Something Beautiful

not sure

2007-08-29T14:09:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure what I'm doing with the blog thing. I don't know what or where i want to write. So today I'm hanging out at MAMA SINGS. :)

feelings

2007-08-28T22:59:00.000-07:00

So I was talking to one of my very best friends today and I was explaining some struggles I'm having and some things I was feeling. She said something to me that I can't get out of my head, "You can't live in feelings. You have to seek the truth. You have to ask God to show you the TRUTH."

Okay so I know that but, today when she said it, it really hit me pretty hard. I am a woman and I "feel" a lot. I've made way too many decisions based on "feelings". I am constantly praying for TRUTH and today my truth telling friend helped me see a few things I need to really commit to praying about. I truly believe God will answer my prayer. But I need to be diligent in truly casting all of my cares upon Him instead of allowing my mind to carry them for me.

Heart of Worship by Matt Redman

2007-08-25T22:37:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow morning I am singing one of my favorite worship songs. Well, it's probably number #1 on my list. A few nights ago I was on the worship program to sing something else but, I woke up in the middle of the night with this song playing loudly in my head. Thankfully I have become friends with the worship leader at our sponsor church so I sent him an email at 4:30am in the morning after trying to go back to sleep for an hour, and asked him if the band could switch songs. He said, "Yes." I know this song was in my head for a reason. I know it was for me and tomorrow I look forward to singing it for someone else. When the Holy Spirit wakes me in the middle of the night, it's ALWAYS for someone else. My prayer is that God can use me tomorrow to communicate what worship is all about.

It's all about you Jesus. I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it, when it's all about you. It's all about you Jesus.

NO BOOKS FOR YOU!

2007-08-23T15:05:00.000-07:00

So guess what? Apparently their hiring DPS or DMV employees over at the library in Pflugerville, Texas!

When I walked into the library filled with Moms, babies, toddlers and old ladies, I felt refreshed. The little old ladies were smiling at the kids and Josiah was saying over and over again, "Mommy, I love the library! Let's get some Thomas The Train Books! And lets get some movies!" And let's not forget how great it feels to walk inside where it is COOL. The library seems to consistently be cold and cold is good when you've just unloaded three kids out of the car in triple digit weather. (I don't know if it really is triple digits today but it's hot, really hot!) So you get the point. Josiah is totally excited about the idea of picking out a pile of books to take home and a few movies, Ava Beth is excited about looking for a princess book and Ezekiel is sitting comfortably in the Baby Bjorn carrier I'm wearing. Not only am I wearing the Baby Bjorn, I am also wearing a pretty nice smile. I've been lazy this Summer so I did some research on books for the kids and some ways to help Josiah learn to read before starting kindergarten next year, so I head to the library. I'm feeling good as a Mom and proud that my kids are not watching Noggin at the moment! Instead, we're at the library and Barbara Bush would be so proud!

We have not made a library trip since moving here so, today was the day I needed to get my library card. Patiently I wait at the counter while the library employee scans books in that someone just returned. Finally she notices me and my heavenly library trip turns hellish!

Here's the script! (I'll just write it out like I would a drama so you can relive it with me.)

Library Trip Gone Bad

Written By Amanda

Characters: Library employee with really bad attitude
Mom with three kids who is happy to be at the library

Employee: (annoyed tone) Mam, is there something I can help you with?

Mom: (aware of employee being rude so trying to kill with kindness) Yes, (smiling) I just need to get a library card.

Employee: (really, really annoyed) well you need to fill out the application over here (pointing to her left).

Mom: Oh, okay. (walks over to application counter) ***can you believe there is an application counter??! SERIOUSLY! (after she finishes application, she walks back to the line.)

Employee: (takes application from mom's hand) Uhhh, I'm going to need to see your driver's license. (The Mom hands her the DL.) Uhhh, this is not the address you have written on the application.

Mom: (holding back the need to say "NO CRAP LADY!) Yes Mam, we moved here a few months ago and I have not had it changed yet.

Employee: Well, you do you have a utility bill with you?

Mom: (holding back the need to say "Yes, I carry those with me every where I go. Would you like to see the water bill, electric bill or phone bill?) No mam. (Mom's four year old child in the background begging for books) Do I have to have a bill with me to check out books today?

Employee: (now talking to Mom like she is stupid) Yes. You cannot check out books unless your license is correct or unless you have a bill with you to prove you live there.

(Mom's four year old now whining about not getting books and movies.)

Mom: (now mom is annoyed not with the stupid rule but more with the employee's rudeness) Your serious? (mom begins to put DL in back in wallet when all of the sudden, employees does the unthinkable)

Employee: (picks up application before Mom can put it away in diaper bag, holds it up in front of her face and rips it up.)

Mom: (STUNNED, totally STUNNED. And pissed!) Mam, why did you just rip up my application?

Employee: Well, I have to destroy it if you are not going to use it.

Mom: I spent time filling it out and I was going to bring it back tomorrow or Saturday. That was not very nice.

Employee: Sorry, you will have to fill out another one.

Mom: (the Mom has an Ally McBeal moment and envisions jumping over the counter to tackle the library employee but instead walks away and tells four year old that this library is not a very nice place. Son then asks if they can go back to the nice library at their old house. Then the Mom fights the urge to turn around and yell, "YOUR LIBRARY SUCKS!" But she doesn't. Instead, she gets into her car after loading up the three kids in triple digits and cries. Yep, she cries.)

The end

Okay, so seriously! This is how I expect o be treated at the DMV or the DPS but the LIBRARY? I understand there are rules okay? But isn't this the country that has a First Lady who has a platform relating to children getting books for free and doesn't she go around reading stories at Libraries and Schools and promoting early reading for kids?? She's a former librarian for crying out loud and she wants my children to read!! But today I got sent home! Have you seen the Soup Natzi on Seinfield??? Well, I think I met the Book Natzi today!

NO BOOKS FOR YOU!

Needless to say, the library trip sucked in every way so why not make the day better and go to Wal Mart? Hey, what the heck? That's where all the nice people hang out! HA! Let's unload three kids in triple digit, scorching hot weather one more time! After all, it would be a fast trip. I needed butter, milk, yogurt, cauliflower, broccoli, bananas, apples, glue sticks, stickers for a chore chart and re fried beans! How easy could it be?! Super easy, until Ava Beth starts eating yogurt in the cart! Who needs a spoon, right? I couldn't see her due to Ezekiel's car seat. Then it got worse when I began to self check and realized the apples I chose rang up at almost $2.00 a pound! And I bought a lot of Apples! But then a sweet cashier (which I usually have grumpy cashiers in Wal Mart and that's why I like to go to HEB Plus instead) tells me how she loves my hair and how much I look like PINK! She must have been talking about my ripped physique! Nope, it was the hair. :)

And now my little sweet dumplings are all sleeping...

She Runs

2007-08-22T12:15:00.000-07:00

Today is a running day. My body is actually beginning to crave those early evening runs. I find myself disappointed on the rest days because of the strength I have built from training. I crave it!

The past several days I have been thinking about how much running symbolizes my walk with Christ. One of my favorite scriptures is Hebrews 12:1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Today I looked up the verse in different translations and found that it jumps off the page for me in The Message translation.

1-3 Do you see what this means—all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? It means we'd better get on with it. Strip down, start running—and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins. Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we're in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—he could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever. And now he's there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls!

There are several parts in this translation that really speak to me. Strip down, start running- and never quit! I can't tell you how many times I thought about quitting in the beginning of our runs. My body constantly fought the urge to walk instead of run. The pain in my side, the pain in my shins, the difficulty in keeping a steady pace, I longed to stop and walk. It's in those moments that I am reminded of how much I struggle at times to keep going with things I have committed to or things that I am responsible for or even my relationships. I've had moments in my marriage where I really felt I could not longer do it. I never contemplated divorce but I thought about not caring anymore. As a Mom, I struggle to find creativity in my parenting. I struggle to stay positive and some mornings I wake up with a longing for no responsibility at all. When friendships get difficult, I would much rather choose flight instead of fight. I would much rather think of myself instead of them, especially if there is conflict. It's much easier to be a slave to fear, laziness or anger. It's much harder to strip down and run the race marked for me to run.

Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we're in.

One of the things I prayed this morning was that the Holy Spirit would convict me when I take my eyes off Jesus. I do it so often! I know I do it because when I take my eyes off him, my entire perspective changes. Instead of seeing peace, I see strife. Instead of seeing blessings, I see troubles. When I take my eyes off of Him for one second, I lose my place in the race. I get further and further from the finish line.

Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—he could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever.

If you ever decide to run, you have to know it's hard in the beginning. The aches and pains, the soar muscles, the difficulty with being steadfast and the way you even have to train your mind to keep you going is very tough. I can honestly say that it has gotten so much easier physically and mentally. I don't want to quit in the middle of the run. Instead of the desire to walk, I have a desire to keep on running and a desire to push through any pain I may feel. I constantly think about the finish. I envision the church parking lot constantly because that is where we always end. The last mile, I can see the church and just being able to see the place where I will finish, keeps me moving and often makes me pick up the pace. It's in those moments that I can't lose sight of where I am headed, that exhilarating finish in and with God, my true running partner. Along the way I may have to endure a soar muscle, an ache in my side or a an upset stomach, but I put up with it because I see the finish! Life is full of difficult things. Heartache, tragedy, disappointments, whatever you want to call it. Pain we will endure, but we press on. For the finish line is within sight. And for that, I will put up with anything!

And now he's there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls!

I love that! The long litany of hostility he plowed through! Jesus really did it all for us! He plowed through and there is nothing, absolutely nothing we can't do when we run in His strength. I can run the race and have joy. I can run the race and have peace. I can run the race and have strength!

And she runs to the finish line victoriously...

conviction & forgiveness

2007-08-21T23:32:00.000-07:00

Over the last few days, starting with the weekend, I have had this feeling that God was dealing with me on something. I always know when He's trying to get my attention, especially when there is something I need to confess or seek forgiveness on. Sunday, during worship, I figured it out pretty quick. I needed to ask forgiveness regarding my attitude towards the church and towards my fellow Christians. The Lord really convicted me about things that have been going on in my mind and the negative mindset I have taken on. I came to the harsh realization that instead of verbally tearing down what I don't agree with, that I need to pray for understanding and I have to make sure that I am not making the war between fellow Christians worse than it already is. We are ALL on the same team.

Honestly, I am sick of the things I hear people say about Christians. I'm starting to take offense and want to defend my fellow brothers and sisters, as I should! How dare I walk into a church and criticize their message, their music, their vision, their programs and even the wording in their bulletin! That's what I have been doing for a few years now and in a strange kind of way, the Holy Spirit allowed me to feel that judgement I have placed on others as I took part in worship on Sunday. Saturday afternoon, I kept struggling with feeling judged by others. I could not figure out why it was so heavy upon me but I could physically feel it. Then on Sunday morning I felt like the Holy Spirit was revealing that what I felt is exactly what I have been doing to others. And when I am full of judgements, I'm pretty much useless. May sound funny, but I felt dirty, I felt convicted, I felt ashamed by my attitude.

Right now I am trying to find balance and understand what it is God truly wants me to "get" right now. One of the things I am wrestling with is the serving aspect, which I have written a lot about lately. Serving my neighbor, serving my friends, serving my community, serving strangers. I've been thinking about how I have crammed that down your throats in my blog posts and how me talking about serving the community, serving my neighbors, etc. really means nothing to all of you unless I am honest about my own, real life struggle with that word, SERVE. So if I am honest, I can tell you that serving is not the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning. Or at night while my head is resting on the pillow trying to go to sleep, I am not thinking "Who can I serve tomorrow?". I'm not thinking about the meals I can cook to take to a neighbor, cookies I can bake to take to the firehouse in town or signing up to do childcare for Bible study! Instead I am thinking about me, my kids, my husband, my home and all the things I need to get done. And I'm sad to say but I am not thinking about who I can pray for either. I've got a husband and three kids that I need to be praying for and I already feel like I don't do that enough as it is. My kids alone could consume my entire 24/7.

After a talk with my husband and some conviction I've been feeling, I want to ask my readers to forgive me. I think as believers in Christ, if we are truly communing with Him, we are serving. It really is a natural thing. We serve our church, our families and our friends. Maybe some of us need to get better at serving strangers and serving others without trying to get them in church but for the most part, I think we are all pretty much on the same page. Some of us are a little more self absorbed and need to do less talking and more listening as we connect with old friends and new but a lot of us are trying to find value so we are not sure how to let others shine. I, for sure, need to become a better listener and ask my friends and family more questions about their life and their families. That is a HUGE way to serve and I think I've pretty much sucked at that!

I've been beating myself up so much lately thinking about how much I lack in the "serving" area. But Jeremy brought out some really good points about how I have served the church and served my friends. It's funny because I did not look at those things as serving because I enjoyed it! I have always looked at "service" as a dreaded event. The thing is, I do believe that God has called me to minister to others and the way I do it will be different that the way you do it. I'm trying to get back to the basics and not worry so much about thinking outside of the box. I love people, I really do. I thrive on people and I am energized by them so I'm going to keep focusing on people and sharing Jesus in whatever way He shows me.

Please forgive me if I have hurt or offended any of you with prior posts. I pray that God will reveal to you my heart and I pray that He can use this blog to reach ALL kinds of people. I pray that He can use me to speak to new Christians, seasoned Christians and non Christians. If I am true to the woman He has called me to be, I can't help but to be a vessel.

Philippians 1:6, 9, 10 "For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus."And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in real knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve the things that are excellent, in order to be sincere and blameless until the day of Christ."

coming back to the heart of worship

2007-08-21T13:42:00.001-07:00

I've decided to come back to this blog and write for a while. Mama Sings is still up and running but this blog site has always made the REAL ME come out and I feel that God is wanting me to be ME.

Marriage is hard, parenting is hard, relationships are hard, life is hard. I have not wanted to say that in a while because I've been trying to buckle down and roll with life's punches. But I've had a pretty incredible revelation this week and it goes something like this.

2 Corinthians 12
1I must go on boasting. Although there is nothing to be gained, I will go on to visions and revelations from the Lord. 2I know a man in Christ who fourteen years ago was caught up to the third heaven. Whether it was in the body or out of the body I do not know—God knows. 3And I know that this man—whether in the body or apart from the body I do not know, but God knows— 4was caught up to paradise. He heard inexpressible things, things that man is not permitted to tell. 5I will boast about a man like that, but I will not boast about myself, except about my weaknesses. 6Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool, because I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain, so no one will think more of me than is warranted by what I do or say.

7To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Sunday morning I woke up and felt as if I could not be a part of worship that morning. How could I possibly sing on that stage when I was struggling with so much crap on the inside? I felt empty and felt like I truly had nothing to give and was not sure I could even put a smile on my face. So I told God that I couldn't do it and I experienced one of the most awesome worship sets I have ever been a part of. My weakness, my sin, my struggle allowed God to come in and move because I was totally removed. At one point during one of the worship songs, I opened my eyes and saw hands lifted in the air and I could hear people singing. I was unable to sing the rest of the song. It was a moment I will NEVER forget. Everyone was engaged in worship and truly singing to the Lord. You could feel it, you could see it, you could hear it.

My attitude has not been very nice towards the "church". While some of my beliefs and ideas are true for me with this change taking place in my life, my attitude has not been all that great. I felt an incredible amount of encouragement on Sunday when I looked out and saw that everyone was worshipping in unison. I realized that we are all on the same team. My strength will always fall short, but HIS STRENGTH is perfect.

NEW

2007-06-21T16:01:00.000-07:00

Well, I have a new blog. I finally did it! I've been praying about it too. Yes, I pray about my blog. My life is changing so much right now. We've moved from Dallas to Austin to help plant a church and we have all new people in our life. So I think I am going through so many "new" things that I needed a new perspective, a new outlook and a new beginning. A new blog was a must!

It starts here. So when you get a chance, go check it out. I'm not sure what it's all going to be about but a huge part of it will be music. I'm excited! Soon I will have a new template and everything but I am still trying to figure out what design I want. Until then, it's whatever blogger can give me and that means a white template with nothing more than a blog name.

I look forward to writing about all the cool stuff God is doing in my life. I'll be sharing some pictures of the kids, sharing some music, sharing stuff about the church plant and sharing what's on my heart! I hope you will come along for the ride!

Resonate Community Church

2007-06-21T13:26:00.000-07:00

In one week, our core team is headed for Houston for something called Basic Training. There will be many other church plants there as well. It will be a full two days of coaching and I absolutely love the guy that teaches it. I've always thought I am good at connecting with people but there are new things I will learn and be coached on that will challenge and expand all that I know. How can I bring others into Resonate Community? How can I be intentional? How can I serve others? How can I get past people's perceptions of "church" and "Christians"? And that's not even half of it! Not only will it be great to learn a lot of new things to take with us as we plant this church, but spending time with our team will be great. I'm a big goof off and I can't wait to laugh and make others laugh that whole weekend. Oh and Jeremy will be taking off work and that is VERY exciting!

For the past two days I have been getting a vision of our church. I've been thinking about Kyle's messages, the music, the kid's stuff, the greeters, etc. We still have a ways to go but I think it is going to happen MUCH sooner than any of us anticipated! A lot of people don't understand because we aren't meeting yet. It's much easier to have your friends and family go online and listen to a message from your church or invite your friends and family to come to church. OR it would be nice to say, "Hey, this is when we are doing our first preview service. Please come!" But, things are starting to pick up and pick up fast. Our team is ready to move to the next level, that's obvious.

Our Pastor, Kyle, is very creative. He has a ton of knowledge and can tell you stories out of the Bible and apply them to daily life like no one I have ever met. We will have conversations about church, people, etc. and he will give an example from the Bible and I am totally blown away. I told him the other day that I can't wait to hear him PREACH! Another thing is his heart. He ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS, gives people the benefit of the doubt. And thank goodness for that because I need someone to do that for me a lot! He knows his team so well and he knows how to read all of us a hundred miles away. Unfortunately, he knows a lot of my liabilities too because I've served with him before, but he still wanted me here! :) When he encourages one of us on the team, we tend to light up. He has a way of getting us excited. All of that bragging on him to say this. Or church is going ROCK!

When we first came here, I dealt with a lot of fear. Sometimes I still do. I have not been in leadership in a long time and so I get nervous. Self doubt creeps in and then I crumble. But, I'm starting to feel a lot more free. I've always said that if someone feels loved and valued and NEEDED, they can go miles and miles. Little did I know I was referring to myself. Lately I have been feeling that my team needs me and something about that just makes me full.

Good things, I mean great things are happening in Austin! God is moving!

a husband from the boondocks

2007-06-20T09:35:00.000-07:00

The very first time I met my husband, I fell in love with his smile. If you know him, you know he smiles constantly. He is one of those people that always has a smile. And I don't know about you, but I sure need someone like that in my life and I am so blessed that my husband is that person! Not only did I notice his smile but I noticed his slow way of talking and his heavy, Texas accent. People don't always know I am from Texas. I don't really have the accent but Jeremy does and now so does our four year old son. We have a friend with a little girl named Bella. You should hear Josiah say her name!

Anyway, I knew I was in love with a country boy from the boondocks when I heard my husband say, "I raised pigs while I was growing up." Yes, I will never forget this day because for about three months I thought he said, "I raced pigs while I was growing up." Then one day while we were engaged and visiting my parents in Houston, I said, "Mom, Jeremy raced pigs when he was a kid!" All of the sudden, Jeremy looked at me with a crazy look on his face and said, "No, I didn't. What are you talking about?" I reminded him of when he told me that when we first met and he said, "I RAISED pigs, no raced!" Well, if you ask me, I still think the way he said those two words sounded exactly the same but what do I know? I'm just a city girl, born and raised.

Then there was the time Jeremy told me how many people were in his graduating class and how he used to make out with girls and have parties out in the pasture on their land. Or how is Mom owned the only Beauty Shop in town and how his Sister was the Rodeo Queen. That's when it really sank in. Oh and two years ago, he drove me to the small Texas town he grew up in and as soon as he referred to the "Drag" they drove up and down, I knew. I was married to a boy raised in the boondocks!

And one more story for you. A few years ago Jeremy was talking about his boyhood years and told me that he had a Mama cow he was responsible for and she was about to deliver a calf. So one morning he woke up and before he went to school, he checked on her. He said he knew she was close and all day at school he was distracted because he knew she was going to deliver that baby calf. When he got home from school, that's what He did. He helped her and a new baby calf was born. It's funny because when I think of that, I am totally grossed out! Yuck! I don't like animals but his childhood dream was to be a vet.

Jeremy can fix anything, anything. He can build anything, anything! He has a heart of gold and he is the hardest working man I have ever met in my life. Yesterday morning he left the house at 5am and did not get home last night until ten minutes until eleven. This morning he left at 4:45am because he wanted to make sure he was there to help some guys load his sheet rock truck. I'm so proud of him. I just can't help lovin' that man!

Little Big Town is one of my favorite bands. I LOVE this band and LOVE singing all their songs. They kind of remind me of a Fleetwood Mac, who I also LOVE! Here is one of their songs called, "Boondocks". When I see this video or hear this song, I can't help but think of my husband, a real country boy, who adores Hank Williams Jr. and Johnny Cash. Born and raised, he's a real country boy and I would not want to be married to anyone else! I am so blessed!

And that's why I adore him! The man may know NOTHING about the world of technology but he can deliver a calf for crying out loud! Now that's a man's man!

And look what he has made of me! I caught half of those on my very own bait cast pole and I helped filet them too with our electric filet knife. See, a city girl can be taught!

Great news from my Dad!

2007-06-18T22:37:00.000-07:00

The phone just rang and my heart about leaped out of my chest. It was my Dad on the caller id. Our phone never rings past 10pm and usually not past 9pm. Okay, actually it doesn't really ring at night because I think everyone respects family time and bed time is happening with the kids. But, tonight my Dad called. As soon as I answered the phone, he said "Mandi. Nothing is wrong. I have good news. Matt just got saved."

My Dad does not go to church and hasn't for a few decades. I'm not quite sure if He will ever go back to church. A few months before we moved, he got a job at a golf course. The man is totally addicted to golf and from what I hear, he's good at it too. Last week he got a promotion and is now the assistant pro. He is busier than he has been in years and I am so happy for him. This new position also comes with health and dental insurance and that gives me a huge peace of mind. Anyway, he works with a young guy in his twenties, Matt, at the golf course. It seems that my Dad really adores this kid and vice versa. In fact my Dad talks about Matt's golf swing like he talks about my singing. Of course my Dad thinks I am awesome, I am his daughter! But my Dad brags on Matt a lot! Just recently, Matt's girlfriend broke up with him. They had moved in together and planned on getting engaged but soon after renting the apartment, she dumped him. Dad said that he was really worried about him and asked me to pray for him. Dad also said that Matt had been going to a huge church in the area but, quit going because the girlfriend still went there.

While my Dad hasn't been in church in a very long time, I know he still really loves the Lord (not that you have to go to church to love God. PLEASE!). Despite the issues my Dad has had in life, he always knows that God will take care of him. That is something pretty cool that my Dad taught me. My Dad really believes that God is His friend and He taught me the same. He wasn't a perfect Dad but he taught me a lot about God. I've watched this man hurt in some unimaginable ways but still find His way back to God.

Dad said a few weeks back that God had given him a lot of opportunities to talk to Matt about God but he said he wasn't sure if he really got it or not. My Dad also said that the pain of the breakup has made him much more receptive to hearing it too. I honestly believe that my Dad has lost sleep over this kid. He really cares about him. So tonight Matt heard from his girlfriend. She wanted to come pick up some of her stuff later in the week and he "lost it". Inside his apartment he started crying, throwing things and just totally freaking out in anger. All of the sudden, someone knocked on the door. He looked out the window and it was two guys. Matt opened the door and found out it was two guys from a local church. Come to find out, his door was the first door they knocked on. Those two guys led Matt to Christ tonight! He is NOW a Christ Follower!

So my Dad gets a phone call that goes something like this. "Steve, I got saved tonight. I have not been eating, sleeping or anything but now I feel excited. Everything you have been saying made since tonight and those guys told me about Jesus and how I could have a relationship with him so I did it! And now I am on my way out to go eat somewhere. I have not had a full meal in weeks and now I feel like eating. I'm so happy. I don't even care about that relationship anymore! I have so much joy that I can't even explain. I can't get over how filled up I feel!"

Very few churches do "door to door outreach" anymore. I can see the good and bad in that. Regardless, tonight someone knocked on Matt's door and he answered. He was hurting, confused and desperate and now He has a brand new life. Someone wasn't afraid to say the name of Jesus, they just went for it and shared the gospel! Sometimes we make it way too complicated, don't we? Accident that those men knocked on his door tonight? Coincidence? I think not!

Romans 10:8 But what does it say? "The word is near you; it is in your mouth and in your heart," that is, the word of faith we are proclaiming: 9That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. 10For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved. 11As the Scripture says, "Anyone who trusts in him will never be put to shame." 12For there is no difference between Jew and Gentile—the same Lord is Lord of all and richly blesses all who call on him, 13for, "Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved."

Father's Day with the kids

2007-06-18T16:37:00.000-07:00

It was Father's Day, okay? So we spent the day in the house (after a trip to HEB Plus for Jeremy's t-bone steak picking event)acting like kids! Oh and Jeremy picking out meat for the grill is an "event"!

Ava Beth keeps asking to push baby Zekee in the baby doll stroller and I keep saying no. But on Father's Day, I decided it would be fine and Daddy agreed that it would be a great picture! She pushed him around for a second,then I decided that he is too fat and weighs too much for something that was meant to carry a cabbage patch doll! And YES, they are all in either a diaper or underwear! What's the point in getting the older two dressed when they are in and out of their bathing suits? And Zeke has some major acid reflux so putting clothes on him, unless we are going somewhere, is pointless! So all of my babies are pretty much naked in this picture but I still think they look pretty darn cute!

Oh and Father's Day was great! Saturday I handed Jeremy one of my Paula Deen cookbooks and said, "Find a desert. Anything you want and I will make it tomorrow." He chose Mississippi Mud Cake and it was DELICIOUS! I figured he would want me to make him chicken fried steak but he wanted T-bones instead. So we grilled, played with the kids and he wore his new University of Texas t-shirt (our gift for him on Father's Day). I'm sure he would have rather been on a lake somewhere fishing but it was a wonderful day!

I love you Babe! You are the greatest Daddy ever!

Dreaming the impossible

2007-06-18T14:38:00.000-07:00

This particular youtube clip has been circulating the blog scene, so I thought I would join the crowd! Watching this made me think about my own life. No, not about being famous or anything else but something different. See if it speaks to you. And yes, I cried. Who wouldn't?

Painting/decorating/being a mommy

2007-06-18T10:29:00.000-07:00

Painting, decorating and being a mommy, all three at the same time is pretty interesting! I won't even tell you what happened with Ava Beth and the paint! Thank goodness we were in the kitchen! No, I am not finished yet! But, I decided to go ahead and start hanging pictures. Jeremy will flip out when he finds out I did this without the laser level. I would not be surprised if he re-hung them while I am not looking. Oh sure I could use the laser level but why not do it the old fashion way and just use my eye?! Of course I won't be able to do this with some stuff but I will wait for his help on those.

So here it is! The kitchen paint is done and the color is "Gold Coin" from Wal Mart. The Living area and the half bath is "Hoot Owl" from Wal Mart. I've used Lowe's pain and Home Depo before and Wal Mart is just as good (But, don't get the cheapest. Get the middle brand)! I am really loving the brown. This weekend we are going to make some cornice boards for the windows (Jeremy won't mind. He gets to use his table saw! Any excuse for him to use power tools in the garage!) so, now I have to find some fabric. Oh but this is fun! I love doing all this stuff and I know I will feel a lot better when it's done. For the past two and a half months I have had a huge pile in the corner in my living room filled with pictures and decor that have yet to find their place. Finally, I'm getting it done.

my internal compass

2007-06-16T12:46:00.000-07:00

Whenever I am struggling with what to read in the Bible, I go to Psalms. If I had to choose my favorite person in the Bible, it would most definitely be King David. I feel like David is my kindred spirit, someone I can relate to. While David was a powerful warrior, he also endured severe trial and doubting in his life. But David through the Psalms always finds resolve.

