Wednesday, December 13, 2006
no title (revised)
It seems that most everyone we know is trying to get us in church, in their church or just back in church. When I explain why we are not attending one right now, I get nothing but silence. This morning I am told how much I need to homeschool my children and if you know me, that makes me want to do the total opposite. I hate to be TOLD to do something or told that I SHOULD do something. Every part of me NOW wants to do the opposite. What a rebellious spirit I have! Something else I need to work on. Today I just feel overwhelmed and down a little. I woke up feeling pretty good but after having this conversation with a family member, I feel defeated. I don't want fundamentalism! I don't want someone else's Christianity. I want to repaint my OWN Christian faith. I don't want to go to YOUR church! I want to go where God leads us and right now I don't feel He is leading us back to the same old crap. And yes, that is how I feel. I feel it is a bunch of crap. I am not content with how things are anymore. I am tired of the word Christian. I am tired of the crap that goes on with Santa, Christmas, Halloween, drinking, movies and so much more. I don't want to be a part of that. I want to be a part of a people that truly get it. I want to talk to people that need healing, deliverance and a SAVIOR! I feel like things are so difficult for us right now but at the same time I am loving this break. Our families are involved in their church. My husband's family all goes to the same church and mentions on occasion how we should come there too. They are even in Bible School. But since we are not in church, it seems that we are forgotten. No one asks me about the ministry I feel called to do. How many times do I have to explain to my friends and family that we are OKAY? We are growing. We are seeking HIM, maybe more than you!
My friend told me yesterday that you can hardly find books like Velvet Elvis or Blue Like Jazz in Christian Bookstores. No. You have to get those at Barnes and Noble. Some stores don't even carry the books. Instead you walk into bookstores and you are surrounded by book titles like YOUR BEST LIFE NOW and other INSPIRATIONAL books. I got news for everyone, we were not put on this earth to ONLY be blessed and naming it and claiming it is a dangerous faith to live by. I don't want that anymore!
Today I am hurting. I am frustrated. I want to talk to someone that understands. I want the Lord to show us what we are supposed to do. If it's CHURCH in the church building every Sunday sense, then show us. But I don't feel that, I just don't. I want to be the church and if that means starting one in our home, then let's do it. But we still don't know. We still don't know what it is God has for us but we KNOW it's not anything like what we came from. NOTHING like it at all.
Lord, please show our family that we are okay and that we are serving you or maybe help me to NOT CARE what they think about me. I really need your help today Lord. Please bring confirmation Lord. Please put someone in our path to give us direction. Thank you for all that you are teaching me Lord. Thank you.
***There is a very good reason why I have my comment moderation turned on. I can reject comments. The reason why I do reject some comments is because sometimes the comments put words in my mouth. Sometimes they are accusatory or sometimes they just have nothing to do with anything I have said in my post. I read posts A LOT that I do not agree with and sometimes I challenge the writer by sending my thoughts but that is rare. Most of the time, I do nothing and if it bothers me really bad, I will pray about it. I don't write things to please everyone else. In fact, I am almost always going to go against what most people think. But, that's my right. I think I have said this many, many, many times on my blog and I think I need to say it again in the most loving way possible. This is my blog and I write about my journey. It's not your journey, or anyone else's, just mine. Please don't take it personal. Please don't think I am a church hater. But I do hate what is going on. I have experienced things and I have been going through changes lately regarding my faith and my walk with Christ that not everyone will understand. This blog is not for you if you struggle with my thoughts and my writing. This is for those that are struggling with some of the same things as me. I read comments a lot that take my words and make them into something else. That is the problem with email and writing online. You don't know me. You don't see my face as I type. You don't know my heart because if you did, you would KNOW that I am not talking bad about YOU or what you choose to do or not do. So please give me a little more credit. I am not an ugly woman. I am a loving woman that is trying to serve Jesus just like you.
My friend told me yesterday that you can hardly find books like Velvet Elvis or Blue Like Jazz in Christian Bookstores. No. You have to get those at Barnes and Noble. Some stores don't even carry the books. Instead you walk into bookstores and you are surrounded by book titles like YOUR BEST LIFE NOW and other INSPIRATIONAL books. I got news for everyone, we were not put on this earth to ONLY be blessed and naming it and claiming it is a dangerous faith to live by. I don't want that anymore!
Today I am hurting. I am frustrated. I want to talk to someone that understands. I want the Lord to show us what we are supposed to do. If it's CHURCH in the church building every Sunday sense, then show us. But I don't feel that, I just don't. I want to be the church and if that means starting one in our home, then let's do it. But we still don't know. We still don't know what it is God has for us but we KNOW it's not anything like what we came from. NOTHING like it at all.
Lord, please show our family that we are okay and that we are serving you or maybe help me to NOT CARE what they think about me. I really need your help today Lord. Please bring confirmation Lord. Please put someone in our path to give us direction. Thank you for all that you are teaching me Lord. Thank you.
***There is a very good reason why I have my comment moderation turned on. I can reject comments. The reason why I do reject some comments is because sometimes the comments put words in my mouth. Sometimes they are accusatory or sometimes they just have nothing to do with anything I have said in my post. I read posts A LOT that I do not agree with and sometimes I challenge the writer by sending my thoughts but that is rare. Most of the time, I do nothing and if it bothers me really bad, I will pray about it. I don't write things to please everyone else. In fact, I am almost always going to go against what most people think. But, that's my right. I think I have said this many, many, many times on my blog and I think I need to say it again in the most loving way possible. This is my blog and I write about my journey. It's not your journey, or anyone else's, just mine. Please don't take it personal. Please don't think I am a church hater. But I do hate what is going on. I have experienced things and I have been going through changes lately regarding my faith and my walk with Christ that not everyone will understand. This blog is not for you if you struggle with my thoughts and my writing. This is for those that are struggling with some of the same things as me. I read comments a lot that take my words and make them into something else. That is the problem with email and writing online. You don't know me. You don't see my face as I type. You don't know my heart because if you did, you would KNOW that I am not talking bad about YOU or what you choose to do or not do. So please give me a little more credit. I am not an ugly woman. I am a loving woman that is trying to serve Jesus just like you.
