure you had not taken a Claritin along with this particular drug. Well, guess what? I had taken a claritin! So, I did not get to take my sleeping pill. Instead I woke up every single hour to pee and my back hurt worse than it ever had. My back always hurts at the end of pregnancies. When I am driving down the road I have to place my fist behind my back jus to help ease the pain in one certain spot. Even now as I try to practice good ergonomics and have good posture in this chair at my desk, my back kills! All of that to say, I am going to try the sweet little Ambien pill tonight! I will suffer through allergies any day in order to have some sweet sleep! My Doctor said that a lot of women go to the hospital at this stage of pregnancy hoping or thinking that they are in labor. He said they all get sent home with a sleeping pill! So I think that's what I need, SLEEP.

Anytime you read side effects to prescribed drugs, it's easy to get a little freaked out. Most of the time it's just dry mouth, upset stomach or nausea. But this little pill said, "Be careful when rising from bed. Take your time and go slow." Now I don't know about you, but when I read something like that, I get a little freaked! That's a drug with some power! Then I started thinking about how often I get up to use the bathroom and I began to wonder if I would just pee all over myself in the bed if I took this pill. I mean if it's that powerful, how will I make it to the bathroom?!

For the past month, I have really been struggling with something that I know the Lord has already delivered me from. Fear. I used to worry about so many things and create things in my mind and then believe it. I still struggle a lot when it comes to driving on the highway. Every trip I make to my mom's salon or to her home, is a prayerful trip. I hate driving on the highway. I live in a great area of the metroplex because my area is connected to everything. This means I can take a back road to just about any place and never enter the highway. But I can't do this with all places. I still have to pray a whole bunch when the kids go to grandparents. Even though my in-laws live two miles away, I worry. I won't even confess the things I worry about because it all comes from my imagination. Since I know the Lord has delivered me from fear, I know when it's coming and I know exactly why I am struggling. Fear is a direct result of something. It's a side effect.

When I entered the blogging world over a year ago, I had no idea the world it would open up to me. At first I read great stories, funny stories, testimonies, things that made me feel warm and fuzzy or things that truly encouraged me. But then I started seeing prayer icons on people's blogs. I started reading stories of sick babies, dying babies, sick mommies and daddies, car accidents that were deadly, rare diseases, babies born with major health problems or handicaps. There were stories of leukemia, heart problems, genetic disorders and so much more. Until blogging, I had never heard of so many tragic things going on in the lives of women just like me. One story I followed had me so tore up that I could not sleep. I cried for this person a lot and prayed for her daily. I could not let her situation escape me. In some ways, I had to limit my time reading her blog. I had to limit my time spent thinking about it. I wanted to stand in the gap for her but at times it was so hard. I found myself being fearful of that happening to me or someone I loved. It consumed me. Then there was a story of a woman loosing her husband in a car accident. Totally unexpected of course. He left one morning to go to work and never came back. Now she is a single mom of three with kids that ask when Daddy is coming home.

At times I find myself going crazy in my mind with fear and worry. I never knew that motherhood could do this to you. I never knew that I would love these kids more than anything. You know you will love them but until you are a mom, you can't possibly imagine how they will consume you 100%. I often think about how my babies were in my womb and learned my heartbeat. Our heartbeats learned how to beat together and even after they are born, they still beat together. They are such a part of me that I can't imagine my life without them. For me, that is a scary thought. I know that this world is full of uncertainties and tragic moments. I know that life is not always great and I know that sometimes the Lord does things or allows things that we will never understand on this side of heaven. Knowing that makes it hard. When I was a little girl, I would sit in my closet and cry for hours. I would ask God to make my family normal. I would ask Him to make my Dad better and that he would quit drinking. Those prayers were never answered in the way I wanted them to be. For years I suffered through so much of that pain as a child. I began to expect things to go bad. When things were good in my life, I got scared. And today, I still do that at times. This always happens as a direct result of something. It's a side effect.