If you spend time reading Psalms, you will see that David paints a pretty bad picture. There is trial, turmoil, heartache and even depression. Yet somehow, in the midst of it, David is able to point to the truth. David develops trust and hope in God, no matter what His struggle may be. A trust and a hope that is way beyond external circumstances.

Psalm 32
A Psalm of David. A Contemplation.

1 Blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven,
Whose sin is covered.
2 Blessed is the man to whom the LORD does not impute iniquity,
And in whose spirit there is no deceit.

3 When I kept silent, my bones grew old
Through my groaning all the day long.
4 For day and night Your hand was heavy upon me;
My vitality was turned into the drought of summer. Selah
5 I acknowledged my sin to You,
And my iniquity I have not hidden.
I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the LORD,”
And You forgave the iniquity of my sin. Selah

6 For this cause everyone who is godly shall pray to You
In a time when You may be found;
Surely in a flood of great waters
They shall not come near him.
7 You are my hiding place;
You shall preserve me from trouble;
You shall surround me with songs of deliverance. Selah

8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will guide you with My eye.
9 Do not be like the horse or like the mule,
Which have no understanding,
Which must be harnessed with bit and bridle,
Else they will not come near you.

10 Many sorrows shall be to the wicked;
But he who trusts in the LORD, mercy shall surround him.
11 Be glad in the LORD and rejoice, you righteous;
And shout for joy, all you upright in heart!

In the world we live in, it's pretty easy to search for joy in temporary things. I do it. When I am wanting to be fulfilled, I often look for it in people or things. But David shows that we have to be driven to find it in God and in God alone. The joy has to become branded on our inner self, keeping us from looking for it in the external. I've said many times before that buying a pair of shoes will make me happy. Unfortunately, happiness is temporary. Shoes won't fix my internal struggles! Happiness depends on me doing something to get it. But joy depends on me just being.

When David cries out to God in anguish, He realizes by the end of each Psalm that the anguish is where the treasure lies. In the beginning of the passage, you may read something like "Do not be silent Lord. Hear my cry!" And by the end David is saying, "Oh Lord. You have heard my cry and I have found my strength in you." David knows what His internal compass is. God.

Marriage is full of ups and downs and "off roading experiences". Parenting can be challenging and even grueling. Relationships can be difficult, life can be gut wrenching and overcoming the past can be exhausting. But it's going through those things that I find the greatest joy. It's in the pain and the struggle that I learn to be totally dependent on Him. It's in the process that I learn that I must not rely on doing but being. And through it all, that is how I find joy.

Happy!

2007-06-14T16:43:00.000-07:00

It's been a great day. A HAPPY day! Boy did I need a day like this. It's hard to believe that a day could be so great when your four year old gets FIVE shots and your five month old gets three shots. But through it all, with the the help of a friend, it was success. (Thank you Gina.You have filled me up more than you could ever imagine and you have been a healing balm in a way you could never understand. Don't ever wonder if God is using you, because He is. I will have to share with you HOW He has used you today.)

This afternoon I had a certain song in my head that I could not quit singing. I had heard the song only once until now. We were at church with my parents several months ago and there was a girl there that the pastor introduced as an up and coming Christian artist. I remember seeing her in the congregation before I knew she was a singer. She was beautiful and had a smile that lit up the entire sanctuary. When I found out she was on the gotee record label, I was a little jealous. :) Anyway, when she started singing this song, I got tears in my eyes. I don't think anyone else was crying but there was a line in the song that brought so much joy to my heart. I wanted to add this song to my iPod but I could not remember her name or the name of the song. I just knew she was on the gotee record label. So I looked up gotee records and found her! AYIESHA WOODS is her name and the song is called Happy.

Click on the myspace link I have below and you can listen!

This song has meaning for me in many ways and what was going on in my life back when I first heard it has now passed but it helped me then get through something and today it has done the same. HE is always making beauty out of my mess! Constantly.

Enjoy!

Happy (click here)

I found myself in You

2007-06-14T08:11:00.000-07:00

Something happened this morning that gave me a new perspective. It's pretty amazing how magical the moment was. But first let me share this.

Last night before I went to bed I prayed that the Lord would clearly show me whether or not to call my doctor back in Grapevine and ask for a zoloft prescription. Late yesterday afternoon I had pretty much come to the conclusion that I was depressed, maybe delayed post partum or something. In fact, I felt relieved just being able to say that my problem was depression. For me it's always nice to be able to put a name to something. I guess that way I feel like I'm not crazy. Yesterday was a breaking point. Most of the day was spent crying. Thankfully I had friends calling me on the phone trying to help me through it. Two of those friends prayed for me out loud over the phone and I just got down on my knees, put my head on the ottoman and sobbed while they prayed. One of them, that is ten years older than me and who I have known since I was twenty years old, told me that God would heal me. "You don't need medicine this time. God can heal you Mandi." Something about hearing, "Mandi" made me realize that God was truly speaking to me through her. And from that moment on, things began to shift.

My husband arrived home before 6pm and took all of us out to dinner at Chili's. I cannot even begin to express how badly I needed that. It wasn't so much the fact that I did not have to cook, it was just sitting across the table from my boys and Jeremy and having Ava Beth sitting next to me as we had a calm dinner. The kids behaved, we laughed. we connected. It was a moment that I knew God gave to me as a gift.

After we got home, we sat on the couch and watched two episodes of a TV show we have been watching on DVD. The kids behaved, Jeremy and I sat together and we enjoyed the evening. Bedtime wasn't stressful, it was a good evening.

Ezekiel woke up this morning at 1:30am, 3:30am and then again at 5:30am. He usually sleeps all night but the past couple of weeks the teething has interrupted his sleep and my sleep. But when he woke up at 5:30am, I decided to stay awake. Jeremy did not have to leave the house this morning until 6:30am (that's late for him) so I fed Zeke, put him back to bed and cleaned the kitchen, did some laundry and read my Bible. My accountability group is reading Genesis (which I am very excited about) so I started my reading today out on my back porch with a hot cup of coffee. As I sat there reading I was a little distracted by the birds singing. Seriously, there were tons of birds landing on my fence singing. I find that to be kind of strange in a neighborhood of new construction and backyards with no trees, but there were birds everywhere. But through those birds, I knew God was speaking.

There is just something about getting up early before everyone else does to start my day. Instead of the day controlling me, I get to control the day. Just hearing the sound of the dishwasher running, the washer and dryer running and the coffee pot dripping, while everyone else is sleeping makes me feel like I'm doing my job and giving it my all. I think about my old blog, Far More Than Rubies. The Lord gave me that title when I was studying Proverbs 31. I struggle so much to find my worth in this world and I tend to always loose perspective when I forget that the only one that can show me that my worth is far more than rubies is Jesus. He's the only one. I know that we hear and read about the Lady of Virtue a lot. I have read several blogs that are named after a verse in that passage, just like mine was. It's obvious that women are wanting to find their place, find their worth and seek Him in their daily life. I believe that is why we are drawn to that passage in Proverbs 31. I've tried to be that woman many times and I wonder quite often how she found the strength to do all that is written about her. But the biggest thing in that passage that stands out to me is that "She gets up while it is still dark." Something about that early morning hour have her the solitude she needed, the time she needed to refocus and commit that day to the Lord so that she could be the woman God created her to be.

Yesterday I was convinced that what I have been going through was depression. I'm not against medicine, I think it is a great tool in helping with depression. If that is what God wants me to do, I will do it. Jeremy, my husband, does not feel that this is depression. He truly feels that I have been attacked spiritually and that God is trying to press in and show me something. Reading the book of Genesis reminds me that right now I am in the midst of a new beginning. God is creating so many new things in my life right now and it requires me to commune with Him like never before. This morning I felt the cloud lift. I can see, I can talk, I can feel. It's not foggy like it was. The weight has been lifted. And the only thing I did was pray that God would heal my mind and heal my body. I prayed that He would give me a fresh start. He gave me strength this morning to get up and I feel renewed. I truly believe that I serve a God that heals and I am going to pray that He continues to heal me.

Getting up early won't be easy but I know it's what the Lord wants me to do. I've done it before and then having the third baby kind of threw me off, understandably. It's going to take some accountability (okay A.F.??) and discipline but I truly believe that this is how the Lord wants me to start my day. Please pray for me as I make this commitment. Oh and I must say that seeing Jeremy come down the stairs this morning smiling at me for being up early, made my day! I walked him out the door with his waffles and Dr. Pepper. And that was worth all of it!

Because when I seek Him and seek Him with all of my heart, I will find Him. And this morning I was seeking.
(Jeremiah 29:13)

My heart is full

2007-06-12T23:27:00.000-07:00

This picture was taken back in March but I had to use it for this story. Notice Josiah is drinking a root beer.

Today I spent the day painting. My Mom called and said, "How are you painting with the kids?" And I answered, "Ezekiel is pretty much a perfect baby and sits in the saucer or the swing or the bumbo, Josiah plays with trains, Ava Beth stays at my feet all day begging to help and then two out of three took a three hour nap! That's how I've been painting!" So my kitchen is painted and it is beautiful. My last kitchen was terracotta so I decided to do a color called Gold Coin. I love it. I think the brightness of it cheered me up this afternoon. Seriously, something about the color helped! I think. Or maybe it was the paint fumes!

No, I know what it was. Josiah and I took a break. While Ava Beth and Ezekiel were napping, we went outside to sit under the covered porch. There is a ton of new home construction going on in our area and our home is on the corner so we see all the sheet rock trucks, cement rucks and more. And this makes for great conversation with a four year old boy! When in doubt, talk about trucks! Or root beer! I decided to give him a treat and let him have his very own root beer. Yes, he got the whole can. It took him all day to drink it but just watching him hold that can made me feel all warm and fuzzy because I know he feels like a big boy when he gets his own drink. This time we had root beer from HEB Plus. We got it for free so I decided to not buy the A&W like I usually do. So we are sitting at the table outside and he's looking all big as he sips out of his can. Then he sits the can down on the table and says,

"Mommy, this is HEB root beer. I see the letters. I like it Mommy. It tastes good. I like root beer so much. But when the root beer is hot, it makes me burp. Hot root beer from HEB makes me burp because Daddy gave me one before that wasn't in the fridgerator but in the garage and it made me burp because it was hot. Yep. I don't like hot root beer. I like cold root beer. Thanks for letting me have a root beer mommy."

Seriously. He said ALL of that without stopping. It's funny because I had prayed the night before about my relationship with him. He looks so much like Jeremy and Ava Beth looks so much like me and Ezekiel looks like a mixture that I asked God to show me something in Josiah that he got from me. Something good! And today the Holy Spirit whispered into my ear, "He's a good communicator, like you. He loves to talk, like you. He just wants someone to listen, like you. Have conversations like this with him everyday and you will fill his cup and yours will be filled too."

It's not that Josiah and I don't talk, it's that today I was reminded me of how much I have to be thankful for. He's only going to be four for so long and then he will be sixteen and we probably won't be talking about root beer. Hopefully we won't be talking about any kind of beer! :)

So then I decide to tell him about Sonic's root beer floats and how they are free on Thursday nights! He's never had a root beer float and this Thursday night I think my son is going to experience a little taste of Heaven. Since that conversation, he has talked non-stop about a root beer float from Sonic and he's probably having dreams about it right now. Tonight I go to bed with my heart feeling full. I am blessed, so blessed. Thank you Lord, Jesus for all that you have done and given to me.

And now I must go to bed because my daughter, my clone, my little mini me is standing at my leg saying, "Mama, Mama. I'm a pincess (princess)." SHE SHOULD BE IN BED! I've put her in her bed about five times already! She came out to get her Cinderella, so she says! :) I think she just doesn't want to be away from me. Well, that makes my heart full too. I could scream at her right now but if you heard her little voice, you would know why it's so easy to just pick her up and hold her. She is one amazing little girl. Oh and right now she is obsessed with her little pink bible and she is right this very second saying this to me. "Kyee (Kylie) said, "That's my bible, that's my bible! And Miss Eeka (Miss Erika) said kjkjsagfagfjhsgdfjgasdhfgsjh. Mama, this is my ni gow (night gown), not Kyee's ni gow." I have no idea what Erika said! But she must have said something. I am guessing this happened Saturday night while we were on our date and Kylie and Ava Beth have the same night gown and both had them on Saturday night when we got there so that explains the "ni gow" talk! But I have no idea what happened with Kylie's Bible. I will have to ask Eeka!

Oh and my little Ezekiel. I can't say enough about what a good baby he is. He is so sweet and that smile is incredible. His brother and sister adore him and I think he is going to be a peace maker for sure. He brings so much peace to our family. Out of the three, he is the easiest, most calm baby. I paid my dues with colic and fussy babies so Zeke has shown me that having a newborn in the house can be quite wonderful. Now if he could just stay five months old, I would be fine! Josiah calls his little brother, "Zeekers." Ava Beth calls him, "Zekee baby." Daddy calls him "Chunky Monkey" and I call him "Mommy's angel" because I really think that's what he is! :)

Feeling better tonight. Thank you, thank you so much for your prayers. I have truly FELT each and everyone of them.

Just a note

2007-06-12T14:19:00.000-07:00

In case my slide show below makes you think my life is perfect and happy all the time, let me share the TRUTH.

I'm in a funk. A big one. I am pretty sure that the pain in my chest and the lump in my throat that I struggled with back in February was stress, just like the doctor told me in the emergency room. After running every test in the book, I am told that I am healthy but depressed and stressed. I never understood that because I did not feel depressed but apparently my body thought otherwise. Now I KNOW the doctor was right because my chest has pain again and my throat constantly has a lump in the back where it feels like I am going to cry at any moment.

But this time it's different. My mind is so clouded right now that I can't even answer simple questions about how I'm feeling. My very good friend, Tiffany, tried to get to the bottom of it this morning and for the first time ever in my life, I could not even find the words to explain.

The date night? Well, you see happy pictures from the date night in the slide show. Those pictures were truly happy moments but it ended on a very sour note. I was sharing a dream of mine with my husband while we sat in the Irish Pub on 6th street in Austin. But what he said after I finished totally crushed me. It killed me! In fact, I cried right then and cried the whole way home and most of the night because I couldn't sleep. Our husbands can say something to make us melt or they can say something to make us fall to our knees in pain. The thing he said to me that night was pretty rough.

This depression I am experiencing is not one where my kids aren't safe or anything like that. And it has nothing to do with me not being safe either. But it is something where I am crying a lot and feeling very alone. I'm sure many moms and wives have gotten to this place, I know they have. I just never thought I would end up there too. Being a wife and a mom is my career. It's everything! So what happens when you feel totally tapped out? Even the reserves are empty! How do I get out of this depression and start enjoying puzzles, coloring, playing? How to I get control of my schedule, my house and my attitude towards my husband? I'm praying and reading God's word but I have hit a wall and feel like I can't go any further.

If those of you that are reading this could pray for me, that would be great. It took a lot for me to put this out there. I do have some pride issues going on. Yes, I am pretty open and honest about my life on here but I would ask you to not type a comment out of haste. Respect the fact that I am just needing someone to fill my tank a little and someone that can say, "You are normal. Give yourself a break." Not quite sure I can handle tough love right now or as my husband likes to say, "You need to buckle down and do what you gotta do." Nope, that doesn't help!

But I did feel like I needed to be honest and not let those pictures deceive any of you that may be struggling. We have happy times but also tough ones too.

Summer is here!

2007-06-12T12:27:00.000-07:00

Oh the Bob Armstrong dip!

2007-06-09T10:27:00.000-07:00

So THIS is where we are going for our date! I am so excited! I think I am going to starve myself all day long so I can enjoy the Bob Armstrong Dip, some fajitas and a frozen margarita! The Bob Armstrong Dip is amazing. Matt or Matt Jr has a restaurant in Dallas and I used to eat there a lot. The Bob Armstong dip is YUMMO! Okay, now I am REALLY excited!

Oh and Mexican food is our favorite food and Texas is the best place on earth to eat it!

A Shirazzy night!

2007-06-09T00:00:00.000-07:00

It's been a long week for me. There are weeks that seem to fly by. I can always tell it's going fast when Wednesday night comes and I realize the next day is trash day. Sounds silly but, trash day seems to bring it all home for me. That's when I have this thought in my head that goes like this. "It seems like we just had trash day. I can't believe it's already the end of the week again."

When I was a kid, time seemed to drag. Six weeks seemed like an eternity! Especially when six weeks was the amount of time left until Summer vacation. Or what about waiting on Christmas? Remember that? It took forever to arrive, or so it seemed. But something about being an adult makes time seem like it moves at lightening speed. Except this week, time was slow. My entire Tuesday was spent thinking it was Wednesday and there is nothing more disappointing than realizing your a day off.

So that's the kind of week I have had. I feel like I've been a day off all week long. Thankfully my Friday seemed to close the week out good. My friend Ruth told me to bring all three of my kids to her house so I could spend some time alone. It took some convincing because I did not want to burden her but I gave in and had a day to myself. It was absolutely amazing! Old Navy, Hobby Lobby and Bath and Body Works! All of them I went experienced alone! Today I went into a dressing room with just me and some hopefuls. The hopefuls were the things I was trying on of course but it truly was incredible to try on clothes without talking between my teeth, making threats. It was nice to not have to spend all of my change on the Old Navy bouncy ball machine. Ava Beth always throws her bouncy ball, loses it and I have to ask a stranger if they have change for a dollar or a quarter for two dimes and a nickel. And trying to get two identical balls out of that machine is impossible, which makes the sibling rivalry even worse than it already is. "I want that one. I like Siah's. I want that one." Ezekiel is easy. He is never the one to make me want to scream in public at my children. It's the four year old and two year old that make me want to scream, "Calgon take me away! FAR FAR AWAY!" But I sure love those little boogers, I just don't love shopping with them! I also got to eat lunch with a new friend, Liz (Jeremy's boss/friend's wife). Another great thing! I ate lunch, talked and did not have to worry about anyone else. Even though they were not with me, I still got to the table at Taco Cabana with a huge pile of napkins. Habit! I'm a Mom, what can I say? And Moms are known for their piles of napkins at the table! The shopping, the lunch, they totally recharged me. I feel like I could go for miles now. Isn't it amazing what a little time away can do?! (Thank you Ruth Anne. THANK YOU. I adore you and I love you! And I am ready for you to bring Bella and Angelo to me!)

Before we moved here, we had a date night every Friday night. But since we have moved, it hasn't really happened. Tomorrow night it is going to happen!! Kyle (RC Pastor) and Erika are keeping all three kids while we go on a date!!! Erika offered and I did not argue because I know how bad we need it. So tomorrow night we are eating out somewhere fun! Maybe on 6th street in Austin. I don't know yet. I'm going to do some research tomorrow and find a place. (Austin people, any suggestions?) I don't think I have been this excited about a date in a long time. (Thank you Erika. I love you my friend and I can't wait to keep Kylie AND Katharine!) So tomorrow late afternoon, I'm gonna get all prissy and sassy and dress myself up for my hot date! I think I might even paint my finger nails! Who knows, maybe we will make out in the car! :) HA!

And all of that brings me to this. I just came in from sitting out on the covered, back porch, where I drank a glass of my favorite wine. Yellow Tail Shiraz. Just me sitting on the porch, sipping my wine while everyone sleeps. Ahhhh...the weekend. I love the weekends! Tomorrow morning Jeremy is working for a little while at UT. GO LONGHORNS! The kids and I are going to go over there too. I've never been to The University of Texas and I am so excited!!! Maybe I will run into an alumni! You know, Matthew McConaughey?! You never know!! Regardless, there is a Buffalo Exchange near the campus and that gets me really excited!

Yes, the week was slow and a little rough on me. We all have weeks like that, I'm sure. But tonight as I sat outside and drank a glass of my favorite wine, I felt excited! For tomorrow night is the night! I have a date folks! A date!!!

Cheers!

Choose your blend

2007-06-07T23:12:00.000-07:00

Now don't anybody get mad! Some friends and I have been having lots of conversations lately about the "church". We like to talk it out and I thought these pictures were kind of funny considering all that we've been chatting about. If you don't get it, don't freak out. I'm not dogging my church or your church. Okay? :)

Must share

2007-06-07T22:46:00.000-07:00

If you went to my Pastor's blog and read his post that I talked about earlier today, then I think you should also go read this. Brent has an awesome point of view.

There seems to be so much conflict these days between the Traditional church and the Emergent church. I am finding that the two have conflict over things that are not Heaven or Hell issues. We have the same goal, so why not support one another? Some people like Mexican food, some like Italian. Both are satisfying but I prefer one over the other.

Still limping a little

2007-06-07T15:36:00.000-07:00

Men don't understand this. They never will. They just can't! My husband usually thinks I am insane when he hears me on the phone. He laughs when I get off the phone with my friends because I usually say, "I love you" before hanging up. The other day I did not say it when I was on the phone with someone. I honestly don't even remember who I was talking to. When I hung up, he said "Are y'all not at that place yet? You haven't told her you love her yet?" He ALWAYS makes fun of me with this stuff!

I do LOVE my friends. Life without them would not be possible and yesterday proved to me why!

My friend Gina showed up at my house yesterday, put my car seats in her car and said, "I'm dropping off Josiah and Adrianna (her 4 year old) off at Erika's house for a play date and YOU and the other two kids are coming with me. You aren't getting out of this. You are going! You can clean later! Put your makeup on in the car, get your butt (she may have said ass) dressed. I will be back in five minutes." Okay, so do you think I went? Your dang strait I went! Gina is a New Yorker and I was not about to argue with her. You see when you are Gina's friend, you are pretty much family too. That's what I love about her and her husband, Chris. Your family and they love you! They even kiss you and hug you when they see you! And it's not weird, it's awesome! Oh and my kids? She loves them too! She adores them!

This is why we need friends. We need someone that can come along, help us get our crap together and go! It was tough with the kids but it was all worth it! I needed that trip to Bath and Body Works! And she bought me something too. :) I said, "Gina, going into Bath and Body Works before payday while their sale of the year is going one is like taking a kid in Toys R Us and telling them they can't get anything!" And she said, "Well, pick something out. I'm buying you something!" Some may think that was rude to pick something out for myself. But, if I would not have done so, she would have been mad! She means business!

I needed her yesterday. I needed that so much. Erika calling and asking if Josiah could come over and play, I needed that. Cindy calling me this morning to see if both older kids could come play today, I needed that. My friends help me through so much and when they love my kids, I know they love me. I need that.

Sometimes I struggle to accept this new season in my life and to allow others around me to help me. But, I am getting better. Three years ago, I got injured. It was like I broke my leg and wore a cast for three years. Finally I was done with the crutches but, now I have a limp. Even though the leg is healed, it's hard to trust that I can put my full weight on it and not fall and hurt it all over again. So, I walk with a limp. Thankfully I have friends here to help me get over that limp.

A post worth reading

2007-06-07T12:07:00.000-07:00

Click here to read something Kyle/our Pastor wrote on his blog. I am excited to serve with someone that thinks this way. :)

I'll be back later to write my own post that will probably have nothing to do with this. :) But I really enjoyed his post today.

What's on my iPod (too many to list all)

2007-06-06T15:53:00.000-07:00

*forgot one that I recently added* So I added one more at the bottom!

I'm pretty worn out right now. When it comes to me typing out a meaningful blog, nothing comes. So I thought I would share some favorites on my Ipod right now! Music is my hobby so any spare time I get (HA!) is spent listening to music.

Lovesong by The Cure

When The Stars Go Blue by Tim McGraw

Somewhere Only We Know by Keane

She Will Be Loved by Maroon 5

2 The Sky by Robin Thicke

Leave The Pieces by The Wreckers

Don't You Forget About Me by Simple Minds (Makes me want to watch Breakfast Club! My favorite!)

Southbound 35 by Pat Green

Leaving for Paris No. 2 by Rufus Wainwright

Who Knew by Pink

Touch by Seal

Take On Me by A-ha (I can still see this video in my head!)

Drifting by Bebo Norman

Like A Star by Corinne Bailey Rae

It's Not Over by Daughtry

Colored People by DC Talk

Money For Nothing by Dire Straits (Reminds me of my MTV days as an elementary kid)

Big Love by Fleetwood Mac

Sentimental Journey by Doris Day (HA!)

Something About You by Level 42

Me and Charlie Talking by Miranda Lambert

Wonderwall by Oasis

P.S. Blake Lewis sang the first four songs on the list on AI. Now you know why I love him!

Made Me Glad

2007-06-05T11:09:00.000-07:00

Okay, I got lots to do with the kids today but this morning I was trying to get myself in worship mode and this song really takes me there. I was so excited to find this song in youtube WITH the words. Seeing the words helps my spirit soak it up even more. About a year ago, we were going to church with my parents and I sang in the choir for a little while. I remember singing this song and looking out and seeing college kids on their knees, singing this song to the Lord. Just seeing that in my head, reminds that we are all in need of a Savior and while yesterday was a hard day, today is a new day. For the joy of the Lord is truly my strength and HE has MADE ME GLAD!

June 5th last year

2007-06-05T10:40:00.000-07:00

I decided to go back to my old blog for some inspiration. It's kind of weird to go back and look at what was going on a year ago. But, one year ago today I post this. Never did I think I would read it a year later and find comfort. Don't you just love how God works? He is such a personal God, he truly is my friend!

If you have a moment, read last year's entry.

Today is a new day!

Don't worry, the sun is coming out!

2007-06-04T23:29:00.000-07:00

Over the past couple of weeks there have been some questions raised about my blog. Nothing bad, just questions asked. Who am I trying to reach? Am I only writing to minister to "Seasoned Christians"? Should I change what I write so it would be more appealing to non-believers? It's something I have thought long and hard about. I've been having conversations with God about this a lot. The more I pray to find out the purpose of this blog, the more I feel like the Lord is showing me that my purpose is the same. When I started this blog almost two years ago it was to share the things God is showing me in my own life. By doing that, I knew that the Lord would use it to speak to other women like myself. Before I knew what a blog was, I wrote devotions. It all started one day when I was writing them on email and sending them out to every single person I knew. I was twenty years old and attended a gigantic church in the Dallas area. One of my friends was the sports pastor at the church and had been reading my devotion emails. He asked me if I would be able to write sports oriented devotions for all of the basketball games and flag football games. Of course I agreed and began writing a new devotion every single week. The devotions became a hit and it was then I realized that God spoke to me in an incredible way where others could relate.

A friend of mine has a cake/cookie business and one day she told me that I should write my devotions on a blog. I did not know what a blog was but she showed me her blog and I decided I would try it. And that's how my blogging story goes! I may not always write in a devotion format but I know I am serving my purpose by sharing the things I do. Sometimes it's big. Sometimes it's my guts. Sometimes it's just random crap! But whatever it is I am sharing, it's the real me and for some reason this is the ONE place I don't feel bad or disgusted with who the real me is. Blogging has been a powerful tool in my life, a healing balm. Some have said I share too much. Some have said that I should filter more or be more careful how I package things. I tend to disagree with that because I am being ME on this blog with a clean heart.

One of my biggest struggles in life is trying to change who I am. In the Dr.Phil world that we live in, some might think changing yourself is a good thing. Bad habits, yes. Destructive behavior, yes. But, that's not my issue. My issue is me wishing I was more quiet. Me wishing I was less emotional. Me wishing I wasn't so much a talker. Me wishing I was more quiet. Yes, I know I wrote that twice. There is a reason for that. My insecurities are real and I know there is no way on earth I am the only woman in this world that has them so, why not share them?!

Who am I trying to reach through this blog? It's funny because I never really thought about it. I just always felt like God was leading me to share. I never really put anyone in a category or tried to figure out WHO or WHAT kind of person. I use a lot of scripture and talk about Christian living a lot so my blog probably would be for a Christian woman. Again, I never really thought of it that way but I guess it makes sense. Would non-believers or seekers be totally freaked out by my writing? I know what I think but I am sure there are many ways to look at that.

Last week I seriously considered changing my blog. I asked God to show me what I needed to do. For several days I sat on it, thought about it constantly and asked Him to show me anything I might be missing. I know, I know, it's just a blog! Who cares! Right? Finally after about four days, I knew what God wanted me to do. Leave it! The title may change or the appearance may change, but the content, the tone, those two will remain. Do you know how great it would be if I could just get on here and write out recipes or tell you stories about my kids? Or I know I can be funny so I why not get on here to make people laugh? That would be much more enjoyable in my opinion and those kinds of bloggers get "Blogging Awards". Who wants to read about a horrible childhood and struggles with marriage and difficulty in loving yourself?! Many times I have sat down at my computer to begin typing something, only to delete because the Holy Spirit is leading me to write something else.