13 Comments:
Man Amanda, I really agree with your mom on this one. You all are in my prayers for the number one gift I wish for you: PEACE.
You know, I believe in the domestic church and the ways we can manifest "church" in our homes. After all, don't you think that the stable was a genuine manifestation of "church" with Jospeh, Mary, and baby Jesus...and all the animals??
I agree about the sabbatical year...I am on one as well. Ever since the miscarriage. I needed time to debrief and process. Unlike you, I am not questioning my church, but I am stepping back. And that is between me & God. If someone wants to judge me for not going to Mass, then that is on them. God and I are doing well with it. I am seeking him in a more ravenous way than I have in a long, long time.
And I simply take one day at a time.
May you be showered with the GRACE of His peace, His love, and His fortitude. You are a daughter of the King of Kings....He is holding you today - even in this.
You can call me! I will talk with you. Anytime!
Praying for you and Jeremy in this.
Everyone always has their opinions on what we should or shouldn't do. I am sure they just want the best for you.
I think your mom *beautifully* summarized what I was thinking...
I will pray for you and for your family.
"Father, I pray that You would be with Amanda in her time of discouragment. Guide her and Jeremy as they wait and listen for Your guidance.
I pray that from Amanda's discouragement and frustration a conviction will grow that will fan a mighty fire in others for You and You alone!
It's in Christ's Holy and Sovereign Name I pray. AMEN"
You WILL be blessed for your desire to do what the Lord is leading you to do.
Blessings,
Karla
Okay...I think "church" as we've known it has become like the "bulky, heavy armor" thrown on little David to kill Goliath.
But you know what? It wasn't right for him...it weighed him down and actually hindered his effectiveness. Sure, it suited all of the other "soliers", but God knew that a mere sling and 5 little stones would be just right for David to accomplish the task set before him.
Amanda...go sling those stones, girl! I'm right there with you!
Much love,
Tiff :)
Mom, Thank you. You have encouraged me soo much lately. I love you!
Sweet Stacey, I sure am blessed by you. You have the most loving spirit. Thank you.
Karla, I know that your words are carefully chosen and I appreciate that but more I apprecaite your prayers for me. Thank you.
Amanda, I hear your heart. The longing for an intimate realtionship with our Father is far more important than the building we stand in every Sunday. My persona; experience is "those" church people are most lost than the image they relay.
God is here and now. He will bring your hearts desire. We just need to pray for others to be more sensitive and to keep their mouth shut. Unfortunately we tend to draw eachother further away from God than bring Him closer. Why is that? I think the world is lacking grace for one another.
When the time comes, you will find that church.
A comment for the above blog. all I know to do is lead by example. Love the sinner, but not the sin. If God convicts you of a show....don't watch it. That is between you and God. I think as the relationship grows....convictios arise.
I watch Grey's Anatomy last year and this year I haven't yet. It was a conviction I felt strong enough to let go. It came with my time with God. That is what it boils done to.
A personal relationship with God. Only the person and He himself know what is going on. Okay, I am done.
Walk on with Jesus. Walk on.
I am praying for you. It seems like the enemy tries to knock us down right before God is fixing to bless us the biggest. A church isn't the building. WE are the church! You keep seeking HIM - HE will direct you. It seems we are all good at time at showing everyone else the way they should go when we can't even find our own way. I love you my friend... stay strong... walk with the limp!
off subject, but I really want to get Velvet Elvis!!
Cara~
I have nothing to say other than I have been there and sometimes I'm not sure I'm all the way done... but I do know my faith is stronger, my relationships better and I am different this side of my "time away." God has a great plan for you and a ministry of some sort for you and your family... just "be still and know...." He will direct your paths!
Praying always...
Amanda, I pray that God will lead you in the direction that he wants you to go. Many time we Christians focus on playing church instead of being the church. What does that mean anyways "being the church", and what is our part in it. My grandma left the church over 10 years ago. Why? She felt it was her mission to care for my grandfather who was in an accident that cause some paralysis. That has been her mission. Times when I say I'm tired, but I have to go to church. She tells me that my first mission is my family. I too struggle with this. But then I think, if I stop serving at church, then what is my purpose. The great commission is
"Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in[a] the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." Matthew 28:19
"Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching." Hebrews 10:25
The perfect church doesn't exsist. Even if one starts his/her own. There are so many times that I get fustrated at the people and leadership of my church, that I just want to scream. But I go back to the the first phrase of the book a Purpse Driven Life "It's not about you". It was about me and you when Christ died on the cross. Now it's about serving others and spreading the gospel.
Mandi, as I've read your posts over the past days I can literally hear your heart crying out, asking us to identify with what you're saying, showing your vulnerability to the hard lessons, and I felt two things. One, I want to stand up and applaud you. And two, I wanted to give you a big hug, to take away some of the pain that you've been dealt. I am so grateful that you are sharing your journey with us, as you proclaim your truth and figure out how your Christian walk is going to look. It need not be compared to anyone else and I'm in awe of the things taking place in your heart. Thank you for sharing!!
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