I told you earlier in this post that the past month has been one of lots of worry. From reading other stories about sick babies or sick children to hearing things on the news, I have been consumed with fear. My imagination has gone totally crazy. Two weeks ago I found a pretty bad bruise on Ava Beth's back. Instead of just thinking, "Oh it's a bruise", my mind went somewhere else. Again, I won't confess it to you because it came from fear. I called my mom because Ava Beth had just spent the night with her and my mom explained how she fell out of a chair in the info booth at church. I was totally relieved but convicted by the Holy Spirit for jumping to something else so horrible. I have even been known to look stuff up on the internet and diagnose myself or my children. When the doctor told me I lost five pounds during week 37 of my pregnancy, I worried. I should have been rejoicing!

So last night after reading the side effects to the medicine the doctor gave me, I heard a word for the Holy Spirit. For the past month I have been experiencing some pretty major side effects in my mind. When I don't keep my mind focused on Him, when I don't meditate on His word day and night, I suffer. I have nothing to fight with. The Word is my sword and if I have not been in the Word, I go into battle with nothing! There are side effects to me leaving the bible on my night stand. Fear, worry, anxiety, depression, anger, all of it will take over my life. My relationship with my husband will always suffer. My relationship with my children and everyone else. I have spoken with people before that don't feel they need to read God's Word daily. They feel like if they commit to reading His word daily, they set themselves up for failure because they feel guilty when they miss their reading time. Well, I think that is a load of mess because I know what happens when I am not in it DAILY. His Word should always be in us, always on the tip of our tongues, always in our thoughts, always in our mind and heart. It's His Word that keeps the devil at bay. It's His Word that trains our minds to know when fear is trying to sneak in. Every single time I get out of His word for any length of time, my life reflects it. My mind is the first to go. A major side effect for me is FEAR.

So here I go again. I'm gonna train my mind again and remind my spirit that I have been delivered of FEAR and that it can no longer have a hold on me. And I know that this can only be done by HIS WORD.

Friends, please be praying for me. Thank you.

  posted at 2:58 PM
  7 comments



7 Comments:
At 1:59 PM, Blogger Dee said...

AMEN Sister!!!!!! I have had struggles with depression/anxiety and most of it is fear driven; when I feel it taking over me, I can always look at my time in the Word and see why. I need to be fed daily to avoid those other things the devil likes to throw in my path!!!

Praying my friend!!!

 
At 2:07 PM, Blogger Kili @ Live Each Moment said...

I agree with you.

And sorry to share a sad story with you and add to your stress, I'm sorry but you see how it affects you and she is my best friend!

Fear. I hate fear.

 
At 2:46 PM, Blogger Munchkin Land said...

I can totally relate to this site. I have a horribly, over-active imagination and you would probably be able to relate to some of the things I come up with in my head. It is something I have to face and conquer on a daily basis. I WILL be praying for you, dear friend!!

January 22nd is coming fast!!

 
At 3:40 PM, Anonymous Wendy said...

I can really relate to the part about blogs and the sadness and consumingness (is that a word?) of them. I've been following the story of little Noah Steven and have been so sad over the recent news. I put a prayer request for him on my blog earlier this week.

 
At 8:49 PM, Blogger Christy said...

HEAVENLY DAYS! I am speechless! I have been fighting the devil all day long. Actually for weeks because of fear. I deal with this often and if I lay down to it he gets me every time. Right when I think I have victory and have overcome the generational curse I slip from reading, meditating and I am back at square one. I know for me alot of times the battlefield is in my mind! I will be praying for you --- promise!!! I hate it that you too deal with fear but I am glad I am not alone. I am glad to know I can join together with you and believe for victory. Some times when I deal with something I think I am the only one and no one would understand. I try and remind myself I must be a threat to the devil because he wouldn't be messin with me if he already had me! I love you my friend. Sleep well tonight I pray!

 
At 5:58 AM, Blogger Paula said...

I think all women can realte. Satan would love for us to live in fear because it keeps us from God's promises.
Know you are not alone and that prayer warriors are in this with you.
Love you, I sure wish I could be there with you these last few days.

 
At 7:18 AM, Blogger {Karla} said...

i can relate to all of this. (I suffer from panic attacks)

I will continue to pray for a Spirit of Peace for you.

Blessings,
Karla

 

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