A couple of weeks ago I was on the phone with my friend Janna. She said something to me that keeps coming back to me. Usually I don't process things for that long but her comment has been something I can't quit thinking about. I am paraphrasing but I will try to type what she said. "I've known you for a long time and you haven't changed. The stuff you talk about now, you were talking about then. I always knew I could come to you for the real life stuff. Despite all of your family issues, you remained steady. You didn't change." Tonight I have decided that what she said is probably the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. I spend so much time in self condemnation and struggling with who I am that I forget how far I have come. I forget the odds I have beaten and the past that I have found victory over. My best friend, Rebecca, tells me all the time "You don't give yourself any credit. You never have." She is right. I don't. But, I am realizing how much I need to. Somewhere in my life, someone taught me that I wasn't good enough. I was too loud, talked too much, asked too many questions and pissed too many people off, that I am shocked when someone thinks I am awesome. I really want to believe in myself but I am not sure how.

Yep. This is a pretty revealing blog and it's the kind I will wake up to in the morning and want to delete! My motivation is not for your praise and it's not for your comments. This was totally for me. And maybe, just maybe, someone will understand because they can relate to those guts of mine! That's what it's all about. That's why I blog!

It's raining today. Again.

2007-06-04T13:33:00.000-07:00

It's finally caught up with me. I've been doing everything possible to avoid it and everything possible to keep myself from admitting it. For the first time during my life as a blogger, I am scared to type what I am about to type. Fear runs through my veins because I know somewhere out there, someone is waiting to judge me, correct me or fill my inbox or comment box with unwanted advice. But, if I don't confess, if I don't come clean and admit what I am dealing with, I am afraid I will only get worse.

I am depressed.

As I type this post, I hear loud rolls of thunder outside the windows. For some reason I usually find comfort in the storm. It makes me feel cozy and warm. Something about seeing the dark, cloudy sky reminds me that this is the time to stay inside all nestled up. The storms always make me want to curl up on the couch and sleep or shut all of the blinds and watch a movie in the dark. Lately I have heard a lot of people say how much they enjoy the Summer. But for me, I enjoy the cold winter. The winter just makes me feel safer for some reason.

Before moving two months ago, my husband left at 7:15am in the morning and arrived home at anytime between 5:30pm and 7pm. Most days it was around 6pm. He had just gotten to a place in his job where his schedule was predictable and with three kids, it was nice knowing when Daddy would be home. Every Friday night or every other Friday night, we had a date. It was a given! Friday nights were ours and other nights too, if we wanted. Grandparents were within a few miles and rarely did they say no if they were needed. Now, he leaves at 5:30am and doesn't get home until 7pm or 8pm or 9pm or 9:30pm. And the Grandparents? Well, they are all pretty busy. A few of them don't even have time to come visit and the ones that do have to hurry back. It's not their fault, they are just busy and we live three hours away. Some family, since we have moved, don't even call. And as time goes by, our kids forget about who we left behind and I am beginning to understand why.

Friends were something I had too. I did not have a lot but I had a few that were constant sources in my life. If I wanted to spend time with them, if I needed them, they were there. We knew each other so well that there was no time I had to spend getting to know them. There weren't any questions in my mind as to whether or not they truly loved me. It was a given. We had something granted to us that was a wonderful gift, time. Time had made our friendship strong, time had showed us that no matter what, our friendship would remain. And I find that to be a very comforting and wonderful thing.

Today, I am depressed. Maybe it's the rain, maybe it's the fact that I have had sick kids for a solid week or maybe it's the fact that my old friends are busy with life three hours away that we don't talk as much. Maybe it's the fact that my new friends are still learning me and I am still learning them and we don't talk on the phone or see each other as much as old friends. I'm lonely, I am sad and my parenting is at an all time LOW. I've yelled, I've spanked, I've cried. And in six years of marriage, I have never felt so disconnected from my husband as I do now.

I'm not sure what I need to do. Maybe I need medicine. I've been on it before for anxiety and I think it worked. But, our insurance does not kick in for two more months at the new job. Maybe I need a date night with my husband. But that is probably not going to happen for a few more weeks and my pride doesn't want one because that means I will have to plan it. He doesn't plan dates. Right now, I am feeling selfish. I want it to be about me. I want to hear what an incredible amazing woman I am or mom I am or wife I am. But, I am going to have to rely on the Lord to fill me up because no one else is.

When I was single, I remember being very lonely. When I got married, that was resolved instantly. But today, that same haunting feeling has returned and I am a little confused about everything right now.

Thankfully, I know where to go. I know who to turn to. So I am asking Jesus to help me today. I sure need it! I'm in the midst of a storm and usually I find comfort in staying in and drawing close to the Lord. But today, the storm is a little scary. I need some sunshine.

A friend of mine told me before we moved that we were leaving our Egypt. Well, I am afraid I know why those Israelites took so long to get to their destination because right now Egypt sounds pretty damn good.

You mean I'm normal???

2007-06-03T16:11:00.000-07:00

I never feel normal. Really, I don't. When Jeremy and I have arguments/fights, I think I am the only one in the world that gets royally ticked at her husband. I know, I know. We all get mad at our husbands but sometimes I think I am the only one. :)

Beth Moore's blog today made me laugh so hard that I had to share with you. I've had an entire WEEK like this! Did you know that we had TWO full moons in May? Yes, two! (Seriously, we did. Read about it online, google it.) Maybe that explains my PMS from hell. Sorry men! I doubt there are any men that read this but just in case, sorry.

So here's to Beth! She has made me feel normal once again. And if you have not figured it out by now, I am a huge Beth Moore fan!

Read this for a good laugh!!

Chocolate Prailine Cake

2007-06-03T15:15:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine made this cake for me for my birthday and I loved it so much that I asked for the recipe. She got it from The Cake Doctor. I have The Cupcake Doctor and have made delicious cupcakes from it. So, I am getting The Cake Doctor this week off Amazon! Anyway, the recipe is also on the Internet. If you are interested in making this delicious cake, click here.

I have now made this cake twice and it is so good and easy that I made one today! :) YUMMO!

And I am never buying cool whip again. It's too easy to make your own and taste so much better!

MEANT TO WORSHIP

2007-05-31T23:24:00.000-07:00

There is something so powerful about music. I have written about this before but I feel like writing it again. Music just gets me to that place I need to be. It's so much a part of me that I truly can't get through the day without. Yes, it's my dream to be a worship leader. I don't really do very well with all the fluffy words in between. You know how a lot of worship leaders say all kinds of stuff while they are leading?? I mean I can pray and I can talk but, the fluff in between is what scares me. I don't play a musical instrument. I did take guitar lessons for a few months but someone borrowed my guitar and I never got it back. It was a beautiful, Martin guitar. My parents got it for me when I graduated from High School since I was moving to Nashville to be famous. Oh right! I did not move to Nashville and I did not become famous! :) Anyway, I have really been wanting to start trying to play the guitar again. We shall see. But I have been wondering how I could ever lead worship and not play an instrument and then I think of my friend Tiffany that led without an instrument. She held a microphone, sang and led! I know how to communicate music and as long as I am worshipping, I think I could lead others in the same direction. When it comes to a band, I know how to tell a drummer what I need or a guitar player what I need. So yes, maybe I could do it. Only, there's one other problem. Confidence.

Sure I can sing in front of a million people and be fine but, being the main man, I mean the main gal, that scares me. I've lead worship before by filling in when someone is away and I have led at very small churches but thinking about leading makes my heart flutter. Thinking about this has really made me realize how NOT confident I really am. I think I am, but I am not. Maybe that's good because it would be ALL God doing it through me. You know? There are many reasons why I lack confidence and that's what I have to work through.

For now I am trying to figure out how I can get a few coffee shop gigs or something like that. Today I realized that when I am singing or worshiping, I feel like I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. Music truly brings everything together for me. At heart, I am an entertainer. Even now, when I am singing to my kids or singing in the car or singing in the middle of my kitchen like I did today, I envision a crowd. Seriously. Today I was in the middle of my kitchen singing at the top of my lungs a Sixpence None The Richer song called, Trust In The Lord and I saw a crowd. It's weird. I don't know why, I just do. And I was still worshipping. I pray that God is preparing me to use my gift again. I pray it is soon. I pray that I get to sing in coffee shops and maybe make a CD. I don't wish to be famous, I wish to be used.

All of that to say that the song I have posted below is a song I would like sing at our church or have a guy sing because I don't know if this song could be arranged for a girl or not. Some may think it's a little much for church, I don't. This song tonight was a song I found myself worshipping to. I'm not sure I could be a worship leader that only sings Christian music. Switchfoot is a crossover band so I wouldn't say they are a secular band but there is a lot of music out there that has a powerful message that could speak to us. But, this is a girl that sang Pat Bentar's, "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" during a church service on marriage! :)

This song is called, MEANT TO LIVE. The line that got me was, "We want more than this world’s got to offer". Thanks for reading my rambles and listening to the songs I love! Now click below and listen to MEANT TO LIVE!

Fumbling his confidence
And wondering why the world has passed him by
Hoping that he’s bent for more than arguments
And failed attempts to fly, fly

We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside
Somewhere we live inside
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside

Dreaming about Providence
And whether mice or men have second tries
Maybe we’ve been livin with our eyes half open
Maybe we’re bent and broken, broken

We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside
Somewhere we live inside
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside

We want more than this world’s got to offer
We want more than this world’s got to offer
We want more than the wars of our fathers
And everything inside screams for second life yeah

We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?

Consume Me

2007-05-31T18:13:00.000-07:00

Just felt like posting a song from one of my favorite bands. I wish they were still together! Their Supernatural tour was the best concert I have ever been to! We sang this song at my old church. It's a fun song to sing BGV's to. (AKA-background Vocals)

Sometimes I forget how much awesome Christian Rock/top 4o music is out there. We need another DC Talk.

The Mantle (part I)

2007-05-31T11:29:00.000-07:00

It was hard leaving my old house before moving here. It was hard for a lot of reasons. But the thing that made it the most difficult was knowing how hard I had worked to make that home, my home. My home was an expression of who I was and who my family was. Every room was painted, every room was decorated, every room was a place where I had put my touch and made it my own. Jeremy and I worked hard to buy things for it and decorate it. When people came over, I was proud of it. At Christmas time, I enjoyed it the most. My gigantic Christmas tree, my touch of Christmas here and there, it was greatness. The thing that stood out to me the most when we first saw that house, was the mantle over the fireplace.

The mantle jumped out at me as soon as the realtor walked us through the home. It was strong, it had presence. There was something about it that just brought the family room together. Instantly I could see pictures of my kids sitting across the mantle, garland wrapped with Christmas lights at Christmas time and stockings hanging with my children's names. The mantle was a perfect representation of our family. The mantle set the tone for our entire house.

When we moved I was really struggling with leasing. I knew leasing was the only option due to our bankruptcy. Home ownership will not be in the picture for at least a couple of years. So even though our names are not on the deed to this house, I long to make this house feel like my home. The investor that built this home was excited to get us in here. He built it and it sat for six months before we came along. Thankfully, the property management company got approval for us to paint! So we have been here about two months now and I have not been able to find the time to get started on painting and I have been struggling big time with trying to get this home to feel like my own.

Before moving, I felt like my family was on a schedule. I was organized, my days were organized and I felt motivated. Since being here, understandably, I have struggled to get back on that track. Since I know I am going to paint, I have held off on hanging pictures. The walls are white and empty. Lately I have found myself feeling depressed or completely out of sorts here. So I asked a friend to pray for me and she said something that made perfect sense. "You know what it is Amanda? You need to paint, you need to decorate your home. When you have it all put together, you will feel put together and you will feel better. It will help you get a schedule." Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! It was a "GOD STOP" as Beth Moore describes in many of her Bible Studies. God used the words of a friend to tell me EXACTLY what I needed to do in order to feel like the heart of my home again.

This morning I walked downstairs and noticed the mantle in the center of our family room. There are no pictures of the kids, nothing up there that represents my family. The room isn't really functioning until I see a part of us there. Right now, the only thing I am able to notice is the emptiness. I long to make the mantle the center of my home. For I know that what I place on the mantle will cause the entire home to come together and flow like it's meant to.

There have been seasons in my life where I feel like something is missing. I can't put my finger on it, something just doesn't seem right. A few years back, Jeremy and I came to a place in our lives where everything seemed empty. We were both believers, Christ followers, but there was something that we were missing. Before I finish this thought, let me say this. Even when we make the decision to follow Christ as our Lord and Savior, we will have seasons in our life that bring about a crisis of belief. It's not so much a crisis of belief about Christ, but just life and circumstances. For us, we were questioning everything around us. Wherever we went, our minds and hearts were unsettled. I remember walking into church on Sundays and my mind felt like an out of tune radio station. There was nothing but static! My skin began to crawl. I cannot remember a time in my life where I felt as uncomfortable as I did then. Just thinking about it makes me anxious! One day after Jeremy and I got home from church, we decided to start praying about our circumstances. As we did, God began to show us that we had lost focus on what truly mattered in life. Instead of Christ being at the center of our family, He was no where to be found. Sure, we prayed, we still believed in Him but, our actions, our time, our energy was not centered around Him. It's interesting how you can be so busy going to church, bible studies and all the "Christian" things, yet miss the main point of it all.

Today I am at the place again. Not with my church, not with those around me but in my home. It's my home that I am finding I am most stressed, worried and afraid. Order is missing, discipline is missing, an atmosphere of thankfulness is missing. It's here that I feel my mind resembles an out of tune radio station. And again, I think of the empty mantle in my family room.

You see, Christ is my mantle. He is the one that envelops me and covers me. That is why I need to do everything possible to make sure He remains at the center of my life. When others come into my home, I want them to feel the power of the mantle. And that will show by the love and support they feel when they are here. It's not so much about focusing on how great my house is decorated or how good my house looks, but it's about me making this house, MY home. It's also symbolic for the person that I am. When my home is out of whack, so is everything else. As women, I think we all struggle with this and we all know how incredible it feels when everything is folded and put away! Instead of all the clothes on the couch or in my chair in the bedroom, it's put away. When Christ is my mantle, everything seems to flow. Everything is centered around it and I can't help but to exude peace and love to others.

Today my prayer is that I will be covered with a mantle of strength. I need strength to do the things necessary to get this house in order. If that means paint, I need strength to do it. Especially with three kids! Today my prayer is also to be covered with a mantle of peace. My spirit has been anxious but I long to be relaxed and finally feel like THIS is my home.

If you don't mind, i could really use your prayers. I need a boost! And part II to this post will come and there will be a new picture of a new mantle.

IT'S ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-05-30T21:45:00.000-07:00

No doubt, it's on it's last leg or flash! But my wonderful husband got it to work! And he took this!

Here it is folks! And yes, it hurt and yes I feel like I have an eternal BOOGER in my nose. I can't pick my nose or pop zits near as good as I used to! Sorry Mom! That did not sound very lady like now, did it? Oh and I notice it looks kind of red in the pictures but it's not that red in person. I have to keep this one in for eight weeks and then I can get a smaller stud. But this one I like too and it's just a white diamond-like stone.

My camera bit the dust!

2007-05-30T17:24:00.000-07:00

I was all ready to show you a picture of my nose ring. Today I have on makeup, the hair is fixed, etc. so I figured today would be a good picture taking day. But, I am just about to cry as I type this, our camera is DEAD!

Jeremy surprised me and bought this camera when I was 28 weeks pregnant with Josiah. Josiah is now almost four and a half years old! We paid $400 for this 3.0 mega pixel Olympus Camera and it has taken so many pictures of my babies! Good pictures too! I've been looking on Craigslist and Ebay trying to figure out how we can get a new camera. They are still pretty expensive. Not near as bad as they used to be but, still pricey! I can't LIVE without a camera! It's a must! I have a three kids for crying out loud and one of them is only four and a half months old! He has two teeth coming in right now that I have yet to snap a picture of! UGH! I am so mad!

So if you hear of any amazing deal on cameras, let me know! I am totally bummed! :( I will just have to take my frustration out on my turkey burgers I am about to mush together for the grill!

something worth sharing

2007-05-30T16:11:00.000-07:00

If you go to youtube, look at how many hits this video has had! A 15 year old girl created this. Pretty cool! They have been playing this on Fox news a lot today.

I don't think we even realize sometimes what is going on in our world. I don't have any family there and I don't have any friends there. But, today I have been thinking about how much these men and women need to be at the forefront of my mind. They truly need our prayers.

My babies!

2007-05-29T21:50:00.000-07:00

Jeremy's mom just emailed this to me. Her friend took it when they visited them a few weeks back. I wish I could have had their outfits a little more color coordinated but this picture is still amazing! Wow. I am blessed. I am so proud of you Josiah, Ava Beth and Ezekiel! You are my favorite people in the whole world and I love you!

This is my 3rd post today

2007-05-29T13:49:00.000-07:00

Okay, so this is the 3rd time I have posted today but, I am asking for some help. The blog I had before this one, Far More Than Rubies, was a great chapter in my life. Something Beautiful has been even better! But now, I am ready for Chapter three and I want a new blog title. So if you have any ideas, post a comment. I would really like something that describes me. It doesn't have to have a Scripture attached. I'm really open to whatever. Since I love Doris Day Movies, I looked through all of her old movies last night looking for a fitting title but, no luck.

Get creative ladies! I'm ready for a blog makeover!!!

A new hole in my nose!

2007-05-29T13:45:00.000-07:00

Okay so put away all that old time religion because this thirty-one year old, Christ follower, Wife and Mommy to three, got her nose pierced! It's just a tiny little diamond-like stud and I love it. Jeremy called me his little rebel yesterday and I thought that was funny. Something funny did happen though. While I was standing in line at this tattoo/piercing place in Austin, my cell phone started ringing. My ring tone has been the American Idol theme song lately. I always change it to that during the AI season. I wasn't even thinking but when it went off, the guy with about fifty different piercings looked at me like I was insane and he told me to turn it off. "Turn THAT off." He then rolled his eyes. I guess my ring tone was not very complimentary to the Ozzy Osborne already playing!

Many of you have emailed asking me if I did it so now you know! I did it! This year I will not be attending our family reunion that is in two weeks. There I would be surrounded by some relatives that may think I am going to hell in a hand basket! :)I think my Grannymaw would have a cow but then again she may not even be able to see it. :)

I think I find a lot of freedom in being a Christian woman that is not afraid to express herself. I pray that God can use it to show others that ALL Christians are not as legalistic and crazy as some think! Well, crazy is a tough one because I am crazy! :)Maybe it's best to look like a punk rocker!

A Five course meal

2007-05-29T13:19:00.000-07:00

It's never fun dealing with a house full of sick kids and all three of my kiddos are sick. Ava Beth threw up the night before last, a lot, then got a high fever and had fever early this morning. The Ezekiel woke up at 2am with a fever. Last night Jeremy slept on the couch and I had all three kids with me. Ava Beth was on a pallet directly next to my bed, with a big blue bowl next to her in case she threw up again. Poor thing carried that bowl around with her every where she went yesterday. Then Ezekiel was in bed with me because I wanted him close by since he had a fever. I don't sleep well with kids in my bed and Ezekiel sleeps horrible unless he is in his crib. Josiah slept on a pallet at the foot of my bed. Needless to say but worth saying, I did not sleep very much at all last night.

Nothing can bring you down faster than a house full of sick kids and a night of no sleep. It's days like this that I have a hard time smiling and when one can't seem to find a smile, one is in desperate need of lifting. Something about my countenance that can make or break me. My Mom has always told me that my face always gives away what I am feeling. She has the amazing ability to put on a smile no matter what but, I struggle. My kids feel pretty bad already so seeing their Mama mope around isn't going to help. They need to see me happy. They need to see that I can find joy no matter what the circumstance is. Right now, I can teach them to be thankful even in the midst of trial.

So on a day like today, I decided to pull out my recipe book. Lord knows I need recipes right now for some joy, some contentment, some rest, some peace, and some strength. That's a five course meal right there! And since I don't have my Recipe Book memorized, I have to sometimes search for that perfect one to give me what I need. Recipes to fulfill that hunger!

I love http://www.biblegateway.com/ because I can look at all the different translations. I usually read New King James Version or New Living Translation but I love The Message. Sometimes I need those verses to come alive and The Message translation makes it so simple that I can apply it to my own life. So here's what I found today to help me through the day!

My Five course meal

SOME JOY
Psalm 43: Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul? Why are you crying the blues? Fix my eyes on God—soon I'll be praising again. He puts a smile on my face. He's my God. (The Message)

SOME CONTENTMENT
Philippians 4:11 I'm glad in God, far happier than you would ever guess—happy that you're again showing such strong concern for me. Not that you ever quit praying and thinking about me. You just had no chance to show it. Actually, I don't have a sense of needing anything personally. I've learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am. I don't mean that your help didn't mean a lot to me—it did. It was a beautiful thing that you came alongside me in my troubles (The Message)

SOME REST
Isaiah 40:31 But those who wait on the LORD Shall renew their strength;They shall mount up with wings like eagles,They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint.. (New King James)

SOME PEACE
John 16:33 I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” (New Living)

SOME STRENGTH
Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me

AND now I am pretty full! That's the best nourishment I've had all day.

My recipe book

2007-05-28T18:09:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite things to do is cook and bake. I must have gotten this from my great-grandmother, MamMaw Ritter. Anytime I went to her house, she cooked something yummy. She never followed a recipe, she just KNEW how to make something taste good. I can still smell her little apartment at the retirement community. Her apartment always smelled of something delicious. My favorite smell was fried salmon patties, fried potatoes and fresh squash. The ultimate southern, comfort food! A friend of mine, Courtney, totally surprised me one day when I heard her talking about Salmon patties. I never knew that anyone else made them besides MamMaw Ritter. So Courtney encouraged me to add them to a menu I was making for the week. My mom reminded me of how MamMaw Ritter made her's so I copied and now make them for Jeremy and he loves 'em!

My bag of potatoes had gone bad so I couldn't do fried potatoes today. But I did do the squash and the salmon patties. I can remember my MamMaw saying, "Don't let the squash get gritty!" So I made sure not to let the squash get gritty and fried up some amazing salmon patties. My entire house now smells of grease but it was worth every splatter! While I was cooking them, I took notice that I don't use a recipe anymore. I know they need green onions, lemon juice, mayonnaise, bread crumbs or saltines, an egg, some cayenne and a dash of this and a dash of that! I know that I can add some garlic to give it that extra punch of flavor and I know to cook them for an extra 30 seconds to make sure they crunch! MamMaw cooked 'em her whole life and at thirty-one years old, I think mine are just as good! She would be proud of her Mandi.

Sometimes I miss my MamMaw Ritter so much that I can hardly stand it. I will never forget spending the day with her at her apartment one afternoon and her talking to me about the Bible. This was a woman that rode in a covered wagon when she was a little girl. She had lived through time periods that I can't even imagine and she endured times in her life that were very difficult. She experienced The Depression, World War I and World War II, the Vietnam War and even the Gulf War. Her faith was everything to her and she felt without it, she was nothing. So that afternoon sitting in her apartment, she told me that she read her Bible every, single day. That afternoon I was going through a very difficult time with my Dad who was in the midst of a horrible addiction, alcohol. I watched him try to kill himself, I watched him fall and get a concussion, I watched him walk in the door almost every night and pass out. Many nights I was so afraid and worried about him that I could not enjoy being a kid. While the other girls at school worried about cheerleading tryouts, I worried about my Dad and whether or not he would live to see another day. That afternoon at MamMaw's apartment, she knew I was sad and worried about my Dad. But I was afraid to let it show because I lived with him at the time and I was worried she would tell my Mom (her granddaughter). Then my Mom would force me to live with her. If I lived with her, who would take care of my Dad? But without me saying anything, MamMaw knew.

MamMaw knew that I had a relationship with Christ. She knew that I would understand what she was saying. So she told me that day to read my Bible and that I would find strength. The Bible was her recipe book. She may have cooked a hundred different dishes without a recipe card or recipe book but she didn't live life without seeing what the Bible had to say about her situations in life. She knew what the book said, she knew that she was important, special and loved. She knew, because she read it. It was there that she found out how to live her life, how to get by and how to not be afraid of life's heartaches. But most of all, she knew how to have joy!

I still have a Bible that I got in the 7th grade. That year was the hardest time I can remember as a kid. I failed the first year of 7th grade because my Dad never could get me to school and I hated leaving him alone. As a result, I failed the entire year. When I look at that Bible given to me in the 7th grade, I can't help but to cry. I see page after page, mostly in Psalms, where I highlighted and underlined so many verses that brought me comfort. But the thing about that Bible that sticks out the most is a huge patch on the back of it that is pretty roughed up. One night when my Dad was drunk, he threw it down the stairs at our apartment complex. In his pain, in his rage, he knew it would hurt me. A few months ago my Dad told me that he remembered that night and how it haunted him still to this day. It was then that I told my Dad to not worry about it anymore. "I love you and I know you were sick then. God has restored those years." I can't even begin to tell you how much I love that Bible. It was there for me when I needed it the most and I am thankful for it being thrown down those stairs because it reminds me of how much I clung to it back then as a child. If it wasn't for the pain I endured, I never would have needed it as much as I did. It truly became my recipe book.

When it comes to making salmon patties, banana pudding or anything else, I don't really need those recipe cards anymore. I've got those delicious things mastered. But when it comes to this life I am living and the pain that comes with it, I can't live without the Bible. It's always been a part of me and my heritage and the long line of Bible believing women in my family have taught me to keep it close by my side. Each day as a wife and as a mother, I lean on it more and more. Someday my Bible will be left behind. My loved ones will see the highlighted verses, the pen marks and the notes inside of it. It will be worn, torn, tattered and old but it will be a gift. And even now I pray that I can show them how life changing it really is. My recipe books will go to my granddaughters and they will get to make all the great dishes I made but more than anything I pray that they will get the recipe book that has made the biggest impact on my life, my Bible.

I love you MamMaw and I think of you everyday.

Not sure what I am doing

2007-05-27T22:22:00.000-07:00

Right now I am thinking about a lot of stuff. I don't want to COMPROMISE who I am but at the same time, I want to be open to what the Lord is showing me. I have to make sure that any life changes I make is NOT to please other people. So you can pray for me, I need it. I have lots of burning questions that I thought I had resolved but now I realize that there is still so much I am not sure about. Time will tell and God will show me, I know He will! God is trying to show me something and I am just not totally sure what it is. Some of it is obvious but the rest is still a mystery. I look forward to talking to my friend Tiffany. She will help me through this, I know it and I trust her because I know she prays for me. I need to see the light right now so bad!!

I have tried to do things today and tonight to preoccupy my mind so I won't think about the struggle I am feeling but so far nothing is working. I need to get on my knees and cry out to God because He is the only one that can help me through this. My entire life I have struggled with people pleasing and right now if I make a decision to change my blog, change my attitude, change my way of thinking, it will only be to please people. I have to do it to please my Heavenly Father and no one else! I don't know if I am meant to do be doing what I am doing.

Anyway, I am going to bed and Jeremy is waiting on me so we can talk. Also, Ava Beth has 102 fever and just threw up! FUN!

Hold on a second!

2007-05-26T13:48:00.000-07:00

The past two years, there has been lots of change taking place in my life. For the most part, I think I have gotten better in many areas. I've made lots of changes about I how I think, how I feel and so on. But hold on second! You mean there is MORE I have to "get"? Dang it!

I grew up in church. I became a Christian when I was five years old and have pretty much lived the life since then. My entire life I have been surrounded by people just like me. Growing up in the church has now been something that is causing an issue for me. I'm realizing how much religion is inside of me and I would NEVER say that I am a religious person. While I am so thankful for my heritage and thankful for knowing Christ the way that I do, I have a lot of things that I need to get rid of.

Something I have always wanted to do is to get my nose pierced. The first time I thought about it was when I was twenty-two years old. I had a wild and crazy friend and we always had a blast together. We both sang at our church and both of us were knowing for pushing the boundaries a little. People looked at us at rebels but really we were just having fun with our hair and clothes. The Dixie Chicks had just come out and people used to tell us that we looked like them. So we got a kick out of being different. My friend told me I should do it! "Get your nose pierced! I will go with you!" But at the same time I was working at the Annuity Board of the Southern Baptist Convention. My hair was shorter than it is now and the "go go" boot look with short skirts was a very popular thing to wear. The skirts I wore were not too short by any means but I pushed the line a lot. I remember walking into Monday morning chapel and getting mean, judgemental looks from the old Southern Baptist Women. Finally one day, after someone complained that I was not wearing panty hose and that my dress was too crazy for the Annuity Board, I quit! All morning I sat at my desk in my cubicle and could hear whispering going on. It wasn't paranoia, it was really happening. Then I began to hear them actually talk about me. The whispering ended. They said things about my hair, my clothes and my lack of respect for the Annuity Board. So, I got up, walked into my boss' office and quit. And the fact that I did not like him either, made it even more fun to quit. I will never forget what I said to Ken, the boss. "I am leaving and I will not be coming back. I have enough in my 401k to pay rent at my apartment for a few months and to pay for a few other bills. These women here are mean, vicious and I don't fit in. I'm not going to wear panty hose and I don't know if I want to go to a Southern Baptist Church (which was required)!" I think he was relieved because he did not like me either. There was no way they would send me to a state convention to tell them about insurance to all those SBC pastors! No way! I was not conservative looking enough and I KNOW they were relieved to see me go. I'm not quite sure what all those rigid old women talked about after I left, but it wasn't me. Actually I am sure it got pretty boring around there! I'm certain of it! But, I decided against the nose piercing because I felt like it would be wrong and that it would not be a "Christian" thing to do. HA!

The truth is, I have never fit in when it comes to the Christian circles. Unfortunately I think I am having a hard time fitting in with people searching for God or people that are finding God or whatever else. I've come across as "churchy" and as a "spiritual know it all" to some. Anyone that knows me, really knows me, knows how much fun I am and knows how down to earth I really am. If there is anything in me that is going to freak people out when it comes to Christianity, I've got to change and show others that I'm really just like them.

Because I KNOW God has called me here and because I KNOW God has great plans for my life and because I KNOW that the bigger picture is worth it all, I'm changing my blog again. The people that will not understand it will be "Christians". They will say I am compromising. They will say I am not being true to myself. You know why I know they will say that? Because that's what I would say. But I am trying to do away with that old time religion inside of me and it is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Hold on a second! You mean to say that I've got to do some changing so I can reach people in my community? You mean how I am doing things right now is going to have to be refined? You mean some of my blogs and some of the things I say come across "churchy" and holier than thou? Oh my, oh my!

All day I have been processing this because everything I am about to do goes against everything I know. I have not done the nose piercing thing because I thought God couldn't use me to speak to women or lead worship if I looked like a punk rocker. I thought I needed to try a little to look like a Mom and appeal to my Christian circles. How can God use a girl with a tattoo?( Kelly Ann! :) How can he use a girl with a crazy haircut and a stud in her nose? Well, I am not sure but I have decided to push all that religion to the side and be free.

As soon as I find a place to get my nose pierced, I am going and I am taking my Pastor's wife with me! :) Because here, I am free. I can be me and so much more that I don't even know. Today I talked on the phone with Kyle/Pastor for almost two hours about all of this and I feel better about who I am. And I realize that I have been walking around under so much condemnation that I don't have to feel any longer!

The blog is going to change. In fact, I am working right now on something new. Something Beautiful will always be here, just like Far More Than Rubies. I won't take those blogs down. It's a part of me. But a brand new chapter is underway. Be prepared. I can handle the whispers, like the ones I heard at the SBC, it's worth it.

I almost forgot!

2007-05-25T18:33:00.000-07:00

Beth Moore has a blog that I check every single day. I noticed an incredible prayer that she had posted and I was planning on sharing it with all of you but, I forgot. Today I visited another blog that talked about the prayer and I remembered that I still needed to share with all of my friends! So here it is! And I just read on Beth's blog that she will be writing a study on Esther! I cannot wait for that one. Wow.

Dearly loved one
You’ve been called by God
To shine like a star
In a dark, depraved world
Don’t blend in
Refuse the daily temptation
To be absorbed in yourself
Take interest in others
Deliberately humble yourself
And live the life of a servant
As you live in the crisis
Of “continue to”
Keep working out
What God is working in
Watch your mouth
Choose words of life
And one glorious day
You will see the face of Christ
And He will show you
Every good purpose
He fulfilled through you
And there will be delight
Even if you are despised or ignored
You are Christ’s star
Go forth and shine

This is something I have printed out and taped by my computer. I love this line. "Even if you are despised or ignored, you are Christ's star. Go forth and shine!" I cannot even begin to express how much that last line spoke to me. I hope you enjoy it, print and read it daily!

James 4 & 5 has been posted.

James 4 & 5

2007-05-25T17:37:00.000-07:00

Before I move forward. I need to share something.

Before I moved to Austin, my blog was a safe place. I don't feel like it is as much anymore because everyone I am surrounded by here, reads my blog and some have gone back into the archives and read (which is great!). Those of you that have been reading my blog for the past two years, KNOW that I'm the same old Amanda. My convictions are the same, my challenges are the same. But, now I am way more on display than I used to be. It's hard. This is my online journal. People do and will form opinions based solely on what I write. I can't help that unless I quit blogging. But, at times, it's kind of hard. I am realizing that there wasn't much risk I was taking when we lived in Dallas. Life was pretty easy. :) I'm still the same old Amanda. Daily I am trying to see what the Lord has for me. Some will understand, some will not but I must press on to the person I am becoming and the person I have always been. So if you read this and you think I am weird, you are correct. If you read this and think I am "churchy", you are correct. Can't help it, my butt was in a pew my entire life every single Sunday morning, Sunday night and Wednesday night. Oh and I was at Tuesday night visitation in the church van too. I'm extremely black and white and if I had to chose a political party, I would say I'm pretty Republican. I love George W. but I also love the Dixie Chicks. People are offended by me often and on most days I struggle to like myself. But the most important thing I can be is myself. If I try to be anything different, I will not be fulfilling God's plan for my life. If you don't agree with things on this blog, it's okay. I don't agree with what the Dixie Chicks said about my President but I still like them. I don't agree with the war so much anymore but I still support George. So, please, please, please, whatever you do, give me the benefit of the doubt. I'm not as tough as I might appear, I am not as strong as you might think, so go easy on me.

1-2Where do you think all these appalling wars and quarrels come from? Do you think they just happen? Think again. They come about because you want your own way, and fight for it deep inside yourselves. (The Message)

I truly believe with every fiber of my being that most conflict we have with other people stems from conflict that comes from inside of us. I would go as far to say that 99% of the time this is true. This helps me when I am feeling someone elses wrath because I know to not take it personal but realize that they are dealing with their own stuff. The same goes for me and how I treat others.

4You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. 5Or do you think Scripture says without reason that the spirit he caused to live in us envies intensely?[a] 6But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." (NIV)

Many times when God is working on us, a purging takes place. With that comes conviction and change. There have been many times in my life where I have no longer fit in due to the change taking place in my life. When I write a blog about GOSSIP, others may be tempted to exclude me or change the way they feel about me. And when we try to change our ways and be different and not so attached to the things of this world, people may think we are churchy, a freak or just plain weird. I'm okay with that. I really am. The pursuit of holiness is a tough road but I long to please Him. And yes, I long to please Him. I would much rather be a Jesus pleaser than a people pleaser! Lord knows I have struggled with that!

7Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 9Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. 10Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. 11Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. 12There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbor?

There is a lot to be said about this mound of scriptures but the slander thing sticks out to me the most. I think this is something that Christians justify so much. I'm not going to budge from this. We don't need to talk bad about people. Period. If you can't say anything nice, don't say it all. This is so hard because I still justify some of this. And what about our families? I have talked bad about my brother to my parents. Not recently (Are you reading this Josh?)! But, I have. I have said things about my husband's family to him. He has done the same about my family. The Lord really convicted me of this yesterday. It's slander. If I am saying anything that will change their opinion or make them think anything negatively, it's slander. And I hate, hate, hate talking about this because I know God is really showing me these things right now to change me. UGH! Just yesterday my Mom called to tell me something about a family member and before she could finish, i went off. I've been holding a grudge against this person and I just decided to let my mom know all about it. Instantly after hanging up, I felt convicted. My Mom has a relationship with this person and it was wrong for me to go off. NO, it wasn't my brother! :)

13Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." 14Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. 15Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." 16As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. 17Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins.

Verse 17 is one I know well. How many times have I ignored something that I knew I was supposed to do? UGH! This is when I take another long sigh and think that the book of James is just bruising up my toes in a big way. Honestly I am not having fun in this book AT ALL. Instead, I am feeling extremely convicted and when I feel convicted I feel depressed. There is so much change that needs to take place in my life. Shoot!

7Be patient, then, brothers, until the Lord's coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop and how patient he is for the autumn and spring rains. 8You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord's coming is near. 9Don't grumble against each other, brothers, or you will be judged. The Judge is standing at the door

Grumbling for me is something that goes on internally. That is how I interpret this scripture. How many times do we sit back and grumble about people in our lives, especially our spouse? I do it all the time. And I feel that when I am grumbling about someone that they can actually FEEL it. Things go on in the spiritual realm that we may never understand but I truly believe that when we talk about others or grumble about them, they feel it. Being patient with one another is the greatest expression of love we can show, at least it is for me. If someone is patient with me and allows me to screw up, I know they love me. Now I have to do the same with others AND myself!

12Above all, my brothers, do not swear—not by heaven or by earth or by anything else. Let your "Yes" be yes, and your "No," no, or you will be condemned.

It's either yes or no. My youth pastor told the youth group this all the time. It stuck with me. I can't really interpret this verse for anyone but myself. I know where I need this to be active in my life.

13Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray. Is anyone happy? Let him sing songs of praise. 14Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. 15And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven.

We should always be praying, always conversating with the Lord. The biggest lesson for me to learn is to praise him not only in the good but in the bad!

16Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

I think this is where accountability is so important. Plus it is so nice to have someone carry a burden with you and pray for you. There is definitely power in prayer just like scripture says!

17Elijah was a man just like us. He prayed earnestly that it would not rain, and it did not rain on the land for three and a half years. 18Again he prayed, and the heavens gave rain, and the earth produced its crops. 19My brothers, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring him back, 20remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way will save him from death and cover over a multitude of sins

And the only way we are going to be able to turn people from death is by living a life that makes a difference.

Well, there you have it! There's James! Tomorrow morning I meet with my LTG group for coffee and we will choose another book in the Bible to read. Be praying that we choose the right one and join me again if you would like. You all inspire me so much and I love getting your emails. They bless me beyond measure.

Love you!

O Praise Him (All This For A King)

2007-05-24T23:28:00.000-07:00

I have ALL of David Crowder's music on my iPod and in the car!

There is a reason why I love this song so much and a reason why I love the video even more. Why? Well, I will tell you in just a minute.

I thought of this song tonight after a long conversation on the phone with a friend. Lately we have had some pretty deep conversations about the Bible, worship, lifestyle and so much more. I really enjoy our talks because it makes me really think about things. She asked me a question about something that has really had me thinking. I am praying that how I answered her made sense. No, I am not going to tell you what the question was. :) Anyway, I thought of this song because I truly want to reflect Jesus in all that I do. I REALLY do. Unfortunately, I don't. I fall short just about every single day and always will. But I pray that how I live my life will be an inspiration to others. I pray that people will know what I stand for and understand who I am. At times I may look like a fool but I truly hope I can be this guy in the video singing at the top of his lungs, in the middle of the city and not give a flip if anyone thinks I am crazy or not. Hopefully, I will at least be on key! But if not, oh well.

If you watch the video you will see what I am talking about. It's funny because I am notorious for walking around the house with my iPod on and singing to the top of my lungs. It's one of my favorite things to do and the kids don't seem to mind it! So I kind of see myself in this video. God is busy, busy in my life right now and I am loving what He is teaching me. The benefits of Him are endless.

Lord Jesus, make me a minister. Father, help me to show you in all that I do.

Isaiah 61

1 The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me,
for the Lord has anointed me
to bring good news to the poor.
He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted
and to proclaim that captives will be released
and prisoners will be freed.[a]
2 He has sent me to tell those who mourn
that the time of the Lord’s favor has come,[b]
and with it, the day of God’s anger against their enemies.
3 To all who mourn in Israel,[c]
he will give a crown of beauty for ashes,
a joyous blessing instead of mourning,
festive praise instead of despair.
In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks
that the Lord has planted for his own glory.
4 They will rebuild the ancient ruins,
repairing cities destroyed long ago.
They will revive them,
though they have been deserted for many generations.
5 Foreigners will be your servants.
They will feed your flocks
and plow your fields
and tend your vineyards.
6 You will be called priests of the Lord,
ministers of our God.
You will feed on the treasures of the nations
and boast in their riches.
7 Instead of shame and dishonor,
you will enjoy a double share of honor.
You will possess a double portion of prosperity in your land,
and everlasting joy will be yours.

8 “For I, the Lord, love justice.
I hate robbery and wrongdoing.
I will faithfully reward my people for their suffering
and make an everlasting covenant with them.
9 Their descendants will be recognized
and honored among the nations.
Everyone will realize that they are a people
the Lord has blessed.”

10 I am overwhelmed with joy in the Lord my God!
For he has dressed me with the clothing of salvation
and draped me in a robe of righteousness.
I am like a bridegroom in his wedding suit
or a bride with her jewels.
11 The Sovereign Lord will show his justice to the nations of the world.
Everyone will praise him!
His righteousness will be like a garden in early spring,
with plants springing up everywhere.

honesty

2007-05-24T19:05:00.000-07:00

Well, I really don't have James 4 soaked up right now. I am going to try my hardest to get some time alone tonight or in the morning to try James 4 all over again. If you have already read James 4, do me a favor and read it again with me. How about that?

I have had kind of a slow/sleepy/sad day. My friend Kelly Ann had her baby today and I was not there. I had planned on going to Dallas to be there but it didn't work out that way. I talked to her this morning before she went to the hospital and I cried like a baby on the phone with her. I did get to pray with her and that made me feel a whole lot better. We have been through so much together since the 8th grade and she was there when Ezekiel was born. Obviously I was very sad to not be there but baby Shaefer Ann is doing great and so is Mommy!

Last night was the AI finale party and my best friend Rebecca, surprised me by driving in from Dallas to be here. I had NO idea! She called Kyle/my pastor to get directions and they knew all day she was coming but I had no clue. It was great seeing her and gosh I miss her soooooo much!

Chillin' at home tonight while Jeremy is at book club/bible study. Tomorrow begins a long weekend and a big BBQ at Gina's. Excited to spend time this weekend with friends just hanging out and having some fun!

Let's do James 4 tomorrow!

love y'all!

blogger/gmail/google trouble

2007-05-24T10:06:00.000-07:00

I will be posting thoughts on James 4 later today but I just thought I would let some of you know that I cannot read your blog without loosing my password. Something is going crazy right now in the world of blogging/gmail/google. It is driving me crazy! So if I usually read your blog and comment but you notice I have disappeared, just know I can't read it without loosing my password and trying to log back in at LEAST ten times before I can access blogger. And for a blogging addict, that makes blogging kind of difficult. With three kids, I don't have time to log in that many times. This morning I tried fifteen times before it would work and it only happens when I view certain blogs and my pastor happens to be one of those. Ha! I have to load his page about five times before I can even get it to come up. Weird! Then there is another blog that I view and afterwards, I lose my password. Every single time. UGH!

Not sure if anyone else is having this problem but ever since blogger changed, it's been wacky. Yes, there are great things we can do with blogger now and I love the fact that it has draft auto save (love that) but it still does some pretty annoying things. But, hey! It's FREE!

Just an FYI!

American Idol finale party

2007-05-23T17:32:00.000-07:00

Right now I am finishing up a few last minute things for tonight's party at my house and spiking my hair up extra high in honor of Blake! I can't wait to see him rock the house tonight! Jordin is so sweet and so good too, if she wins I will be happy for her. There is nothing I can find bad about her and there is nothing I can find bad about Blake. But I voted for Blake last night over and over again! His voice is perfect for top 40, perfect and the dude has some major talent. He's different and that's why I think he will win!

Can you believe their is a red carpet pre-show on the tv guide channel right now? And there is a pre-show at 6:30 on Fox. I have heard there will be some awesome surprises and I can't wait!

Rock on Blake!

James 3

2007-05-23T10:46:00.000-07:00

WARNING: No one will like this post!

Chapter three is my favorite chapter in the book of James. It hits home with me because I think it's the area where God convicts me the most. Women are known for being talkers. My husband has heard me on the phone before talking to someone and after hanging up, he has busted me. "Babe, how would you feel if someone was talking about you like that?" Then I try to justify by saying, "I am not saying anything bad. I am just trying to explain the situation to someone that will understand." But, here's the cold, hard, facts. It's wrong, it destroys, it damages, it makes you look bad. And if someone is talking/"discussing" something with you about another person, rest assured, they will do the same about you behind your back. Another justification we make is this. "Well, I am just talking about it with my friend because maybe the can help me work through it." In my opinion, that's the worst kind of gossip.

A few years ago I was in a horrible position. I had two friends that did not like one another at all. Both of them talked bad about each other to me. I should have stopped it. I should have said, "Should you be saying this to me?" But, I didn't. Instead, I sometimes joined in and talked about both of them. When this goes on, we plant seeds in the other person's mind that may not have been there until we opened up our big mouth. Ugh! I hate even writing about this because things come to my mind INSTANTLY and I feel convicted. The problem with the situation a few years ago was we were all a part of the same circle. If someone had a problem with another lady, they should have talked to someone that is totally on the outside. A friend that does not even KNOW the other person. Further more, maybe it should not be talked about AT ALL. What if we got on our knees every single time someone did something we didn't like instead of picking up the phone to tell our friends? For example, I am in a group of women right now that is pretty small. There are four girls that I come in contact with on a regular basis. A few of them I talk to almost every day and see every other. If one of them does something to hurt my feelings or if there is something I do not understand or like about them, it would be WRONG for me to call up one of the other girls and tell them about it. And if one of them calls and decides to tell me about their hurt feelings over something, I need to say "Stop. Don't tell me." This is the biggest threat to groups and it can destroy friendships and damage what God is trying to accomplish in our lives. Did you get that? Our words about others can HINDER what God is doing in their lives. That is HUGE!

As I read this passage this morning, I felt convicted of some of my behavior in the past. I have not been a part of a close knit group of women in a long time. I know how miserable it is to be a part of a group where gossip goes on and I know what it is like to be a major contributor to that sort of environment. I also know what it feels like to be talked about. There is nothing that hurts more than someones words. Physical pain is easier to deal with in my opinion. Much easier!

Several years ago I was a children's pastor at a very small church. That's weird to think about now because that is so not my gift. Anyway, I did an object lesson one Sunday that so many of you are probably familiar with. I took a tube of toothpaste and squeezed the entire tube into a bowl and then ask the kids to help me get all of the toothpaste back into the tube. You can imagine their responses. "Miss Mandi, you can't do that! It's impossible!" And they were absolutely correct. It's impossible!! The toothpaste is exactly like our words. You can clean up the toothpaste, just like you can ask for forgiveness for saying ugly things but ,you cannot take those words back. It's impossible!!

Luke 12:2 says this. "Everything that is secret will be brought out into the open. Everything that is hidden will be uncovered. 3 What you have said in the dark will be heard in the daylight. What you have whispered to someone behind closed doors will be shouted from the rooftops. "

This morning at 4am, Ezekiel woke up. He is teething so his nights have been a little rough lately and mine too. But it's also been good for my prayer time. I knew what James 3 was about this morning so I began to pray about it and I thought of a dear friend in my life, Janna. She will hate me putting her on display like this but the Holy Spirit brought her to my mind. I have known Janna since 8th grade and I can honestly say that I have NEVER heard her gossip and I have NEVER heard anyone gossip about her. She is the only person I have ever known that I can say that about. And that is the kind of woman I long to be. I feel that God has called me to minister primarily to women and that means I have to love them instead of talk about them.

Chapter three was not the most FUN chapter to read but it is the one that has the most impact on me. I am praying that God will convict me of my words and that I will become instantly aware of things I DO NOT need to say. There is NOTHING good that comes from it. Even if it's about people in the past, people you no longer know, talking about them is wrong. I've been guilty over and over again and I no longer wish to be that kind of woman. I'm not here to make you feel guilty but if the shoe fits, it may be time to take that shoe off! I am praying that others will say, "Amanda loves people and I never hear her say bad things about other people."

And one more thing! I am so proud to be a part of a group of young women that are constantly seeking godliness. I am praying for protection over our group and I know that God has called us to be different. I am happy to be doing life with all of you.

1 Dear brothers and sisters, not many of you should become teachers in the church, for we who teach will be judged more strictly. 2 Indeed, we all make many mistakes. For if we could control our tongues, we would be perfect and could also control ourselves in every other way. 3 We can make a large horse go wherever we want by means of a small bit in its mouth. 4 And a small rudder makes a huge ship turn wherever the pilot chooses to go, even though the winds are strong. 5 In the same way, the tongue is a small thing that makes grand speeches. But a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire. 6 And the tongue is a flame of fire. It is a whole world of wickedness, corrupting your entire body. It can set your whole life on fire, for it is set on fire by hell itself. 7 People can tame all kinds of animals, birds, reptiles, and fish, 8 but no one can tame the tongue. It is restless and evil, full of deadly poison. 9 Sometimes it praises our Lord and Father, and sometimes it curses those who have been made in the image of God. 10 And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth. Surely, my brothers and sisters, this is not right! 11 Does a spring of water bubble out with both fresh water and bitter water? 12 Does a fig tree produce olives, or a grapevine produce figs? No, and you can’t draw fresh water from a salty spring.

HEROES

2007-05-22T21:42:00.000-07:00

I am one night behind in watching Heroes. After AI, which I cried during, we watched Heroes. Since we are reading Soul Cravings by Erwin McManus in our book club, (some of the Heroes go to Erwin's church in L.A.) I felt like the last part was written by Erwin himself. His book is all about the last line. (Thanks Gina for writing it all out. I had to copy. I was thinking how I wanted to write it all down or find it on the web but I saw that you had it on your blog.)

"We all dream of hope, change, fire, life and death...the need to solve life's mysteries shows itself like a glowing light of a new dawn....There is so much struggle for meaning, purpose, and in the end we find it only in each other, our shared experience of the fantastic. The simple human need to find a kindred spirit and connect and know in our hearts that we are not alone."

That has to be the most powerful line I have heard in a TV show and it makes so much since regarding our church and what God is doing in and through our group at RC. Gina blogged about it but I did not read her blog until after watching Heroes because I did not want to know what happened. But, I knew as soon as I heard the last line that Gina had to have blogged about the last line. She "gets" it and because she "gets" it, I "get" it and others will continue to "get" it as we show them what Jesus is all about. I truly believe that our purpose in life is to show others what it means and what it feels like to be loved. Christ is loving others through us and He is loving us through others.

All of that from a show called Heroes? Yes. You won't want to miss next season. Peter Petrelli is the man!

The brothers and the sister

2007-05-22T15:51:00.000-07:00

(A post for the grandparents! I know they miss the babies so much!)

Ava Beth brings so much joy to my life! All three of my kids do, of course. But having a daughter has got to be the most incredible experience for a Mom. She has brought so much healing to my life. Through her I am getting to experience being a little girl all over again. She's going to be one talented little girl and I can only imagine what she will be like when she is a teenager. Yikes! Two things are for sure. She will be a leader and she will be beautiful.

I was in the kitchen cooking and walked into the living room to check on the kids. Ezekiel was in the bumbo so i wanted to make sure he was okay. When I walked in, I saw Josiah with his arm wrapped around his baby brother so I ran upstairs to get the camera! Excuse the slobber on baby Zekee! He's teething! :)

Now if I could just find Josiah and Ava Beth like this instead of fighting! It's been a rough couple of days in the world of parenting but at the end of the day, I know I have the best career and life in the whole world! Thank you Lord for these kids! Josiah, Ava Beth, Ezekiel, you bless me beyond measure. Thanks for always being patient with me and loving me exactly like I am. Mama loves you.

James 2

2007-05-22T12:06:00.000-07:00

(I won't always do this when I read. But right now writing out what God is revealing to me with each verse is what helps me get into the habit. I did this with the book of John last year and the book of John came alive to me in so many ways. And remember that this is what God is showing me in my own life. When you read this passage, you may get something totally different. I hope you do.)

1-4My dear friends, don't let public opinion influence how you live out our glorious, Christ-originated faith. If a man enters your church wearing an expensive suit, and a street person wearing rags comes in right after him, and you say to the man in the suit, "Sit here, sir; this is the best seat in the house!" and either ignore the street person or say, "Better sit here in the back row," haven't you segregated God's children and proved that you are judges who can't be trusted? (The Message)

Face it. We live in a world that concentrates a lot on physical appearance and possessions. From clothing to weight. From housing to cars. Our society really struggles to follow the rule, "Don't judge a book by it's cover", because we do. I do believe that there are times in life where image truly matters. No matter how hard we try, you just can't get away from it. I will say that image and how we dress definitely matters. But, this is something that our world AND our churches have taken to the extreme.

5-7Listen, dear friends. Isn't it clear by now that God operates quite differently? He chose the world's down-and-out as the kingdom's first citizens, with full rights and privileges. This kingdom is promised to anyone who loves God. And here you are abusing these same citizens! Isn't it the high and mighty who exploit you, who use the courts to rob you blind? Aren't they the ones who scorn the new name—"Christian"—used in your baptisms? (The Message)

The revelation I get from these verses may be different for you, I am sure it is. But these verses spoke to me in regards to my past. For some crazy reason, there are Christians out there that truly believe that God cannot use them to do great things because of their past. I know it's been said of me. Some have thought that my childhood would always hinder me from being in a position of leadership. Yes, I got junk in the trunk but we all do. Don't we? So when I read this verse and see that God chose the world's down and out, that gives me hope and it shows me again how thankful I need to be from WHERE I came from. I am so thankful for a youth pastor that saw something and me and took time to show me that God created me for something much bigger than myself.

8-11You do well when you complete the Royal Rule of the Scriptures: "Love others as you love yourself." But if you play up to these so-called important people, you go against the Rule and stand convicted by it. You can't pick and choose in these things, specializing in keeping one or two things in God's law and ignoring others. The same God who said, "Don't commit adultery," also said, "Don't murder." If you don't commit adultery but go ahead and murder, do you think your non-adultery will cancel out your murder? No, you're a murderer, period. (The Message)

We are pros at picking and choosing our sin. I hear Christians say a lot, "Well, it's your own conviction but it may not be someone else." True. But, I think we walk this line dangerously. When we choose to follow Christ and we learn His ways, there are some non-negotiables. Murder, Adultery, lying, those are three things that can't be justified. There are many, many other things that do not belong in the life of a Christ follower. But, I believe this is where the Holy Spirit comes in and shows us what it is in our life that we need to say goodbye to. And this is where we need to keep our mouth shut and not cast judgment on others but allow God to have His way. We have enough sin in our own life, why go pointing it out in the lives of our friends and family?! Sin is sin and if we have a relationship with Christ, He will show us what doesn't belong in our lives. We may fight it and struggle to give it up, but deep down I think we know.

12 So whatever you say or whatever you do, remember that you will be judged by the law that sets you free. 13 There will be no mercy for those who have not shown mercy to others. But if you have been merciful, God will be merciful when he judges you. (New Living Translation)

Honestly, this is something I really struggle with. I have empathy but I struggle to have mercy. I am praying about this in my life right now. If others are going to show me mercy, I need to be able to do the same. Where would I be without the mercy of Christ?

14What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? 15 Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. 16If one of you says to him, "Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed," but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? 17In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead. 18But someone will say, "You have faith; I have deeds." Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do. (NIV)

I remember being pregnant with Josiah and having a certain day where I did not feel him kick. I prayed and I truly felt like the Lord was saying, "Do not worry. There is strong life inside your womb." This day is one I will never forget because I had a lump in my throat all day long. I was only about 23 weeks along and now that I have had three, I know that it is totally normal for babies inside the womb to have days where they are not as active. On my drive home, I pushed on my tummy over and over again trying to get him to kick. When I got home, I called my Mom and she said this. "You know why you are so worked up? You know why you are so panicked? Because you are sinning! You have been sinning all day long by worrying. Nothing is wrong with that baby. He's fine!" We hung up the phone and I laid down on the bed to sleep until Jeremy got home from work. I remember I had Oprah on. Just as I was about to doze off, Josiah kicked and moved a lot. For some reason this sticks out to me as a time that my faith was without works. I knew deep down that the Lord had spoke to me and told me everything was fine. He gave me a gift that day by speaking to me and telling me not to worry. I had an opportunity to walk in faith and my deed would have been to put a smile on my face and not worry. I chose differently. My faith required action that day. Our faith always requires action. The Bible says so.

19You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder. 20You foolish man, do you want evidence that faith without deeds is useless? 21Was not our ancestor Abraham considered righteous for what he did when he offered his son Isaac on the altar? 22You see that his faith and his actions were working together, and his faith was made complete by what he did. 23And the scripture was fulfilled that says, "Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness,"and he was called God's friend. 24You see that a person is justified by what he does and not by faith alone. (NIV)

I have not met very many people in my life that don't believe in God. Just about everyone believes in God. As to what that God looks like, I am not sure. I hear politicians, celebrities and many others say they believe in God. It's not enough to just believe. I believe a lot of things in my life but without action, my belief is pretty useless. Now I won't even begin to compare myself to Abraham. But our move to Austin was a moment in our lives where we had to take action. We knew that God had told us to come here so we had to make a choice right then and there to take action. Sometimes people make the mistake of sitting around waiting on something or someone to come along and change their lief or change their path. Faith requires us to get up, get moving and move in the direction God is calling us in. As soon as we felt the call to move, we started looking for a job for Jeremy. We came down here to visit so we could find a home. I truly feel with all of my heart that because we got active and stepped out in faith, God rewarded us and blessed us with a job, a home and a smooth transition. Sure, it's been hard but it really has been awesome too.

25In the same way, was not even Rahab the prostitute considered righteous for what she did when she gave lodging to the spies and sent them off in a different direction? 26As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead. (NIV)

God will always give us an opportunity to put our money where our mouth is.

James chapter 1

2007-05-21T13:28:00.000-07:00

Where do I begin? James 1 is exactly what I needed today and just reading it reminds me of how much I need to be fueled by God's word. I really like to think of it as a power source. Just as a light plugs into the wall, I need to plug into His word. This morning I sent out an email to my LTG girls asking them how I can specifically pray for them and also asking them to pray for me about some things too. It felt good releasing it and confessing what I am struggling with. So if any of you out there need someone to pray for you and your not quite sure how or who to ask, send me an email. I tend to get way more emails from a lot of you than comments and I love that because I get to see a part of your heart that I might not see in a comment posted on my blog. Lurkers, email me! :)

I've read James a lot. I remember my youth pastor telling me to read James once when I was teenager. I know when to go to James because I know how it will help me. But the interesting thing is this. When I read James, something new is going on in my life. A new struggle, a new challenge, a new trial. I've heard it said many times that if you aren't in a trial, if you haven't just finished a trial, you will soon be in one. That may cause some fear for some of us to look at it that way but it's true. But the great thing about trials is what it produces. James1:2 Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. 3 For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. 4 So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing Our faith cannot grow without trials, it's impossible.

Last week I was talking with a friend of mine on the phone and I told her that I was in the midst of being uncomfortable. But I also told her that I knew what God was doing. I know that the struggles I am facing right now are producing some pretty great things in me. If you go back and read some of my entries in FAR MORE THAN RUBIES, you will read a lot about my childhood and the struggles I faced. Honestly, I would not change my past for one second. It's my past that has produced a strong, Godly woman. It's my past that has shown me how much I have to depend on God and it has taught me to do so as soon as things get crazy. It's my past that has taught me to go into my closet, turn out the lights and cry as hard as I want to, for I know the Holy Spirit will comfort me. My Mom has always told me that there is a cost for our anointing and now I really know what she means by that. Our trials are a gift. Think about that for a second. The pain you are enduring right now is a gift.

5 If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. 6 But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. 7 Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8 Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do. I am struggling beyond measure right now with my parenting. Right now all three kids are sleeping and I have to be honest with you. I am very upset with two out of three right now. Josiah and Ava Beth seem to be fighting all the time. Their closeness in age is a blessing but also extremely difficult. Both of them have been throwing fits, bad fits. Consistency is key but sometimes it doesn't work either. For the first time in my parenting, I have hit rock bottom. I am frustrated beyond what I ever imagined I could be. Having three is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. This week I am really trying to work on some things in this house and really pray for guidance. Too often I feel like I am wingin' it. I printed out some scriptures to meditate on for my parenting and James 1:5-6 is one of them. I want to choose the best plan of action with my children. I want to make sure I am disciplining exactly how God wants me to. I don't want to yell. I want to handle it God's way. The only thing I can do is ask. So this week I am going to ask boldly and I am going to BELIEVE that God is going to help me.

9 Believers who are poor have something to boast about, for God has honored them. 10 And those who are rich should boast that God has humbled them. They will fade away like a little flower in the field. 11 The hot sun rises and the grass withers; the little flower droops and falls, and its beauty fades away. In the same way, the rich will fade away with all of their achievements. I used to struggle with a spirit of vanity big time. Sometimes I still do. When I was twenty-five years old and engaged, I suffered from severe adult acne. After trying everything ever created for acne, the dermatologist placed me on acutane. No doubt, it was a miracle drug. Unfortunately I have some scaring on my face. Most people don't know it is there but I do. It's a huge insecurity of mine. I also have large pores. I hate pictures of myself that are in color because I feel like I can see all of my pores. There are times when I struggle with this a lot and usually it's because I am around women that are obsessed with their looks or I am spending too much time in the flesh worried about stupid stuff. If I was singing on a Sunday, I would go buy a new outfit to wear to church on Sunday. It was so ridiculous that I would not wear the same thing twice. No other word can describe it better than vanity. Some change took place in my life when we moved from Little Elm/Frisco back to the mid-cities. God got me alone and really convicted me of vanity. I still love to dress hip and trendy but the Holy Spirit instantly convicts me when it becomes a god in my life. My obsession with having new clothes and new shoes and new accessories was not healthy. Really I was just filling up my life with the wrong thing. I over compensated for what was really going on. I grew up with a Mom and a grandmother and a great grandmother that had matching handbags and shoes for every single outfit. I come from a long line of clothes/shoe loving women. I am proud of my heritage and proud that my mom taught me to look my best even when going to buy groceries. Texas women usually get made fun of for this kind of stuff but I kind of like it. My mom gives me a hard time if she sees me wearing sandals with chipped polish. :) I feel better when I get fixed up, I really do. But I know in my heart when I have crossed the line. I will continue to struggle and I will continue searching for the balance in this but reading this verse in James reminds me of what is important. All of the surface stuff will fade away. Our clothes, our shoes, our cars and our accessories will mean nothing when we get to Heaven.

12 God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. 13 And remember, when you are being tempted, do not say, “God is tempting me.” God is never tempted to do wrong,[c] and he never tempts anyone else. 14 Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away. 15 These desires give birth to sinful actions. And when sin is allowed to grow, it gives birth to death. My flesh is a pretty powerful source. Too often my flesh has it's way in my life. It's loud, it's dominating, it's pushy and if I am not careful, it will have it's way in my life. This morning I prayed that the Lord would show me every single time I am doing something in the flesh. I pray that I can become so aware of it that I rebuke it. I pray that any sin in my life will die so that it will not be able to give birth. Sin seems to be waiting to manifest in our lives on a daily basis.

19 Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. 20 Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires. Lord, please help me to be a better listener. May I learn to respond instead of react. People cannot see Jesus in me when I react. But this is an area where I see the most growth in my life.

21 So get rid of all the filth and evil in your lives, and humbly accept the word God has planted in your hearts, for it has the power to save your souls. Reading this verse reminds me that I need to take inventory. There are things in my life that I KNOW I need to get rid of or not associate with. I justify it too much and even my fellow Christians will justify it. But Father I know what needs to go. I know the things in my life that do NOT match up with the woman you have called me to be. Show me, remind me of what doesn't fit so that I may make room for your blessings.

22 But don’t just listen to God’s word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves. 23 For if you listen to the word and don’t obey, it is like glancing at your face in a mirror. 24 You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like. 25 But if you look carefully into the perfect law that sets you free, and if you do what it says and don’t forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it. The only thing I can say is ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch!! This one hurts! How often do I do the opposite of what I KNOW to be true. The BIBLE talks about not gossiping, have I gossiped? The Bible tells me not to worry, have I worried? So much I know I am supposed to do and I don't do it.

26 If you claim to be religious but don’t control your tongue, you are fooling yourself, and your religion is worthless. 27 Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you. There is an old contemporary Christian song from a band called Degarmo and Key, "Casual Christian." Well, I have a few friends that are new to Christianity and to hear them talk about what they thought of Christians before they became one is pretty sobering. And then I think of a DC Talk song that has a voice at the beginning of the song, What If I Stumble that says, "The Greatest single cause of Atheism in the world today is Christians, who acknowledge Jesus with their lips and walk out the door and then on by their lifestyles. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable."

There you have it! I really enjoyed James, Chapter one today. I am praying that my spirit can truly soak up all the stuff in there that I need to digest. God is doing a new thing in my life once again and I am excited to see what He does with me!

The book of James

2007-05-21T09:12:00.000-07:00

This week I am starting something new in my life with Resonate Community. I am going to be a part of a Life Transformation Group (LTG groups). It's me and two other gals, Cindy and Ruth. I couldn't be happier to have these two girls in my life! We are starting in the book of James and we will meet once every other week to talk about what we have read and to also pray for one another. This morning I woke up with Cindy and Ruth heavy on my heart. I am excited to see miracles take place in their lives and I get to be a part of it by praying for them. I truly believe that the three of us will experience God in an incredible way.

Matthew 18:19-20 Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. 20 For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.

Ecclesiastes4:9 Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: 10 If one falls down, his friend can help him up.But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! 11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? 12 Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

I think a good start is important when you commit to doing something daily. We are committed to reading the Word daily. We will not finish a book in the bible or move on to something new until all three of us have finished. So if one falls behind, we read with them, even if we have already read it. Cindy suggested the book of James and I think that is a perfect way to start. The book of James is something I always read when I am facing trials or change and what a perfect way to start. It's a short book but I look forward to reading one chapter a day and praying that God will open my eyes to the verses in a brand new way. I'm praying for revelation in my own life and for my friends.

This morning I really prayed that God would bring these ladies to mind constantly. I want to stand in the gap for them and pray for their husbands and children. And I hope they do the same for me. I can't do this alone so having them by my side will sure help in my daily walk.

So if you are struggling with your daily Bible reading and need a little more encouragement or accountability, you can come here daily. I will be talking about the book of James for the next five days. It's a short book so we have decided to read one chapter a day. Not sure what we will read next but I am excited about starting here.

Join us if you would like! I did this last year with the book of John through my blog and it was incredible! So come along if you need to get in the habit of reading the word daily. You will be amazed at the strength that comes your way by making the Word of God a part of your daily routine.

I'll be back later to post some thoughts on James, chapter one.

Ava Beth, my biggest fan!

2007-05-20T22:20:00.000-07:00

This past week I was asked to come back and sing at Mitch's church again. Mitch is Kyle's coach and he also does our CPD stuff for church planting. Anyway, I said yes (of course) and so the whole clan headed to Mitch's church this morning. It was great to sing and look out at the end of my song and find my friends sitting all together watching me/supporting me. Kyle is pretty easy to find in the crowd. He's tall and kind of Rob Bellish looking. :)Anyway, I could not find them during my entire song until the end. As I am singing, my eyes are searching in the audience for the RC clan and I could not find them anywhere, not even Kyle. Not even Jeremy! Finally during the last part of the chorus, I spot all of them. I felt better and was so happy to have my RC family there with me.

But the highlight was during rehearsal. There was drama that my song went with and so I had to practice it a few times for the sake of the girl acting in the drama. Jeremy and the kids came early with me and sat in the audience listening. There was a handful of people. Mostly technical and volunteers setting up. The first time I sang through it, I hear Ava Beth yell at the top of her lungs, "Yeah Mommy!" And she clapped forever. Thankfully she did not did not make the dog pound noise like she does while watching American Idol! Then I sing it again and the entire time I am singing, I can hear her over the music and over my voice, yelling! "Mommy! There's Mommy Siah (this is what she calls Josiah)! Siah, do you see Mommy?!" The song ends and again with the clapping but this time she melts me, totally melts me! "Mommy, good singing. Good job Mommy! Yeah!!" Of course everyone thought she was a doll and she made me feel like a million bucks with her cheers. Then the worship pastor asks me to sing it one more time. So I sing it again! Finally, I am done and Ava Beth screams even louder, "GOOD JOB MOMMY!! GOOD JOB SINGING!!!" Thankfully Ava Beth was in Children's church during the real performance or I am afraid she would have stolen the show with her applause for mommy!

And I look forward to being there someday in the audience when she is singing or dancing or whatever else and doing the same for her. The applause of my children has got to be the greatest applause I have ever received. Oh I love them so much! So much!

Thank you Ava Beth. You made mommy feel so good. I love you tons and tons and I am so glad that you are just like me! Well, sometimes. :)

Oswald Chambers

2007-05-17T22:50:00.000-07:00

My Utmost for His Highest is a life changing book. I remember reading it in High School and getting so much out of it for my daily life. Unfortunately I can't seem to find my book anywhere. So I go to the website from time to time and read the entries online. This week I have not read it at all. But tonight, my sweet friend in Canada, sent me a link for tomorrow's entry. It gave me goose bumps and I know that she did not send it to me by mistake or just because. This entry was meant for me and maybe it's meant for you too. The more I fall in love with Jesus, the more and more I hate this flesh of mine and the more I realize how much it is all about HIM and nothing about me.

Enjoy.

Click the link to read Living Simply— Yet Focused.

decided to change this post and remove me from it

2007-05-17T14:54:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite verses that reminds me that HE is creating something beautiful! But, I got to stay the heck out of His way so He can do it!

And provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor. Isaiah 61:3

Calling all BLAKER GIRLS!!!

2007-05-16T21:45:00.000-07:00

Okay, so let me brag on my incredible talent of KNOWING from day ONE who will be the final two. I have said from day one, Jordin and Blake! And guess what? I was right! And I have always said that he sounds like Maroon 5 and last night the producers chose a Maroon 5 song for him to sing. HA!

Now, here's the deal. For all of you that have Tivo. When your phone rings as soon as American Idol is over and you have yet to watch the show, you need to answer the phone by saying this. "I haven't watched it yet! DON'T TELL ME!" Do I make myself clear, KYLE? Sorry, but you knew Blake wasn't going anywhere!

So here's a shout out to all the RC folks! Finale party at my house next week! Gina and I will be wearing our Blake t-shirts. Okay Chris??! I'm thinking I will make a HUGE batch of tortilla soup and everyone else can bring whatever!

GO BLAKE!

(I will be fine with Jordin winning too but I still think Blake will win!)

P.S. Kyle, all Lost fans know that Charlie is a dead man anyway! So there! :)

Letting God do all the work

2007-05-15T22:33:00.000-07:00

I have had a certain scripture on my mind and heart for the past two years. When I am not sure about what God is up to or whether or not my desires are His too, I think of this verse. Today God reminded me that He has not forgotten about my dreams.

Proverbs 18:16 A man’s gift makes room for him, And brings him before great men. (NKJ)

Some dreams are meant to be chased and pursued with everything you've got. Then some are meant to come your way all in God's timing. I honestly think it's much better that way. Then you know that you did nothing to manipulate or force your own will. Instead, God did it ALL.

And that's where I am at.

Happy Mother's Day

2007-05-13T15:13:00.000-07:00

Jeremy got me a chair for the backyard for Mother's Day and a new hair style! The kind of chair you can lay out in and recline while soaking up the blazing sun. One of my favorite things to do is lay out. It has been since I was thirteen years old! When I was single I would spend every single Saturday at the pool, all day long before meeting friends out for dinner. Something about being in the sun all day made me feel good! Now that I have kids, I lay out while they nap or play in the blow-up pool. Even when I was pregnant I would lay out in the back yard in my two piece so I could get some sun on my prego belly. Of course no one else was around, just the kids! Today I figured I should lay out in my new chair while the kid's slept. After all, when you have platinum blonde hair, you better get some sun so people can tell the difference between your hair and skin! Right?! It's interesting though. I had a baby almost four months ago so the body is in a major transitional stage. Wearing a two piece when you still have the Linea negra and baby fat is pretty weird but I was in the backyard where no one could see me!

It was nice soaking up the hot, Austin sun while listening to my iPod. And for the record, it is way hotter here than Dallas. The humidity here is pretty bad. It's 90 degrees today but it feels much hotter! Well, I hope all of you moms are having a great Mom's day. I'm about to get myself ready and go out for a little while! My husband is letting me leave for a while and that is a wonderful present for a mom on Mother's day! woo hoo! I'll be there soon Starbucks! Save me a seat!

Josiah has been telling me all day long, "Happy Mother's Day Mommy! I'm so happy you are a mommy!" That cracks me up!!!

In case anyone is wondering, the TEXAS HEAT has arrived. There is no turning back now. Yikes!

a new look that I LOVE!

2007-05-12T14:53:00.000-07:00

NO REGRETS!

My Dad, Fried Green Tomatoes & Smores Pie

2007-05-11T23:45:00.000-07:00

My Dad got here today around 6pm and we all went out to dinner at a place called The Texan Cafe. Luckily we got there before the major crowd hit. As we started eating, I noticed a line out the door! And now that I have been there, I understand the line of people waiting their turn.

Good heavens, those fried green tomatoes were out of this world! Since we started with fried green tomatoes and since I knew the meal would end with their famous pie, I figured it would be a great night to totally indulge. So chicken fried steak was an easy choice for my entree!

Now I'm going to go out on a limb here and brag on myself for a moment. I've got their chicken fried steak beat, hands down! The very first dinner I ever made Jeremy was chicken fried steak and all the fixins! Chicken Fried Steak with rolls, homemade gravy, cream potatoes (not mashed, creamed), fresh green beans and corn on the cob! He asked me to marry him two months later and he still says to this day that one bite of my chicken fried steak and he was in love! Okay, so enough bragging on me! :) After our meal we were stuffed so we decided to get pie "to go". Dad got Apple Pie, Jeremy got Strawberry Cream Cheese Pie and I got the Smores pie. Oh my goodness! That Smores pie was unbelievably good!

Yes, people with my personality that enjoy something tend to say things like, "That was the best hamburger I have ever had in my life!" Or they say things like, "That was the worst restaurant I have ever been to in my life!" You know, we use lots of adjectives and expression when we talk. So knowing that, you may not believe me when I say that it was the best piece of pie I have ever had in my entire life. But seriously, it was slap yo mama good! I'm pretty sure my friend Erika could figure out a way to make a replica. After all, Erika does make the best ice cream pie in the whole world! I think she worked at TCBY while in college or high school and took notes! :)

I'm sure going to try and figure out the batter on those fried green tomatoes. They were so good I felt like I was being served by Idgie and Ruth! (if you don't know who they are, you need to watch FGT again! and if you have never seen it, shame on you!)

So there you have it! Dad is here and our tummies are full! Tomorrow the kids are going to play in the backyard in their new blow up pool while I sit under the covered patio and relax. Then tomorrow night we are grilling pork chops, beef sausage and corn on the cob! Of course there will be a huge pitcher of sweet tea too. Oh and I making a Chocolate Praline Cake for desert (thanks for the recipe Erika)! Sunday is "all about me day" aka Mother's Day!! This means my Dad and Jeremy will be cooking breakfast AND lunch! By dinner we will all be sick of eating. Then Dad leaves on Monday morning and my week begins all over again. I think I better soak up any extra help while I can.

Happy Mother's Day!

A sucky attitude

2007-05-11T15:47:00.000-07:00

Somewhere along the way, I lost perspective on what really matters. Today I decided it's time to spend some serious time in chapter 6 of Ecclesiastes, followed by Proverbs 31. I need to be reminded of what REALLY matters. Since I have been in Austin, I am learning that there is so much, so much that needs to be stripped away.

I don't know how it happened. I grew up very simple. When I was in elementary school, I was not allowed to be in dance, cheerleading or anything else because I was constantly told, "We don't have the money." We always lived in apartments and then a mobile home. I can't say that we did without but we did not have anything fancy. Our cars were simple, our home was simple and I remember feeling like all of the girls that wore Espirit clothing or Jaboe jeans, were rich. I will never forget a pair of Guess jeans that a neighbor gave me once. I think I wore them every single day. At Christmas time during 6th grade, all the girls got Guess Overalls for Christmas and Units. Remember the Units stores? Good grief those were ugly but so popular! Oh how I envied those girls with the name brands clothes. Even back in 5th grade I can remember wanting a pair of white Keds because everyone was wearing them. Some girls had all colors and stacked their socks in different colors when wearing them. I had one pair and just wearing those ugly white sneakers with the bright blue box on the very back of the heel that said, Keds, was heaven. This taste for wanting the most popular fashion carried me into high school and now tends to overtake me at times, even at thirty-one years old.

When we sat in our attorney's office for our first initial meeting regarding our Chapter 7 bankruptcy, he made us aware of debt counseling we were required to go through. So included in our cost to pay the attorney and file for bankruptcy, was also the cost for Dave Ramsay's debt counseling. We have already began some of it but have lots to finish up via the Internet over the next forty-five days. I don't think I was prepared for the lifestyle change that Dave Ramsay says must be inforced in order to live debt free. But my husband is totally on board and that means I have to be. It is the hardest thing ever for me to adjust to.

I used to have a friend that drove a pretty awful mini-van. She hated that thing with a passion. It was awful because it did not go in reverse. Every single time I think about us loading all of our kids up in that van, I laugh. We always had to park really far out to make sure we had a space where we could just pull forward. Sometimes we got lucky and found one at the front of the parking lot but that was rare. Every once in a while she would get herself in a position where she had to be pushed. And you know the sound some cars make when you leave the keys in the ignition and you open a door. You know the constant dinging? Well, her's did that while we were just driving down the road. Even now I am laughing because it truly was hilarious. But guess what? The van was free! No car payments, nothing! I don't know how much they paid for it but it couldn't have been much. Despite all of it's issues, it worked and it was paid for. My friend was embarrassed by it but I always thought it was a great way to keep a beautiful woman like herself feeling humble. When she finally got rid of it, she was thrilled to have a new vehicle that actually went in reverse. Wouldn't you?

In order to do things Dave Ramsay's way and GOD'S way, we are having to make some drastic changes. So one of the hardest things we have done is not sign the reaffirmation agreement on our Ford that has THREE rows of seats and is only a year and a half old. We are turning it back in. There is no way we can justify paying for it and even if Jeremy still had the salary he had at UPS, we would still be STUPID to keep it. Jeremy decided this week to make me start driving his truck so I will get accustom to having the three kids in a smaller, older vehicle. Thankfully it is four door but it does not have near the room or the bells and whistles mine does. While I am driving the truck, he is planning on buying a little clunker to drive to and from work . Today I got very frustrated with all the change going on. The kids and I went to Old Navy and were planning on going to Target until I realized what a chore it was to get them in and out of that truck. My attitude went down the drain when I started thinking about the Texas heat that will arrive soon and how sweaty I will get trying to get my stroller shoved in the FRONT seat with me and getting all the kids shoved in the back seat. Josiah can no longer take his seat belt off himself while in the booster seat because the seats are so close together. Today I felt like saying a million cuss words as I tried to get everyone loaded and the stereo/cd player in his truck sucks! See, don't I have a good attitude!

But on a brighter note, I bought some stuff for me and the kids at Old Navy today and that was wonderful. It's been a LONG time. We have not had credit cards in over a year but even so, my buying clothes every single time I went into to Target or Old Navy or Wal Mart has had to stop. Yes, I know. I sound like a spoiled brat but this is a new phase for me. And good grief Charlie Brown, it is TOUGH! I realize that this post may sound pretty dumb compared to all the things going on in our world. There are people with cancer, brain tumors, mom's who have sons serving in Iraq, etc. This really means nothing and that is what I am trying to focus on.

Right now, my friend's mini-van sounds like a Cadillac to me! I would take it in a heart beat! Clothes, shoes, cars, it really means nothing but it sure makes this life a lot more fun for us girls, don't it?!

Okay so I am off to get a better attitude and thank God for all the incredible blessings I have!

NO CAR PAYMENTS! That's worth it and that's a HUGE blessing!

(P.S. If you think you don't struggle with this stuff, if you can't be honest with yourself and others, don't comment. REAL life comments are allowed, nothing else. Thank you very much.)

Those dang expectations!

2007-05-10T14:39:00.000-07:00

Christmas in my house is usually overboard. Well, actually it's always overboard. It is by far my most favorite time of the year. I've written about it many times before but for those of you that don't remember, I begin playing Christmas music the first week in November and my house is decorated for Christmas the weekend before Thanksgiving. That time of year is magical for me because I get to live out many dreams by creating traditions with my children. We did not really have any traditions when I was growing up so I probably over do it with making ones for my own kids. I go crazy with baking, decorating, shopping, Christmas music, Christmas lights, taking the kids to do Christmas things, the kids always have matching Christmas shirts, Christmas pajamas (that I always buy the day after Thanksgiving) and we always send out Christmas card pictures. In fact, I have already started getting excited about decorating this year in a new house and I know that I bought some Christmas stuff last year the week after Christmas that I can't wait to get out and use! At Christmas time, you can call me Clark because that's pretty much who I become.

Jeremy told me the year before last that I need to chill out at Christmas time. "You have all these expectations for Christmas and if they don't happen, you freak out." It's so true! He was right. So last year I really tried to not freak out when we couldn't take Josiah to North Park Mall in Dallas to see the train Exhibit. And when I realized I did not have enough time to bake SANTA homemade Christmas cookies to put on our Santa plate, I was okay with store bought. Well, kind of. I beat myself up on the inside. Expectations! They get me every single time! I also felt like crap when I did not make Ava Beth's birthday cake last year or Josiah's birthday cupcakes. But Jeremy talked me into giving myself a break since I was nine months pregnant for both birthdays! I won't lie though, I still felt like I was breaking my birthday cake tradition. The kids did not put that expectation on me, I did. It seems I often set a standard for myself that I just can't keep up with and i can't imagine how that makes others feel. I can't keep up with myself so I sure don't want others thinking they have to. You know what I mean?

So here I am again with all of these expectations that just don't seem very realistic. I felt before we moved that we were being obedient to what God called us to do. I still feel this way. It has not changed. The problem I am having, the wrestling I am doing has to do with what I "thought" it would be like. Our life back in Dallas was missing something huge. Fellowship. It was missing encouragement, accountability and much more. For some reason I had these visions of going walking or running every night or morning because my husband would be home more. That is not happening. I pictured me sitting in coffee shops with the girls after the kids were in bed, not happening. I pictured us sitting down to eat dinner at 5:30pm every night instead of 7, 8 or 9pm! I pictured a lot of stuff that just aint' happening. I pictured more time with my husband. Instead I am getting less. My expectations have failed me.

If God would have told me all of this, we would not have moved. Obviously. But God, was asking us to take a step in FAITH. Faith requires me to do something even when I have no idea what lies ahead. A few of you have asked if Kyle and Erika ask us to move to help them. They did not ask us to come to Austin. Sometimes I wish they would have. I think it would be easier in a way. But what we did came straight out of prayer. We were blind, totally blind. A career change, a house change, an everything change. There is not one thing about this that is COMFORTABLE.

A few of my family members lurk on this blog and they have shared that I don't seem happy. They have even started voicing their concerns about not having older people mentoring us, etc. They have said, "I thought Jeremy would not be working as much. I thought y'all would have more money to spend." And the list goes on and on and on. Even writing this is a risk because I know that family members will think we made a mistake because we are struggling. Which makes me think they may not fully understand what FAITH truly is. That comment may offend but this is my blog and I am fed up with having to say, "EVERYTHING IS GREAT" so they won't think we are failing.

My struggle is not in thinking we made a mistake. I do not believe that for one second. My struggle is with what God is asking of me. He is wanting me to trust Him right now despite what I see and my flesh is putting up the biggest fight ever! I honestly cannot remember a time where my spiritual battle was ever as tough as this. A church plant needs strong people that have their life in order and can give time to invest in the community. No, it doesn't need perfect people but the core group needs to be able to overcome. I feel like every single time I struggle or every single time we have to say no, that I am failing RC and failing myself. Yes, I KNOW it's only been a month but again, my expectations set me up!

I've got to quit operating in fear. I am struggling so much right now with seeing through the clouds instead of spending so much time grieving those expectations!

(Please keep in mind that this is an online journal. I share a lot of stuff and I don't expect everyone to hear my tone of voice or understand me, especially when most of you don't know me. I am not sitting in my house crying or freaking out. I'm just typing what I feel. I am not depressed, I am not doubting. I'm not unhappy. I'm just in the middle of a huge growth spurt and I am trying to remain positive when I feel like bitching instead.)

Blonde and short!

2007-05-09T23:36:00.000-07:00

For my friends that say they read my blog in the mornings as a devotional with their morning cup of coffee, SORRY. There is no inspiration here today! :) It's just me, me, me and I, I, I!!

FROM THIS

TO THIS!!!!

Remember this? Well, read #1 on the list to refresh your memory. It's all about my hair. My hair has been a huge topic lately between me and my husband. He's always wanted it long and I thought I did too. But the truth is, I love it short and I feel good when it's short and I think I get the most compliments when it's short. And hey! Who doesn't like compliments?! Believe it or not, I have even been praying about my hair. "Lord, please help me decide what to do with my hair and when I do it, please help me not to regret my decision." Because we all know how horrible it is to make a bad choice on our hair. That's why I don't do anything drastic while pregnant because I could change my mind after it's too late. I went to Beauty School, so I am used to changing my hair cut, color and whatever else. If you know me, you know I am a short-haired kind of girl and I just don't feel good with it long. I never wear my hair down. Never! It's always in a ponytail or in a clip. Pregnancy, flat irons and color has taken its toll on my hair in a big way. I have tried so many things to heal this breakage issue but nothing works. Honest to goodness, I have not used in a blow-dryer on my hair in over six months and I have not used a flat iron in almost a year. Still, it is breaking off big time!

Soooooo last night I decided to go short again. If you happen to see Pink on American Idol tonight, that is how I want it. It actually used to look like that when I was single and for the first three years of my marriage. When Jeremy met me, it was shorter than his and blonde. My natural color is blonde but, right now I have it brown with some red highlights. I don't like it! I saw Pink interviewed last week and decided that was what I was going to do. Then tonight we were getting ready to watch AI and the kids were going nuts so we paused it. While it was paused, the phone rang. It was my friend Erika. She put her daughter, Kylie, on the phone to tell me that she saw me on TV. While Pink was singing, Kylie yelled, "There's Miss Amanda on TV!!" Funny thing is, Erika and Kyle have seen my hair like that but not Kylie. When Kylie was born, my hair was nothing like that. I'm not sure why Kylie said that tonight but I thought it was hilarious and I think Pink is pretty and she can sing good so maybe Kylie was complementing me! :) I hope so!

As soon as I figure out who in the heck is a good short hair stylist and colorist, I am there! I have to find someone since my Mom lives three hours away. I can't wait!!!!!! So if you live in Austin and you know a place I can go, this will be my Mother's day present!!! I'm so excited that I don't know if I can sleep tonight! This girl is about to have her funk back! Thank you Jeremy! Thank you for letting me be ME.

Here's a few pics of all the things I have done through the years! Oh and if you don't want me to cut it, don't comment! :) I've made up my mind!

Take me higher

2007-05-07T11:17:00.000-07:00

Well, I am sitting here with a hot cup of coffee, listening to Lincoln Brewster and enjoying my last day of freedom. The kids have been with grandparents since Friday morning. We are leaving for Dallas tonight, actually Fort Worth this time, to go get the kids from Mom's house. While I have enjoyed a nice break, I miss them terribly.

The silence has been too weird. But I must admit that watching two movies in a row with my husband yesterday was very nice. We only hit pause once when the phone rang. If the kids were here, I don't think we would be watching one movie and two would be impossible! Yesterday I slept until 10am and today I slept until 9am. I would have slept longer but my husband called to tell me something and woke me up. He laughs at me because he knows how much I love to sleep and he is never able to sleep until 10am or 9am or even 8am. Since we have been married, there has never been a time we did not go to bed together. We always go to bed together and Jeremy told me early on in our marriage that he did not want that to change. So what I do is go to bed with him, watch TV until he goes to sleep and then I get up and blog or watch my tivoed shows. Seriously, that's what I do! Sometimes he will wake up and holler, "Babe. Come to bed!" Anyway, you get the point. We are so different when it comes to sleeping!

This morning I woke up missing Ava Beth crawling up in bed with me and snuggling. When she gets in bed with me, she has to be touching me. Sometimes she will go back to sleep but usually she starts talking. She's always talking. "Mama, I wuv you." Or "Mama, wake up. I want strawbey milk." Other times I have opened my eyes to see her laying next to me, staring into my eyes. I love that! When Josiah wakes up, he skips the mushy stuff. He usually did what Ava Beth does but not so much anymore. In fact, since we have moved to this house, he's grown up a lot. Instead of crawling in bed with me, he opens the door and says, "Mommy, let's go downstairs and have breakfast." And the day has officially begun when Zeke wakes up! Oh and he is just precious in the morning. He wakes up smiling and laughing and he curls up like a little ball in my arms. Just thinking about it makes me miss them soooooooooo much! It's nice to get time away because it makes you realize what blessings those little ones are! Time away is so bitter-sweet. Needed but hard at the same time.

Okay so I know everyone is probably tired of hearing it but please say a prayer for me as we travel back to the Metroplex. Right now I don't feel ready to travel to that area. Luckily we are not going to be close to our house, which is not on the market yet, and that's good because I couldn't handle it. I wasn't sure whether or not I wanted to talk about all of this but I have found that I find freedom in putting my pride to the side and sharing the real stuff. So here goes some of it.

We have our Bankruptcy meeting tomorrow with the Trustees and our attorney. It will only take about twenty minutes but thinking about it is really hard right now. For some reason I am really struggling with knowing that we are about to truly have our name with an big X over it when it comes to credit reports. When we bought our last house (which was too much), our credit was perfect. Seriously, it was perfect. Our interest rate was incredible but we went over our heads. Also, we are about to turn in a way too expensive SUV that we just can't pay for anymore. We could try to keep it but, it would be stupid. I am fighting that flesh so bad right now. I want the mini-van or the SUV or the Mommy car so bad. But cars are really not that important! (Thank you Ruth for your talk with me.) I am about to be without a vehicle until we save up enough money to do something. We can't get anything until the bankruptcy is discharged in July or August. In the mean time, Jeremy has thought about me just driving his truck (it's a four door) and him buying a cheap clunker for $1000. And there is NOTHING wrong with that. We are really hoping the house will not be foreclosed and that we are able to do a "quick sale" which is a little better than foreclosure. But we will not know what we are allowed to do until tomorrow. Even if we would have stayed in Dallas and Jeremy would have kept his job, we still would have been housebroke and there is NOTHING worse than being housebroke.

So here we are in Austin, living a brand new home that has never been lived in. It's bigger, it's nicer, it's twenty years newer and it's $500.00 cheaper a month!! AND the investor that owns it has said I can paint! Well, that's what I am going to do! We have a beautiful backyard, a huge covered patio, a game room, an awesome kitchen with appliances that usually come in a custom home and so much more. But for some stupid reason, I miss my house in Dallas! I think part of the problem I am having with adjusting is the fact that there is so much unresolved stuff back home. I feel like I have one foot there and one foot here and that is not very comfortable!

Since we have moved here, I have called my pastor/friend (Kyle) a few times for some reassurance. I really take comfort in what he tells me because he KNOWS me. He knows my personality, he knows my struggles and he knows my strengths. I also know that he prays for me so his words help me a lot. When I see God working in his life, it reminds me that God is working in my own. It's funny because I thought about calling Kyle today and asking for him to pray about this trip to the bankruptcy meeting and to pray about this horrible feeling of defeat I feel. But, I have a feeling he already has been praying for us. Anyway, Kyle reminds me of why we are here and it gets me excited to get through this crap and actually PLANT my freakin' feet here! I want to so bad!

This morning has been awesome. I have been worshipping so much. I have raised my hands, sang to the top of my lungs and cried a lot. The tears have not been because of sadness but excitement from knowing that I serve such an incredible God. I love him so much and I know He is doing so much right now that all I can do is worship Him. I have been singing all morning "Take Me Higher" by Lincoln Brewster. The song is very symbolic to me because the very first time I sang it was at my old church, Kyle was the Executive Pastor there. It was one of my favorite songs to sing and I specifically remember practicing it in the car one day before church and asking God to truly take me higher than I had ever been before. I can't help but think that God was preparing us then to be with Kyle and Erika. It is so amazing how God works. So look around at what's going on in your life today and thank Him for it because you have no idea how it may connect later on down the road.

So much going on but so much to be thankful for and so much to be excited about! God is working in my life and as He presses in, I KNOW he is creating SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL! I am learning that the beautiful part DOES NOT come from fancy highlights in my hair, trendy clothes and shoes, accessories and a nice "Mommy of three vehicle" but it truly comes from what God has changed. This is a tough place to get to and a tough place to be at but I know that I know that I know that I don't want to go back.

Take not Your Spirit from me
Lord lead me to Your peace
For my one desire is to be with You
Come cleanse my life and make me pure
Won't you wrap me up in Your arms and

CHORUS
Take me higher and draw me closer
And pull me deeper than I've ever been

Hide not Your face from me
Lord set my spirit free
FOr my one desire is to be with You
Come cleanse my life and make me pure
Won't You wrap me up in Your arms and

(Repeat chorus 2 times)

BRIDGE
Take me higher
Won't You draw me closer
Tkae me higher than I've ever been
Next to You is where I wanna be
Take me higher than I've ever been
Take not your Spirit from me
Take me
Take me higher than I've ever been before

(Repeat chorus 2 times)

I could not find Take Me Higher on MySpace but I found one of the best Lincoln Brewster songs ever! Go here and listen to it.

I Live For Your Glory

2007-05-07T00:15:00.000-07:00

Tonight I have been trying to spend some time in worship. There is nothing sweeter for me than to worship Jesus, my Savior, through music. I have posted a song that means so much to me. This song is special for so many reasons and when I sing it, God knows why. He knows what was going on in my life the very first time I heard it and he knows what was going on in my life when I first sang it.

I don't want to say that I am hurting but I am really, really struggling internally with all the change taking place in my life. Today I had the opportunity to talk about it with my husband. As we walked the aisles of WalMart, we talked. We were in the dairy section when Jeremy voiced out loud what he was seeing in me. He said everything I was feeling. I knew that Jeremy had been talking to God about me and that brought comfort. There is no one better to pray for me than my husband. I know his prayers have fire behind them! I have a lot of fear right now and I am trying to figure out how to work through it and truly let go.

When Jeremy and I were dating, His relationship with God was such an encouragement to me. I had been saved a long time but Jeremy had been saved for only a year when I met him. His passion for the Lord was what made me fall head over heels for him. That and the incredible smile and gorgeous olive skin! Deep down I think I knew we would make GORGEOUS babies! And we did. No really, his passion for the Lord was amazing. I remember one Sunday at the end of the service, he took me down to the alter and we knelt down and he prayed for me out loud. Yes, we met at church so obviously I knew He was trying to live for the Lord. But, I had always dated church guys and sometimes they are the worst kind to date. Jeremy was different though. He truly worshiped God in all that he did. There was another time I remember looking over at him during worship at church and he had his eyes closed with his hands lifted high in the air. He was truly in the midst of worship. I loved that about him, I still love that about him. Jeremy has one of the sweetest relationships with the Lord that I have ever seen.

Jeremy's Dad left when he was around six years old and he hasn't seen him since. If you look at pictures of his dad, it's crazy how much they look alike. Their expression, their toned forearms that show their hard work ethic, their hands, everything. But now I see how much Jeremy has taken on the ways of his Heavenly Father. He really is the sweetest, most warm guy you will ever meet. He would give you the shirt off of his back and when no one wants to do the hard work, he will be the last one standing. He worked for a company for thirteen years and called in sick TWICE. He is a man of integrity and I love the example he lives daily for our children. I am so proud of my husband.

Today I realized some reasons I am struggling but, the most important thing I realized was how much I can trust my husband. God is wanting me to look to Jeremy right now and to follow his lead. Others may not understand but God knows why. God knows the struggles I have had in my marriage and He has brought us here to do so much in and through us. So I am going to do what the Lord has told me to do. "Fall back into your husband's arms. Let him hold you. Follow his lead and as you do, you will be following me. You will be worshipping me by trusting your husband."

I hope you enjoy the song I have posted tonight. It's one of my favorite worship songs and the words mean a lot to me. God knows when I sing this song what it really means. He knows my heart, He knows my every thought and this song really gets me to that place with Him that I long to be.

Lord Jesus, thank you for all the things you are doing in my life. I could not do this without you. You have changed my life and you are my rock. Thank you Jesus for being that friend I can always pour my heart out to . I say this to you all the time but I will say it again. THANK YOU for saving me when I was only five years old! You knew how much I would need a Savior and I am so thankful that I learned to go to you with everything. Lord, please continue to show me and teach me how I can show your love to my children. I want Josiah, Ava Beth and Ezekiel to know you soon. I pray that they can accept you and know you as children. Father, help me to show them YOUR ways and YOUR love. Each night as I lay my hands on them and pray, I pray that they will truly make the connection from their heads to their hearts and KNOW you as their Savior like I did when I was just a little girl. Thank you for my babies. They are the most incredible gifts and I feel you loving me through them. Thank you for Jeremy. Thank you for giving me a husband that adores me so much and that takes care of us. God, I pray that you will bless him for working so hard. When he has to miss out on things going on with church, I pray that you will bless him immeasurably more for being such a hard worker and man of integrity. Thank you for giving me a husband like him. I am so blessed!! And Lord thank you for allowing me to hear your voice and thank you for giving me the gift to discern so many things. I love you Lord. I'm living for your glory Lord!!!

some verses I read tonight

2007-05-03T23:43:00.000-07:00

Struggling tonight, so I read these.

2 Timothy 2:24-26 And the Lord's servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. 25Those who oppose him he must gently instruct, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, 26and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will.

James 1:25 But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it—he will be blessed in what he does.

2 Chronicles 7:14 if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land.

Decieved

2007-05-02T18:07:00.000-07:00

This is what happens when you are downstairs watching American Idol with your husband and your two year old is upstairs supposedly watching Cinderella. Yes, I have red sharpie on my flat screen, on the expensive side, monitor and the two year old has red sharpie on her legs, her stomach and I think a few places on her arms. And you ask, "Why would you have sharpies in a place a two year old could find?" Well, if you are NOT asking, my husband did! So you see it goes likes this. The computer is in the game room inside a armoire type of thing that closes and the tv and dvd player that the kids use are top. We use it as a tv stand too!Ava Beth did not open the doors in the past but now she does and she did not ever climb either but now she does. So she opened up the computer desk, climbed on a chair and found a red sharpie that I had hidden behind computer paper! Well, let's just say that Ezekiel's social security card came in the mail soon after he was born and I placed it on top of the computer desk and she found it and colored the entire thing with the same red sharpie! That's why it is hidden! My husband even said, "It sure is quiet up there." I said, "She's fine. She is obsessed with Cinderella right now so I am sure she is just glued to the tv." WRONG!!! And since we do not have extra money right now to spend on computer stuff, I will just have to type and read through the red sharpie. Plus if I did have extra money I would not spend it on a computer screen, I would buy shoes!

The truth is, this new look on my computer screen is just a simple reminder that this is how life is. It's not perfect, far from it. Last night I kept trying to remove the scribbling from the screen with all different kinds of things. The more I tried to remove it, the more frustrated I became. Finally I just decided to read through it, type through it and not let it get to me. However, I can't pretend it's not there. It's way too noticeable. There is no way to clearly view pictures anymore on this screen. With every word that I type, I see red sharpie. I constantly have the urge to try and wipe it off but it's just not possible!

There is a constant struggle I face every single day. The struggle lies within myself and I am constantly dealing with self condemnation. I second guess myself, question myself, doubt myself and sometimes I just plain dislike myself. The more and more I talk with women, the more I realize that this is something we all face. Some are not willing to admit it, some can. But, it's something we all struggle with. Women can be easily deceived and I think Eve in the Garden reminds us of how easily it can happen sometimes. Remember the serpent's question? “Did God really say you must not eat the fruit from any of the trees in the garden?” (Now realize this is my interpretation, this is what the Holy Spirit has revealed to me when I read this passage.) In Genesis chapter 3:6 it says that the woman was convinced. She was convinced that what the serpent was telling her was truth. It wasn't though. Far from it! So in verse 13, God asks Eve why she ate the fruit and she says, "The serpent deceived me. That's why I ate it." We all know what Adam said. He blamed the woman! I will save my interpretation of that for another blog! Anyway, the point is that as a woman I sometimes struggle with being deceived by the things going in in my mind. I struggle to find the TRUTH, instead of what I am hearing from the serpent. That's just an analogy but, for me it really is true.

Spending time with women and learning different personalities, reminds me that we all are so different from one another. Our insecurities are different, our abilities are different, our struggles are different. But one thing is the same no matter who you are, our minds deceive us. With age and growth in the Lord I do believe that it gets better and we learn to be able to discern things and figure out when our minds are going into overdrive. That helps! If we don't get control of what's going on inside our minds, relationships can be ruined, marriages can be difficult and we can become so caught up in what we "think" is going on that we actually create our worst fears.

For example. If you feel like someone doesn't like you, you begin to tell yourself they don't like you, tell others they don't like you and then you begin acting like they don't like you. All of the sudden, the "thought" happens, they really do not like you! People will treat you how you treat yourself and if you act like no one likes you, no one is going to like you. It's pretty simple. I cannot tell you how many times I have struggled with this. Thank you Jesus, I have seen HUGE victory in this area of my life because I recognize the trap and I know what triggers those feelings. But in the past and still every once in a while I will find myself going down that road.

How many times have you been in situations when someone has not responded to you, said hi to you or made conversation with you and later find yourself at home "thinking" all sorts of insane crap? "Well, I don't think she likes me because when I said this, she did not smile. She must think I am bad for saying that." There are so many scenarios I could give. A ton! And if you are spending time with an immature group of women, this will happen a lot between all of them. Yuck, yuck, yuck! I don't like admitting this, but since I share my guts, I have to be honest. Three years ago I was in this type of setting. This was going on so much that I began to HATE group settings. I began to hate spending time with women and it wasn't all their fault by any means. I played a huge role and that's the part I don't like to admit! If only I could have been mature enough, if only those other women could have been mature enough to realize, we are not fighting ONE ANOTHER, this is the enemy. He is relentless and he will do anything and everything to plant seeds of doubt, self condemnation, self hate and all types of insecurities in order to keep you at home, away from Christian women that you need and who also need you!

I can always tell when this type of self condemning spirit is coming my way. See my computer screen? Do you see the red sharpie? That is how I feel! No matter what i do, everything is cloudy and my mind takes me places it should never go. When this happens, I feel like I can't see clearly. My vision is so distorted because I have chosen to listen to the enemy and be deceived. My spiritual eyes are total mush because my mind has been caught up in heavy duty, STINKIN THINKIN!

Your circle of women is the most important circle you have. Yes, your family comes first but I mean your circle of support, encouragement and rest comes from your gal pals! When my girlfriends pour into me, I am on top of the world. Watch out world, I am going to conquer all kinds of things when my friends lift me up! My marriage will be stronger, my parenting will be stronger and I will even like myself better. This is what our friends do! So what would Satan love to do? He would love to come in and plant all kinds of doubt in your mind to keep you from trusting your friends. The enemy is not sneaky to me anymore, I can see him coming a mile away. Sometimes I can see him coming a hundred miles away. Self doubt makes me pull back from friends. Insecurity makes me pull back from friends! Jealousy, envy, you name it, those things keep us from operating in love and we operate in fear instead.

I am thankful for my little Ava Beth coloring my computer screen because it reminds me that I cannot be deceived by what goes on in my mind. When my mind is feeling yucky (and you know what I am talking about ladies), it's time to pray that God can help me see past all the crap in my mind and see the TRUTH.

More than anything, I pray that each of you that read this will begin praying just that. Pray that the Lord can help you find the truth in every situation. Beat the enemy at his game and recognize the signs before your mind goes too far. May we be truth tellers, truth seekers and truth dwellers.

Father, help me dwell in your TRUTH.

iPod contest for all Mothers!!

2007-05-01T22:44:00.000-07:00

Okay, I never win anything. But maybe I will this time or maybe YOU will! Check this out!

a new section of my timeline

2007-05-01T14:41:00.000-07:00

History was a subject I hated with a passion. Especially when I had to memorize a time line. My teacher would hand out a blank time line where the students had to fill in the blanks. My Senior year in High School was one of those years where I had a History Final Exam I was dreading and as soon as the exam started, I knew why I had been dreading it so much! On my desk, for my final exam was a BLANK time line. Oh how I hated those kids that filled them out within five minutes and got to leave! Not me. I took my time because I did not want to see that horrible time line ever again. I was not about to come back for a re-take! So usually I was the last to leave. In case you are wondering, I did pass the final exam. Not too sure what the final grade was. The only thing I cared about was passing and I did.

I've written about my own time line many times on this blog and on my old blog, Far More Than Rubies. I truly believe with all of my heart that we all have our very own personal time line of our walk with Christ. I can write out my time line pretty well. I can tell you all about it and share with you the key moments in my life when God was working. Mine started at five years old when I accepted Christ as my Savior. Things were happening in my life back then that were painful, it's on my time line. Another major section of my time line was when my grandfather died, it's there too. My Dad becoming an alcoholic, it's there. The horrible, horrible things I experienced as a child, it's ALL there. Then my parents divorce and so on and so on. I have written about those details in previous blogs so I won't do it again today. But something that all of the things on my time line have in common is this. Every single growth spurt I have experienced in the Lord has involved pain. Every one of them! I truly believe with all of my heart that the times we grow the most and the times we truly learn to trust Jesus with our lives is when we are struggling.

Right now I can see my time line clear as day and there is a new section. It says, "Austin". There are some major things I am struggling with right now and I am not sure if I have ever, in my life, wrestled with God this much. Thankfully, I know that it is okay to wrestle. I find comfort in knowing that I am allowed to ask "why?" and I am allowed to wonder "what on earth have we just done?"! I'm allowed to miss my friends and take my time making news ones here. I am allowed to be cautious, I am allowed to set boundaries because right now I am not sure why we are here. Today I don't want to be here. I want to go back to my old house, to my old friends, and I even want Jeremy to have his old job. I want my huge shade tree in my front yard, I want my flagstone patio, I want my Dad a mile away and I want to be able to see my Mom whenever I want to see her and I want to grill out with my in-laws and watch the Maverick's game tonight with my Father-in-law! I want to stay at home during the week and not have any responsibilities except for my family because that's a lot in itself! I don't want to network, I don't want to build relationships, I don't want to plant a church. But thank God, that is my flesh and not my spirit. For I know that the spirit inside of me wants to do the TOTAL opposite of what my flesh wants to do. Hey, at least I have that much figured out! I know that this is a growth spurt. Struggling, wrestling, battling the mind, ALL equals growth spurt.

The Holy Spirit has been reminding me all day long that my flesh is kicking my butt right now. My mind is listening to the flesh way more than to the spirit. But this is where I can change HISTORY! This time in my life does not have to go down as a gut wrenching one. It can go down as a powerful one where I trusted Christ, trusted others, loved others and more. I am reminded of a scripture that I learned back in Sunday School as a little girl. In fact, this is one of the first scriptures Josiah memorized and still quotes when he is afraid to sleep in his own bed. Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

I know myself well enough by now to know when I am doing things on my own. If I am not walking in the spirit, I operate in fear and when I operate in fear, I tend to choose FLIGHT in the whole fight or flight scenario. Did I have doubts about our decision last week? No. Do I this week? Yes. Will I act on this and start freaking out? No. Would I have acted on it in the past and freaked out and begged Jeremy to take me back to Dallas? Yes. Thankfully the Lord has been doing a lot of stuff over the past two years that I know there are some things he is wanting me to see through. My flesh is not willing and I don't think it ever will be. Nothing bad has happened, I'm just feeling a little fickle and I know that when I am fickle and I am fearful. The two go hand in hand! I know God has called me to ministry, I know that. I know that I desire to work with women and teach them how to find victory over their past, I know that. Is that going to be here? I don't know and I don't know if that is what I want here or not. I don't know why God has me here. Actually I don't see it at all. I see why my husband is here and for the first time ever I feel like doing nothing but sitting back and letting him take the lead. In fact, that is the only way I am going to do this. I will not do it any other way. When I see him take risks, step out, become vulnerable, I will follow. Right now I just want to follow what God is wanting me to do and I think He is wanting me to serve Jeremy before I serve anyone else. For me, that's the hardest person to serve.

So here I am again. I am at a new place on the time line. The things going on in our world right now will be documented. Every single decision George W. Bush makes will be in the History books. I love him but his stubbornness will be documented and it won't be something people rave about. The same goes for me. I want to "get" what God is trying to teach me. I DO NOT want to re-take the exam!

I'm getting ready to paint our house. I can't stand white walls. First I thought about doing my living room in a slate blue and chocolate brown again. Quickly I changed my mind. I want something new! This house will be different from my old. New colors, new style, new decor and new attitudes. It's a lot of work to paint a house and it's a lot of work to change this person that I am sometimes. But it sure is worth it! For I can do ALL things through CHRIST who strengthens me!

James 1: 2 Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. 3 For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. 4 So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. 5 If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. 6 But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. 7 Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8 Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do. 9 Believers who are poor have something to boast about, for God has honored them. 10 And those who are rich should boast that God has humbled them. They will fade away like a little flower in the field. 11 The hot sun rises and the grass withers; the little flower droops and falls, and its beauty fades away. In the same way, the rich will fade away with all of their achievements. 12 God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him

Bleeding blue and green AND blue and silver, always!

2007-04-30T14:33:00.000-07:00

Okay this will probably be a very boring post for women and there are not too many men reading my blog so this may be a waste! But, I will feel better to get this all out! I will probably have zero comments. It's funny I have over three hundred people reading my blog everyday but I have the smallest amount of comments on any blog I have ever seen! :) Lurker, lurker! Oh how I love the lurkers! :)

I was born with a Dad obsessed with sports. Not just any sports but DALLAS sports. I love to play sports (sand volleyball to be exact) and I enjoy playing basketball too. If I did not have three kiddos at home, I would be looking for some kind of women's league to play on like I did when I was single. Right now I am dying to play tennis but I just don't see how on earth that can happen with my current mothering status. Maybe someday.

Okay, so thanks to my Dad, I really love watching the Dallas Cowboys and Dallas Maverick's. In fact, he is the one I call when the games are on. Or I call my Father-in-law because he will talk sports with me too. And I have Jeremy! Last year Jeremy got kind of crazy during football season. I heard some cuss words come out of his mouth during Cowboy season a lot! We LOVE Cowboy season! We both listened to Randy Galloway (l listened to my radio in the kitchen while cooking supper and J listened to it driving home), a relentless Terrell Owens hater, back in Dallas and enjoyed his column in the Fort Worth Star Telegram. I have to say that there is no place like Dallas when it comes to sport's media! It is insane but, we love it. It makes the fans feel like they are a part of something pretty awesome.

So last year at this time, the whole family was sporting Dallas Mavs T-shirts. In fact, the day I found out I was pregnant with Zeke, I was wearing a Dallas Mavs tshirt because we were having a watching party at our house that night for a playoff game. We even had a sign in the yard supporting the Mavericks! Those game nights became nights of grilling out and cold beer. It was so much fun! Well, now we are in Austin. I can't seem to find anyone here with the same passion. Makes me kind of sad. I can't turn on the radio and listen to Randy Galloway. But this afternoon, I plan on tuning in via Internet. Instead of seeing Dallas Maverick's tshirts, everyone is wearing San Antonio Spurs tshirts and I would not be caught DEAD wearing a Spurs tshirt! Perish the thought! No way! And for sure not the Houston Rocket's either! You can forget that!

Well today I am feeling pretty upset about our Dallas Maverick's. I wish I were in Dallas to experience this playoff nightmare with everyone else. They had the best NBA record for regular season, yet they are behind by three games! If we loose tomorrow night, it's done. Last year we came in second place and I actually remember crying when we lost to Miami. And now we are loosing to Nellie, our former coach. It's disgusting, sickening and last night I stayed up late to watch and then couldn't sleep because I was so mad. I felt like throwing up! Last year we made franchise history and if we win the next three games, it will be a miracle!

And just thinking about the Cowboy season right now makes me sad. I can't stand the thought of living three hours away from Dallas during the season. After all, you are reading the blog of a woman who dreamt of being a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader when she was five years old. I had the jacket and everything! I miss the fans already! It's still my dream to go to the traditional Thanksgiving Day game that the Cowboys play every single year. I'm going to start praying now!

I am loving Austin, promise. But these people here just don't understand! Well, we have one guy in our RC group that does. Brandon. He will understand the rule of no talking during a Cowboy game! But I don't think there is anyone else. I'm not in Dallas anymore but I am so glad that I'm still in Texas. It's the best place on earth, no doubt. Maybe I need to start going to Roundrock Express games. That will give me a sports team to pour my love on!

It seems I am having a hard time getting familiar with the news channels here. Yesterday I was struggling with the Weather guys. I miss Troy Dungan and Pete Delkus! And now I am missing the sports guys! I never in a million years expected to miss Dale Hansen but, I do. (No one likes Dale!) Actually I really miss Babe Laufenburg and Steve Dennis. You see when I watched the news this morning and even over the weekend, Austin did not highlight who Dallas chose in the NFL draft. I had to log on to see it or hear it from my Dad on the phone. And then this morning, the Austin news barely said ANYTHING about the Mavericks.

So you see, I am adjusting to more than a new house with new surroundings! I am adjusting to new news channels and the lack of excitement here for Dallas teams. Once a Dallas girl, always a Dallas girl!

(I can't imagine how my brother felt moving to Seattle. I could never leave Texas. NEVER! Glad your home Josh, glad you are home!)

Can it be all about me today?

2007-04-29T17:17:00.000-07:00

It's been almost a week since I last posted and I wasn't sure when I was going to be able to do it again. So this will be short and to the point.

Here's the deal. I don't have time to really do anything any more. The battle comes when I am trying hard to make it all about me when it is all about these kids right now. I have had some friends in the past that get upset when I don't return their phone calls. Well, if you are my friend now, you have probably figured out that I may never return your call! This parenting thing is 24/7, totally 24/7!!

Jeremy has been working some insane hours lately, including Saturdays. It's not a permanent thing but there is so much he is learning right now that it's pretty much a necessity. So unless I get up early or stay up really late, we don't have time together. The hard thing is, we moved here to plant a church. But the past three weeks have proved to be very challenging and we have missed a few Church planting events. Our Pastor is understanding and knows we are settling. When they moved here they did not have events going on for a while so it's going to take us a little time to get planted and they understand that. Thank God! But, I am having a hard time understanding it. I WANT to be a part of it. I WANT to be at everything and when I am not, I feel like I am missing out on making memories during the birth of this church. I keep hearing people say, "You've been here THREE weeks. Give yourself some time, Amanda!"

Right now Zeke takes two naps a day, sometimes three. The two long naps are three hours long! One in the morning, one in the afternoon. :) Ava Beth's nap is three hours long in the afternoon. Josiah rarely takes one but he will if I really want him to. Otherwise, he has quiet time with books or trains or a movie. You would think that I would have time to myself during those nap times but it seems like there is so much to do that time alone is very difficult. I have to admit, I am spoiled. I never went to the grocery store with kids until we moved. Now that is the only way I can shop unless I want to go on the weekend or late at night. I was so blessed to have family close by. My Dad lived so close that he would come over while I cooked supper and played with the kids. I was never in a bind with babysitting, never. And getting time alone was something I just had to plan, not pray for. :)

So now I am trying to figure out how I can get up earlier to spend time with God and myself. How can I find the ENERGY? What can I do to organize my day better or will it just be an up hill battle with three little ones? This is a season, I know it will pass. But it is a tiring season, for sure!

This Friday I am meeting J's parents half way so they can take all three kids until Sunday. Then on Sunday, J's mom will meet my mom and they will be with her until Tuesday. So I will have several days alone!! I am so excited! Of course I will miss them like CRAZY while they are gone and think about them non-stop!

Okay so this week I am moving the kids bed time up a notch and hoping to find some time for me and also time for me and J. Daddy just took the kids to the park and he told me to stay home and spend time by myself. But I already feel guilty for not making the park a family event. See! I feel damned if I do and damned if I don't!

Well, my time alone is me folding clothes! The laundry is never done and it never will be. Oh well. As Josiah would say, "Five more moons until I go to Grammy's house!" Yes, five more moons until I can sit on my butt and do NOTHING! I remember my Mom telling me all the time when I was a teenager, "Mandi, it's not all about you." Well, that is so true. It's not all about me but, for one day I would like it to be. Just one day of it being all about Amanda would be great!! Hey, a girl can dream!

breakfast with a friend (part I)

2007-04-24T23:50:00.000-07:00

Many of you have asked so I figure it is time to share how we got to Austin.

It's amazing what a little time away can do. This afternoon, I got to have some "me" time. I have not had time alone in quite a while. Actually, it's been about three weeks and that's entirely too long for a mother of three! Or any mother for that matter! My mind has been full of so many things and my heart has been heavy. I figured there was no better place to spend my two hours away than Starbucks. I arrived at Starbucks, anxious to sit alone and breathe, think and reflect. At that moment I wished for a laptop but pen and paper was all I had. It was then I decided to take advantage of those items and write the old fashion way. Yes, I used my hand writing skills and wrote out our story with pen and paper! And here's what came out at Starbucks.

It seems that I am in shock mode right now. I still can't believe I am here. While waiting on my grande, extra hot coffee, it hit me once again that I'm not in "Kansas" anymore. I mean Dallas! Standing at the counter, I survey the Starbucks. I look around at all the coffee mugs for sale. Every single time I go into a Starbucks, I am tempted to buy a new mug. Today was no different, except this time I refrained. I did not buy a new coffee mug! But I decided to go ahead and "window shop" and look. Suddenly I notice one in particular. It said, "STARBUCKS AUSTIN." Something about seeing that coffee cup made this new journey so real.

Just a few months ago, things were different. This, I did not see coming. You might say I was drinking from another cup. Ha!

We had just filed bankruptcy, chapter seven to be exact. Things seem to be looking up and we were on the road to a fresh start. The time had come where we began to feel that going back to a corporate worship service might be a good idea. Really we felt that we needed to do it for the kids. So we decided to go but not get involved for at least a year and maybe never. It's funny to think back to this chain of events because I can now see what God was doing. One Saturday night, we went to church. After it was over, we got in the car and Jeremy said, "We aren't going there. I mean I guess we can if you really want to but I don't think we are supposed to. I just think that God is going to bring the church to us." And then I begin to freak out! "Babe, what do you mean God is going to bring the church to us? We have got to get back into church! We have to try at least! We can't sit out forever and we need PEOPLE!" And he says, "Okay. We can go there if you want but I don't think we are supposed to be there. God has something for us, I know He does." I remember wanting him SO BADLY to say, "Okay let's go there. That is where God wants us." But, he didn't. I started questioning him and thinking, "Is he really praying about this? How does he know what we are supposed to do?" Clear as day, I heard the spirit of the Lord say to me, "Trust Jeremy."

About three weeks later, Jeremy found out he had a vacation. He knew it was in March but he thought it was the last week in March. Instead it was the first week in March. Prior to me knowing he was on vacation that week, I made plans with a friend of mine who lived out of town. Her and her husband would be in Dallas and she wanted to meet me for breakfast so she could see me and the kids. This was a couple we had served with at our old church. The husband was on staff as the Associate/Executive Pastor. While we were attending the same church, we were not close but one day I got an email from my friend telling me she had been reading my blog and that it had been a blessing to her. First of all, i was shocked to receive the email because I had not talked to anyone from our old church in a long time and second of all, I had no idea she was reading my blog. From that moment on, we began chatting on email and sometimes on Gmail instant messaging, eventually we talked on the phone. I really enjoyed our conversations because they were easy, light and fun. Sometimes we talked about recipes, decorating, our kids and even reality TV. I knew they had moved to Austin to plant a church so she often shared with me the fun stuff they were doing and all the people they were meeting. I will never forget hanging up the phone one day after talking to her and thinking to myself, "I wish we could be a part of what they are doing." But that was it! It was just a thought. And I think I thought how cool it would be to find something like that in our neck of the woods.

Okay so back to the breakfast. Jeremy was supposed to be working, so we thought but found out at the last minute (it was on a Friday) that he would be on vacation the next week. We made plans to do stuff as a family and we took care of everything regarding our bankruptcy. It was a fun week and also a week where I could go get my hair done since Jeremy was home. Without thinking, I accidentally scheduled my appointment for the morning I had planned to meet our friends for breakfast. Two different times I thought about canceling and explaining to my friend that Jeremy was on vacation and that I had to get my hair done. In fact, I emailed her to let her know that our breakfast would have to be fast because of my appointment. I really thought she would say, "Don't worry about it. We will do it another time." Instead, she said they would drive closer to me and meet earlier so we could have more time. And she said it would be nice to see Jeremy too since her husband would be with her. Honestly, I was not looking forward to getting all three kids dressed and ready to meet for breakfast at 8am. That's early in our house!

Well, we all made it to the breakfast and had a great visit. We mainly talked about our kids and the TV show, Heroes and laughed over some good times at our old church. I was having such a good time that I lost track of time and realized I was going to be late for my hair appointment. We wrapped things up and all walked out together. As we were leaving they told us to come visit them and if we wanted to go to Sea World, it would only be an hour and a half from their house. I can't explain it but as we walked away to go our separate ways, I felt kind of sad. I thought how nice it would be if they really were friends that we could spend more time with but I knew that with them living in Austin, that would not be possible. Still to this day I remember driving away and feeling connected to them. I did not understand it but I felt it. Before we could even get out of the parking lot, I looked at Jeremy and said these words. "Wouldn't it be cool if we could move to Austin and help them plant the church?" And the words that came out of my husband's mouth STILL shock me to this day. "Maybe that's what we are supposed to do. I could finally leave UPS and we could be a part of something that we believe in and understand." Then I say. "Our families would FREAK OUT!" And Jeremy said, "Yeah. It would be hard. It would be really hard to not have grandparents to help us with the kids but what if, just what if this is what God wants us to do?"

Shock! Pure shock ran through my body. Anyone that knows Jeremy KNOWS how crazy that conversation is. I could not believe what I was hearing. I knew that God was leading Jeremy to quit his job, I just wondered when in the heck he would do it or how. Instantly, INSTANTLY, I KNEW, I mean I KNEW that God was leading us to move. But I remained skeptical with Jeremy. I wanted it to be his idea, not mine. I did not want to play salesman to him. For the FIRST time EVER in our marriage, I kept my mouth shut so he could figure this out with God. I had played Holy Spirit way too many times in the past and I was not about to do it again.

to be continued...

What is a Church Plant?

2007-04-24T12:10:00.000-07:00

If you would like to understand more of what we are a part of, please visit my Pastor/Church Planter/friend's blog.

Many of you have been asking a ton of questions and I have been trying to answer them but I think Kyle does a better job of explaining.

Let me just say, that some of you have even been confused with my homesickness and sadness. Despite the homesickness, I have not doubted God one time. I have not doubted this calling he placed on our lives to move to Austin (Tonight I will write about this). My struggle is not doubt. Also one of my family members has been reading my blog and feels that I am not happy due to the tone of the last few blogs. I don't have a lot of time to write but let me say this for the record. Happy comes and goes. Buying a pair of shoes makes me happy! Buying a pair of shoes does not bring JOY! So I don't even like to use that word. Right now I may be struggling in my pursuit of happiness but I am NOT struggling in my pursuit of JOY. Joy is in my gut, it goes way down into my belly and I've got it! If I didn't have joy, then you should all be worried.

Can I get an amen out there from moms trying to take care of three kids, the house, the husband and yourself? It's a hard job. It's the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and for thirty-one years I lived in Dallas and now I live somewhere new while trying to take care of a three kids (one of them being a newborn). My husband has a new job and there is so much change that I am having to throw myself at the feet of JESUS daily. So, I may not sound happy but I just need time to adjust.

I would appreciate some bloggity blog prayers!

just a bunch of nothing

2007-04-24T12:05:00.000-07:00

Okay, I am tired so I don't feel like writing anything very significant so I will just list some stuff going on. How about that? I could go to bed but blogging helps me unwind and it's quiet around here. So here's a big list of things I have running through my brain right now.

1. My hair is driving me crazy. I would love to go back to the days of being platinum blonde and it being so short that I did nothing but rub some product in it (CREW for Men is my favorite) and go. I'm not joking, I would spike it up, mess it up and even wear a cute fohawk for a girl! I loved it and so did everyone else. But, I think Jeremy would FREAK out and I think I would miss having hair I can put in a ponytail. Seriously though, my hair has major breakage and I am sick of it. I never wear it down. Never! My mom lives three hours away and with me having three kids, I have figured out that it is not realistic for me to drive to her salon and get my hair done. There is no way I can afford to keep up these highlights if I have to pay. Soooo, now I am thinking about going dark brown again! It would be easy, so easy and it was kind of fun being a brunette.

2. I need a break from the house, the kids and even the dog. I want to go somewhere all by myself and sit. Actually I want to take my Bible and read the book of Acts. I've read Acts before but I am feeling drawn to it again and my friend Vivian suggested I read it again. So I think I may sneak away tomorrow afternoon (Jeremy will be home early) and read!

3. Today is my Pastor's birthday. Jeremy went to his house tonight for a Heroes watching party (one of our favorite shows) and I stayed home with the kids. It's weird typing, "my pastor". I have not had a pastor in a long time but I sure am glad I have one now. And yes, I have been homesick but my pastor sent me an email last night and commented on my blog about this funk I've been in. It helped a lot. Yeah, let's face it, confirmation from him is good from time to time.

4. A ton of friends called me today to check on me. I always know who is reading my blogs because when I am having a hard day, the phone rings off the hook. Erika, Diana, Tiffany, Janna, Kelly F., Kelly Ann, Kathy, Paula, Ruth, Cindy. Wow. I feel super blessed! No joke, that's how many gals called me today! (Paula, I will call you tomorrow. Sorry for the phone tag!)And if I left anyone off, please forgive me. A girl can't survive without her friends!

5. I got a Bumbo off of Ebay last week and it came in the mail today. Zeke loves it!!! And I do too! We will probably be taking this in to restaurants with us for sure. I also got one of these but it is not here yet. I hope it gets here soon because I sure need it. Thankfully I was able to get this new stroller because I sold my pain in the butt, tandem jeep stroller on ebay last week too! Man, I hated that stroller!

6. Friday night is a girl's night and we are eating at a really cool place in Austin called Shady Grove(sounds like a mental hospital on a soap opera)! It should be fun to get out and spend time with the ladies! The guys have had lots of guy time lately so they all agreed to give us a break. Have fun with all the kiddos guys! :)

7. The kids love it here. I really think they are adjusting well and they love having so many kids around them. Our lack of involvement back in Dallas was not good for them. Now that we are socializing again, they are too. I am so proud of them!

8. I find that I am having to explain over and over again what a church plant is. Maybe if Kyle reads this, he will be encouraged to explain it in detail on HIS blog. Then I can send all of these inquisitive family members of mine to his site. Obviously I am not doing a good job of explaining because I continue to get the question, "Where do y'all meet on Sundays?" Then I say, "We aren't meeting on Sundays. YET!" This is followed by blank stares. Kyle, could you help me out??? Please!!! And don't explain it with any sentences ending in "blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." :)

9. I ordered a book about spiritual gifts and I can't wait to get it in the mail. It was under $5.00 on Amazon! I really feel like I know what my spiritual gifts are but I want to understand them better. One of my spiritual gifts is a HUGE struggle for me and it is also burdensome at times. So I'm going to do an independent study!

10. We are starting accountability/Bible reading groups at RC. They will be groups of three. I am really excited about it and I know it is something I need. I prayed about my group and my husband's group. I made no request to Kyle or anyone else but I prayed about who I felt like we should be with in our groups. I prayed that God would give Kyle the wisdom to choose the best fit and Kyle put me with the exact two ladies I felt I was supposed to be with and he did the same with Jeremy. And I think that is pretty cool. The fact that I prayed about it, prayed for Kyle as he chose groups and then saw God orchestrate it,gets me excited!

There you have it! Now you know all the stuff going on in this crazy head of mine! And now the night writer is going to bed.

ticked off

2007-04-23T22:37:00.000-07:00

Okay so I have been trying to post pictures for an hour! No luck with BLOGGER OR ROCKYOU! UGH!

I have some incredible pictures of the kids and the beautiful Hill Country in Austin. I guess I will try again tomorrow.

homesick

2007-04-22T21:18:00.001-07:00

I can honestly say that I have never been in this spot before. Never. I have never lived outside of the Dallas-Fort Worth Metroplex. Everything I have known to be familiar and comfortable has changed. Even as I type this, I can't stop the tears. I did not see this coming. I truly felt that it wouldn't be too hard because we knew the Lord brought us here. I know, I know, that sounds silly. I should know better than that! But, wow! My heart is really having a hard time transitioning. I have even cried over the big, gigantic, full grown, oak tree in the front yard at the old house. Only twigs in my yard here. (I'm sure God will speak to me through those baby trees. I am sure I could find some symbolism there.)

Hebrews 11:1
Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.

And this is what I cling to. Despite the lump in my throat from feeling homesick, I still know that we heard right!

A supernatural source

2007-04-22T11:07:00.000-07:00

This morning I am struggling. Struggling with some things that are between me and God. I am wrestling in my spirit. My flesh has me going in one direction, while the spirit that lives inside of me, has me going in another. There is a pattern in my life and it always starts in my mind. I physically feel and emotionally feel that the Lord is pressing in and bringing about things to purify this decision we have made to move to Austin. As much as I understand how REAL life is and how REAL it is no matter where you are, my flesh had this silly idea that things would be easier. But, it's not easier. Instead, I think it's harder. There are many reasons why I think this is hard but I feel that instead of writing them for all eyes to see and judge, I will voice them to my Heavenly Father. He's my safe place and with Him, I will not find judgement. In Him I will find rest, encouragement and affirmation. And that is so what I need right now. The world cannot give me those things in the way that I need them.

My husband just came upstairs, looked over my shoulder as I sat here wondering what to type next and said something that makes total and perfect sense. "It's growing pains, Babe. That's all it is." You know? He's right. The things I am struggling with come in form of growing pains. And the great thing about growing pains is they give me proof. Proof that I am GROWING! I long to grow in the Lord. As I talk to God constantly about what I am feeling, one of the things I have always prayed is this. "Father, help me to grow in YOU, not in the things of this world." That prayer may not makes sense to you but I know what it means and so does He.

There is something really big that plays a huge part in this wrestling going on in my mind right now. God's word. I haven't been in it! I have written in blogs before about how much God's word changes me. It is something I know has power and if I tap into that power, my entire outlook changes. It's that powerful! The Word has a heartbeat. It's living, breathing and life changing. At times I read scripture and may not always understand or remember everything I have read but it doesn't matter. My spirit soaks it up, for it truly is a supernatural source.

Once again I am reminded that I am lacking nutrition that comes from His Word. I cannot walk this walk without the power of God's Word in my life.

Hebrews 4:12 (NKJV) For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.

Sometimes I don't know what I am feeling, why I am feeling it or anything else. Sometimes, it's just feelings. This particular state I am in, is when I feel pretty yucky. That's the only way to describe it, yucky. I know by now, this is the worst possible time for me to make a decision and the worst possible time for to act based on feelings. I also know by now that when I feel this way, I am sick. It's not a physical sickness but something in my emotional state that has to be worked through and that's when I have to rely on Jesus to do the work for me. This is when I KNOW I must draw close to His Word so that the Word can have it's way in my life. And this is why I love the scripture in Hebrews so much. His Word is LIVING and POWERFUL! His word is so sharp that it can pierce the division between my soul and spirit. You see the true division is not between us and other people, it's between our flesh and spirit. Right now I need the Word of God to pierce the division between my flesh and my spirit. That's where my battle is! When I read the part about His word reaching my joints and even my marrow, I can't keep my eyes dry. God's Word is so powerful that it reaches my bone marrow! Wow. The more I mature in the Lord, the more I realize that if I am not walking in the spirit, my discernment cannot be trusted. Often I have to pray through what I am "feeling" and ask God to reveal to me the TRUTH. We cannot rely on our flesh to show us the TRUTH of situations or circumstances. Our flesh will fail us, always. Fear, discouragement, pride, anger, resentment, those come from our flesh.

In order to train that rotten, stinky, disgusting flesh, I have to rely on scripture. There's really no excuse. As growing believers, we should be treating our Bibles like we treat our cell phones. We may be ten miles down the road, realize we left our cell phones and drive all the way home to get it. We search the house frantically for it. We carry it on our hips, in our purses and some of us wear it in our ears at all times. If only we treated our bible like we treated our cell phones. We can't expect to grow, learn and tame that rotten flesh if we don't spend time DAILY in His word.

This morning, I am back at it. I am back in His Word. That's where I long to be and that is where I long to stay. It's through His word I can be a truth teller, truth seeker and someone that is able to discern the truth in every circumstance. Feelings and emotions are crap! So today I am weeding through those and seeking the TRUTH! And that my friends, is the ONLY way to live!

We got a pile up in the Hill Country!

2007-04-21T10:27:00.000-07:00

PawPaw is here for the weekend and since he has worked for Union Pacific Railroad for thirty-four years, he knows trains and Josiah loves trains. He could not wait for PawPaw to arrive so they could play trains. Now my brother is working for UP as a Conductor and Josiah thinks that is the coolest thing he has ever heard of.

I have mentioned in previous posts on this blog about us living near a UP Railroad track so the sound of trains is constant. Josiah could not be happier, especially if we have to sit at the crossing and wait for one to pass.

So this one is for Uncle Josh.

"We got 'em piled up in the Hill Country. The main line is torn out due to a massive pile up at Hutto/Austin sub.! The derailment has been closed out as human factor due to Conductor Trainee, Josh Livingston, running through a main line switch and making a reverse move! Livingston has been drug tested and removed from service, pending a formal investigation (His Dad, James Pierce, DMM, refuses to comment)." :)

Ha, ha! Just kidding Uncle Josh! You are the best Conductor ever! But from the looks of these trains in the picture, you still have lots to learn!

Mommy/Mi Mi has arrived!

2007-04-20T22:47:00.000-07:00

The parents are here and that means one thing! MY MOM HAS THE BABY MONITOR!!!!! WOO HOO!

I promised homemade waffles, bacon, eggs. etc., as long as she wakes up with the baby at 6am!

I told her it would be more like 7AM! This is the ONE time I don't feel an ounce of guilt for LYING! Between me and you, he will be up at 6am!

I am tired folks! I got nothing else to say!

The night writer needs some sleep!!!!!!!!

I come alive when it's dark!

2007-04-19T23:00:00.000-07:00

In case you have not figured it out by now, I am a night person. But oh how I long to be a morning person. Morning people, I admire. They just seem to be totally opposite of me and also seem to have their head a little more together than me. And wouldn't you know, I am married to a morning person. He is the kind of guy that doesn't need an alarm because he wakes up with the birds. NOT ME!

So my girls in the RC camp, I am the one to call when you want to make a midnight run to Wal Mart or HEB plus (I am starting to really like that HEB Plus!)! Those trips are the best!

Not this weekend but the next, RC will participate in the Relay For Life. We will be up ALL NIGHT LONG and at first I thought there was no way on earth I would even TRY to do that with three kids but now I am thinking how much fun it will be! Maybe the kids can stay with grandparents (if I can convince one of them to meet me in Waco to get them for the weekend) or they can stay in the tent with some of the other kids. Regardless, I am a night owl and I work best late at night and I have more fun late at night and I make people laugh late at night and I do impersonations late at night and I do things late at night that I would never do during the day because I AM A NIGHT OWL!

My Dad started this. I remember when I was a little girl, my Mom would fall asleep every single night while watching TV. But my Dad came alive. This is when I learned to appreciate midnight snacks! Slices of cheddar cheese on saltine crackers and a big glass of ice milk! Yes, ice milk. And how can I forget my first scary movies? Jack the Ripper and Hush, Hush Sweet Charlotte and countless episodes of The Twilight Zone. Oh sure, this may be why I am fearful sometimes. But, these are great memories and I inherited my love for the night from my Dad.

If you have a movie marathon, a DVD series movie night or you want to play cards into the early mornings hours, I'm your girl!

My mom used to get so aggravated because I would stay up late as a teenager and then come home after school and nap. During the Summer, I would sleep until noon. Wow! That was fun! When I was growing up, I loved it when I was sick, had fever the night before a school day and I knew I would be staying home. That was the best! I would stay up until 2AM watching TV because I knew I could sleep the day away! I love that feeling! Then when I was single and lived alone, I would go country dancing with a church group on Thursday nights. I had a job where I worked every other Friday (nine hour days allowed this) and had the other Friday's off. So when it was my Friday off, I came home on Thursday afternoons, slept until 9pm and then got up, got dressed and went dancing! And then on Friday? Well, I slept!! Ahhhh!

I can think better at night, sing better at night, concentrate better at night, and enjoy myself better at night. For sure, for sure, I am a night owl and so is my two year old daughter. Yep, she likes to sleep too! She's JUST like her mama!

Well, it's 11pm. I think I will go to bed early tonight.

more guts to spill

2007-04-18T23:03:00.000-07:00

One of my very best friends back from Junior High, Janna, used to always say in our passed notes in the hallway, "I love your guts!" It stuck with me. We have all heard people say, "I hate your guts" but I love your guts isn't something you usually hear. So I say it to my Mom, I say it to Janna and I say it to Kelly Ann. And if I tell you that I love your guts, I really mean I love your guts. It sounds silly, but it's powerful. At least I think so! So for my friends that love me just as I am, guts and all, here is a blog you won't mind reading because once again, I share my guts!

My husband worked a twelve hour day today. Twelve hours! This also means I worked a twelve hour day. No breaks! I remember when I just had one child and napped every single day when he did. Actually having a newborn was tough in the beginning, especially since he was my first but after a few months, I got a lot of sleep. Then came baby number two twenty-three months later. It was tough in the beginning but Ava Beth began sleeping through the night at eleven weeks and through the help of the Baby Wise book, I managed to get the kids on a similar schedule. I was blessed indeed because they BOTH took three hour naps at the same exact time every single day until about four months ago when Josiah, my four year old, dropped naps. Twenty-four months after Ava Beth was born, Ezekiel was born. Josiah no longer naps but he is pretty easy, Ava Beth still takes a three hour nap every day and Zeke naps too. But, having three is without a doubt, 100%, the hardest thing EVER! Don't get me wrong. One is hard and two is hard but I have to tell you that THREE is harder. All of you moms out there that have more than three, I truly believe you are AMAZING. Praise the Lord, my three month old sleeps all night but I am still exhausted. Actually, I am beyond exhausted.

I knew it would be hard living three hours away from my Mom and three and a half hours away from my in-laws and Dad. My Dad came over just about every other day and I was able to run out to go tan, run an errand or just take a bath. Sometimes he would just play with the kids outside while I made dinner. It was nice knowing he was down the road if I needed him. The same with Jeremy's parents, they were close and often kept them over night. My Mom would sometimes keep them one or two nights at a time since she was a little further. People told me all the time how blessed I was to have grandparents so close and I knew I was but now I really understand what a blessing it was.

So this is where I am trying to find the balance. I am one of ten billion other moms out there struggling in this area. A good friend of mine once told me, "It's not your decade." She is a mother of four so I think I understand what she means! I am reminded of how much these babies have to come first. Motherhood is hard, yes. But, sometimes I just need to suck it up and do my job. Today I have complained a lot. I have whined a lot and been angry that I can't get a moment alone. Then I am reminded that I have the best life ever. I prayed for this. I am living my dream and they are my FIRST priority. If things are not flowing well in my home or I can't find joy in my day to day routine, nothing else is going to work.

I need a better attitude. There has been a lot of change lately and I feel like I have a lot of eyes on me right now. We have family watching and probably reading to see how we are handling it. We have people that thought we should have stayed where we were instead of moving because of our family being so young, etc. They are waiting for us to screw up, at least that's what I feel. Then I feel that our team probably wonders how we are going to manage, wondering if we are the real deal or wondering if we will be able to handle the challenge of church planting while raising a young family. How will our marriage be? How will we be in our relationships? How much time will we be able to give? Are we going to get burn out? Are we going to keep commitments? Are we going to be miserable away from our families? And so on and so on and so on. It's a lot! It's a lot to be on our plate but no matter what, we aint goin' anywhere! This is where God put us, this is where God wanted us. It's tough. I miss my friends, I miss staying at home every single night without ANYTHING on the calender. I miss a lot of things. But, God is ready for us to get up off the couch and do something!

Two years ago I was operating at a very intense level in my relationships. I am not able to do that anymore. At least, not right now. The Lord has changed me sooooooooo much. He has changed me so much that I am still trying to figure out who I am at this new place. Everyone expects me to be outgoing and a non-stop talker (and I still am sometimes). Two years ago that's how I was ALL THE TIME and I wanted everyone to like me. I wanted everyone to need me. I wanted everyone to know me. Now? Not so much. This past weekend when I sang as a guest at a church, I felt so uncomfortable. I did not feel like I used to feel on stage. I felt different. A part of me wanted to hide and not be seen. I did not think my uncomfortableness was obvious until my friend Erika said, "You looked different. You did not seem like the old Amanda I know who sings up on stage. You looked uncomfortable." She did not mean it in a bad way, but she saw the change. Her statement actually brought confirmation to me in a huge way. Two years ago I needed that stage, I craved it and it gave me so much affirmation. Today, I am not sure if I even want that or need that anymore. Oh sure I will always be a singer but it's different now, it's just completely different.

In the past I have not allowed things to develop naturally, including my relationships. It's always been all or nothing. And when I operate at that level, I get hurt. Today I realized that I can't please everyone. I have been scared that I will disappoint those on my team or do or say the wrongs things. I have felt like I have to prove something. It's NOTHING anyone has put on me, it's what I have put on myself. We moved away from EVERYTHING we loved, I don't think I need to worry about proving anything. I think our actions and our obedience says enough.

So today I made a commitment to myself and to the Lord. I have to take care of me first. If I don't take care of myself first, i can't develop relationships, I can't be a nurturing and loving mother and wife or anything else. I'm going to go slow, take my time and do things at my own pace. I have to. Sometimes I feel like saying yes, sometimes I feel like saying no. I can't be flexible with other people until I am flexible with myself and since I am my worst critic, I have got to learn to give myself a break. I have to "chillax"!!

I've been worried about what I say on my blog, what I say at a meeting, what I say during one on ones, what I say during trainings, what I say to new people, what I say in emails. I've been laying in bed at night beating myself up for so many things. I have not done in this in so long because I have been in this place where I don't have to put myself out there. We didn't go to church, we didn't make new friends, we just maintained what we already had. It was safe. And the Lord showed me today that if I continue to worry about what everyone thinks about ME, I can't be used. I just can't! Instead, I have to be me and be okay with being me. And if someone doesn't like me, doesn't understand me, oh well. Kyle, who is now my pastor, told me something over three years ago that I will NEVER forget. "Quit caring so much about what THEY think. Give yourself permission now to QUIT caring. It does not matter what they think about you."

Today I was so frustrated with myself. I was feeling all kinds of things that I have not felt in a long time. But I know that the Lord wants me to put myself out there again. As I try to get my feet wet, I do feel a little scared. I want to be excited, I really do. Right now I am at HIS feet, trusting that He will help me because I can't do this alone. We've got lots of team stuff coming up that will be fun so that's what I'm going to do! I'm going to have fun having all these new people in my life! What a blessing! What a blessing to have these people on the front row of my life. I sure need 'em!

giving life

2007-04-17T00:15:00.000-07:00

I knew deep down that God was going to put us with a church plant. What I didn't know was that it would be to help do the actual planting. Well, sometimes I did but I just couldn't figure out how. If I go back to the archives of my blog, I can read about the journey my husband and I have been on. Several months ago I talked about having a burden for my neighbors and wondering if I was supposed to start having breakfast or brunch on Sunday mornings in my home and invite the neighbors (This is what Church planting is). Just about every single night I would lay in bed wondering what that really looked like. Back in forth in my mind was this whole idea in my head of what church was and what I did not want it to be. Could I have people over for breakfast and show them Jesus without talking about Jesus? Could I be friends with an unbeliever, a homosexual or whoever else the church decides is not worthy and love them for who they were? I felt like I could.

A few weeks ago, my husband had a conversation with someone about us moving and helping plant this church. I heard the questions he was asked. "Does your Pastor preach out of his home on Sundays? Is that how y'all do church?" I listened in as Jeremy tried to explain that Kyle was not preaching right now but investing in the community. He tried to explain that "church" for us was different than what others may be experiencing because we are at the very beginning. A lot of churches say they have church plants in other areas but really they are more like satellite campuses. If a church decides to start another church, they usually send some of their core members to the new location to get it going. Instantly they have members! And that in my opinion, is pretty easy to do. What we are a part of is nothing like that at all. So as Jeremy begins to explain that we are spending our time focusing on the community, he shares about Teacher Breakfasts that Resonate Community has been doing. "Sometimes they do things like go to schools in the area and serve breakfast. They don't put up a big sign that has the church name. They just serve." And then this question was asked, "They present the gospel, right?" Then Jeremy says, "No. They serve."

I am finding that the people that TRULY understand what we are doing, the people that are most supportive, the people that don't sit quietly with blank stares when we share the excitement of what we are doing, the people who TRULY understand are the non-church goers. Or they are people that are craving the exact thing we are. What is that? Well, we want to show people Jesus. It's that simple. And for some reason the "religious/spiritual" people question that because we don't have a Sunday service yet or because we participate in the community without carrying our Bibles. If you know your Bible, you know that Jesus offended the "religious" quite often. I'm finding for some odd reason, what we are doing offends the religious/spiritual. I can't tell you how many Christians gave us a hard time for not being in church for those EIGHT months we were out. Looking back, I know it was ALL a part of God's plan. I know now exactly what He was doing. But I am telling you right now, if we would have been in church, we would not have been willing to do something this big. No way! Now I know why we felt such yuckiness in our spirits every single time we visited a church. Without fail, we left feeling like there was no way we could go back to church as we knew it.

I do believe there is a time and a place for the in your face way of witnessing to someone. I've been through E.E. (Evangelism Explosion), I understand it but now I would never approach it with those methods. My friend Gina (from our church plant) would have slammed the door on that kind of approach. She recently became a Christ follower and is learning so much right now. She brings excitement to my life as I listen to her talk about the difference Christ has made in her life. One of the greatest things about knowing her is listening to her explain how she has always viewed Christians. Gina is from New York and I don't know if you have ever known a New Yorker but if you have or if you do, you will love their ability to BOLDLY tell the truth. I love it! I am attracted to truth tellers and she is one heck of a truth teller! What's so cool about her process is that she is experiencing church in a way far from what she originally thought it would be like. She figured we would all be a bunch of wackos, in your face, hypocrite freaks! She expected judgement, she expected rejection, she expected to endure pain by having relationships with Christians. Thank God for people like Kyle that want to lead a group of people in a way that proves the stereotype wrong. Oh sure, we will mess up. The thing about Christians is we are just like everyone else, but some of us think we are way better (I did). Gina called me the other day and gave me the greatest compliment someone could ever give me. "As I read through your blogs, I realize that you are just a normal, real person. I feel so blessed to have you here." Now folks, I gotta say THAT made me feel like God could definitely use me!

The truth is, I am just a real gal with real struggles and that's what makes church planting so incredible. I can be me. For once in my life, I truly feel like I can be the real me and God can still use me.

Tonight our team here at Resonate Community received a pretty cool email from our Pastor/friend. The email got me excited about this incredible thing we are a part of. I am so proud of this group! I think about how God placed us all together to bring about change in so many lives that we will come in contact with. Kyle will probably hate me quoting him but I am proud of him too and I TRUST him so much that I know we are going to be blessed as we follow his leading. God is working so much in his life and that gets me pumped! Two things he said in tonight's email that really got me excited. "My job is to make you guys the best you can be, to help you discover how God has created you and how he has saved you to make an impact in this world." Well there is a whole other blog I could write regarding that statement alone. Point being, it encouraged me and confirmed something in me that I had been praying about in my own life. Pretty cool! His last paragraph in the email was full of a lot of great stuff but the last sentence gave me chill bumps. "We get to see love envelop the broke-down, worn-out wanderers, giving them life in the process." WOW!!!!!!! I love that!

So there you have it! People can say what they want but we are a part of something that will change lives forever! People will see Jesus and people will find Jesus as we serve them and invest our lives in them.

Our first out of town guests

2007-04-16T09:10:00.000-07:00

This Friday we will have our first out of town guests come to stay with us in our new home. I am so excited! I'm looking forward to making homemade waffles (with my new waffle maker that I got for my birthday from Jeremy), eggs, bacon and countless pots of coffee for breakfast Saturday morning. Saturday we will stay close by because we have a big birthday bash to attend, then maybe Sunday we can go eat breakfast or lunch at one of the places Rachel Ray featured on $40 a day in Austin called Taco Xpress or Cafe Josie on 6th street. Both sound "yummo"!

My Mom doesn't know this yet but as soon as Josiah sees her, she will be reminded that he longs to take her to the Disney Store outlet in Roundrock so she can buy him a few things. It's close by so I think she will agree and asking my Mom if she wants to go to a huge outlet center is like asking a child if he/she wants a cookie! She can't say no, she just can't. I know her too well!

And since my Mom is coming in town that means my hair stylist is coming too (she is the hair stylist)! This means I get FRESH highlights this weekend! Woo hoo! Nothing better than FREE highlights! She even has a portable dryer that we are going to keep at my house!

Of course after they leave, my kids will need to be on Grandparent detox! If they spent two days here, that means the detox will last AT LEAST four days. You can always count on doubling the detox based on the time they spent with any grandparent. It's very difficult for my children to come back to reality when they have spent a lot of time with these people! In fact, it sometimes results in me calling the grandparents and saying, "YOU DID THIS SO YOU COME GET THEM!" But now that the drive is three hours, I don't think I will have that option. My friend Erika said that her almost three year old daughter came home after spending a week with grandma asking for sweet tea! I don't know about you but I have never felt that giving sweet tea to a two year old is a good thing! But when left in the care of a grandmother, you just never know what's going to happen. :) My two year old daughter is no longer content with Sprite. She now asks for Dr. Pepper! Thanks to my Dad! And who would have EVER thought that my children would know the taste of MOUNTAIN DEW until they were at LEAST fifteen! But thanks to their Papa, aka my Father in law, they do! Grandparents, can't live with 'em and for sure can't live without 'em!

For the next several weekends we have a lot going on with RC, so our visits to Dallas for a while will be few and far between. I am so grateful that our families can visit and that we have a home plenty big enough for them to stay. And that goes for my FRIENDS too! Come on down! Let's help KEEP AUSTIN WEIRD!

Okay so I need to post this and get ready to head over to Settler's Park, a few miles away. I am taking pictures of my friend's daughter, Kylie, for her third birthday and the park has a lot of really neat places to capture great photos. What's funny about this is I also took Kylie's pictures at a beautiful place in Dallas (Highland Park) for her one year birthday. We never imagined in a million years that two years later I would be doing it again, my family would be living down the street from one another and we would be helping them plant a church! CRAZY!!! Again, God is cool and so detail oriented!

random

2007-04-14T23:00:00.000-07:00

Well, I spent most of the afternoon at something called "CPD", also known as Church Planter Development. I have been to a couple of them before. One was with our old church that was also a church plant and the other was when we came here for our initial visit to Austin. There is a lot of information to take in and a lot of processing to go through once you leave and for me I would say a lot of wrestling as well. But this is why we are here, this is the stuff we love and to be a part of it is amazing. I know there will be many more blogs I write just about this journey we are on as we help plant a church. Our leader is awesome! We trust him, we love his vision and we appreciate his heart. Today was fun! Even though it was filled with a lot of information, it was enjoyable. These people are our family. It's a family we have chosen and that makes it even more incredible. We all live down the road from one another and I have already learned that we are all here to help one another since none of us have family here. I can't even begin to tell you how cool it is to be a part of something brand new, to be present for the actual birth! The bond we will share during this process will be unbelievable.

Everyone asks, "Where do y'all meet?" Well, we don't have a Sunday service yet. Jeremy and I are so glad that our Church Planter/Leader/Pastor is not spending all of his time trying to get a building, trying to find a school to have service, trying to buy a sound system (which this is usually the first thing a new church does). Instead, we are reaching out to the community first. So since we don't have Sunday service, everyone usually goes to service twice a month. One Sunday is spent at Mitch's church (Kyle's coach and our CPD trainer) and another Sunday is spent at a local sponsor church which happens to be in our neighborhood. The other Sundays are spent with one another. Tomorrow was not a scheduled church day but now it is.

During CPD today, Mitch asked if I would be available to sing at his church tomorrow. For some reason all of the female singers are not able to be there tomorrow. I was kind of shocked when he asked. First of all, he has never heard me sing! Second of all, I have not sang in a corporate worship setting in almost two years! As soon as he asked me, my heart started pounding and I did not know what to say but I saw my friend Erika's head turn quickly towards me to see what I was going to say. When I looked at her she had a HUGE smile on her face and at that moment I felt like saying yes! And I did. I said yes.

So Resonate Community will all be going to church tomorrow! I am so glad they will be there. They are my family and I need them.

God is pretty cool, He really is. And that's all I've got to say tonight folks. I am singing six songs, all but two I do not know. But thank goodness I can hide behind harmonizing and an add lib here and there! Also, there is a TELEPROMPTER!!! :)

Tonight I am going to bed with a big smile on my face. It's great to have friends and it's great to be in the CENTER of God's will and KNOW IT! Does that make sense? Well, most of you know what I mean!

It's been a long process to get to this place. I am so excited to finally be through a lot of the crap we have gone through to get here!

And here's to being REAL!

2007-04-13T23:58:00.000-07:00

I started reading Beth Moore's blog a few months back. My mom reads it too and we both love reading what Beth has to say. There is something about Beth that makes me feel normal during all my outbursts of emotion as a wife, a mother, a friend and a daughter. Especially after reading this. I also feel a little bond with Beth since she named her daughter Amanda. Beth and my mother both felt the name Amanda was a name fitting for their daughters and that's pretty neat.

(If you have not read Beth Moore's blog lately, please click on the link I have in the above paragraph before you continue reading this post.)

During the last six years, I have run into a lot of women that have a hard time admitting that their marriage is not perfect. I don't care how long you have known your husband or how much you pray together, have sex together or whatever else, your marriage is not perfect. Now don't get mad at me ladies! I am not trying to make you think you have a bad marriage. For some of you it's easier than it is for others. But to be quite frank, it's hard for me. It's hard most of the time! I do believe that there are couples out there that have conquered things I have yet to conquer in my marriage. The longer you are married, the more you are able to let things go and not concentrate so much on the negative. Time helps everything and time helps you grow in your relationship.

I remember the dating season with my husband. It was pure bliss! We made out like crazy and the butterflies in my stomach were unbelievable! We made a commitment to not have sex until we got married, so the passion ran deep. It was a struggle to NOT have sex before marrying, especially since we had broken that commitment with other people before meeting one another. I find it kind of funny that when you are dating, that's all you want to do and six years later, three kids later, it's the last thing I want to do!

And since I have guts to talk about SEX on a blog, I must have the guts to say this. I DO NOT ALWAYS LIKE MY HUSBAND. As gorgeous as he is, as in shape as he is, as helpful with the kids as he is, as much of a hard worker that he is, I am not always in the mood to be physical or even nice. Instead, I am in the mood to sleep or run away to Starbucks or Target and leave the kids with him.

There are times I have made threats to leave and I actually have a few times only to drive around the block in hopes of him calling and telling me how much he can't live without me. I've cussed at him, called him names and I have even thrown things and pushed him (physically pushed him). Let me just get it out there for all of you, I AM NOT A PERFECT WIFE! Ha! Not that you ever thought that but I just had to type it for all to see. My kids have heard arguments, seen arguments and I have cried myself to sleep because I have exposed them and felt so guilty about it. Self condemnation in my marriage has almost destroyed me at times and I have even had family members tell me in a round about way that I am not a good wife. Not only have I dealt with the pressure I have put on myself but having my in laws down the street to sometimes see that I am not perfect has been the hardest thing EVER. They are very aware of my imperfections and they are extremely protective of Jeremy and quite often I have looked like the ass. If this move to Austin is to just transform my marriage and nothing else, it's totally worth it. Totally! While I miss having everyone around us, I also feel relieved to not have my marriage and my parenting under the microscope! So relieved!

Yesterday was a very difficult day. I did not realize how much I run to my family for comfort. When I am having a hard time, I call my Dad. He always tells me that it's going to be okay and I believe him. Or I call my mom and she prays for me or gives me scripture and sometimes a scolding and I devise a plan for myself to get a better attitude. Yes, I need to go to God with these things but I need to go to my husband too. And yesterday I was forced to do that.

There are times that I want to literally pull my hair out and scream at the top of my lungs every cuss word I can think of. Sometimes I do but in my pillow so the kids can't hear me. That is very therapeutic by the way! And I know God doesn't judge me, I know there is freedom in being the real me and God knows my heart. Thank GOD, GOD KNOWS MY HEART!

Yesterday was a breaking point. We realized the breaks from the kids would be few and far between, no grandparents to bail us out. We realized that we just moved from everything we found comfort in. Jeremy realized he had just quit an awesome paying job that gave us FREE benefits. I realized how much I needed to be praising my husband and telling him how proud I am of him. He QUIT a job after thirteen years and today started a brand new one where he knows no one and is learning a completely different trade. I need to quit complaining, worrying and TRUST him. I need to give him my all. I need to give to him emotionally, I need to give to him physically. I need to BE with my husband in every way possible and I haven't.

Having children is so hard. It sounds like a pretty basic thing to say. It's a "no duh" statement for sure! Everyone knows having kids is hard, IF they have kids. Having three kids in a span of FOUR years is more than hard, it's insane! I love how couples that have no children talk about how wonderful their marriage is. Okay, I am being sarcastic! I hate, I abhor hearing couples without children say that. Sure, I think marriage is a lot easier when you are not sleep deprived, when your husband isn't sex deprived and when you as the mom get to shower regularly and have time alone regularly. Young couples, like us, have a hard time. It's not easy, it's just not. And now we are helping plant a church. No pressure has been put on us, we are taking our time and they are supportive of that. But, good grief! The pressure I put on myself is enough to do me in!

So the breaking point led us to a beautiful moment on our BED. No, not sex! Instead, we sat on the bed, held one another and cried. It was a moment where we realized that we only have each other now and we have to totally depend on God. We prayed together and then heard Zeke crying and went back to raising kids. It's never ending. The next decade will be exhausting, wonderful but exhausting. Our kids need us, we need them. But we have to learn how to put one another first. If we don't do that, if we don't figure out how to fight fair, how to SERVE one another in every way imaginable, we will constantly have strife.

Remember the beginning of this post when I talked about Beth Moore? Well, when I read the post on her blog regarding marriage and small children, I felt like I wasn't alone. You mean Beth Moore wanted to leave her husband? Beth Moore struggled? Of course she did! Beth Moore had days where she did not like her husband? Yes! And because of that, I feel better today.

And even though I have felt these things, I find comfort in knowing that I am married to the man God gave to me. He is a gift and I will never doubt that. I am blessed beyond measure and I love him so much that it hurts. Even when things are tough, I know he is the one whom my soul longs to love! He is perfect for me in every way. But he cannot fulfill my every need, he was not meant to. That's what God is for. If I love God, if I put Him first, I can love my husband the way I am supposed to and if I love Jeremy the way he is supposed to be loved, it will be returned. It has to, that's how it works!

So today I am praying for my husband and I am praying that I can SERVE him. I can't serve anyone else, if I can't serve him. Serving means serving when I am mad at him. Serving means serving when I have nothing left to give. Serving means serving without expecting a return. If I serve my husband, then I am serving God. And lately I have not been serving.

It's a brand new day. The enemy longs to see my screw up and throw tantrums, slam doors and be angry. But, it's time for me to march on over to the enemy's camp and TAKE BACK WHAT HE HAS STOLE FROM ME!

Song of Solomon 6:3 I am my beloved's and he is mine.

It's MY blog, and you have to play by my rules. I just saw a blog the other day with a comment full of anger towards the person's post. So this is a reminder to all of you that this is MY blog! There are some of you that just can't help yourselves so I am preventing you from being ridiculous. It took GUTS to share this. GUTS! So do not be tempted to send me judgemental, correcting, churchy, holier than thou ADVICE. Feel free to comment but REFRAIN for what I have just mentioned above. Yuck, yuck, yuck! If you don't, you won't be published. And if you don't agree with things I write, don't read it. :) Sorry to sound harsh but some of you have been experiencing a lot of crap on your blogs by women who write hurtful comments. I won't allow that here. Respect my boundaries or stay away. :)

a word from Ezekiel

2007-04-12T22:38:00.000-07:00

I know everyone is wondering about me so I asked Mommy if I could write a few lines on her blog. She said yes, so it here it goes. I hope you like the pictures Mommy posted of me. Here I am in my pajamas. It's too hot here for a sleeper, way too hot!

I have gained a lot of weight and I am sure you can tell by my thighs! I smile and laugh all the time. How can I not with all these crazy people I live with? I hold my toys, I love music, I roll from my stomach to my back and I sleep all night long. I love my swing, love, love, love it. I love music and I love watching my brother and sister. Mommy says I am smart and very advanced for a three month old. And I think I believe her. I feel advanced. :) If you met me, you would for sure think I am the greatest, cutest baby you have ever seen!

I miss having my grandparents right down the street but I am still getting lots of love. My big brother is watching out for me. I now get to sleep in his room. Well, actually it's my room too. Since he knows I am in there with him, he stays in his own bed all night long and doesn't go into Mommy and Daddy's room in the middle of the night. My MiMi said that would probably happen and she was right.

My big sister, Ava Beth, she's doing good but she's been pretty fussy lately. She keeps asking Mommy to go potty but Mommy keeps doing the diaper thing. I think Sissy is ready to be a big girl but Mommy is still trying to catch her breath. If you want to know the truth, Sissy just wants to wear Dora panties! I sure love my big sissy. She is just like my mommy! She is always kissing and hugging me. My big sister is so pretty. I think Josiah and I will be pretty busy keeping the boys AWAY from her. She's a looker, no doubt!

My big brother, Josiah, is great! He loves our new house and he has a new best friend, Kylie. Kylie is only three but she thinks she is five! Actually everyone thinks she is five because she is the smartest three year old you have ever met! She bosses Josiah around and I think he likes it. He talks about her all the time!!!!!! She is about to have her 3rd birthday party and since he will be the only boy, he told Mommy today that he is a prince, Kylie's prince! Wait until Kylie's Mommy and Daddy hear about this! He is also very much into his trains and he asks mommy all the time to take him to the Disney Store to buy some Lightening McQueen stuff! Mommy keeps telling him to quit nagging but he doesn't listen. He's a persistent boy, I will give him that!

Daddy starts his new job tomorrow. I went to his new job today. It looks like a pretty cool place. I sure am proud of my Daddy for working so hard to take care of us. I heard Daddy's boss today talking about shotguns and fishing. Then I knew that God gave my Daddy the perfect boss. He likes all the same stuff! Daddy has helped mommy a lot unpack boxes. He is a great Daddy and he sure loves my Mommy. I want to grow up to be just like him. I love him so much.

And what can I say about Mommy? She's my girl. My favorite part of the day is seeing her green eyes when she smiles and says, "Good morning Zekee baby!" I just love hearing her voice. Mommy has some sweet friends keeping her company and I think she is enjoying the change and she LOVES her new kitchen! Oh and I will be three months old in a few days and Mommy keeps saying how fat I am getting. Personally, I don't mind the rolls on my legs. I think the girls dig it. I know Mommy does! Oh how I love my Mommy!

I miss my Opoh, my Grammy and Papa and my MiMi and PawPaw. Oh and I also miss my cousins. Adysen, Kyle, Mason, Brooke and Hayden, I think about you all the time! And Uncle Josh and Aunt Desiree, Aunt KiKi and Uncle Jon Michael (Uncle Tyrone), Uncle Randy and Aunt Lori, I really miss you. I can't wait for all of you to come see me at my new house. Oh I miss you soooooooooooo much!

Homesick

2007-04-12T18:50:00.000-07:00

I remember being five years old at a slumber party once and having this sick feeling in my gut and lump in my throat. The feeling of homesickness is like no other. It's a feeling that overtakes you, especially when you are five years old and you want to go home to Mom and Dad. Unfortunately I was one of those children that never seem to get past that feeling. Just about every single time I went to a friend's house to spend the night, I called my Dad and asked him to come get me. He never made me stick it out, he always came and got me. He always picked me up. Always.

I often struggle with things being stable. I fight it. That's why moving and making huge life changes are not too hard for me but sustaining those things can be quite a challenge. Thank God for Jeremy, my stable, steady Eddie husband! Today I have had to deal with some challenges. I knew it was coming but I did not expect it to come so fast. I felt homesick. My eyes are swollen from crying and I am trying to figure out what the heck we have just done! Despite my emotions, I still believe this is exactly where God wants us to be. I do not doubt that, I do not wish to go back. I know by now that my emotions will not help keep commitments, they will do the opposite. I also know that I will have more days like this but I will also have great ones. The truth is, I miss my Dad a lot. I am homesick for him. When I was a kid staying the night away, I always missed Daddy. It wasn't anything against my Mom, it was just a little girl craving her Daddy's arms. I have always worried about him and even though I no longer have to, I still do. I don't want him to be lonely, I don't want him to be sad. We have been through a lot together and experienced huge victory in our relationship over the last two years. I liked having him only a mile away from my house. Now, I am three hours away. For the first time in my marriage, it is truly just me and Jeremy. This is a great thing, I know. But it is also hard at the same time.

My emotions are pretty raw today. I miss everything about where I was, I miss being comfortable. Now I have to step out, be challenged, build relationships and I am just not sure how that's all going to work. I am worn out from three kids. Having a four year old, two year old and three month old is the hardest thing in the entire world. Today I have felt like that little girl at the slumber party crying to go home. I can't explain it, it's just hitting me that we have MOVED. I can't believe it! One of my best friends told me something that I have thought a lot about today. Let me try and quote her because it's good stuff. "This is your Egypt Amanda and your leaving it. You are headed for the promise land." And I agree.

Everything I am feeling today is a part of that raging, flooded Jordan river. My feet have physically stepped in that water and now it's time for my heart to do the same. Once I do, the raging waters will stop and I will truly be free to cross over.

I continue to pray that God will help me truly "get" here. It's only been a week and I have already been so blessed by new friendships and I know there are more to come. But it's been a hard day. That's it, just a hard day. And the fact that I know it's just a hard day and I am not questioning our decision, lets me know I am in the center of God's will. I have peace even in the midst of raw emotion, I have peace and no doubts.

Yes, I am homesick but I know my Heavenly FATHER will pick me up. He won't make me stick it out. He will pick me up. He always has, He always will. Always.

This really ministered to me today and I love this version.

Romans 8:15-17 (The Message) This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?" God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children. And we know we are going to get what's coming to us—an unbelievable inheritance! We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with him, then we're certainly going to go through the good times with him!

Blake Shelton was at American Idol and so was my cousin!

2007-04-11T21:52:00.000-07:00

I was just watching American Idol on the TiVo/DVR and guess who I saw sitting on the FRONT row? Blake Shelton and my 1st cousin, Brandon! My friends know that Brandon was once Rascal Flatts Road Manager but now is Blake Shelton's MANAGER. Anyway, I am just jealous that I am not at American Idol and I watch it tonight and see my cousin on the front row. So if you have TiVo and you see Blake Shelton on the front row at the very end (When the last song is being sung), pause it and you will see my cousin standing right next to him. So I am related to someone famous! :)

Okay enough bragging!

PRAYER REQUEST

2007-04-11T16:53:00.000-07:00

Please be in prayer for Heather. I truly believe that we can join together in prayer and see a miracle take place. Please take the time to read it and view the brain scan that she had done at the doctor today. God is big enough to show a completely normal follow up brain scan with NO tumor.

Please join me in prayer. How awesome that we can spread the word through blogs and have people all over the world praying for Heather, her husband and her three children.

NOTHING IS TOO DIFFICULT FOR THEE!